
This article is in partnership with National Black Nurses Association.
As crazy as 2020 has been, it has stood as a reminder of the power in the healing process. Though as a society we encountered our share of pain as we were met with job losses, furloughs, civil unrest, untimely deaths, as well as mental and emotional overwhelm, we are doing our best to survive and come together as one. We have become more united in our shared trauma, and have begun to shift our focus on areas where it's needed. The pain and the release of healing. Assisting us in our healing journey both figuratively and literally on the frontlines of this pandemic are nurses.
These frontline workers have long been considered essential by our society, but perhaps their necessity has not been as felt as it has been in the past years. As the spread of the pandemic widened, cases increased, and hospitals became overcrowded with those affected gravely by the disease, nurses proved to be the ones offering a human touch to the way they worked to heal. They went above and beyond to make ailing patients who were isolated due to coronavirus to feel less of the sting of being alone. Add economic struggles to the disparities experienced by marginalized groups and communities in the healthcare system and the disease affecting POC at disproportionate levels, navigating these uncertain times can be difficult to say the least.
For the work that nurses have had to do as healers during this trying time, xoNecole is thanking them in a major way with our partnership with National Black Nurses Association. Below Atlanta nurses and Wellstar nurses fill us in on how they are navigating work demands, patient losses, and fear while embracing their calling.
Alicia Coley, RN

Courtesy of Alicia Coley
Title: Travel Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"It's definitely been a major adjustment compared to pre-COVID working conditions in the medical field. I noticed there had been a higher than normal demand for nurses due to increased hospitalizations during this pandemic. Full-time staff nurses had been overwhelmed with the patient load. Therefore, we as travelers came in to provide temporary relief. Gowning up from head to toe with the appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) for every single patient had become the new norm since the patients I worked with were all COVID-19 positive.
"Lack of supply of PPE, at times, was frustrating. I remember units having to be opened up so we can create more space for admissions. One of the hospital campuses I worked at was re-opened and dedicated to taking COVID patients from all the nearby surrounding hospitals. Overall, you had to have tough skin, catch on quickly and care for the sickly patients. Working as a team was very important!"
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It wasn't always easy because family members were not allowed on the units AT ALL. Therefore, we were required to call and give an update to family members each shift in the afternoons. It was important for me to remain kind, be empathetic and take care of patients the best I could. There was one particular patient that I saw decline from fully functioning to flaccid over time. That was disheartening. I ended up spending more time in their room because now they could no longer do anything for themselves.
"Continuity of care is encouraged, so you really get to know the patient and you also become familiar with their family member(s) via phone. For this specific patient, I made sure the family got to FaceTime their family member per their request when I worked. Although the prognosis was poor, I believe the family was just grateful to see the patient while they could and talk to them weekly."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I naturally enjoy learning about topics on health and wellness. In the midst of the pandemic, I ended up starting my own business where I sell an all-natural elderberry syrup. It's paramount during these times because it's a wonderful immune booster that is loaded with antioxidants, has anti-viral, antitussive and anti-inflammatory properties. Studies have shown that if you take elderberry syrup within the first 24-48 hours of infection, you decrease the severity and duration of your cold/flu-like symptoms! My company is called Alchemi Naturals and this is what keeps me motivated and busy.
"I wake up with a sense of purpose and feeling more fulfilled knowing that I am helping to bring people back to wellness. To support my overall wellness during this time, I make it a priority to meditate daily, exercise regularly, eat a well-balanced diet and consume content on personal and spiritual growth. I also stay busy with learning more ways to grow my business and bring as much value as I can to my customers and my social media platform."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"One thing I can say for sure is that I am a huge proponent of boosting one's immune system. I think that is what I advocate the most because it is naturally designed to protect you. Working in a number of different hospital settings will really open your eyes when you come in contact with so many people that have pre-existing health conditions. I have become more passionate about sharing health-conscious information and encouraging people to take care of themselves. These times have solidified my feelings of purpose in my field because I realize now more than ever that nurses are needed! Patients depend on us. It's important that we show up, work as a team and get everyone back to their loved ones."
Tanisha Mcfarlane, RN

