Affirmations have the power to change everything around you if you just believe. With your words, you can immediately tap into a new belief system that can shift your life like never before. Creative director J. Ivory is a self-proclaimed Affirmations Queen who is known for being a visual storyteller and manifesting the life God has for her. In doing so, she has learned there is so much power in words and even more so in spoken words.
“The words we speak can either hurt us or heal us. I believe that your words are the most powerful weapon that our humanity has. Believe it or not, you are the very result of the words you have spoken over your life. Positive words have the power to change your life," she told xoNecole.
When it comes to manifesting your destiny, J. Ivory proclaims that you should think of affirmations as the pathway in which you want your actions to go. “You manifest affirmations best by doing the work and some of it is really hard work. I often tell my clients, 'If you see it, you can have it.' Visualize and write out how you see your highest/best self and start showing up as that person every day. Get to know the person you want to become. Be specific. What do they eat? How do they dress?” she asked. J. Ivory went on to say, “What books are they reading? If the person you want to become is financially free and wealthy, and that’s what you are affirming, then you need to ask yourself, 'How does my current spending habits and mindset align with the wealthy and financially-free person I want to become? What are some changes I can make today that I can be consistent at that will get me closer to my desired outcome?'"
Above all, she wanted to make sure folks realize that affirming the life you deserve calls for you to be unafraid of the specifics. “Sometimes, I find that people think that affirmations are some type of magic trick.” One thing to take away from J. Ivory's knowledge about affirmations is the importance of your actions aligning with your words.
In 2023, we want to be intentional about how we speak in every way. Since being about the action is a part of the beauty of manifesting affirmations, we rounded up 23 women to share the biggest affirmation they are speaking over themselves this year. Here’s what they had to say.
Tasha McCaskiel, Social Media Strategist and Creator of Black Girls in Media
@tashjmackk
Courtesy of Tasha McCaskiel
"I affirm a new and long-lasting love because 2022 was such a self-love year for me, and it was great. I also thrived professionally. [This] year I affirm room for a lifelong romantic partner! God has plans to prosper me, not to harm."
Terrica M. Wright, Founder and Co-Owner of The High Esteem Society
@terricatalks
Courtesy of Terrica M. Wright
"I give myself permission to be all that God has called me to be. An affirmation that got me through 2022 was 'Know who you are and whose you are.'"
Kimberlee Ward, CEO and Founder of Eternal Balance Candles
@theekward
Courtesy of Kimberlee Ward
"I am enough and worthy of the life I desire. I am speaking this affirmation over 2023 because this is the year to not only sit in a place of healing but recognize I deserve to enjoy and revel in what is on the other side of that healing. I want my awareness of what I know to be possible to expand toward the life I desire. I do not intend to act small or be small in my wants.
"As a 31-year-old Black woman, I deserve to have the luxuries of life and for my business, Eternal Balance Candles to become a six-figure business. I am speaking this affirmation over my life in 2023 to let myself know that I am enough and I can be in a place where I am thriving and not just surviving. I want myself to know that the survival mode I have been in served a purpose, to thank my physical body and mind for the changes it made through the hardships, and for me to know now is the time to shine being authentically me."
Mercedes Matthews, Meditation Instructor
@mercedesm7
Courtesy of Mercedes Matthews
“'It’s not what it cost, it’s what it’s worth.' This is my affirmation for 2023 because it reminds me to get comfortable making investments in my life that bring ease. The affirmation that got me through 2022 is 'Here I am, so here I’ll be.' A gentle reminder to be completely present in every moment possible."
Rechelle Dennis, ESSENCE Girls United Lead
@YungChelly
Courtesy of Rechelle Dennis
"'Take more fucking risks and love being uncomfortable!' It is important not to fear the power that resides within you. Find allies and people who can help you harvest your talents. How can you grow to the best that you can be without optimistically facing the unknown? 'Believe in yourself' is the corniest phrase known to mankind but it really got me through 2022. If you don’t believe in yourself and who you are, you can’t expect anyone else to. Everything starts within."
