Throughout the better part of my life, I've heard the saying: “Ask and ye shall receive."
The idea that whatever we desire is just waiting for us to claim it through the words out of our mouths and the meditation of our hearts has been a welcome companion in good and bad times alike. However, like most simple steps, it was the hardest one to commit to—the total reliance on faith, God, and energy. So, I first took my semi-commitment to social media because, as we all know by this point, social media is where we go to say the things that our close friends are tired of hearing.
I started to be upfront with the “world" about my desires with hopes that the Universe would respond to me and let me know I was on the right track. So I'd tweet this:
I half-believed it and half-expected it to happen about five to ten years from now.
Fast forward three years and I am here: a working actress, a writer, well-traveled, and a boyfriend who—you guessed it—loves loves art and hip-hop. We're holding off on the kids for a while, but I have it; I have what I asked for. Now what? Oftentimes, we arrive at our proverbial destination and have no idea what to do in order to keep climbing. We either become workhorses who have no time to enjoy the blessings we prayed for or we become complacent and forget that our dreams must be fed consistently.
So here are seven answers to the question, “Now what?"
1.Get Specific
Now that you've laid the foundation, it's time to build on it. Generalizing your dreams is not enough. You want to write a book? What kind? Do you want it to be a NYT bestseller? You want to own a business? Where? For how long? Do you want to be on the cover of Forbes when it's all said and done? Details will save you energy in the long run because you'll know what to focus on every step of the way. Distractions and wasted time are like poison for dreamers.
2.Be Bold
This is not the time to be bashful. You fought to be here, don't make light of your journey, and don't be afraid to share what you've learned. This also applies to tip one, ask God for exactly what you want. He knows your heart anyway, so why hold back for fear that you won't get it? Courage is such a huge part of success!
3.Stop Comparing
If you're worried about competing with the person next to you, you'll have less time to build your own empire. And trust me, they're just as concerned about tomorrow as you are. That's human nature. Your dreams, your story, your cornbread…it's yours. No one can take it from you. And the opposite is true: you cannot receive another person's blessings. If they have it, it's theirs, and it wouldn't fit you anyway.
4.Take Away the Ceiling
One of my favorite teachers would tell us to never aim for an A because, "Once you get that A, you'll feel like there's nothing left to learn." If you tell yourself that there is a goal you want to reach and make that goal the ceiling for your dreams—you'll miss out on your ability to keep growing.
5.Make a New List of Goals
This may seem like an obvious step, but I'm always shocked by how many people never think to keep dreaming bigger. Chances are, if you're traveling, researching, meeting new people, and learning all there is to know about your particular field, you'll discover new talents—use them.
6.Sleep
Listen, nothing will feed your dreams better than a well-rested mind. Don't believe the "they sleep, we grind" narrative; running your body into the ground in the name of your dreams won't get you there any quicker. What it will do is slow down your progress. Sleep deprivation directly affects your central nervous system, aka the place where your ideas come from.
7.Live
No, really. You must find time to live. Take some risks. Break some ties. Form some new relationships. Read some books. Spend one too many hours on Tumblr. Go to a museum. Post that selfie you were going to post, but then thought it was too much. Do absolutely nothing for an entire day. Whatever makes you feel alive, do it. Do not become so stifled by success that taking a step away from your work riddles you with fear of being left behind. This is very important for all of you creatives out there—the best thing you can do for your art is to be a well-rounded person with life experiences.
Cut yourself some slack. Enjoy what you have right now and keep going!
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One more thing? You’ve got to accept the fact that, just because they chose you and love you, that doesn’t mean that they should be expected to always agree with you or even not challenge you — and because that is the case, sometimes some communication issues are going to arise, whether it’s in the form of an argument or…something a bit less stressful.
And since that is indeed the case, it’s important to know what you can (and possibly should) do when those moments arise — for the sake of you and your partner’s sanity and your relationship’s overall health and well-being. So, are you ready to get a few tips on how to communicate more peacefully and effectively with your partner?
Read on.
Argument, Debate, or Discussion? Learn the Difference
Is It an Argument, a Debate or a Discussion?
GiphyOkay, so let me start off this article by saying that if you are a parent of young children, one of the best things that you can do for them is put an emotional chart up in their rooms (like this one here). The reason why I say that is because I work with a lot of adults who really struggle with communicating with their partner and, the surprising reason why is because, they don’t know how to properly and/or thoroughly express their feelings — and it’s because they don’t know which words to use.