Courtesy of Tanisha Mcfarlane
Title: Travel Nurse; currently working in Emergency Department
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Being on the frontlines of a pandemic has been very challenging physically, mentally and emotionally. I love and enjoy helping other people so becoming a nurse was just an extension of my purpose. Prior to the pandemic, nursing has had its challenges (working short staff, being verbally abused and sometimes physically abused by patients, and working 12 hours and only being allowed to take a 30-minute break). During the pandemic, some of the normal struggles were intensified but with added stress due to the increased volume and acuity of patients.
"Death is always hard but watching so many people expire in such a small time period was nerve-wracking and it became the new normal, bad as it sounds. In May, I lost three coworkers in one month due to COVID and I think that was when the reality of this pandemic really set in."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"The 'no visitor' policy was very much a struggle for everyone. On a personal level whenever I am not well, I call on my family for emotional support so I thoroughly understood the emotional stress patients endured during their hospital stay. I felt that our duty as nurses was to make patients feel as comfortable as possible even if that meant finding a few minutes to video chat family members as a comfort measure.
"At times, it was overwhelming because we were working under a lot of stress, with limited resources and short staff but we were now responsible for updating family members via phone. Imagine finally catching up on things and then the moment you think you had a moment to take a minute to yourself, you have several people on hold waiting on reassurance and depending on you for their confidence that their loved ones are going to be OK."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I have always made my family a priority but recently they have been the only thing that keeps me going. I am a first-time mom and that in addition to the pandemic has been heavy mentally but every day I choose to be better than I was yesterday overall. In my downtime, I look up new recipes to try, exercise and plan safe but fun things for my two-year-old son. My son couldn't have been here at a better time because he is my encouragement to stay positive even in my struggles and I am grateful. My husband-to-be is also a nurse so it is helpful that I can vent to him and he understands on a level that not everyone can."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"The pandemic has solidified that my purpose has always been to help people. My biggest fear was always not being able to protect the people around me from such a virus. I cared more for them than myself and again nursing is the extension of my purpose. If I was to extract my personal attributes from my career and just looked at it on a financial gain, then nursing wouldn't be the field I would have chosen and that's how I knew it was more than the money for me. It takes a special person and God chose me."
Brandy Perry, BSN, RN

Courtesy of Brandy Perry
Title: Charge Nurse in Progressive Care Unit at Wellstar Paulding Hospital
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Six years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Being on the frontline of the pandemic has been one of the most challenging times in my career. Caring for patients during this pandemic has been emotionally challenging because we are continuously fighting this battle for our patients and families. I pray every day that my patients will not say their last goodbye but will instead receive the great news that they can go home to their family."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It has been challenging to watch my patients not having their families with them during this difficult time. On the other hand, I have gained many honorary aunts, uncles, parents, and grandparents in the last year. I am privileged that I was able to connect deeper with my patients as I know they needed my support and guidance more than ever."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I find myself calling on my children, family members, and friends more often to check on them. It's also very important to have some downtime to rest and self-reflect on any stressful and challenging circumstances that I have encountered."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"I have never been so proud to be a nurse. I truly see the difference we make every day for our community."
Ashley Pugh, RN

