June is a breath of fresh air for the collective. Mercury retrograde officially ends at the start of the month on June 3, and we get to enter June with a little less stress and delays flowing through the world. With Gemini season fully underway and a new vibe transpiring, the energy of the month is that of hope, inspiration, self-expression, and finding the courage to walk into new territory. With all the changes that have been flowing through the world already this year, June is coming in and wanting to regroup, gain the full picture, and create some space to breathe and allow the new to unfold.
The day after Mercury goes direct, Saturn goes retrograde. Saturn retrograde transits happen yearly, and this year Saturn will be going retrograde in the air sign, Aquarius. This Saturn retrograde brings attention to the collective, humanity, technology, and the systems of the world. Saturn wants to show us what systems need reworking, and what patterns and ways of being we can throw out altogether for the sake of love and for the sake of peace on Earth. As we move deeper into retrograde season this month, we are being reminded of the importance of doing this thing called life together, and to consider a helping hand when necessary.
The Moon cycles of the month are powerful, dynamic, and a little more light-hearted than what they have been now that we are officially out of eclipse season. The Full Strawberry Moon in Sagittarius on June 14 is a Supermoon, and this is a good Full Moon to release, renew, and take your healing and your happiness seriously. This Full Moon has a flair of adventure to it as well being in the sign of Sagittarius, and everything that has been going on within is making its showcase without. Cancer season begins on June 21 this year, and the energy moves from the head to the heart. Cancer season is the time to honor yourself, your home, and those that feel like family, and to nurture your world.
We have a New Moon in Cancer before the month ends on June 28, and this New Moon has a sweet disposition to it and is a time to believe in your new beginning. This Cancer New Moon will be highlighting the emotional world and is a time to set your intentions for what you want to become. Home is where the heart is during this time, and this New Moon is all about regrouping, finding your ground, and manifesting your heart's dreams. Neptune goes retrograde in Pisces the same day as the Cancer New Moon, and emotions are running high right now. You are being reminded as the month ends that your heart is the priority and that everything begins and ends here.
When you can find your balance between the head and the heart, you can live your truths and inspire others to do so as well. June is the time to believe in you, and believe in the magic that is becoming.
Aries Horoscope for June 2022
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleA new month is here, and you have been getting your energy right, Aries. With Jupiter, the planet of good luck, entering your sign last month, and with May, June, and July being the only full months of the year that Jupiter will be completely direct in your sign, you are in the midst of immense progress and opportunities in June. This month is all about nurturing your body, your world, your intentions, and what is becoming for you at this time. You are at a place in life where you are creating space and the right conditions for your intentions to bloom.
There is a Full Supermoon in fellow fire sign Sagittarius occurring mid-month on June 14, and this Full Moon will be highlighting your 9th house of adventure. June is a good month to take that vacation you’ve been wanting to move forward with, and you will see fewer obstacles on the way towards your goals now that Mercury is officially out of retrograde and moving direct again. Venus enters Gemini and moves into your house of communication on June 22, and you are moving out of June and into July feeling inspired by what has transpired, and like your voice is really being heard and well-received right now.
Taurus Horoscope for June 2022
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is all about finding your balance and your truth between past, present, and future, Taurus. You are bridging the gap in June from what was, to what is to be, and this is an exciting month of opportunities for you. The month begins with Mercury retrograde moving direct in your sign on June 3, and you can finally catch a breath right now. Breathe in, breathe out, Taurus. You are being given a helping hand this month, and are being lifted out of a place you don’t want to be anymore. This is soul replenishing for you.
With your ruling planet Venus in your sign until June 22, all the opportunities for love, nourishment, and grace are with you right now as you move through the month knowing that at the end of the day you are love and you are loved. June is all about looking at the positives in your world and creating more of them, rather than staying in a perspective that doesn’t serve your growth or your happiness. There is a Cancer New Moon on June 28 before the month ends, and you are receiving the messages and insights you have been looking for moving into July.
Gemini Horoscope for June 2022
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleJune is a month of forward movement, progress, and inspiring action for you, Gemini. Your spirit is flying free, and this is an enlightening time for you. With your ruling planet, Mercury officially moving out of retrograde and going direct on June 3, and with Mercury moving back into your sign from June 13 to July 5, all of the communication changes and challenges you were facing that had to do with who you are and how you express that, are turning around for you this month. No more second-guessing yourself or your voice, and June is all about knowing that you deserve to take up space.
