A Russian author by the name of Fyodor Dostoevsky once said something that I think is a great way to kick off this piece: “Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect, he ceases to love.”
It’s profound to me because it’s a reminder that not only do lies create barriers to receiving truth and having a form of respect for oneself and others, but lies also make love almost impossible as well — self-love included. And when truth, respect, and love are not present, there’s absolutely no way that you can progress toward all that life has in store for you.
You know, as a life coach, if someone were to ask me what my job consists of the most, looking back on all of the clients I’ve dealt with over the years, I’d probably say it would be asking the kinds of questions that help people to see, for themselves, if they are 1) being totally honest or dishonest with themselves and 2) being real about the choices that they’ve been making that have led them to where they are.
So, let’s hold a mini-coaching session today. If a part of you, somewhere in the back of your mind, is wondering what you are doing that is holding you back in some areas or on some level, hopefully, by the end of this article, you’ll know what needs to be done to stop doing that — from here on out.
What I can assure you, off the rip, is that honesty with yourself is going to play a huge role in how to get you to where you want to go. I’ll explain.
How Honest Are You with Yourself?
GiphyThere’s a woman I know who lies to herself a lot. And when I say “a lot”…I mean, A LOT. She does this by not taking accountability for her actions. She does this by always playing the victim (even when she’s the one who is in the wrong). She does this by refusing to live in reality. She does this by having unrealistic expectations. She does this by thinking that, whenever something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault; it’s like the saying, “Everywhere you go, there you are,” is a foreign concept to her.
The really tragic thing about all of this is it keeps her in a hamster wheel of dysfunction — and it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change when it comes to this any time soon. See, that’s the thing about lying to yourself: if you do it long enough, you don’t even recognize that’s what’s happening anymore.
So yeah, let’s start with that. Be honest when you ask yourself, “How honest am I with myself?” And what I mean by that is, when it comes to certain things about your life right now that you wish were different, what things have you said and done that have brought you to this place and space?
For the record, being honest isn’t just about not lying or not being deceitful. Being honest is also about being genuine and being genuine is about not pretending, being authentic, and (catch this) staying original.
That last one alone is a real doozy because we live in a culture that beckons people to not be fresh, inventive, or unusual; it simply wants you to “get in line” and “play toy soldier” when it comes to relationships, sex, career paths, spirituality, your looks…shoot, you name it. And gee, when you look at honesty from the light of originality…a whole lot of people are liars, right? You ain’t neva lied.
That’s why it’s important to do self-inventory, at least a couple of times a year, by asking yourself how genuine you are with your motives, how authentic you are in your words and actions, and how original you are when it comes to your approach to things.
That reminds me — there’s another thing that you should factor in when it comes to this particular point and that’s some clear signs that you do indeed lie to yourself. Ready?
- You don’t take correction (because you only want to hear what YOU want to hear)
- You are always right (if that ain’t a damn lie, I don’t know what is; NO ONE is right all of the time)
- You’re hypocritical (you say one thing and do another and/or hold people to a bar that you don’t even keep)
- You let your emotions lead you all of the time (feelings are fickle; you need more stability than that)
- You run when things get hard (by telling yourself that life should always be easy and something is wrong if it’s not, that is a lie)
- You are inflexible (thinking that life doesn’t have seasons and shifts and that you shouldn’t adapt when they come, that is a lie)
- You romanticize everything (that’s not optimism; that’s foolishness)
- You put feelings over logic (self-explanatory)
- Your ego runs the show (also self-explanatory)
- You think everything should go the way you want it to
If any of these things deeply resonate with you, I can already tell you that you are definitely holding yourself back because one thing about the truth is it’s going to be rooted in facts, reality, and things that actually exist — not things that you merely wish would be the case.
So, say that you want to progress at your job, yet you always find an excuse for why you don’t complete tasks on time; you and the leaders over you are constantly bumping heads, and at the end of the day, you’re inflexible and unteachable — and yet somehow, when you meet up with friends for drinks after work and complain, you conveniently leave those things out, So, while everyone is talking about how your company doesn’t value you, you are lying to yourself and to your friends because you’re not taking accountability for your own actions.
Refusing to see you when it comes to your own life? Being dishonest with your own self in that way? That is definitely a top reason why many people remain in the patterns and cycles that they are in.
There’s more, though.
Remember: Familiar Isn’t Always or Automatically Good
GiphyLet’s tackle relationships for a moment. Say that you’re 29 and you want to be married and a mom by 35. Thing is, you keep going back to an ex, hoping that you can turn him into your husband and the father of your future children. Whenever you bring him up to your bestie, she’s always rolling her eyes. Whenever you update your male friends, they’re chuckling under their breath. Interestingly enough, although you know why you’re getting the responses and reactions that you do, you find yourself blaming everyone but the person who is keeping you from reaching your marriage and family goals — and it ain’t your ex either…it’s YOU.
I mean, if a man doesn’t want to move forward and you stay with him anyway, how is that his fault? You’re the one who’s sticking around for a front-row seat of the okey-doke show. And why do you do it? There could be dozens of reasons, to tell you the truth. However, one of them, I believe, is based on a saying that I tend to use in my sessions quite a bit: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right.
What I mean by that is, no matter how much something (or someone) may make us uncomfortable, may take us for granted, may mistreat us in some way, or simply may be showing signs of being a perpetual dead end — sometimes we will keep going back because that is the treatment that we’re used to.
