OK, so here's a totally random yet pretty interesting question. The last time that you found yourself talking to someone on the phone and hearing yourself say, "Whew, I'm just so tired" or "I could really use some rest", did you ever take a moment to think what you actually meant by that? While on the surface, this might seem like a very "duh" inquiry, the reality is, when it comes to fatigue, as a wise person once said, chile, there are levels to this.
For example, two definitions of the word "rest" are "to refresh oneself, as by sleeping, lying down, or relaxing" and "to relieve weariness by cessation of exertion or labor". Then there's the phrase "at rest" which means "free from worry; tranquil". As if that's not enough to ponder, there are also all of the types of rest (as heard in this viral TED talk by Saundra Dalton-Smith) that your mind, body, soul—or perhaps all three—are longing for.
That last part? That is what I want to encourage you to take a couple of moments to really think deep and hard about today. As I go through 10 different types of rest that we all tend to need at various points and times in our lives, reflect on which one resonates with you the most, right at this very moment. Because there is no way that you can get fully refreshed and replenished unless you know what area of your life needs the rest…the most.
1. Physical Rest
Let's tackle what is probably the most obvious kind of rest that we find ourselves in need of—physical rest. Physical rest is all about getting 6-8 hours of sleep and/or slowing down because your body is physically drained. What are some clear indications that this is the type of rest that you actually need? On the sleep deprivation tip, if you are moody; you can't focus or concentrate; your libido is low; you are suddenly gaining weight; your memory is foggy or it seems like you're sick more than usual (due to a weakened immunity)—these are all indications that you are probably not getting as many hours of sleep as you should. But what if you are catching regular zzz's and you still feel sore, achy or just totally drained? That could mean that you are pushing your body too hard when you're working out or that you're simply not giving yourself time to just…chill.
If you can relate to any of this, the best thing that you can do is 1) make sleep a top priority and/or 2) take a couple of days to do nothing but just relax. Perhaps rather than a strenuous exercise routine, opt for some yoga or taking a stroll through your neighborhood. Also, a nice soak in the tub to soothe your muscles and joints couldn't hurt either. Bottom line, never feel like so much is going on that you can't afford to give yourself the physical rest that your body needs and, quite frankly, deserves. On the physical tip, rest is always paramount.
2. Mental Rest
OK, so how do you know when the rest that you actually need is not really physical but mental? That's a good question. Some clear indicators that a mental health day is in order is if you're anxious or worried to the point where you're not able to concentrate. Another indication that you might be in the need for a mental break is if you find yourself losing your temper a lot quicker than usual (yes, that means that you are being a pop-off) or, while you can't exactly put your finger on it, you feel disconnected from your life. What I mean by that is, things that typically matter a lot to you, right now, you don't too much care because you simply do not have the mental energy to hone in and focus.
If any of this resonates with you on some level, you're not going to do yourself (or anyone else) much good if you keep trying to push past your mental fatigue. One of the best things that you can do is A) take a day off so that you can rest and recharge and/or B) make an appointment with a therapist, counselor or life coach so that they can help you get to the root of what may be stressing you. Our minds are constantly working, so there are definitely times when it needs to get off of the roller coaster ride. If you are going through anything that I just shared, that is your cue to get some much-needed mental rest in.
3. Emotional Rest
A dictionary definition of emotion is a state of consciousness. If you were to look up the dictionary definition for the word "heart", one of the things it would say is "center of emotions". That's one of the reasons why I'm not a fan of "following your heart" (follow your emotions?! Emotions change all of the time; besides, the Bible speaks against following your heart as well—Jeremiah 17:9-10), yet I am a fan of the Scripture, "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23—AMPC) For the record, guarding your heart does not mean building a symbolic barbed-wire fence around it. Guarding your heart just means that you acknowledge that your emotions are a part of who you are and it's important to watch how people, places, things and ideas influence it.
