What Exactly Does It Mean to Be Passive Aggressive?

If I were to break down one telling trait of a passive-aggressive person, it’s that they gaslight like nobody’s business. That’s because they tend to be the kind of individuals who deal with things indirectly instead of head-on — and to a person like me, that is absolutely annoying AF.

Something else that passive-aggressive people do? They are oftentimes the ones who give off negative vibes to the point where they clearly want you to pick up on them. Oh, but when you ask them what’s wrong, here they go with the flat “nothing” response. Umm, we know it’s something. Speak up.

And why do some people choose to take this approach in communication and relationships overall? Some do it because they were raised to suppress their true thoughts and feelings and so they grow up not knowing how to address them in a mature and productive fashion (this group deserves a bit of compassion because, like I oftentimes say, adulthood is surviving childhood). Some do it because they think (or at least say that) it’s a way to avoid direct conflict (when it actually tends to create even more of it).

Some do it as a power play — meaning, if they are so subtle in their negativity that if you end up spazzing out about it, suddenly you are “the crazy one” while they claim that they did nothing to trigger you. Still, others do it because they want you to become the villain in their narrative. How does this work? Well, if they ghost you and you keep reaching out to figure out what the hell is going on, now you’re the “stalker.” Or if they sigh and pout and yet say they don’t want to talk about whatever the issue may be and so you move on, now you’re the one who doesn’t care about their feelings or their needs.

Man, whenever I think of a passive aggressive individual, the first word that comes to my mind is “draining.” It’s draining to communicate with them.

It’s draining to get to the bottom of an issue with them. It’s draining to really relax in their presence because you’re constantly waiting for some sort of proverbial shoe to drop. Dealing with a passive aggressive person…it’s like the music right before something scary is about to happen in a movie: nothing has transpired yet; however, the vibes are letting you know that at some point, something is about to, and so you’re always on guard — or edge — on some level.

And yet, even though many people agree that passive-aggressive folks are energy vampires in their own right, a lot of people will still find themselves having to interact with them, one way or another. One example is my discovering that somewhere around 80 percent of individuals say that they have dealt with passive aggressiveness while at work while another study said that the most passive-aggressive people in their lives (outside of co-workers) are their mother (chile) and their friends.

Then there are those who opt to date passive-aggressive people. And while, after reading all of what I just said, that might seem like a semi-ridiculous life decision to make, sometimes, they are like narcissists in the sense that they wait until you are somewhat emotionally attached or even relationally comfortable before they let their full passive aggressive nature shine through.

If this is what you sense that you are experiencing in your own dating life and yet, the individual in question has some solid enough traits that make you feel like dealing with passive aggressiveness is ultimately worth working through — I’ve got some tips on how to effectively deal with what might be their specific passive aggressive tactic/method/approach of choice.

What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Sarcasm

Okay, so what if the guy you are seeing deals with issues by being sarcastic? Well first, get clear on if he’s being is sarcastic (“harsh, cutting, or bitter derision, often using irony to point out the deficiencies or failings of someone or something”) or cynical (“bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic”). While I personally think that both can be potentially exhausting, cynical tends to come from pain that leads to emotional walls as opposed to sarcasm which is oftentimes condescending and/or patronizing and/or just plain mean.

Either way, if there are times when it seems like this is how your partner chooses to communicate with you, the approach that you should take would be: to reply with literal responses; don’t “come down to” their tone (because tone plays a huge factor in especially sarcasm); avoid trying to get the last word (because they tend to want to get into a war of words rather than actually hear you out) and, above all else, call the sarcasm or cynicism out.

Because, again, since they are being passive aggressive, they are typically going to act like they don’t know how they are being with you until/unless you actually say something about it.

What to Do If Their Tactic Is: The Silent Treatment

There’s a married couple I know who, although they are still together after over 35 years of being husband and wife, their communications skills? Whew, you would think that they are two 12-year-olds. There are more than a couple of examples of why I say this is the case; however, the one that relates to this particular passive aggressive topic is they can hold grudges for literal days on end. I don’t just mean 2-3 of ‘em either. Sometimes, you would think that there is a lottery prize for how long they choose to go without speaking and this would be an example of the silent treatment.

A part of the reason why the silent treatment is so problematic is it’s a form of control and manipulation either because the person who is giving it to you is trying to subtly trigger you into overreacting (or what they would call overreacting) or they are trying to punish you by disengaging. None of these are productive which is what makes the silent treatment pretty immature and uber silly.

So, what should you do if this is how your partner gets down? For a season, give them some space. Meaning, if you’ve tried to reach out to get them to communicate and they stonewall you, they might need time to process (although maturing means that they would articulate that). Also, in the effort to try and support them in breaking this habit, ask them how much time they need. If they state it, honor it.

If once you approach them after that time and they are still “going ghost” (verbally) on you, leave them be. You shouldn’t have to beg anyone you’re in a relationship with to engage in communication with you, so…don’t. What they value, they will come back to — and that alone is a mouthful.

What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Pouting

There are several things that irk me to no end about social media. However, when it comes to the relational side of it, I continue to be amazed by how grown folks will promote the very things that we denounce kids doing. One example is women saying that a man should “spoil” them when the last thing most of us want to do is have spoiled children in the home (and we all know why).

Another example? Once a child hits a certain age, pouting and sulking are typically discouraged. Why? Because, as one mental health expert shared in their article on the topic, “People who sulk go to extreme lengths to avoid taking responsibility for their opinions or actions.” And she is exactly right. And that is why, when raising kids, pouting and sulking shouldn’t be tolerated because they should be taught how to hold themselves accountable. Meanwhile, adults? Oh, they should’ve BEEN knowing how to act in this department (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”).

