If you’ve ever seen the commercials for The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, or Married at First Sight, you know that one thing they all have in common is they promise that each season will be the most shocking ever (chile). The reason why I’m bringing this up is because articles with headlines like this do have a bit of clickbait to them (I ain’t got no lies to tell you); at the same time, that’s not to say that if you apply one, two or all 15 of them that they can bring something out of you and your partner that you’ve never quite experienced before — on Valentine's Day or any other day for that matter.
So yeah, I’m gonna stand firmly on the square that some of these tips have all of the capabilities in the world to give you some of the best sex that you have ever had. And while we’re here, if you’ve got some other suggestions, feel free to share those in the comments section. I’m/we’re all ears, chile.
1. Get Your Bed Right
Let’s start off with something practical; especially if you have kids. Y’all, I can’t tell you how many times married people have told me that sex has become less…let’s go with 'thrilling,' because with children, they feel like they’ve got to be extra cautious; especially when it comes to noise levels.
I get it, so let me just say that doing things like pulling the bed away from the wall, applying some WD-40 to your bed frame (if it’s made of metal), and adding a mattress pad (to make your mattress quieter) are all hacks that can help out in the noise department. So can turning on some music or even ASMR videos of rain or ocean waves (YouTube has plenty of them; some go for as much as 12 hours! Just go to the site and put “rain” or “ocean” sounds in the search field).
Speaking of bedding, you might want to invest in some bamboo sheets; they are made out of moisture-wicking fabric which basically means they absorb sweat ‘n other stuff easier than cotton ones do (lowering your thermostat can assist with reducing heavy sweating too). Also, using something like a waterproof mattress cover or even a large shower curtain is wise — just in case you decide to try some of these other things out and you want to avoid messing up your sheets and comforter in the process. #justsayin
2. Edge in the Morning
I can’t recall what I was recently watching where absolutely no one on the show knew what edging was. All I thought was, “Well, that’s a damn shame” because if you want to up your chances of experiencing one of the most intense orgasms that you’ve ever had before, edging can certainly help to get you there. It’s basically what happens when you stimulate each other until you’re right on the brink of climaxing — and then you stop. Then you repeat the pattern a couple of times.
If you’ve never done it before, it might seem like a twisted form of counterproductive torture, but it actually isn’t. Aside from the fact that edging can make orgasming easier to do later on, it can also take your desire for your partner to new highs — and lows (depending on how you look at it). And that can make for a really great Valentine’s Day evening…if you catch my drift.
3. Enjoy an Aphrodisiacs-Themed Lunch
A few years ago, an article that I wrote for the platform was entitled, “Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs.” Although health experts will probably debate until the cows come home (or the roosters stop crowing or whatever other country ass saying there is) about whether or not aphrodisiacs are super effective, I personally think that some very much so are.
Dark chocolate tops this list because the amino acid L-arginine in it triggers the nitric oxide in your system. This is a good thing because that helps to get the blood flow going which can boost your libido and make his erections last longer.
Chocolate is kind of like the mascot for Valentine’s Day, so even if you don’t choose a lunch that’s made up of nothing but aphrodisiacs, at least enjoy a dessert that has some chocolate in it. Dark chocolate is preferred (the pun is totally intended here).
4. Text Each Other a “Sex Menu”
Speaking of eating — when you go to a restaurant, the first thing that they hand you is a menu, right? That way, you can see what they have to offer, so that you can get what you want and so that you’ll know what to expect.
I’m not sure why we don’t look at sex in this fashion, at least some of the time — and one of those times can be this Valentine’s Day. All you have to do is find a menu template that you like (or design your own) and then jot down some things that are “on the menu” as far as sexual activity is concerned. You can even break things down into appetizers (foreplay), main course (sex), and dessert (afterplay). Then email it over to them. Who wouldn’t love receiving something like that?
5. Exchange a Gift in Each Other’s (Sex) Love Language
This year, instead of giving each other gifts that are centered around love, how about ones that are focused on sex? A creative approach to this is to come up with presents that speak each other’s sex love language.
If you’ve never even thought of the five love languages from this perspective, first read, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?.” Then think about something that you can give, sexually, that has to do with quality time, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, or words of affirmation.
For instance, a quality time present could be a hotel reservation while an acts of service gift could be to do your partner’s least favorite house chore for a week (because the less stressed they are, the more in tune to sex they will probably become). Get creative. The options are endless.
6. Get Three Different Bottles of Lube
It’s unfortunate that some people think lubrication is only for people who can’t get wet enough. Honestly, that couldn’t be further from the truth (check out “If You've Always Wanted A 'Lubricant Cheat Sheet,' Here Ya Go” and “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant”). The reality is that the phrase “the wetter, the better” rings true on a lot of levels because lubricants help to reduce friction, make foreplay more exciting and, believe it or not, increase the chance of condoms remaining intact (as well as keeping them from tearing or breaking).
My two cents would be to get a bottle of edible lube for oral sex, some silicone-based lube for vaginal penetration (check out Well + Good’s “'I’m a Gynecologist, and This Is the Best Kind of Lube for Optimal Vaginal Health’") and water-based lube for sex toys. That way, all of the bases will be covered.
7. Make Your Own Massage Candle
Last fall, Mashable published an article entitled, “Everything you need to know about wax play.” Long story short, hot wax is like a PG version of BDSM because it stimulates people by playing around with extreme changes in temperature.