So, how do you know if it is past time for you to get some emotional rest? If you're sadder than usual. If you are restless when you try to sleep. If you feel numb (you're not really up or down). If you feel hopeless, confused or frustrated but you can't pinpoint the cause of why you feel this way. If you lack any sense of motivation. While all of this could point signs to low-key depression, before speaking with a physician or therapist, try reading articles that include signs that you're a people-pleaser, a love addict, you need to set better boundaries, or you're someone who is always preparing a man for another relationship and the pattern is devastating you. If any of this resonates with you, do some journaling in order to gain some clarity. Also, make sure to really listen to how you're feeling about the things that you are discovering about the root cause of your emotional discomfort.
While again, I'm not a "follow your heart" kind of person, I do believe that our feelings are emotional thermometers in the sense that they alert us to what we want, need or lack. As you discover more of what those things may be, express it to those you hold dear. Oftentimes, a person who needs emotional rest is simply someone who needs to be loved on a little bit more; they need a moment to receive some of what they so willingly give.
4. Spiritual Rest
I was born into a faith that observes the Seventh-Day Sabbath (I talk about it more in the article, "What To Do When You Don't Know How To Chill Out"). This means that from Friday at sunset thru Saturday at sunset, I'm chillin'. My friends know that unless it's an emergency, I preferred not to be called on the phone, I have no plans for when I'll get out of bed and, I do no work and, a lot of the focus is my own spiritual health and well-being. I think about things that I can do to better my spirit, how I can be more giving to humanity and I ponder the areas where I could stand to evolve in my relationship with the Most High. While I am no longer a part of the denomination that introduced me to the gift of sabbath-keeping, it is one thing that I am truly thankful for and will honor for the rest of my life. There really is nothing like taking out a day, every week, to focus on how to spiritually grow and mature.
For those of you who consider Sunday to be your day of rest, I have a question for you about that—how much rest do you actually get? Waking up early to go to church, only to come home and eat and get ready for another Monday…that doesn't sound much like resting to me. Listen, this isn't about getting into the theological and Scriptural reasons why the Sabbath is still relevant, even now. I just want to encourage you to ask yourself if spiritual rest is even on your radar; if you really do set aside regular time for prayer, meditation and getting closer to your Creator. The reason why I wrote articles for the site like, "Here's Exactly How To Start Protecting Your Spirit", "I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul" and "What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?" is because, well, it's like a wise person once said, "You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." Since your soul is the essence of your being, if you don't make time to nurture it, you're gonna struggle with fully being at rest with the rest of who you are.
5. Social Rest
This kind of rest is something that introverts and ambiverts tend to get on a pretty consistent basis. But if you're someone who gets a lot of your energy from being around other people (which is a surface-level definition of what it means to be an extrovert), this particular point is especially for you. People are great and none of us were designed to be an island. But if you find yourself in a space where you feel like you can't even hear your own thoughts, "thanks" to the constant chatter, advice and perspectives of others, that is a telling sign that you need some social rest. Another clear indicator is, whether you are an extrovert, introvert or ambivert, you are always esteemed as being "the strong one" (you might wanna read "Check In On Your Strong Friend: 4 Signs Your Friend Is Going Through Depression") in your relationships.
If you can relate to these points, social rest is about putting your phone on silent, not hanging out with your peeps and really just enjoying some time by yourself. It could be for a day, a weekend or even a couple of weeks. Social rest isn't about ostracizing yourself. It's about taking a moment to love on yourself, rejuvenate yourself and enjoy your own company without an audience. Everyone deserves that. No matter how "typically outgoing" they might be.
6. Financial Rest
Not too long ago, I read a survey that said as much as 72 percent of Americans find themselves to be stressed out over money. What's really a trip about that is, it's a study that took place back in 2014. Can you imagine how folks are feeling in 2020 amidst this pandemic? Lord have mercy—literally.
So, how in the world can you get financial rest? There are a couple of angles that you can take. Something that I've been getting into the habit of doing more and more is paying bills ahead of their due date. Sometimes, even when it's something as simple as my car insurance or water bill, there is nothing like the sigh of relief that comes over me when the bill pops up in the mail (or my email) and I see a credit listed. Something else that can help you to become financially "free from worry" is to downsize a bit.