That said, if you want to “handle” a pouter/sulker by calling their behavior out, feel free, although my personal two cents are you can probably get a lot more accomplished by totally ignoring their behavior. I say this because — think about how kids are whenever they are in that kind of headspace…if you ignore them long enough, they get that what they are doing isn’t working and so they usually try a different approach.

And that’s the thing about grown people who pout — they get rewarded by pulling you into their energy to the point where you usually find yourself coddling and sometimes even apologizing for things that you didn’t even do (or do wrong), just so they will stop acting like they are a victim. This means that pouting is peak manipulation and so, the best way to remove that monster is to not feed into it at all.

What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Constantly Dropping Hints

It’s kind of wild to realize that they’re both gone now, but a friend of my mother’s was a psychiatrist. Anyway, one of my mom’s passive aggressive approaches of choice was dropping hints. One time, while we were having dinner at he and his wife’s house, my mother saw something that she wanted and said, “Is that you on that magazine cover?” to which he simply said, “Yes,” to which she then said, “You have more copies, don’t you?” to which is replied, “I sure do,” to which she then said, “It sure would be nice if I was actually offered a copy,” to which he replied, “Is that so?”

And when he totally changed the subject, she said, “You weren’t going to give me a copy?” and then he looked her dead in the face and said, “You need to say what you want. I don’t play those guessing games.” — I know that my “checkmate” energy was loud as hell. LOL.

That…that right there is how you deal with a hint-dropper because, if you give them their way without requiring that they clearly articulate their wants and needs, they will constantly play mind-games with you and/or waste precious time and/or drain your energy. We’re all adults. Use your big words.

What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Giving the “Last Word Syndrome”

Although I don’t consider myself to be passive aggressive overall (my circle would agree with that; we’ve discussed it), I must admit that there was a season in my life where my ego wanted to get the last word on a lot of things. In hindsight, I think not getting validated enough while growing up played a part in it (not to mention going to a racist ass private school that liked to gaslight my people to no end). And that’s why, although I can relate to a “last word syndrome” kind of person, that still doesn’t mean that I cosign on it.

In fact, I actually agree with a psychology-based article which said that folks who communicate this way, they tend to be destructive because, not only is always needing to get the last word triggering for the person on the receiving end but, more times than not, you’re not caring about getting clarity, understanding or finding a resolve — you just want to be right. You think that you should have the last say on something and that actually can be very condescending and even disrespectful.

The irony in how to handle this type of individual is…if they are hellbent on getting the last word…let ‘em. Y’all, one of my favorite quotes is, “Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.” A writer by the name of Jorge Luis Borges once said that and it’s such a powerful life rule to apply because, when you are confident in your words and the impact that they are able to have, you don’t need to try and convince someone else of your thoughts or perspective.

Say what needs to be said and then get to a point where you agree to disagree before you get all stressed out. I’m telling you, a last word person only really gets fueled by you trying to get the last word too. If your words are potent enough, there’s no need for that. What you said will resonate. Leave it be.

What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Acting Forgetful

You know someone who sucks at accountability? People who act forgetful whenever you bring something to their attention — especially something that they did wrong or something that bothered you or hurt your feelings (because that doesn’t always or automatically mean that it was wrong…some of y’all will catch that later). This is definitely a form of being passive aggressive because, when someone pretends like they don’t recall what you are bringing to their attention, it’s usually because 1) they don’t want to deal with the issue (either at the time or, really, ever) or they are trying to stall time in order to avoid conflict for as long as they possibly can.

I had a godparent who tried to pull this stunt on me a couple of years ago. When I brought something to their attention and they literally said that I had them confused with someone else (who does that?!), I went into painstaking detail: where we were, what I ordered to eat, even what I had on. And oftentimes, that’s what you have to do with this kind of passive aggressiveness: you’ve got to let them know that acting like they don’t know what’s going on doesn’t mean that you don’t either.

Eventually, they will 1) cave in and fess up; 2) play the victim as a way to deflect, or 3) ask you what you are looking to get out of bringing the matter up at all. Regardless, ultimately, you win because they’ve got to remember something to come up with these strategies (or is it strategems?).

What to Do If Their Tactic Is: Being Vague in Communication

It’s one thing to feel like you are being nagged and interrogated and if you are dating someone who rarely gives you a clear and direct answer to things, asking them if your approach makes them feel like they are being held for questioning by the cops could be beneficial. That said, though, let’s not act like there aren’t individuals who make you feel like you are damn near pulling their teeth, just to get something outta them. SMDH.

Although some people are difficult in this department, simply because they are private people who need more than a lil’ bit of time to warm up to folks (even if they are in a relationship with them; deep intimacy can be a struggle for some), others are vague when it comes to communication because they like to see folks try and figure out how to “crack their code;” with them, everything is a game of scruples…whether you want to play or not.

The approach? Ask very specific questions because these types of people like to say, “You didn’t ask” whenever you finally get to the root of what you are looking for. If they keep playing “communication dodge ball” with you after that, ask them why they don’t want to discuss that particular thing: poor timing, distrust, fear of being vulnerable, not in the mood or are they just trying to be difficult? Knowing the why behind the vagueness can help you to figure out the “when and how” about approaching the topic/issue again.

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A late journalist and broadcaster by the name of Dorothy Thompson once said, “Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict — alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.”

If you’re dating a passive aggressive person, share that with them and see what they say.

Sometimes, the way to break someone’s passive aggressive habits is to hit them with ‘em…head on.

Good luck.

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