Courtesy of Ashley Pugh
Title: Burn ICU Registered Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 months
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"I came [into the nursing field] at a time when COVID was already ramping up so I don't know anything else. There's obviously less family at the bedside, but since I'm in a critical care area we are able to make exceptions for end of life situations."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"Fortunately, the COVID numbers are relatively low in the Burn ICU. We are also the only unit that cares for children. This allows us to make some exceptions in visitation on a case by case basis. Our leadership team also works hard to ensure that we are staffed in a way that allows us to have those caring moments with our patients."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I'm not ashamed to say that I pamper myself big time. I've probably purchased every fancy skincare trend you can think of. I'm also a Louisiana girl so I've used this time to get in the kitchen and cook a lot of true Southern cuisine."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"This experience allows me to put faces on policies. A lot of times it's hard to understand how the government and political decisions impact individuals. Not anymore. It's important for nurses to use their voices and participate in the decision-making process. We have the experience and we have insight that is critical to improving the health of our country."
Lauren W., RN

Courtesy of Lauren W.
Title: Travel Nurse; currently working in Progressive Care Units
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Since the pandemic began in early 2020, there have been many changes in how nurses (and the healthcare system as a whole) approached patient care. For instance, while limiting the spread of infectious diseases within the hospital has always been a top priority, the stress around personal protective equipment, patient procedures, hospital staffing, and visitor policies have been the most highlighted this past year. We increasingly realize the importance of each role in this system. You appreciate the environmental service workers that clean your isolation rooms just as much as you appreciate that manager going the extra mile to get the appropriate staff and supplies. Do we still have a long road ahead of us? Yes. But I think we see how much we are interconnected, and how that plays into providing the best care possible."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It was tough to see my patients feel alone and physically isolated from their support systems during this pandemic. Part of quality patient care is incorporating the family in the process. This gives the patient comfort in what could be the most stressful time of their lives, hospitalization. On top of that, you include a global pandemic that is taking lives every day. Therefore, as much as possible, I personally encourage that patient's family or emergency contact to call the patient throughout their stay, or make sure that the physician updates the family on their treatment plan in order to keep them involved and their anxiety low.
"If I have some extra time in between work duties, I even stay and talk with patients for a few more minutes. Most times, they just want a little more education on their treatment, to share their family or pet stories, or even just chat about their favorite TV program. While it may not seem like much, it could mean the world to someone, and make a stressful day turn around for the both of us."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"Due to a constant changing environment, work-life balance has been extremely important in maintaining my well-being. I found that doing solid work on my own mental, physical, and spiritual health helped me get through it. It is impossible to pour from an empty cup. Therefore, much effort is made in maintaining a healthy diet, my spiritual practices, and a support system of friends and family to keep my cup full. Even if that means setting boundaries, spending time alone catching up on my hobbies or favorite TV show, or even practicing social distancing with my mask as I take a nature walk. I have to take care of myself first, period. Thankfully, I also have been afforded the opportunity to leave my work at my job for the most part. I HAVE that title, I AM NOT that title."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Throughout my nursing career, I am grateful to have worked as a leader and mentor in several institutions. Yet, my experiences this past year has solidified the importance of employee health and health education for everyone. Therefore, I recently obtained my graduate degree in public health and started a nurse blog, Hey Leux, to help me pursue this field. No organization can be successful without the health and well-being of their employees. Studies have even shown that contributions to an employee's work-life balance, training, compensation, and work environment can increase productivity and quality of service. I hope to combat this in the next chapter of my nursing career as an educator, and to continue to be a positive light and a guiding hand to those who need it."
Maisha 'Mai' Harvey, NP