Kimberly Ndubizu, Founder and Host, Rich Little Brokegirls
@sliimkim
Courtesy of Kimberly Ndubizu
"'There are no limits to what women can achieve because there are no bounds to what women can dream.' For years women have slept the wildest dreams— today we are rested, determined, and will stop at nothing to see them true. Never doubt your intuition, it knows exactly where you are meant to be."
Rocquelle Porch, Podcaster of Black Style Anecdotes and Content Creator
@considermelovely
Courtesy of Rocquelle Porch
"'I can do hard things!' There are some things I want to accomplish in 2023, financially, professionally, and creatively. Doing so won’t be easy…requiring some sacrifice and grit, so I will be reminding myself of this daily, as I strive to reach my goals. The grass is green wherever I am."
Chasity Hart, Theater Teacher, Singer and Actress
@Iamchasityhart
Courtesy of Chasity Hart
"'Weight doesn’t determine my worth. Even if I’m afraid, I will do it. If I can dream it, I can have it. No one is me, and that is my power. I will thrive outside of my comfort zone. I will face resistance with action and faith. I am not what I’ve been through. I am who God made me.'"
Rasheda Crockett, Actress
@RashedaCrockett
Courtesy of Rasheda Crockett
"'God loves me and in love there’s no fear.' 'All things are possible' was the affirmation that got me through 2022."
Cashmiyr, Mompreneur
@cashthecre8tve
Courtesy of Cashmiyr
"'My intuition is clear and powerful.' 2022 was an extremely transformative year for me. Through the difficulties I’ve faced I came to realize that when I challenged or ignored my inner voice, I struggled the most. Fortunately, with the help of these lessons, I’ve arrived at a place where I don’t dare question the power of my intuition or the validity of my experiences. I know and feel that implementing this affirmation into my life will be incredibly beneficial, and I’m looking forward to meeting the woman I’ll be this time next year because of it. I believe in my strength and in life’s generosity."
Roberta Tabb, Digital Designer and Author
@therobertashow
Courtesy of Roberta Tabb
"I am only getting better. If I want it, I will get it. Last year’s mantra was, 'I am wealthy, emotionally, mentally and financially.'”
Kenniqua Howell, Content Creator, Storyteller and Social Strategist
@kenniquamona
Courtesy of Kenniqua Howell
"'I am worthy of all the good life has to offer, and I will continue to climb higher because there are no limits to what I can achieve.' Why? I’m so quick to question why I receive good things and in 2023, I am stepping into my full potential. I am no longer allowing people, things, jobs, etc. decide what I am capable of. In 2023, I am ready to wow myself and show myself that I am my wildest dreams and can achieve so much more than I think. I am no longer doubting myself, getting everything I deserve, and accepting every single thing… because I am worthy of it all."
Jennifer Francis-Smikle, Digital Media Strategist and Video Production
@MySpicedLife
Courtesy of Jennifer Francis-Smikle
"'I choose joy.' I want to do things that make me happy, make me smart and also serve ME. Oftentimes, I noticed that we are doing things to make others happy or doing things that will cause the least amount of turmoil with others. I am on the path to changing that for 2023. I celebrate all wins, big and small."
Daphine Bush, Influencer
@Simplydaph
Courtesy of Daphine Bush
"'I have the nature of love. All that I encounter will flourish in love.' This is my mantra this upcoming year because [the] God I love can and will empower us to lead our lives with love. We can spread love, walk in love, and abide in love despite what we experience and this new year, I’m always determined to love others and myself with the love of God. Last year's affirmation was, 'Be intentional.' I was determined to be intentional in all things. I was focused on my family, on my health, and on my relationship with God."
Shanika Graham-White, Content Creator and Cookbook Author
@orchidsnsweettea_
Courtesy of Shanika Graham-White
"'My year of restoration is unfolding. Every seed that was planted shall harvest in every form of my life.' This is what I'll be speaking over 2023 because it reminds me that my sowing in faith, perseverance, and patience will all reap something plentiful beyond what I could ask or think. 2022’s mantra was, 'Just keep going. Persevere, be consistent, and remain focused.'"