Do you need cable? Does your cell phone plan have more features than are actually necessary? How often are you gonna wear those new pair of shoes that you've been eyeing? Putting yourself into the position of having more money in your savings account than items all over your home can give you a sense of financial rest that you never knew you needed.
7. Creative Rest
While I get that not everyone falls into the classic definition of being a creative, at the same time, I wholeheartedly believe that since we are all made in the image of the Creator, we all are capable of creating on some level. Our approach to our career path might be innovative. How we love others might be super original. If you conceived and birthed a child, you are sho 'nuf creative. And, if you're someone who knows that you are in your purpose and fulfilling your true calling, that is another indication of how you are living out your best life creatively. That said, creating can take a lot out of a person. In fact, that's why I wrote the article, "How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'" once upon a time.
Listen, I'll be the first one to raise my hand in this class and say that, when you know that you are actively doing what you were sent here to do (this includes knowing that you are loving who you were made to love because love is at the core of creativity), it can be hard to "get off of the clock"—that doesn't mean it isn't necessary, though. Creative rest includes taking vacations (whether that's alone, with your significant other or even just spending a weekend away from your kids every once in a while). It means intentionally setting aside time to NOT work on that manuscript, record that album, design that outfit, cultivate that company or whatever other idea that has you so excited (and perhaps even consumed).
Remember what I said about the Seventh-Day Sabbath earlier? Another reason why I am a Sabbath observer is because, according to the Bible, God rested on the Sabbath Day (Genesis 2:1-3). Since the Master Creator takes moments when He looks at all He's done, calls it good and then rests, as one of His very creations, who am I not to take His lead and do the same? Your creations will wait on their creator to tell them what to do (or do next). Step away from them from time to time so that you can give your all and best to them.
8. Electronic Rest
What in the world is "electronic rest"? Anything that requires a plug (or battery) in order for you to use it, sometimes you need to go without those items, whether it's your smartphone, your laptop, your television or anything else that's electronic. The reality is there really is such a thing as sensory overload because electronic devices provide us with constant information, sometimes to the point where we end up feeling totally overwhelmed. For instance, have you ever wondered if you're a social media addict? Some indications that you very well may be is if you are unable to complete other tasks because you're constantly checking your social media accounts; you can't imagine going one day without turning your notifications off; you are consumed with how many likes or comments you get on your posts; you freak out when your favorite platform goes down; you are overly preoccupied with criticism or praise and/or you refuse to turn off your phone before retiring at night.
When I wrote the article, "8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.", some points that I mentioned include the fact that always looking at devices can affect your vision, your level of calm and even the quality of your relationships (I know a spouse who, because of their cell phone addiction, they are having less sex with their partner because they are on their phone all hours of the night). If you just read any of this and felt like I was talking to you directly, do your entire self a favor and take a social media break. While you're at it, how about reading a book instead of watching anything on the tube? And as much as you may dig music (same here), try going without that (including in your car) for 24-48 hours as well. Sometimes the best thing that we can do for ourselves is embrace silence and what it brings to us. In order to do that, all of the plugged-in-background-noise has to go.
9. Sensual Rest
If you're an unmarried person reading this, I already know that most people aren't gonna be abstinent for as long as I've been (which is going on 14 years now). But if you happen to be someone who reads articles on our site like, "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner" and you're totally shaking your head because, words cannot express, just how much you can relate, or you checked out "These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom" before and you get it in theory but you never really hit the mark of establishing the kind of sexual boundaries that you need, a season of abstinence might be exactly what the doctor ordered.
It wasn't until I scaled back from my sexual partners (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners") that I was able to see the patterns that I had set and why I was oftentimes totally depleted in my relationships or situationships. It was my long season of abstinence that has helped me to gain a greater sense of self-confidence and clarity about what I want, need and deserve beyond a great sex partner. I doubt I would've gotten to that place without, well…going without.