Courtesy of Maisha 'Mai' Harvey
Title: Nurse Practitioner for Emergency Medicine
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 15 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Burnout is at an all-time high. People are tired! You know burnout is real when you have no desire to work any overtime. They are literally throwing money at nurses and providers all across the country because of the shortage. It's one thing to work a lot of hours but pre- vs post-pandemic overtime just isn't the same. Between the pandemic, politics and the regular stressors of life, it wasn't easy facing a mysterious disease that's literally killing people daily.
"In full transparency, I shifted to Emergency Medicine from another specialty just three months prior to the pandemic as I was on the edge of burnout. I came off a schedule that was seven days on/seven days off to currently working three days a week. The new schedule has been a blessing for me in the pandemic as it has allowed me time to recover both mentally and physically. I've been intentional about preventing burnout which is why I haven't worked much overtime. The extra money comes with an emotional toll that's just not worth the trade for me."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"One side of the visitation restrictions not well known to the public is the personal aspect. My family, friends and friends of friends reach out for me to check on their loved ones who are admitted to the hospital. I've had family members and friends who have driven past numerous hospitals just to be at my hospital. They knew I'd be there and could always come by to check on them. Over the months, I had joy and some sadness making my rounds to check on people. Unfortunately, not everyone has survived. Experiencing this closeness followed by death more than once has emotionally been difficult but I wouldn't change a thing, nor do I have any regrets. It has been an honor to be there for the patient and their loved ones."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I've actually spent more time in nature than ever. Previously, if it wasn't a beach or exploring a new county, I was not about that outside life! I found myself enjoying taking simple walks in my neighborhood. My meditation walks are very peaceful and energizing. It was something about the sun beaming on my skin and the alone time with my thoughts. It has been a much-needed escape from the unknown. Over the summer, I found local parks and even made day trips to random parks all over the state. Who knew Georgia had so many hiking trails with astonishing waterfalls? I even purchased a few plants but that isn't going too well right now. But they still bring me joy!"
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"My purpose has always been to educate my people about health. It's the main reason I went back to obtain not one but two advanced degrees. The pandemic has added an additional layer confirming this is where I'm supposed to be. People don't seem to understand how I can comfortably walk into a COVID patient's room with no fear. My response, I'm covered in the blood of Jesus and PPE! I was built for this!"
Stephanie McLean

Courtesy of Stephanie Mclean
Title: COVID Crisis Travel Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"The COVID-19 crisis was something we as nurses did not anticipate, but we had to adapt quickly. Being on the frontlines and having to adjust to new screenings, protocols, and procedures daily was very overwhelming and a change from our routine pre-pandemic. My encounters with patients are met with more of a mental challenge, because now I must make sure I keep myself protected from this very contagious virus. From wearing an N95 mask for 12 plus hours, gowning up in full PPE to go into each room, and sometimes having to relay messages to patients from other healthcare providers are just a few of the ways my world has changed. This shift in the healthcare system has caused an increased patient care load and decreased time to really spend with each patient, which is tough for nurses like me who enjoy talking and spending time with their patients."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"One of the hardest parts of nursing during the pandemic has been trying to be a support system to my patients. Since there is a no visitor policy unless it is extenuating circumstances, we have become the closest thing to family on top of being their nurse. It is a challenging task when you become the only listening ear for your patients while they are experiencing so many emotions and spend most of their time alone. I have felt very overwhelmed at times because I am constantly thinking about how I can provide the best care on top of running around, charting, passing medications, and keeping up with doctors' orders.
"On one occasion, I was taking care of a patient that was battling terminal cancer and the policy was unless a patient was on comfort care, he or she could not have visitors. At this time, the decision was not made yet whether this patient would be transitioned to comfort care-only measures. I was on the phone with this man's wife; she was screaming and crying saying she just wanted to visit her husband. She stated they had young children at home, and she knew he was dying, and she just wanted to visit him. That broke my heart. I remember going into the manager's office and explaining the situation almost in tears. I just could not imagine being married and not being able to see my spouse in his last few moments. Thankfully, this situation was rectified, but I will always remember that conversation."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"On my off days, I take time to destress and I do a lot of self-care. Some of those things include exercising, juicing, meditating, and journaling. These activities help me to declutter my mind and recover mentally so I can be rejuvenated when I return to work."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Working during this pandemic has solidified my purpose of why I became a nurse seven years ago. My passion has always been to serve people from all walks of life and play a part in them returning to their optimal level of health. In this pandemic, I feel like that has only been magnified. There are days that I have been stretched thin and pushed to the limits with so much responsibility. But in these moments, I am reminded that I was placed here for a reason and my patients are depending on me to deliver the best care possible!"
Bianca Ferguson, BSN, RN