Bethany Everett-Ratcliffe, Content Creator
@twentysomethingplus
Courtesy of Bethany Everett-Ratcliffe
"I am worthy of all that comes my way. I don’t want to doubt any of my blessings. What I’ve hoped and prayed for is rightfully mine. Show me how good it can get."
Abigail Ogun, Digital Marketer and Travel Creator
@ladiestakenotes
Courtesy of Abigail Ogun
"2023 is a year of intentional growth and execution. I say this because I've spent a lot of time learning more about the content creator industry and how to turn it into a profitable business, as well as testing different methods to see what works for me and my audience. In 2023, I'm excited to jump into the deep end, implement everything I've learned and grow into my goals. I will take life as it comes and see the lessons in everything."
Marie Zoumanigui, Actress and Content Creator
@PetiteMarieNyc
Courtesy of Marie Zoumanigui
"'My thoughts become my reality.' I did a lot of trusting my abilities in 2022, it’s time for me to believe those abilities will get me to where I want to be as long as I keep working on them and putting the work in. 'I trust in my abilities' helped me get through 2022."
Tanisha Cherry, Influencer and Content Creator
@tanisha.cherry
Courtesy of Tanisha Cherry
"'My ambition and drive for success are balanced, healthy and in alignment with my highest good.' I'm dedicating 2023 to being locked into accomplishing the goals that will get me to that next level professionally. But at the same time, I am going to do it by remaining true to who I am and trusting my intuition along the way. Around the middle of 2022, I found myself being sad about not showing up for myself the way I need to and not having a support system to lean into. During these times, I had to remind myself that although I am feeling this, I am going to be okay."
Devana Turner, Technical Recruiter and Content Creator
@devanaturner
Courtesy of Devana Turner
"Nothing is more important than my mental and physical health. I will say no and say no often. No matter what your intentions are, take accountability for the impact."
Anita Aloys, Digital Content Creator
@auneetuh
Courtesy of Anita Aloys
"'I can accomplish everything I set out to achieve because fear is not a trait of a bad bitch.' This affirmation is so important to me because my goals for 2023 are huge and a little scary but I am determined to face them fearlessly as I'd love 2023 to be my best year yet! In 2022, I affirmed, 'I am receiving everything I deserve and the universe is aligning for my good!'"
Melissa Chanel Carnegie, Entrepreneur and Content Creator
@melissachanel
Courtesy of Melissa Chanel
"'I’m only going to get better!' I saved an Issa Rae TikTok this summer and it has stuck with me! [This] a reminder of where I’ve been and if I continue being my best self, I’m only going to get better! 2022 taught me that asking for help is a sign of self-respect and self-awareness. Asking for help has always been hard for me! This year I was able to practice and understand that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. This affirmation helped me with that!"
Klarke Foreman, Model, Graphic Designer and Business Owner
@kweenklarke
Courtesy of Klarke Foreman
"'I can do hard things.' Adulting, pursuing a dream, nurturing relationships, and establishing healthier habits internally and externally are all challenging (and that's just to name a few). But what's even harder is staying the same. I am choosing my hard, especially if it's for the betterment of myself. The affirmation that got me through 2022 was 'I am conquering my fears and becoming stronger each day.'"
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Featured image courtesy of Marie Zoumanigui
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Her captivating command of the pole left many of us intrigued, perhaps even tempted, to explore pole dancing ourselves after witnessing the mesmerizing performances at Mercedes Sunday. But it wasn’t just her physical prowess that kept us hooked. Mercedes is a character of depth—empowering, complex, relatable, and deeply human.
These are qualities that Brandee embodies both on and off the screen.
(L-R) Marque Richardson and Brandee Evans on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
A Memphis native, Brandee is no stranger to dance. She boasts an impressive career as a choreographer, having worked with renowned artists like Katy Perry, Monica, Ke$ha, and Ledisi. But while it has been a significant part of her journey, Brandee has her sights set on more—expanding her acting career beyond dance-inclusive roles. This ambition nearly led her to pass on the opportunity to appear alongside Kerry Washington in Hulu’s UnPrisoned, where she plays Ava, Mal's (Marque Richardson) new girlfriend.