A Full Strawberry Moon is happening in your opposite sign on June 14 this month, and this Full Moon is highlighting your love life and relationships. This Sagittarius Full Moon is bringing clarity to what partnerships work and can run with you, and what dynamics are best to be let go of now. Venus makes its yearly transit into your sign on June 22 where it will remain until July 17, and love is especially exciting for you right now. Through any blurred lines that have been, you have sought your truth, and discovered your bliss.
Cancer Horoscope for June 2022
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThe vision is clear, Cancer. June is a beautiful month of life unfolding to the dreams you have been setting for yourself and creating. There is a deep coming together within happening this month for you, and your wise soul is shining in your truth. Luck is on your side in June as you nurture the gifts of the present moment, and protect your energy. You have been on a journey of self-discovery as of late, and are experiencing a coming together of what you have been working on bringing to fruition this month.
Venus is currently in your house of friendships until June 22, and this is a good month to expand your network, meet new people, and connect with your hopes and dreams in life. A lot of things are changing for you this month, and they are moving in the direction of your dreams. Cancer season begins on June 21 this year, and it is your time to shine, beautiful. This Cancer season, remind yourself that you are a powerful creator of your reality. With a New Moon in Cancer on June 28 before the month ends as well, all things are possible, and they are coming together for you.
Leo Horoscope for June 2022
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleJune is all about flipping the script, and defining what it is you want to see moving forward, Leo. Relationships and their dynamics have been a big theme for you this year, and in June you are figuring out what works for you and what may need some reworking. Your guidance for the month is to remember your connection to your higher self, and that all the answers you need to know will always be within you and within reach. You are not alone on your journey, Leo, remember this.
With Saturn going retrograde in your house of love on June 4, you are thinking a lot about love this summer. The relationships in your life are strongly coming into focus in June, and you are getting the opportunity to see what relationships ground and support, and which ones make you feel off the path. The Full Supermoon in Sagittarius on June 14 will be giving you all the clarity needed on navigating the different experiences in your life, and how to put your happiness at the forefront of it all. By the end of the month, there is a New Moon in your house of endings and culminations, and you are wrapping up a major chapter in life.
Virgo Horoscope for June 2022
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVirgo, this is an important month for planting the seeds and creating your reality. June is a time when you are getting the full picture, and are rewriting your story. This month is about reminding yourself of the power you hold in life and speaking of things you want to bring into existence. Your thoughts and words hold immense power, and this month is reminding you of the importance of a clear mind and heart. With your ruling planet, Mercury officially moving out of retrograde at the start of the month, the path ahead is clearing for you and new opportunities abound, Virgo.
With Venus moving through your 9th house until June 22, you are inspired by expansion, travel, adventure, and the new. There is so much to learn, know, and dive into this month, and you are inspired by the connections you are making right now. The New Moon on June 28 is moving through your 11th house of friendships, and you are seeing some new beginnings within your social world and network this month. June is all about redefining your goals, hopes, and dreams, and seeing the true gifts in them. You are worthy, and you always have been, Virgo.
Libra Horoscope for June 2022
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLibra, June is all about nurturing your world. This is the month to pay attention to the little moments of magic that are appearing for you right now and bring more of this beauty and contentment into your life. You have been allowing all to unfold, and have given your intentions the right space and conditions to continue to bloom for you. June is the month to practice opening up to receive, and knowing that you deserve the love you so often give. You have so much magic within you to share and shine in the world, and this month is reminding you how to maintain your balance through it all.
There is a strong focus with you right now when it comes to self-expression and speaking from the heart. Saturn goes retrograde in your 5th house of romance, creativity, and expression from the first week of June until October, and you are redefining ways to go about obtaining your happiness to where you feel this is something sustainable in your life and that you can continue to grow. With your ruling planet Venus moving into your house of adventure on June 22, this summer is all about having fun, feeling free, and making your happiness the priority.
