I don’t know if it’s because there’s something in the water or what, but if there’s one question that I’ve been asked over and over again this year, it’s if there truly is such a thing as being dickmatized. Now, I don’t mean if the actual concept exists because we all know that if something shows up in theUrban Dictionary (half kidding/half serious), it must be real — and, according to it, being dickmatized is “when the d-ck is so good [that] you become utterly hypnotized by the guy that gave it to you.”
Since a hypnotic state is literally about the ability “to influence, control, or direct completely, as by personal charm, words, or domination,” — I guess that, technically, this article could end here. However, if you’ve been reading my content for a while, you already know that I’m going to unpack this way beyond the surface.
Because, if you genuinely are in, let’s call it, a “semi-complex sexual situation” (or is it an addiction?) with a guy right now that has you thinking his eggplant is damn near taking over your bedroom and 75.97 percent of its surrounding areas, we need to figure out how it got to that point and how you can set yourself free — or at least how you can keep things under control (if that is indeed what you want to do).
If you’re ready to choose to accept that mission, let’s look into what being dickmatized is truly all about.
What Does It Really Mean to Be Dickmatized?
Personally, whenever I think of the word “dickmatize,” the first thing that comes to my mind is the movie Love Jones. If you’re a real one, you already know the scene that I am referring to. It’s when Nina was riding in the taxi (you know, the Lyft before Lyft) with her BFF Josie as she was explaining how her first date turned into her first time having sex with Darius. Y’all know what that woman said: “It was like his d-ck just…spoke to me.”
Now that’s fiction (even if it’s good fiction), so to bring some reality and validity to her point, I decided to do some investigating. First, starting with myself. As I reflected on my past sex partners, I mean, if we’re going to be word-literal, there are some penises that were prettier and “easier to receive” (read between the several different lines there, chile) than others.
I’ve also had enough of them in my lifetime that I really want y’all to get over the shoe myth or the assumption that the taller a man is, the bigger things for him can be (NOT TRUE; penis size has to do with genetics more than anything). While you’re at it, please also ditch the “a big one is the only way that I’ll be pleased.” It can’t be said enough that vaginas are about 4” long, and they have to stretch to accommodate beyond that.
Meaning, find a man who wants to please you, regardless of size, and you’ll be good; there’s no need to learn this the — no pun intended — hard way.
Okay, but back to the point: If dickmatized is another word for sexmatized, then yes, I’ve been there. Definitely three partners, off the rip, get a standing ovation in my eyes, yet it wasn’t just because of their member; our chemistry was off-the-charts, the foreplay was on-point, the oral sex was bananas, and yes, they made it their priority and goal to make sure that I orgasmed. Salute to them. And has this winning combo ever caused me to lose my mind? I mean, if by that you mean that I mistook great sex for a healthy relationship — sure.
However, I think that being dickmatized goes a bit — again, pardon the pun — deeper than that.
That’s why I asked some of my friends and clients if they thought that they’d been dickmatized before. No joke, one woman got a glazed look in her eyes and simply nodded “yes.” LOL. When I asked her to expound, she shared that she once had a partner who she had very little in common with, and yet, they kept having sex for years on end, and it was literally because she was consumed with and by his skin, lips, and penis: “No matter how much we didn’t connect on the mental tip, if he let me see that thang, I was butter.”
Another woman said that she actually cheats to this day (check out “I Talked To Some Women About Why They Cheat. Here's What They Said.” and “Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That’s You.”) with her dickmatizer. According to her, she loves her man, but he will never top the sex that she has with the other guy. Chile…CHILE.
Then, I hopped onto YouTube to see what it had to say on the topic. A little over seven-minute video entitled, "Signs That You Are Dickmatized” featured a woman who said that a telling sign that you are, indeed, dickmatized is if you are in denial about it because if he is say, married or has a billion kids or is unemployed and yet you find a way to rationalize being or staying with him, it must be because his d-ck has you caught up.
Or if you’re sitting in church (or wherever) and all that you can think about is “him” or what happens when you’re with him, sexually, that’s another surefire indicator that you are probably dickmatized. Hmph, as far as social media goes, if you’re on pretty much any platform and you put “sneaky link” in the search field (or you hashtag it)…I’ll put it to you this way — how could sneaky links not be the result of some serious dickmatizing on some level because, at the end of the day, you’re sneaking around to have sex and not much else— and oftentimes you’re taking some fascinating risks in order to do it.
Yeah, it really does seem like a case for being dickmatized is only getting stronger. Okay, but so far, all that I’ve talked about are opinions. Is there anything that science says to back that being dickmatized is rooted in some actual facts?
