If you want to change or move forward in your life, you have to be willing to seek clarity around what's holding you back. The road to bettering herself, leveling up professionally and personally, and empowering others with how to do so is a journey that native Detroiter, social entrepreneur, and youth advocate Danielle D. Hughes has committed to.
Her debut book Always Make Your Bed, shares seven principles that readers can use to dream it, do it, and get what they want out of life. "The title was inspired by the importance of consistency. People would always ask how to stay encouraged and inspired. It's simple, make your bed." The book explores the science behind having a routine and consistency. In it, Danielle shares the journey and strategies that led her from being least likely to succeed in high school to being a Chief Changemaker in her city and being honored on Forbes' 30 under 30 list for her work in education.
Courtesy of Danielle D. Hughes
The book itself was inspired by Danielle's own becoming story. One day after speaking at a local university in Michigan, 30 young women came up to Danielle asking for mentorship. She didn't have the bandwidth to help every woman who stayed back, but thought writing a book could be a way to share the wisdom she'd acquired along her own journey. Being vulnerable about her challenges wasn't always easy, but Danielle knew that sometimes "the story you want to hide is the story you need to share the most."
After graduating from Georgia State University with a degree in journalism, she struggled to find her passion. After being fired from her first two reporting jobs, she was forced to reckon with what her true purpose was. An idea to start a vision board workshop for local youth fueled her desire to make helping young people in her community part of her life's work. She went on to co-found a youth-focused Detroit non-profit, Detroit Speaks. Now, Danielle serves as a Dream Director for the Future Project and is responsible for coaching and mentoring students in the Detroit public school system.
"Every single day I try to reconnect to my why. My why is being the person I wish I had when I was younger. It's so fulfilling being able to share with my students the things I wish I had: financial literacy, finding what you're passionate about before you to go to school and get an expensive degree and realize you don't even like it. For them to see someone like me make the Forbes list [opens] up a seed of possibility for them that they can do whatever they want."
xoNecole chatted with Danielle about some of the life-changing, yet simple, principles she teaches in her book. Check out her advice on how you can start living a more impactful life below.
1. Develop a routine (consistency + execution):
"One day I got fed up with myself and said I need to put myself in a routine. Every successful person I knew had a routine. I needed to emulate that because something [must be] working. Consistency breeds consistency. Make sure your foundation is laid and business is handled. Once you become a serial entrepreneur, it's important to make sure that all of your ducks are in a row.
"The two main things that serve as the defining line between being a dreamer and a doer is consistency and execution. As human beings, we struggle with consistency. We'll try something new but if we don't see it working, we're over it and on to the next. That's not how great things are built. Great things take time. Once I started making my bed every morning, I started getting more done in the day and prioritizing my time. It was repeatedly doing one task every day. It's a super simple task: waking up, pulling your sheets back, and making your bed. That will lead over into your personal life, business, and whatever else.
"You can be consistent but that doesn't always mean you're executing. Create a task and then finish it. You can work at it every day and still not finish it. We put so much on ourselves for things to be perfect and for it to look a certain way. Done is so much better than perfect any day."
Courtesy of Danielle D. Hughes
"Great things take time. Once I started making my bed every morning, I started getting more done in the day and prioritizing my time. It was repeatedly doing one task every day. It's a super simple task: waking up, pulling your sheets back and making your bed. That will lead over into your personal life, business, and whatever else."
2. Have a strategic vision for your life:
"Having a vision for your life is so important. Without a vision, you're going to just go through life doing the same thing and doing the same normal routine. If that doesn't make you happy, eventually, you'll get burned out and [feel] unfulfilled. Having a strategic vision is [critical]. Write down your daily goals every single day. Get a planner. Check them off. Make sure you're happy. Ask yourself, 'Am I doing this because I want to or am I trying to fulfill someone's else's dream?'"
3. Have a strong financial foundation:
"I've made a lot of financial mistakes. My car got repossessed two years ago because I was mishandling my money. I was young and didn't have any financial literacy. I was making what I thought was a lot of money. I had to work to build back up my credit and savings account. Being a young Black woman, we don't always talk about saving, budgets, and credit in our households. I taught myself when I got older. Make sure you have a handle on your money. Make sure you have at least emergency funds.
"Financial freedom is everything. Cash does really rule everything in the United States. Money rules the world. Everything costs. As much as we hate it, that's what it is. It's so important to know where your money is going. Life happens to all of us. You're going to need something to fall back on. Life is a lot harder when you don't have anything in the bank or low credit. It's easier to get what you want out of life when you have a strong financial foundation."
4. Bounce back from failure:
"I try to be as transparent as possible. I've been fired from every job I ever had, except for two. It happens to all of us. We all deal with something. It's not so much about what happens to you or how you react to it. It's how you bounce back. No one cares about the people who have played it safe and stayed down after getting knocked down. We celebrate and hear about the people who got back up. Those are the people who are the icons and change the world. The ones who go down in history are the people who got back up ten times after being knocked down nine times. No matter what you go through...no matter how big or small, always get back up. There's always something better if you just keep fighting. I've been told 'no' a thousand times more than I've been told 'yes'. I'm going to keep going."
"I've been fired from every job I ever had, except for two. It happens to all of us... It's not so much about what happens to you or how you react to it. It's how you bounce back."
5. Seek a mentor:
"Mentorship is essential for success. I like to consider myself a life-long learner. People that I admire or look up to are all life-long learners. They always tell me to never stop learning. The moment that you feel like you have enough knowledge and know everything, you've failed. I don't have any super close mentors now, but I have a lot of 'virtual' mentors. One of my 'in my head' mentors is Myleik Teele. I also have a group of three close friends. We're all in different industries and they serve as my mentors, too. It's important to note that your relationships change as you change. My entire circle has changed in the last ten years. The people who I now surround myself with every day are most certainly my mentors, advisors, and counselors."
To learn more consistency and life hacks from Always Make Your Bed, visit www.amybbook.com or follow Danielle on Instagram (@danielledhughes).
Proceeds from the sales of Always Make Your Bed will benefit Danielle's newly formed scholarship program the "David Jackson Jr. Scholarship For Emerging Leaders" - a fund that will be used to assist local Detroit youth in their scholastic and entrepreneurial endeavors.
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Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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