Courtesy of Bianca Ferguson
Title: Medical-Surgical/Telemetry Registered Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Five years and seven months
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"For me being on the frontlines of a pandemic has been a life-changing experience. Before this pandemic, I went to work with a clear idea of how I would be taking care of my patients. I was confident that my skills and knowledge would get me through each shift. For the first time in my career, each day I walk into work with uncertainty of how the day will end."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It has been an overwhelming, heartbreaking yet rewarding experience. For nurses, not only are we having to do our job, we are also having to be there to support our patients emotionally because their families aren't able to physically do so. I also feel that it is necessary to step in because emotional support can be beneficial to overall healing. It is heartbreaking because not only are these patients fighting to overcome COVID, they may feel alone, so if I can assist by staying in the room a little longer or holding my patient's hand to reassure them that they aren't alone, I'll do that."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"During these times, I have been lucky to have an amazing support system. My family and friends have supported and encouraged all my decisions during these times. I have found myself traveling to different states and assisting hospitals where the needs are far worse than what I have experienced in my hometown. I am supporting myself by praying, staying positive, and taking all precautions necessary to stay safe. As far as my mental health, I make it a requirement to meet with my therapist frequently to release frustration and recharge my positive energy."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"These times have only reassured me that I made the right decision to become a nurse. I made the right decision to choose a career that allows me to see someones vulnerability and deliver holistic care without judgment. During this pandemic, I have had the pleasure of being an ambassador for a movement here in Atlanta to help those in need. #wekeepatlantaalive is a movement geared to give credit to everyone on the frontlines while giving back to the community. A small percentage of any merchandise purchased will be put back into our community. Find out more here."
Kristeen Thrash BSN, RN

Courtesy of Kristeen Thrash
Title: Assistant Nurse Manager at Wellstar West Georgia Medical Center
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Working during a pandemic is something I never saw coming when I was in nursing school. It was something that I studied and read about but never fathomed. When COVID-19 first hit, we were afraid, nervous, and concerned for our team members and patients. However, I felt prepared. My professional experience and training as a nurse has helped me push through and remember why I am here in the first place."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"Serving as a support system to my patients has given me more purpose. There are so many joyful memories of serving our patients during the pandemic, including helping a patient connect with family by holding up the phone to initiate a FaceTime conversation. We have gotten extremely creative when it comes to getting our patients the support that they need."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"Something I try to make sure I do daily is unplug. When I am at home, I limit my time on my phone and make sure that I spend quality time with my daughters. I also enjoy reading my bible. COVID-19 has taught me how to seize the moment. Before COVID, I would always have my phone in my hand and spend countless hours watching TV, but those things are no longer a priority. My family, especially my children, have been a source of renewed strength, peace, and motivation. I also make sure that I take excellent care of myself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"I feel like everything happens for a reason. I feel like God chose me to be here, in this place, because He has a higher calling on healthcare workers' lives during this season. Nurses are compassionate and feel that it is our duty to protect and save our communities, and I think that we (Wellstar and around the world) are doing an awesome job at it! This pandemic has shown me how strong and resilient healthcare workers really are, and it makes me proud to be a part of such a selfless a group of people."
Nurse Keziah, CPN