While we're here, I must say that sex in marriage is of the utmost importance (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do" and "10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life"). I will add that if you are currently in a sexless marriage, unless you're physically unable to connect in this way, it's usually a flag that something is very awry in your relationship. Still, there are seasons of sex that most couples go through. If you find that you and your partner don't seem to connect well other than in the bedroom (also check out "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"), it could mean that one or both of you are relying on sex to mask other issues. This means you're abusing sex on some level and taking some time to do things like sex journal, date and emotionally connect can help you to repair the areas where you're weary and currently struggling. That way, once you do come back together on a sexual/sensual level, the sex can be even better than it was before!
10. “Being” Rest
And finally, what the heck is "being rest"? Someone once said that we are not humans "doing", we are humans being. If there is one thing that 2020 has done, it has revealed what humanity is truly capable of, both good and bad. Taking all of that in can be overwhelming. So, when I say that sometimes, it's cool to get some "human being rest"—remove yourself from the guilt of not being able to solve everyone's problems, fund all of humanity's crises or do more than what you are literally capable of. It's OK—encouraged even—to tell yourself sometimes, "I did the best that I can with what I've got. What I can't control, I won't even try to do" and then having a glass of wine while watching the sunset. Honestly, if you work to perfect this kind of rest, all of the others will automatically follow suit because being rest is about knowing your limits and not pushing past them. Rest well, sis.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
When Megan Thee Stallion dropped “Hiss,” a shift happened. From the audacious lyrics to the striking visuals, there was no doubt that the song and video would go viral. The opening of the video shows the H-town hottie rocking a barely there Shibari red dress, showing off her voluptuous frame. It was a sexy moment created by Timeekah Murphy of Alani Taylor. The designer exclusively tells us how the opportunity came about and what it was like seeing her design on Megan for the first time.
xoNecole: How did the opportunity to create such an iconic look for Megan Thee Stallion's "Hiss" video come about?
Timeekah Murphy: The opportunity came from a DM from celebrity stylist Zerina Akers. She asked for a unique Shibari piece for Megan, and I needed to get it done in two days. So, of course, I did everything in my power to make it happen. I've always wanted to design for Megan, so this was an awesome opportunity for me.
xoN: What was that initial feeling of seeing the dress on her for the first time?
TM: I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her.
xoN: Did you meet her? If so, how was that moment?
TM: I didn't meet Megan during the shoot, but during my time in LA, I got the opportunity to meet her at LA Pride with Tiffany Haddish, Common, and EJ King (stylist). Megan is such an amazing person, so it made it even better to know that my designs were going to be worn by her. I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her.
"I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her."
xoN: Walk us through the creation of the dress. How did you come up with the look, and how long did it take to make it?
TM: I was the co-designer for a brand called Deviant in 2018-2020, and we used to make custom Shibari pieces. That's how Zerina knew me. So I'm very familiar with making these types of pieces. We made plenty for Beyoncé, Cardi B, Tiffany Haddish, Tyra Banks, and so many others. So Zerina knew exactly what she wanted.
To get it done, it took me a day and a half. It's very intricate and time-consuming, so I spent about six hours making it then I sent an image of it to Zerina, and she didn't approve the first one, so I had to start from scratch again after getting my guidance and understanding of what was needed. The next day, I went to The Lab and created another version, and she approved it. I had to get it shipped overnight so that she would get it in time and fast forward to seeing it on the big screen.
xoN: What's next for you?
TM: Everything. The sky is not my limit, so the Alani Taylor brand is expanding into so many different avenues. We are getting involved in the community more, offering sewing classes to the youth. I've opened up a store for my brand in Atlanta and now preparing for fall/winter Fashion Week.
Megan Thee Stallion "Hiss" video/ YouTube
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Whoever coined the phrase, “If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it,” certainly was not referring to the state of our dating scene. Whether online or in real life, you don't have to go far to hear the grievances of singles calling for the immediate repair of all leaks, cracks, and fractures in the dating pool.
No matter the state you live in, your age, how much you earn for a living, or if you’re a chronic app dater, there’s a general consensus that something (anything) must be done to restore the hope of singles looking for long-term, fulfilling relationships. And as many of us hold on to the hope for an unexpected cross-encounter with our next love story, others are leaning on the side of giving up completely. But before throwing in the towel, it might be time to make a few adjustments.