“When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no,” Brandee revealed with a laugh. “She mentioned pole dancing, and I told myself and my team that once I was done with Mercedes, I wasn’t going to do that again.” Fortunately, Washington assured her that the role would be vastly different, leading to what Brandee described as an invaluable masterclass in comedy under the guidance of Washington herself.
“Kerry is a force of nature,” Brandee reflected. “She’s everything you’d hope she’d be—strong, compassionate, and incredibly talented. Working with her was like a masterclass in acting.” This opportunity was no mere stroke of luck; it was something Brandee had manifested years earlier. But make no mistake–she credits her faith and praying hands for her success. “I’m praying, you know what I mean? I’m asking God for what I want and working for it too,” she said.
"When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no."
(L-R) Brandee Evans, Kerry Washington, and Marque Richardson on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
This role marked Brandee’s first foray into comedy, and while she was eager to embrace the challenge, she found herself in the hands of an incredible mentor. “Kerry was always so kind in her critiques,” Brandee noted. “She’s not a diva by any means. She knows exactly what she wants, but she’s gentle and encouraging in bringing it out of you. That’s something I’ve taken with me to other sets—I want to lead with the same kindness and openness that Kerry showed me. It’s a lesson I’ll carry for the rest of my life.”
Brandee speaks with profound respect and gratitude for her peers and fellow actresses as many have shown her genuine sisterhood and support in an industry often notorious for its competitiveness. “Danielle Brooks sent me a prayer the other day, and I was just so touched. Those are the moments that people don’t see,” she shared. “I call Sheryll Lee Ralph my fairy godmother, and Loretta Devine is like my auntie. Being able to pick up the phone and seek advice from these incredible women is a true blessing.”
And she pays it forward.
Brandee Evans
Courtesy: Hulu
But her commitment to supporting others extends far beyond her career. As an advocate for health and wellness, she empowers women to prioritize their well-being. “Azaria [Carter], who plays my daughter on P-Valley, mentioned wanting to start a weight loss journey and get more fit. I told her, ‘Well, let’s work out together,’” Brandee recounted. But her dedication to healthy living goes beyond physical fitness, encompassing a holistic approach to wellness. “When she came to my house and tried to microwave something in plastic, I said, ‘Let’s use glass instead. At 20, I wasn’t thinking about that, but let me share some tips now so you’re not battling fibroids in your 30s.’”
Because she was.
While filming the first season of P-Valley, Brandee faced enormous stress—not only as a caregiver for her mother, who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, but also due to the physical demands of the role. Yet the impact on her body was far greater than she expected. “I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal,” Brandee revealed. It was Harriet D. Foy, who plays her mother, who urged her to get checked for fibroids.
"I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal."
Brandee Evans graces the 2024 ESSENCE Black Women In Hollywood Awards Ceremony.
Arnold Turner/Getty Images for ESSENCE
The statistics are staggering—80% of Black women develop abnormal uterine growths by age 50, making them more likely to suffer from fibroids than any other racial group. But like many, Brandee was initially unaware of these growths and their debilitating effects, and the prospect of surgery was daunting. “I was scheduled to have a myomectomy on my birthday, but I thought about what it would mean for my career. How am I going to climb the pole? The healing process is similar to a C-section.” Determined to avoid surgery, she committed to healing herself naturally.
After a deep dive, she sought treatment at The Herb Shop of Vinings in Atlanta, which ultimately led to a remarkable recovery. “This man saves lives. His name is Jeff, and I call him my doctor.” Brandee shared. “I started detoxing my body with herbs and following his program. During my follow-up with the gynecologist, they said, ‘We don’t know what you’re doing, but your fibroids are shrinking.’”
Emerging on the other side of this journey not only fibroid-free but with a regulated cycle and a renewed outlook on life, Brandee is now focused on sharing her story and advocating for women’s health. “I know y’all want to hear about P-Valley, but I want to talk about regulating your period,” she said with a laugh.