Courtesy of Nurse Keziah
Title: Certified Pediatric Nurse in Medical-Surgical, specializing in pediatric surgery and trauma cases
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Six years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"2020 was definitely the year of the nurse. The devastating impact of the COVID-19 virus on our communities made the role of nurses more important than ever before. There have been many tough days in my career as a nurse, but nothing comes close to the stress, fear, and anxiety that I have felt working as a nurse in the midst of this pandemic. In the early months of the pandemic, the hospital would adopt new system changes almost daily as new evidence was introduced about COVID-19. It was difficult to navigate through all of the changes at first, but with time, things became more adaptable. Health screenings, temperature checks, the use of masks, and visitor restrictions have become normal features of my work life."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"COVID-19 has been devastating for everyone involved. Strict visitation restrictions have affected all patients, not only those diagnosed with COVID-19. It has been difficult seeing the mental health and psychosocial effects of the pandemic on our pediatric patients. Many patients are admitted with complex psychosocial backgrounds where parental support is limited or non-existent. On our unit, we have experienced an increase in gunshot wounds and child abuse cases, particularly affecting our young African-American patients. Let's not forget, we are fighting two different wars here: COVID-19 and racism. Racism and implicit bias have been issues in nursing for a long time. I have found it increasingly important to provide support to patients with little to no support after suffering from trauma. I have made an effort to sit and talk with patients who are alone or hold crying infants who have been deprived from their parents."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"It truly takes a special person to be a nurse. We often neglect our own self-care, while working hard to care for those in our communities. I have experienced a ton of anxiety and depression during the pandemic as I have struggled to manage stress from work and school while being forced to socially distance in the midst of a global pandemic. As a night shift nurse, I often struggled with social isolation and sleep deprivation; but these challenges have become a lot more difficult to manage as the pandemic progresses. I have created wellness goals for myself to holistically address my mental and physical health needs. These goals include reducing screen-time on mobile devices and television, reading more books for leisure, cooking healthy meals at home, increasing my physical activity, blogging more consistently, and being more intentional in my interactions with family members and friends.
"This past year has taught me to the importance of maintaining strong connections. Life can be taken away from us in an instant, so it is important to forgive others and cherish each moment with those special people in your life."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Although pediatric patients were being diagnosed with COVID-19, this population did not require hospitalization at the same rates as adult populations. At the start of the pandemic, low census rates resulted in many lay-offs and reduced work hours for hospital staff at my current organization. I would sometimes feel guilty being flexed from a shift, knowing that nurses around the world were losing their lives from working overtime in COVID-19 hotspots. But after seeing the impact that the care I am providing has had on my own community, I understand that each nurse plays an important role in preserving our communities and keeping our nation healthy.
"Nurses around the world are risking their own physical and mental health to provide care and support for strangers while putting themselves and their own families at risk. Working in healthcare during a pandemic has been difficult, but I have never been more proud to be a nurse. We are the true heroes."
For more information about the National Black Nurses Association, visit their website, www.nbna.org. Keep up with Wellstar by following them on Instagram @wellstarhealth.
Featured image via Alicia Coley
Exclusive: Viral It Girl Kayla Nicole Is Reclaiming The Mic—And The Narrative
It’s nice to have a podcast when you’re constantly trending online. One week after setting timelines ablaze on Halloween, Kayla Nicole released an episode of her Dear Media pop culture podcast, The Pre-Game, where she took listeners behind the scenes of her viral costume.
The 34-year-old had been torn between dressing up as Beyoncé or Toni Braxton, she says in the episode. She couldn’t decide which version of Bey she’d be, though. Two days before the holiday, she locked in her choice, filming a short recreation of Braxton’s “He Wasn’t Man Enough for Me” music video that has since garnered nearly 6.5M views on TikTok.
Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."

Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
What Is A 'Vulnerable Narcissist'? How It Creeps Up In Female Friendships.
Narcissist. Boy, if there is a word that has been used — and, in many ways, misused — to death, especially on social media, that would be the one. I say that because the folks who think that just because a relationship didn’t go as planned, or they no longer gel with someone, that it must be because that person is a narcissist? Whew, chile.
So, let me just say before we get into today’s topic that one, I won’t really be referring to narcissistic personality disorder; people who have that are diagnosed by professionals — not randoms on social media who like to Google a lot. Nah, this is more about how some individuals display several traits of being narcissistic — and for the sake of this article, the traits of being a vulnerable narcissist, specifically.
I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Dragon Images/Getty Images