If the thought of this intrigues you, why not make your own massage candle this year for you and your partner to enjoy? Check out Lovely Greens’s post “How to Make Massage Candles for Romantic Nights In” for some helpful tips. Or, if you’re down to try this out but the last thing you want to do is carve out some arts and crafts time, Amazon (here), Sephora (here), and Lovability (here) are just a few sites that carry sensual massage candles. Enjoy!
8. Use Juice Ice Cubes During Foreplay
Speaking of temperature-related stimulation, if you’d prefer the cold or you’d like to switch up between it and heat, you can always be like Mookie in Do the Right Thing (the real ones know) and pull out some ice cubes. Only, instead of plain ice, make them out of your favorite flavored juice. That will make the licking experience just that much sweeter.
By the way — and this doesn’t really have anything to do with temperatures, it’s just a fun idea — you could also put some chocolate-covered strawberry Jell-o shots on each other’s body and eat them off. Sound intriguing? If so, there’s a recipe for those right here.
9. Go with Some Crotchless Panties or Garter Belt (and Nothing Else)
Not too long ago, I was asking a group of men what they found to be sexy — lingerie, a tank, and some boy shorts or nothing on at all. Although the answers did indeed vary, something that several said is they like a woman to be basically nude with the exception of one article of clothing. One guy said that he likes to see a woman with her breasts hanging over her bra cups. Another said that garter belts drive him insane in the best way possible. Another said that crotchless panties make him feel like his lady enjoys the “easy access” that comes with having them on.
Test this theory out by making one of these purchases this year. If you’re on the plus-size of fashion, Adore Me currently has a stellar sale with some really sexy pieces. Check ‘em out here.
10. Invest in Either Some Edible Body Paint or Glow in the Dark Body Paint
Something that can make the evening even more delicious is some edible body paint that you can make yourself (The Dating Divas has three recipes here). You’re grown, so I’m sure that I don’t have to break down how that works…right?
Or, if you want to get super creative, invest in a black light and then paint each other with some glow-in-the-dark body paint (like these here and here). There’s no telling how much you’ll get turned on by seeing glowing erogenous zones. Whew, chile.
11. Indulge in an Edible Cock Ring
Tubi has some wild stuff on there, boy. Like a movie that I watched a couple of months ago was entitled Swap Out. There was a scene where, after they all had a super wild night, one of the guys woke up with what you’ll see if you click on this link right here. Maybe y’all knew but I had no idea that there were edible gummy cock rings out here. Now that I do, though, I had to bring it into the mix because it seems like something that both the giver and receiver can enjoy to the fullest. Am I right? It’s like the new grapefruit. LOL. The real ones know.
12. Toast Each Other with a Valentine’s Day-Themed Cocktail
Something that I’m pretty big on is people toasting themselves. It’s a way of self-acknowledgment and/or affirmation. I’m such a fan of it, in fact, that I try to toast myself on a daily basis. Anyway, even though love is grand, something else that it is, is a choice — and the fact that you and your partner continue to choose each other every day is definitely worth honoring.
So, pick a Valentine’s Day cocktail and raise your glasses to each other. Some that you can make from the comfort and convenience of your own home include a Chocolate Martini, a Vampire’s Kiss Cocktail, a Kir Royale, Cupid’s Arrow, or some Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Shooters.
And what if alcohol isn’t exactly your thing? No worries. How about a virgin Love Potion #9, a Strawberry Pineapple Shaker-Upper, or a Cherry Velvet Limeade Mocktail?
13. Play the “Pick a Card” Game (with a “Dirty” Twist)
As far as social media trends go, one that I’m actually digging is the whole “pick a card” game. That said, take foreplay and sex to another level with your partner by doing your own version — only make it the “dirty” addition. Let them pick where they want to be kissed, how long oral sex should last, if you should go the next round in the bed or in the shower, what kind of position to do next — you get where I’m going with this. Then let them let you pick some cards as well.
At the very least, it’ll pique some curiosity and cause curiosity to “kill the cat” in the absolutely best way possible (some of y’all will catch that later).
14. Try Two New Positions
There is such a thing as sex being good and boring at the same time. What typically causes this is, once we find what works, we tend to stay in that “holding pattern.” And even though it may satisfy us, it can also prevent us from feeling/getting as excited as we used to be when we first started having sex with our partner.
Something that can breathe new life into sex is to try some new positions. Because here’s the thing — although the jury is kind of out on just how many sexual positions there actually are, from what I’ve read and researched, there are at least 100 that exist. Hey, if you don’t believe me, click on this link, this link, and this link for xoNecole-approved sex positions to try.
15. Sleep In. NAKED.
There is nothing like cuddling up with your boo thang while falling asleep at night. Honestly, the only thing that tops it is sleeping together naked. There are a ton of reasons why it’s so beneficial. Not only does sleeping naked help to reduce stress levels, but it also balances hormones; regulates your body temperature; improves your quality of rest; increases male fertility; speeds up metabolism; slows down aging signs, and — perhaps most importantly as it relates to this article — boosts your libido. And don’t even get me on how spooning naked can lead to some early morning/easy entry sex sessions that will cap Valentine’s Day off in the best way possible.
So again, whether you choose to observe the love holiday on the day itself or the weekend before or after, put sleeping naked on the agenda. You’ll feel special in your partner’s arms and…who knows what it — along with these other 14 tips — could lead to at some point (round two or 10, anyone?).
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
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