I’m not kidding either. Sometimes, you’re not mad at your partner; you’re confused by their actions. Sometimes, you’re not tired of the relationship; you’re bored. Sometimes, you’re not worried; you’re nervous — and because these different words weren’t expressed and emphasized enough, while you were growing up, you don’t use them as much (or as well) as you probably should now. And that causes you to misuse words as well as put the wrong amount of energy into them — when they aren’t really the ones that you were actually trying to convey to begin with.
And along these lines, the same thing goes for an argument vs. a debate vs. a discussion. When you are exchanging the type of dialogue with your partner that might not be as pleasant as you would like, before automatically saying that the two of you are “arguing with each other” — is that actually the case?
Argument: an oral disagreement; verbal opposition; contention; altercation
Debate: a discussion, as of a public question in an assembly, involving opposing viewpoints; to deliberate; consider
Discussion: an act or instance of discussing; consideration or examination by argument, comment, etc., especially to explore solutions; informal debate
Ah…do you already see where this is headed? If every time that you and your partner don’t see eye to eye on something, you automatically call it an “argument,” by definition of that word, you are bringing contention into the space…when it may not be an argument at all.
So yeah, when it comes to learning how to get through certain conversations with your partner, first ask yourself if the two of you are verbally sparring (an argument), if the two if you as simply sharing opposing viewpoints (a debate) or if the two of you are actually having a discussion where you are exploring solutions to a problem (a discussion) — and you simply haven’t come to a common ground on what the solution should be…yet?
Next point.
Before You React, Ask Yourself This One Question:
What Exactly Are You Trying to Accomplish?
GiphyI recently watched an Instagram post which basically said that once you reach the age of 45, you will find yourself saying, “Okay” to just about anything and everything. She wasn’t saying it from the angle of being a doormat — she was saying that you start to value your time and energy too much to go back and forth with folks.
Although I get her overall point, “Okay-ing” ish is pretty passive aggressive, so if you’re one of those people, I recommend that you try and find another approach. However, what I will say is a good takeaway from what she was sharing is, when you are disagreeing with someone, before getting too mentally and emotionally invested in the disagreement itself, ask yourself what you ultimately want to accomplish first.
Hmph. This makes me think of one of my former boyfriend’s family. Boy, talk about a group of know-it-alls. It was wild how they seemed to think that they had the solutions for everything and everybody when so much of their lives were pure chaos — and while I used to get sucked in by trying to prove that they weren’t the only people with an I.Q. in the triple digits, after a while, I got to the point of “What’s the point?” I’m not going to win prize money if I out-debate them and besides, they were so arrogantly addicted to being right that they would consistently “move the bar,” just so they wouldn’t have to admit when they were wrong.
And so, since their goal wasn’t to learn and evolve but to merely teach and patronize (more “B” than “A”), I finally came to the conclusion that it was best for my sanity and well-being to simply tap out. Let them go back and forth, for hours on end, with each other…for nothing…if they wanted to.
And yes, that is the next thing that you have to ask yourself when it comes to the argument or debate or discussion that you are having with your partner: what are you ultimately wanting to accomplish? Is it clarity? Is it a resolve? Is it harmony? Or are you like that family I just mentioned and you simply want to be right…even if none of those other things come as a result of doing so?
Peep the title of this piece again. You know, some people can’t let stuff go between them and other individuals because their ego won’t let them. When it comes to the topic for today, that is certainly worth pondering. Long and hard.
Ask More Questions, Make Fewer Accusations
Did You Ask More Questions or Make More Statements?
GiphyWhen it comes to effectively communicating with your partner, I will forever die on the hill that you are going to get way more accomplished if you ask questions more than you make statements. For one thing, questions give them the impression that you want to learn more in order to cultivate peace and understanding while making statements can oftentimes come off as being accusatory, as if you have all of the answers and/or like you are the only one who has needs, feelings and even facts when it comes to whatever you and your partner are talking about.
Not only that but questions tend to disarm people from going on the defensive. Just think about it: Do you think that you are going to get more from your partner if you say, “You are always trying to get the last word!” or if you ask, “Why does it seem like your walls go up when we have these types of conversations? What are you needing in this moment?”
It’s a man by the name of James Stephens who once said, “We get wise by asking questions.” Wise people self-regulate. Wise people empathize. Wise people always want to learn more. Wise people are self-aware and can self-reflect. Wise people know how to listen. If you want to walk away from the conversation being all the wiser, resolve to not have all of the answers. Ask some questions along the way.
Listening Is a Love Language Too
Did You Actually LISTEN?
GiphyWise people listen — and y’all, listening is something that really is on the endangered species list. SMDH. How do you know if you are a good listener? Well, you can start by asking your partner to hear their thoughts on the matter (straight up).