Dating Apps Are In Their Flop Era, Making Connections IRL Is Where It's At
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Many singles agree that spending their leisure time swiping through dating apps is out. What’s in is stepping out of one's comfort zone to make connections in the real world. Scary. We know. But unless you were one of the lucky few to find love on dating apps before its flop era or made a love connection from home during the pandemic, going about your dating life the same way is bound to render the same results: being single with a headache. And we want better for you.
It’s safe to say that constantly meeting strangers off the internet for a chance to find love has lost its charm, leaving singles open to the train, farmer’s market, the gym, or a friend’s house party to be prime real estate for matching up with potential partners.
This shift, as Marissa Nelson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and BLK’s Relationship and Intimacy Expert tells xoNecole, is due in part to a growing concern about the authenticity of online profiles — in other words: is what you’re seeing, in fact, what you’re getting? “From their profile picture, what they say they do, the height they say they are; it’s this fear of, ‘Am I really talking to who I think I'm speaking to?'” she explains.
On our journey to finding “the one” out in the real world, a common question is, “Where do you find the available singles?” The short answer is, everywhere. The long answer is at the grocery store, on a plane, during happy hours, at work, at a conference, on a solo vacation, or, as Nelson puts it, anywhere you are showing up as your most open and vulnerable self.
“You never know where the connection is going to come from, which is why it's even more important to be receptive, to stay open, be curious, and lean into your vulnerability,” she says. In fact, Nelson encourages singles to release themselves of the rigidity around finding the perfect person at the “perfect” place, because, in essence, there isn’t one. “We have to let go of the constraints that we can only go to singles events to meet people,” she says. “We have to be open to however love shows up.”
"We have to let go of the constraints that we can only go to singles events to meet people. We have to be open to however love shows up."
We all can relate to the fact that the idea of shooting our shot in real life is a lot more exciting than the actual act. The relationship expert explains that one of the greatest hesitations to us putting ourselves out there and taking a chance on love is rooted in the fear of rejection. However, it’s important to keep in mind that “we’ve all been hurt” and most importantly, “we’re all afraid of rejection.”
That’s why Nelson suggests the following strategies to make the first move and find love in your everyday life.
1. Don't close yourself off.
“When you relax your expectations, you start to meet really cool people. Some of those cool people became friends and that makes your life richer because now, you have new friends and great people to hang out with. Even if it wasn't a love match, it can become a significant or meaningful friendship.”
2. Don't let your "type" hold you back.
“We all have a type. And a lot of women will say, ‘I like them tall. I like them like this or that.’ When we’re rigid about who we believe we ought to be with versus being open to people who might be more aligned with our values, we close ourselves off. Sure, you're not going to date somebody that you are absolutely not attracted to. But people have a lot of unwritten rules around who they will allow themselves to get to know, and I challenge people to challenge their rules because that can hold you back from expansive experiences.”
3. Make the first move.
“I think that if we can be bold, be brave, and if there's somebody that's good-looking, catches your eye, or just seems like they have a good vibe, we can approach them with curiosity. Ask them how they're doing. Introduce yourself. It doesn't have to lead to all these things; you can just have chemistry and flow from there.”
4. Ask better questions.
“When you meet someone for the first time, asking them ‘What do you do?’ is not the best first question because that only tells you what they do for money, not necessarily what they're passionate about. To get insight into who that person truly is, ask: What are you passionate about in your life right now? What lights you up? What excites you? What are you working towards?”
5. Shift your mindset.
“We've all been hurt. And we can be guarded because we don't want to get hurt again. The brain is a very complex and brilliant system designed to keep us safe, and emotional survival is a real thing. We become super protective, and in that, we come up with a lot of different rules, paradigms, [and] belief systems. The biggest mindset shift is: how can we do our own work to know and believe that we are worthy and deserving of love.”
Whether you’re on a dating app or roaming your local Trader Joe’s, love is everywhere — and the abundance of love is available to us once we remove limiting beliefs that make it feel scarce and out of reach. Vulnerability, shedding our walls, and openness just might be the tweaks we need to snitch up the dating streets and watch it heal for the better.
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