Science Can Actually Explain How “Good D” Can Turn You Out
GiphyLet’s start with an article that I read on a health-related site that asked if men or women experience more pleasure during sex. What it basically said was since men orgasm 90 percent of the time and women only do 50 percent of the time, men get the upper hand in that department. Okay, so if what the research is saying here is that your partner being able to “get you there” constitutes as the ultimate pleasurable (sex) experience, then the guys who have helped you to cum — extra brownie points if it’s vaginally because that’s harder for many women to achieve — would put you on the path to being dickmatized.
Let’s keep going.
Another article that I checked out contained some pretty solid research regarding what happens to the brain whenever there is penile stimulation. Long story short, it increases blow flood to the part of your brain that is designed to regulate emotion. Then, if you happen to have an orgasm while all of this penetration is going on, it will amplify the part of your brain that plays a role in your decision-making process (bookmark that).
Then there are all of the hormones that are able to rush through your system during sex. Prolactin helps to regulate stress; dopamine cultivates feelings of pleasure and motivation; I can’t tell you how many times I have said in a sex-related article that oxytocin literally bonds you to your sex partners (and it can cause you to feel like you can trust the person who you are sleeping with), and endorphins literally mimic the feeling of a morphine hit.
That morphine point is a real doozy. Why? Because morphine helps to take pain away, and endorphins naturally do the same thing. Oh, and I can’t let vasopressin slide. It also likes to make its presence known during copulation and here’s the thing about it: it literally makes it difficult for your brain to distinguish the difference between what is right and what is wrong (uh-oh).
So, think about it: If there’s a guy who takes you to peaks of pleasure that others can’t, then every time he enters you, he gets all into your feelings and alters the decisions you make, and even if you know that either he’s no good for you or things are never really going to go anywhere, sex with him (temporarily) removes feelings of discomfort and makes it hard for you to know what’s actually right for you…and then you keep messing with him over and over…and over again — do you see how this is the perfect (once more, pardon the pun) cocktail for being, well, dickmatized?
Add to this one of my favorite “Wow, I had no clue” random information websites, Cracked. It features an article entitled, "5 Bad Sexual Decisions (And Why We Make Them).” In it, it shares studies that state that the folks go back to “ex-sex” because they are in denial that things are over. Not only that, but a lot of women will have unprotected sex with men solely based on their level of attraction to him (and thinking that if he looks good, the risk of STIs will go down — SMDH). Hmph.
When it comes to that second point, I also think that some women believe that raw sex makes them feel special when, honestly, men who will “wrap it up” to protect your health and prevent unwanted pregnancies are who actually care about you. #pleaseletthatmarinate
Oh, and while some articles out here profess that good sex can “make you fall in love” (insert eye roll here), I have way too much respect for love to jump on that bandwagon. What I will say is if you’re not a constant student of learning the differences between infatuation, lust, love, and being in love, good sex can certainly mimic it (y’all be careful out here).
Bottom line, it looks like science has indeed provided us with enough data to support the fact that even if it didn’t come up with the word “dickmatize,” if you feel like good D has consumed you at some point in your life, it’s probably not all up in your head. Some sho’nuf body changes helped to make it a reality for you.
3 Signs It’s His…You Know and Not Really Him. One (Main) Thing to Do About It.
Sis, if you read all of this and then said, “Seeeee…it’s not my fault that I’m in a cul-de-sac sexual situation. It’s science” — yeah, let’s not play those games because, if dickmatizing pretty much only happens from having sex then you already know what can un-dickmatize you, right? RIGHT?! Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Again, because the feelings that come from mind-blowing coitus can cause things to get a little tricky from time to time, how can you really know if you’re dickmatized — or not?
1. All you really have in common with him is sex. Listen, liking the same movies or DoorDash take-out does not make a solid relationship. If you know for a fact that if you took away the sex, there wouldn’t be much left to go on, then that is a great indicator that you are a victim of dickmatization. The dangerous thing about this particular point is time is something that you can’t ever get back, so is it worth it to have mind-numbing sex if you really want a relationship? Only you know that, my dear. Do be honest with yourself, though.
2. Your vagina and your common sense are always in debates (and your vagina is usually losing). It’s actually pretty natural to want to do things that make us feel good. The problem lies whenever you try to abandon all truth, facts, and logic in order to try and justify whatever that “pleasure source” may be. That said, it was actually a business website that provided some great points about how to know if you lack common sense in some area (even if you are an educated individual): you underestimate risks; you overcomplicate solutions; you misjudge time; you overanalyze simple situations (if it’s just sex, don’t make it more than that), and you pretty much suck at reading social cues (like, he may be having sex with you but that doesn’t mean you’re his only partner and/or that he has any future plans beyond sex for/with you).