Beyond that, though — good listeners don’t cut people off while they are speaking; good listeners are aware of their body language while interacting with others (check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”); good listeners listen to comprehend not to immediately respond; good listeners respect that everyone is not like them (nor are they supposed to be) and so they get that they may be hearing totally different opinions and perspectives; good listeners are humble.
Good listeners are open-minded; good listeners respect who they are engaging with enough to not let other things distract them in the process; good listeners respond more than they react; good listeners are perfectly fine not getting the last word (because when you know the value of your words, you don’t need to get the last one), and good listeners want to take something beneficial away from the conversation once it is actually over.
Argument, debate or discussion — imagine how much smoother things would go if both people said, “Wait — before this goes any further, can we simply agree to listen to each other?” and then actually do it? I’d probably lose a third of my clients on this alone, chile. Straight up.
Empathy Is the Shortcut to Resolution
Have You Put Yourself in Their Shoes?
GiphyEven though I know the data, sometimes it’s hard for even me to believe that only 10-15 percent of marriages are sexless (which constitutes to having sex no more than 10-15 times a year). I say that because, easily, 60 percent of my clients have sex-related issues within their relationship.
Currently, I’m dealing with a couple who is working through infidelity. The husband cheated after not having sex with his wife for 13 months because — and these are her words — she wasn’t in the mood. No health issues. No serious marital woes. Sex simply wasn’t a priority to her. Hmph. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times that even Scripture backs that sex is a responsibility in marriage not just something to do (check I Corinthians 7:5) — and so, what I’ve been trying to get her to see is while she didn’t deserve to be cheated on (of course not), he didn’t deserve to be in a marriage where there was no intimacy either. Every action — or non-action — has a reaction. We learned that in what — middle school?
When the issue was initially brought to me, all she could think about was her feelings. As we’ve been working on the concept of empathy, though, some accountability and healing have been taking place. Because for all of you who just read what I said and only thought about what he did — how would YOU feel if your spouse turned you down for over a year straight? Yeah…exactly.
Unless you’re in an abusive situation (which would require a different article entirely), pretty much anything that you and your partner are going through can be de-escalated if you both put forth the concerted effort and energy to simply EMPATHIZE with one another. With that in mind, please stop trying to only get them to see things your way; be open to looking at things from how they see matters as well.
Even if it doesn’t cause you to come to a full agreement, it will still help you to better understand where they are coming from. That way, if the two of you are committed to finding some sort of resolve, you can do it from a place of identifying matters from both perspectives while gaining clear insight from one another too.
Do You Want to Be Right or in a Healthy Relationship?
Know That a Resolution and a Win Are Not Exactly or Automatically the Same Thing
GiphyI went to a private high school that didn’t have a forensics team. Boy, if they did, I sho ‘nuf would’ve been on it, though because Shellie likes to debate (although the older I get, the less I do it). I did have friends who were on teams at their school, though and you can tell because, to this day, they still want to talk to win. LOL. I mean, for the most part, no harm, no foul.
However, when you’re in a relationship, if all you want to do is “win the conversation,” that’s probably not going to be holistically beneficial in the long run. This actually takes me back to something that Dr. Phil used to ask his guests back when his show first aired: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” — and because I personally think that it’s kind of immature to expect to be happy all of the time (does working out always make you happy? You still need to do it, right?), the word I would use in its place is HEALTHY: when it comes to the argument, debate or discussion that you’re having with your partner, do you ultimately want to be right or do you want the relationship to be healthy?
If the answer is “B,” this means that the goal needs to be that the two of you find a resolution over one of you merely winning — and a great definition for resolution is “a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem, controversy, etc.” A resolution is a solution andsolutions-oriented people? They are patient. They are creative. They are positive thinkers. They don’t choose to deflect, avoid accountability or make excuses or justifications.They are are flexible and adaptable too.
Because whether the conversation is about finances, household responsibilities or intimacy issues — at the end of the day, a solutions-oriented person doesn’t want to “win the conversation;” what they want, more than anything, is holistic and mutual peace…as soon as humanly possible too.
Don’t Say You’re Letting Go If You’re Not
If You Say You’re Going to Let It Go and Don’t…You Lied
GiphyListen, only a completely delusional individual thinks that relationships should never have conflict; of course, they will because we’re not toy soldiers, we are individuals. At the same time, they don’t have to be traumatic whenever they do go down.
Respect each other’s individuality. Be mutually committed to finding a resolve. Always prioritize peace above just about everything else — and you will be able to “relax, relate and release” in your home.
Yes, even after an argument, debate or discussion has transpired (and not five days later either…but we’ll deal with how to release a grudge at another time). Selah and amen.
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