Of course, she didn’t leave fans hanging when it came to what to expect in the upcoming season. “It is worth the wait. The world is about to go crazy. Oh, the world is about to lose it,” Brandee teased. “Y’all might be mad at us right now, but baby, it’s going to be worth it.”
All episodes of Season 2 of UnPrisoned are now streaming on Hulu.
Featured image courtesy of Hulu
You will see everything from Bored Panda’s “33 Older Adults Share Their Feelings On ‘The One Who Got Away’ Now That Time Has Passed” and BuzzFeed’s “’I Still Think Of Her Daily’: Older Adults Are Sharing If They Still Have Feelings For ‘The One Who Got Away’” to data which says that close to half of Americans have not only thought about an old crush or past love, they’ve also used the internet to look them up (uh-huh, y’all be careful out here: “Baby Bliss Is Ruined After MIL Gleefully Reveals Her Son Went On A Date With An Ex Before Wedding”).
Hmph. It makes me think of when one of my now good friends found out, a couple of years after my first book came out, that he actually did some mild producing for one of the characters in it — my own first love. As I shared some of the story, Shannon started singing a throwback R&B hit that he co-wrote, co-produced, and also recorded before Heather Headley did. The title? “In My Mind” (Heather’s version ishere; Shannon’s version ishere). As life would have it, it was in heavy rotation during the time of that very conversation.
Damn. My book came out in 2004. 2006 is when Heather’s cover of “In My Mind” was released. And you know what? In freakin’ 2023 (November, to be exact), I ran into my first love…again. The brief backstory is we both had separately debated going to a certain restaurant for a quick bite and then saw each other — and being that he has never married and neither have I (because only a guy who hasn’t been married before is personally an option for me), there we went…again…running in the flowers of nostalgia while trying to see if we can figure something out. *le sigh* Then add tax.
Oh, the one who got away. If that’s really how you truly feel about someone, when they do come back around into your space, it can be quite a doozy. And if/when it happens, you may be worrying yourself sick trying to figure out what to do about it. Listen, all I can do is tell you what I’ve learned from my own personal experience and observation of other people’s journeys. Here’s hoping that, by asking yourself the following questions, you, your mind and heart (and body, if it comes to that) will find the answers that you seek.
*P.S. Where’s your journal at? You’re gonna need it.*
Did He “Come Back” — or Did You Go Looking for Him?
GiphySomething that I used to say often is, “If you look ‘him’ up on Facebook, it’s you; however, if you run into him in Kroger, it’s God.” What I mean by that is, whoever you consider to be the one who got away, I’m not sure how “meant to be” it is if you’re only reconnected to him now because you went and sought him out. And no, I’m not coming from the angle that “men are hunters” (I hate that saying) and women should never pursue men (Ruth and Esther in Scripture did; it turned out fine for them — check out “6 Things Church Taught You About Dating That Weren't (Fully) Biblical”).
What I’m saying is when folks shift out of your life and seem to be fine with not reconnecting, there’s got to be a reason for that because they have the same internet that you do. Shoot, even if it’s not something as serious as they’re married if they do think of you fondly on some level, if they really wanted to reconnect, why haven’t they tried?
And here’s the thing — I know someone who once was almost desperate to become someone’s wife. So much, in fact, that she decided to seek out a college ex (sex buddy). He replied to her, eventually they did reconnect —, and although they are “together,” it’s been well over a decade and no ring. Clearly, he wasn’t looking for her or a wife and, as a result of her reaching out, somehow, she convinced herself to settle; now she’s out here believing that she doesn’t want to be married either.
Could it have played out the same way if he had reached out first? Eh, possibly. However, what I have noticed (and no, this isn’t gender-specific) is that oftentimes, the individual who makes the first step is more inclined to compromise than the one who is on the receiving end. That said, this guy wasn’t acting like the human version of Kermit sipping tea while looking out of the window as he wondered how to find her…she did that. And so, since she wanted him, she was more willing to do what he wanted in order to remain in contact with each other. SMDH.