3. You are lowering your standards. Look, some folks like to be dickmatized. That’s all they are really looking for and so, for them, for now, life is good. However, if you’re sticking around for the penis, all the while believing that you and “that guy” are going to turn into a 2.0 version of Darius and Nina — IT WAS A MOVIE. And sis, if you want a relationship, don’t deceive yourself into thinking that good sex will (automatically) turn into that.
Listen, although casual sex can be a lot of fun, I say often that casual means that something has no real aim or purpose, so if you want a relationship and you’re in a purposeless dynamic — you are lowering your standards, and that is, let’s go with, highly unfortunate.
____
Okay, so as I’m about to wind all of this down, look at the feature pic again. Like really look at her. If the first thing that you noticed is she looks a lot like Denise Huxtable after she married Lt. Martin Kendall (the real ones know), I would agree. If the second thought that came to mind is, “Damn, are they a real couple because her stare is hella intense?” — that’s why I picked it. She is the epitome of what being dickmatized can look like.
And since I shared so many ways that sex can lead to dickmatization, well, if you want to get out of its clutches, you already know what you need to do. If his d-ck has you trippin’ (insert Total’s “Trippin’” right here), staying away from it — detoxing, if you will — is how to get on the road to logic, common sense, and genuine freedom.
Really, and totally wanting to do that? Yeah, that’s another matter entirely. For now, I will conclude with some pearls of wisdom from a client, though: “Girrrl, it took me a good six months to not act like I was coming off of a drug. But after I went cold turkey [insert Anthony David’s song about that here], I realized that all I was getting was good sex. I wanted more. Women can have both. They just have to choose it.”
YOU CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND SEX. YOU. JUST. HAVE. TO. CHOOSE IT.
If you’re currently and certifiably dickmatized right now, which way you leaning? Into the consequences of sex and science or the decision to get all of you want and not just — a piece of it (the puns keep on coming)?
Being dickmatized can be euphoric and also stagnating AF.
Please read this over again…and then choose wisely. Very.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Tasha Smith On Why Your Self-Worth Is Your Greatest Asset In Relationships
If the definition of BOOM needed a photo next to it, it better be Tasha Smith’s face.
Tasha Smith, 53, the actress known for her captivating performances and outspoken personality, has become a beloved figure in the entertainment industry. Her portrayal of the fierce and fabulous Angela in the hit movie Why Did I Get Married? is nothing short of iconic.
Beyond her role in the Tyler Perry film, Smith has established herself as a versatile actress with a range of impressive credits to her name. She has consistently delivered powerful performances in both film and television, showcasing her ability to embody complex characters and bring their stories to life.
Off-screen, Smith is equally captivating. She is known for her candid and outspoken nature, never shying away from speaking her truth. Her authenticity and willingness to address important issues have made her a role model for many.
Lucky for us, she brings that authentic energy no matter the occasion. Tasha had us saying “Amen” and “Amen again” while listening to a resurfaced interview with Donni Wiggins on theFully Transparent podcast. There, she talked about starring in Bad Boys: Ride or Die, working with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, and being a powerhouse.
One commenter shared, “Tasha Smith needs to have her own talk show and or motivational conferences!” and we couldn’t agree more. Keep reading for some gems that stuck with us!
Tasha Smith On Self-Worth and Resilience:
“Don’t let any man burn you out or make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t take 'no' from anybody. Period. I mean it, honey. When things go wrong, don’t stay down for too long. Let the comeback be quick and big, honey. Big. We’re resilient. We are.”
On Understanding Your Value:
“You have to understand your value. Sometimes, when things don’t go right in relationships, we, as women, tend to blame ourselves. But why does that have to be the case? I remember talking to a woman who said her guy cheated on her. I told her, ‘He didn’t think he was good enough for you.’ She looked at me confused, and I said it again, ‘He cheated because he didn’t think he was good enough for you.’ That behavior has nothing to do with you—it’s about him trying to feel better about himself.”
On The Power of Boundaries:
“If we understood our value, we’d have more boundaries, and we wouldn’t accept so much. You know what I mean? Because, honestly, we create bad behavior by what we allow. Women ask, ‘Why does he keep doing that?’ Well, because you keep letting him. The apologies are working, and those apologies come with more demonic ones.”
On Breaking the Cycle of “Sorry”:
“Once you get delivered from one 'sorry,' if you keep the door open, more will come in—stronger and harder to overcome. Before you know it, you’re stuck in that 'sorry' space. If you truly understood your value, you’d be quicker to walk away.”
On Moving Forward with Self-Respect:
“For me, at this point in my life, I’m not spinning the block anymore. You can’t just keep spinning the block. You have to have self-respect, boundaries, and a sense of your own worth. If you don’t value yourself, trust and believe a man won’t value you either.”
Watch the podcast interview in full below:
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