Scorpio Horoscope for June 2022
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleConnect to the sweet moments of life, Scorpio. June is a month of rebirth and a month of remaining patient with the blessings that are unfolding for you at this time. You have reached an important moment on your journey where you know exactly what you want and what that looks like for you, and the Universe has your back while this all unfolds. Finding the balance between what’s been and what is to be isn’t for the faint heart; but you have the courage, strength, and conviction to live your truths and stand in your happiness through it all this month.
With eclipse season out of the way and less tension flowing through the lives of Scorpios right now, June is your month to regroup and gain new ground. The Supermoon on June 14 will be entering your house of income, values, and self-confidence, and this is a good time to go over finances, clean out your wallet, and release anything you have been putting more time and effort into and not seeing a return back. June is your month to bring more of those precious moments of understanding and contentment into your life and to listen to your heart.
Sagittarius Horoscope for June 2022
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleJune is here, and you are experiencing some full-circle moments this month, Sagittarius. The month begins with Mercury officially moving out of Retrograde and going direct on June 3rd, and you have a clearer idea of what you see yourself doing daily, and what is going to ultimately benefit your health and lifestyle. This month is all about finding your flow and being your biggest cheerleader. You have shown yourself time and time again that if there is one person you can count on, it is you, and June is about moving through your experiences with this empowered perspective.
Mid-month a Full Strawberry Supermoon is occurring in your sign on June 14, and this is an empowering Full Moon for you. As life comes full circle during this time, make your self-love and self-care a priority and look in the mirror and say, “I love you” a few times. June is reminding you that you do not have to be a bystander to what is happening in your life and that this life is for you to create and consciously experience. With Venus moving into your opposite sign of Gemini before the month ends, you are entering a time of receptivity and grace.
Capricorn Horoscope for June 2022
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleJune is all about clarity for you, Capricorn. Some important decisions are being made this month, and you are bridging the gap between your intentions to your reality. This month is a time to find your balance between the closures you are seeing right now and the new beginnings that are coming from it, and about moving at your own pace. You have been weathering the storm and have gotten yourself out of some shaky waters, and June is the time when you are putting your foot down and making decisions with a clear heart.
With retrograde season moving underway and your ruling planet Saturn going retrograde at the start of the month, you are moving into a time this summer of understanding more of the giving and receiving in your life. Finances, income streams, and your financial goals for the future come into focus right now, and this is a good time to review the books and get things in order that you feel have fallen to the wayside. Before the month ends there is a New Moon in your opposite sign Cancer, and you are moving out in June and into July with the love and balance on the brain.
Aquarius Horoscope for June 2022
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleLove is singing a new tune for you this month, Aquarius. June is a month of being the lover and allowing yourself to be loved as well and is a time where your emotional world is highlighting the thoughts that have been flowing within. You are ready to stretch your wings and fly this month and are looking at the open horizons ahead of you right now. One of your ruling planets, Saturn, makes its yearly retrograde transit this month on June 4 and will be retrograde in your sign until October. You are entering a journey of defining what self-love means to you, and are giving yourself breathing room to figure things out for yourself.
The Full Moon on June 14 is an inspiring one for you, and a one that is helping you redefine your goals, and vision of the future. You are getting the opportunity to see some past intentions come full circle right now, and there are real treasures in your world to grab ahold of in June. By the end of the month, Venus moves into your 5th house of romance where it will remain until July 17, and there are a lot of happy times ahead of you right now, Aquarius.
Pisces Horoscope for June 2022
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleJune is a month of big changes, and big power moves, Pisces. You are the one moving yourself forward right now, and you are getting yourself to a place where you feel there is more stable ground to walk on. You have been finding your balance between the need to heal and the need to be, and this is a month of renewed passion and inspiration. There is a lot of courage with you this month to clear space and make room for the new, and you are building your world right now with your heart in mind.
One of your ruling planets Neptune makes its yearly retrograde transit this month and will be retrograde in your sign from June 28 until December 3. This retrograde transit is reminding you of the importance of seeing things for what they are, and not allowing your powerful imagination to run too wild into territory that doesn’t serve your personal growth or idea of self. There is a New Moon in fellow water sign Cancer on the same day Neptune is going retrograde, and this is a good time to set your intentions for how you want to live out your dreams and happiness moving forward.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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