Moral to the story on this one: When two people want the same thing, it’s all good. Oh, but when you convince yourself that settling is better than nothing at all, as writer Maureen Dowd once said, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” INDEED.
All I’m saying when it comes to this particular question is if he got away and he also isn’t taking the initiative to come back, consider why — shoot, why not even ask him? ‘Cause listen, if you took the time to reach out, you might as well get as much intel as possible on the front end. Clearly, he was fine not finding you. Why is that the case?
Did He “Come Back” — or Did the Universe Orchestrate a “Chance” Meeting?
GiphySome of the close-to-day-ones might recall reading another article that I penned for the platform entitled, “Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour.” In it, I actually mention my first love and how, back in 2015, we had a run-in. I also said that, after that season, I was over him. Okay, but now it’s 2024, and I just told you that he almost got me AGAIN. I think for me, it’s two-fold. One, he’s never been married, and two, I never go looking for him. It’s always grocery stores or restaurants — random-ish, and honestly, I think because I am such a “signs and wonders” kind of person that is what brings me to a state of “cause for pause.”
Anyway, I think we all can agree that, on a lot of levels, on so many levels, I am an open book. The particulars on this, though, I’m going to keep to myself because I’m still processing some of it (and some stuff is still just my business). I will say this, though: If you are someone who recently had a run-in with your own the-one-who-got-away and you had absolutely nothing to do with initiating it, there are some quotes that I want to encourage you to keep in mind:
“Even if we have ourselves so fully convinced that we are on the right track because we desperately want to believe that the specific direction we have chosen is the ‘correct one,’ if the universe disagrees with our choices, it will not be shy in telling us so.” (Miya Yamanouchi)
“A coincidence will always be a coincidence until its significance is realized.” (Angie Corbett-Kuiper)
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.” (Joseph Campbell)
Does the run-in automatically mean that the two of you are destined to be together? I’m not saying that. What I will say is when you factor in all that happens in the world and how going left instead of right or being 30 minutes earlier or later could’ve prevented you from seeing “him”— yes, the universe is trying to show you something.
Even beyond the guy, spend some time pondering what that could be…, which brings me to the third question.
Is He to Be Your Lover Again — or Is He Just to Show You Something?
GiphyListen, just because I am a marriage life coach and I write on relationships for a living, that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own accountability crew (we ALL need that). The thing that I adore about mine is most of them are just as “straight no chaser” as I am. And so, whenever my first love comes back up, they are always on some, “Can one of you get married already, either to each other or someone else, so we can wrap this thing up?” — and chile, when this last encounter happened, due to some other details of the story, my male and female friends alike were like, “You can’t make this sh-t up!” (you really can’t).
That’s why, I have learned the hard way, to not make some heavy declarations (anymore) until everything really is all said and done.
At the same time, what I will share is because my first love has a tendency to run into me, pour it on thick, and then simmer, this time, I did some real soul-searching to figure out how much of the emotional acrobatics (on my part) was about 19-year-old Shellie still needing to get some things off of her chest more the woman who I am now still being “in love” with him. And boy, was that needed.
Back in 2015, I was pretty much just on, “So, are we getting married or what?!” This time, it was more like, “Why do you keep affecting me this way?” I mean, I get some of why: when your first love is pretty much your first everything, and you are also his first love, the bond is…significant. At the same time, though, because my question was different in 2023, the answers were too.
And the reality is there were still some things that “19 me” needed to work out so that she could catch up to who I am now. And on this side of realizing that, I get just how necessary that was because, first love, some other guy or no (future) husband at all — for myself, I needed to address and respond to some things…within myself.
So yeah, that’s another thing to ask about your own situation: before automatically romanticizing everything and assuming that the two of you are destined to be, ask if he’s to be your now-lover or now-teacher. You’d be amazed how that one question alone can shed a lot of light on what is actually transpiring in this season of your life.
Are the Two of You Supposed to Be Together — or Is There Just Some Closure/Clarity That’s Needed?
Giphy(Side note on this GIF. Erica Ash played the hell out of her role on Survivor's Remorse. RIP, sis.)