I mean, isn’t that a big part of what Stockholm syndrome is all about, a victim developing a psychological bond with its abuser (I recently watched an indie film called Allure that touched on this in some pretty damning ways)? And so yeah, sometimes going back to an ex, because that is what you know, seems so much easier to do (although it really isn’t if all that you’re ultimately doing is wasting your time) than breaking up with him for real, so that you can end old habits, learn new things and get to what and who is actually good for and to you (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”).
Although I’m sure that you’re aware of what the general concept of "good" means, just so you can know, for sure, if you are trading what’s familiar for it, "good" means things like "beneficial," "satisfactory," "right," "proper," "fit," "worthy," "safe," "sound," "genuine," "reliable," "dependable," and "trustworthy" (and that’s just 12 definitions). Now, if you’re on the brink of 30 and you want to have a family in five years, and your ex is dragging his feet…at the end of the day, what is possibly "good" about that? Not only that but what is happening, based on your goals, that is showing him to be a safe option, a reliable choice, and someone who will be a solid fit for you long-term?
Listen, a lot of people hold themselves back in life because they stick with what’s familiar when they need to be releasing it for what’s good so that they can do what’s actually right. Are you doing that? Again, be honest with yourself.
Sometimes Fear Can Be a Good Thing
GiphyAnother thing that you could be doing to yourself is allowing fear to keep you from making real progress in life. That’s actually one thing that I admire about kids so much: their total fearlessness. They don’t really stop to think about the “bad” things that could happen if they say, jump out of a swing or flip off of some monkey bars; they want to try it, and so they’re going to do it. No matter how it turns out, at least they tried.
Although maturity does teach us to factor in things like wisdom and risk when making decisions, some people need to — yep, you guessed it — be honest with themselves and admit that the reason why they haven’t moved out of state or gone back to school or left their career for a new line of work is because they’re scared of what might happen if they do instead of focusing more on all of the grand things that could transpire once they do.
Fear is really an article on all its own, yet for the sake of time and space, I’ll end here by saying that being fearful is not a spiritually healthy way to live your life. I’ve got two Bible verses to totally back me up on this:
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 2:7 — NKJV)
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV)
Goodness. I don’t know how much more can be said because if God and love don’t get behind fear, why should you? Like…REALLY.
Are You Too Prideful to Ask for Help?
GiphySome of the funniest people in the world to me — not “ha ha” funny, more like “you are your own worst enemy” funny — are the ones who find themselves in a bind, are offered help, and refuse it. I mean, do you want to stay in the jam that you’re in or not? And what’s wild is, when you read articles (like the ones here, here, and here) on why people tend to not take the helping hand of other people, pride was always a top cause.
Just for the record, being prideful includes things like being unteachable, getting defensive, not being grateful, thinking that you can do everything on your own (which is hyper-independence), not being able to submit to authority, and wanting to always be praised for things. When you factor all of this in, can you see how all of this would make it very difficult to accept the assistance of another individual? Can you also see that if you need help and you’re not taking it, you’re participating in a form of self-sabotage that is counterproductive as hell (in the wise words of Thomas Hobbes, “Hell is truth seen too late.”)?
I can’t tell you how many people I know who have held themselves back because they were too prideful to humble themselves and admit that they couldn’t do something on their own. I don’t know if they refused assistance because they wanted the bragging rights of making accomplishments by themselves or they avoided support due to trust issues (or wanting to be the person to always help others, which is oftentimes known as “humble pride”). Either way, the ego can be a dangerous thing if it’s not brought into some sort of submission.
And you know what, if after reading this part, you feel triggered in some way, that’s probably your cue to do some journaling about if you need to get your pride under control. After all, Scripture does tell us that “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
Ask Yourself If What You’re Doing Now Will Benefit You Five Years from Now
GiphyCounterproductivity. At the end of the day, it’s all about being busy, doing things, yet not being busy doing things that are ultimately NOT going to (really) benefit you (much) in the long run. That said, what are you doing that’s professionally counterproductive? What are you doing that is personally counterproductive? What are you doing that is relationally counterproductive? What are you doing that is physically (and health-wise) counterproductive? Lawd, have mercy — what are you doing that is financially counterproductive? You get my drift.
I will tell you from personal experience that it’s really easy to get caught up in people, places, things, and ideas that really aren’t going to serve you very well if you don’t have a mapped-out plan. In fact, I was just having this conversation with a girlfriend of mine who has a music project that she needs to get done yet because she has so many other opportunities coming her way, she keeps pushing it back. NOT GOOD. Because while she’s lending her talent, skills, and names to help others attain their goals, she’s not reaching hers — and that’s actually holding herself back. And yes, at the end of the day, that is pretty counterproductive.
So, as I bring this to a close, that’s another thing that you should get really honest with yourself about: are you doing things, right now, that you know will benefit you five years from now? For instance, would it make more sense to put that $250 in a high-yield savings account or buy another pair of shoes that you are probably only going to wear a couple of times this year? Sure, one will scratch a temporary itch; however, what will have your back in the long run? I’m telling you, impulsive life living is definitely something that 1) many people go into complete denial about and 2) tons of folks allow to stand in their way.
A spiritual teacher by the name of Vernon Howard once said, “Be honest with yourself. That opens the door” — the door to self-awareness, the door to growth, the door to a life that you can truly make the most of.
You know, a lot of individuals will never gain access to all that life has to offer them because they would rather lie to themselves than get really honest and face some hard truths.
And so, if you were looking for a sign that you might be one of those individuals, get honest right now — ARE YOU?
Get free. Tell the truth, chile.
Watch what opens up for you…once you do!
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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