There’s another guy from my “get your heart piece back” tour that I reconnected with that I am SO GLAD that I did. One reason is that I carried a lot of, let’s go with the word “burden” of feeling that I made some poor choices (especially when it came to bad timing) that really did cause him to be someone who I filed as “letting him get away.” Another reason is that the way that things ended between us was so abrupt that I always had some questions (he basically called me up one day, said I was like “crack” to him, that he didn’t want to be addicted, and so we couldn’t talk anymore).
And still, another reason is I felt like although things ended, we never really got closure — and yes, something that I am a huge fan of is closure…because without it, sometimes doors are left ajar or cracked and that’s how things can creep right back on in.
The first conversation we had? It was for hours, well into the night. We missed each other. We reminisced about some things. And we caught up. However, the catch-up already let me know that our past needed to stay there because he was divorced, and again, divorced guys aren’t an option to/for me. Some other conversations that followed also brought some closure because, as much as we’ve always enjoyed each other’s company and, quite frankly, as great as the sex used to be (LAWD!), we were two very different people now.
Our values are different. Our experiences have caused us to take different forks on the road. In this season, we desire very different things. You know what, though? I never would’ve known all of that had we not spoken. Yes, some closure was needed, so that I could look back with a clearer and fuller picture.
So yes, that’s why I think another question that should be asked is, if 'the one who got away' being back in your life at this time is so you two can be together, or it’s so that you two can get some real clarity and closure so that the title of 'the one who got away' can be put to rest? Because when it comes to the guy that I just spoke of?
For me, now he’s just a fine-ass man who I had a great connection with once upon a time and who is thriving on his side of the world as I do the same. He didn’t “get away” anymore. He’s gone because…that’s how it should be.
What About Him Being in Your Life, As You Are Now, Would Enhance It?
GiphyI am very word-specific and word-literal. That’s why I want you to notice how, with this question, I didn’t say “change” or “improve” — I said ENHANCE. To enhance is “to raise to a higher degree.” Some synonyms for enhance include build-up, strengthen, increase, add to, and complement (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”).
You know, several years ago, I was on an interesting journey with a guy, and I’ll never forget what two of our friends (who were married at the time) said when they found out: “Shellie, I see how you’d be good for him. We’re not sure how he’d be good for you, though.” HMPH. Y’all better listen to folks who care about you when they speak into your life — there’s no telling what they can spare you from if you just choose to listen.
And that’s the thing — the one who got away, even if he was awesome for you back in the day, even if it’s totally your fault that he got away the first time…who are you now? Would bringing him back into your world, on any level, enhance it? Would it really? And, if you do truly still care about him, would you being back in his life enhance his as well?
Because there really is such a big difference between being good to someone vs. being good for them (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”) and mature folks? They don’t want the former if it doesn’t come with the latter — mutually so.
BONUS: Please Don’t Mistake Nostalgia for Love
GiphyI rememberonce reading that our brain actually craves nostalgia.Some research says that taking walks down memory lane can give us a greater sense of self, put us in better moods, and it can even play a pivotal role in our personal growth and development. And y’all, that may be why we sometimes get so caught up when it comes to (certain) men from our past. Nostalgia can be so seductive and even exhilarating that we might think it’s love when…it might just be an emotional high for the moment.
Real conversations. Slowing down. Praying, meditating, and journaling. Not being quick to jump into bed. Letting some people you trust hold you accountable. Being honest about what you need at this time in your life. Not living in the past if it’s at the expense of compromising your present or sacrificing your future. Encouraging “him” to do all of these same things for himself as well — this is what helps you to come to the realization of whether what you’re feeling is nostalgia, love, or both.
And if it is love, is it the kind of love that needs to have a commitment attached or a full and final release?
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Yeah, whether it was bad timing, he was the wrong person, or a little bit of both, the thing about the one who got away is they did so for a reason. If they’re back, see what the PURPOSE is in that….so that if they stay, they stay for good. And if they go, they’re gone for good (preaching to the choir here, by the way).
Feel me? I certainly hope you do.
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Featured image by Adam Hester/Getty Images