October is a month of balance. With some energy moving direct and some energy moving retrograde, there is a middle ground to find this month between what is unfolding and what you are letting go. The month begins with Mercury officially moving out of retrograde and going direct in Virgo. Mercury this month is cleaning house and sprucing things up after the somewhat tyrant energy it’s brought over the past few weeks. Now that Mercury is direct, there is less interruption when it comes to daily flow and plans, and this is a good month to start setting things into motion.
On October 9th, there is a Full Moon in Aries, which is the Hunter’s Moon of the year. This Full Moon is cleaning what is in the way towards your direction and positive movement forward and is a time of building momentum. The Moon in Aries is feisty, and this is a passionate Full Moon. Both Pluto and Saturn go direct this month after being retrograde for the past few months. Pluto will be direct in Capricorn on October 8th and Saturn goes direct in Aquarius on October 23rd, what this means for the collective is fewer power struggles and more opportunities to come together.
Toward the end of the month, there is a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening in Scorpio on October 25th, and it’s as magical as it sounds. This Solar Eclipse is a time of emotional rejuvenation and transformation, and new doors are opening. Jupiter retrograde in Aries moves into Pisces on October 28th and is taking some heat off fire and air signs, and impacting water and earth signs more now. Jupiter retrograde in Pisces asks you to check in with your modes of healing, spirituality, and emotional regulation and to make sure your beliefs are stronger than your doubts.
As the month comes to an end, the infamous Mars in Gemini transit makes some moves and goes retrograde from October 30th until January 12, 2023. Mars retrograde in Gemini is wildcard energy and it’s best to remain flexible with what’s occurring at this time. Things are up in the air and Mars is giving you the clarity on what to grab ahold of or where to redirect your energy. October is a time of new beginnings and a change of pace.
Aries Horoscope for October 2022
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleYou are reaching a pinnacle of achievement this month, Aries. October is a month of evolution as you move into the next chapter in your life. You have been through a time of growth and have turned your challenges into stepping stones to your success. With Jupiter retrograde moving out of your sign this month, you are getting a weight lifted off your shoulders and a helping hand when you least expect it.
The Full Moon happening this month will be in your sign on October 9th. This Full Moon is a time of re-energizing your spirit, and renewal. Take some time for yourself this day, relax, and gather your strength. You deserve a moment to just be and breathe before you walk into the new doors that are opening for you now. This month is all about living in your empowerment and aligning with your synergy, Aries.
Taurus Horoscope for October 2022
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is all about getting out of your head and into the moment, Taurus. Your guidance for the month is to focus on the bigger picture, connect with the heart spaces, and take note of the gifts in your world. You are solving some puzzles in your life this month and coming to your own conclusions rather than letting anyone else form them for you. This is a month of learning more about where you stand and where you want to continue to plant your roots.
There is a New Moon Solar Eclipse happening in your opposite sign Scorpio before the month ends and this is an awakening time for you in love. You are gaining clarity on how your heart is expanding right now, by the reflection you are seeing in others. There is playfulness, love, and connection that wants to come into your life more this month but it’s all about perspective and seeing the opportunities in your life.
Gemini Horoscope for October 2022
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is all about reclaiming your power, Gemini. This month you are being reminded of the power you hold as a creator in your life, and that the value you hold for yourself, sends out energy externally. Use your time and energy wisely, and remember that you always deserve a seat at the table. With your ruling planet Mercury moving direct at the start of the month, you are moving through October with new experiences and wisdom unfolding for you.
Saturn officially moves direct on the 23rd the same day Scorpio Season begins, and travel plans, opportunities for adventure, and aligning with the higher self are all coming through for you. Mars in Gemini makes its significant transit at the end of the month and goes retrograde in your sign on October 30th until January 12, 2023, and you are entering a major growth spurt of learning more about yourself, your goals, and the direction you are headed right now.
Cancer Horoscope for October 2022
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThings are moving full speed ahead for you this month, Cancer. October is a month of opportunities for you, and you have the Midas Touch right now. This is the month to fuel your spirit, and to follow through on some dreams you have been looking to come to fruition. With Mercury officially moving out of retrograde at the beginning of the month, you are able to get the message across right now and are putting your best foot forward this month.
There is a Solar Eclipse happening in your fellow water sign, Scorpio, on the 25th, and this Solar Eclipse is opening up a new chapter in your life when it comes to your happiness. This Eclipse is here to highlight where your heart is, what is making you happy, and where you truly feel free in your life. With Jupiter retrograde moving into Pisces a few days later and into your 9th house of adventure, you are being guided to be flexible this month and remain open to the possibilities you encounter.
Leo Horoscope for October 2022
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a month of rejuvenation for you, Leo. After somewhat of a chaotic past few months, the fog is clearing and you are seeing things in a new light. This month is a time of being recognized for the beauty and creativity you inspire in this world and it’s about allowing yourself to receive love right now. You have given so much to others recently and this is beautiful, but this month you are being reminded to allow others to share that love with you as well.
The New Moon Solar Eclipse this month is happening in your 4th house of home, family, and foundations, and you are seeing breakthroughs here. Over the next six months, you are going to be entering a new stage of your life when it comes to those closest to your heart, and the places that make you feel at home. By the end of the month, Jupiter retrograde enters Pisces, and you are leaving the month thinking about the commitments that are being formed in your life at this time.
Virgo Horoscope for October 2022
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVirgo, this month is all about flying high and being the leader of your life. You are rising above any previous chaos or challenges that Mercury retrograde has brought into your life, and experiencing a new sense of freedom this month. With Mercury going direct on October 2nd and being direct in your sign until October 10th, you are entering the month seeing things come full circle and a positive change of pace in your life. There are less roadblocks on your journey moving forward, and things are flowing your way.
With the energy moving into Scorpio towards the second half of the month and the attention moving towards your house of communication, self-expression is key in October. This month you are getting the messages and answers you have been looking for, and it’s making it easier to communicate and express yourself. New connections are coming into your life this month, and these are situations you have been hoping for. Remember that you deserve to take up space this month, Virgo.
Libra Horoscope for October 2022
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleYour season is here, beautiful Libra, and this is your time! Libra Season is in full swing as you enter October, and with Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month after being retrograde in your sign and in Virgo, you out of most really benefit from this change of pace. The mind is clearing, opportunities are popping up, and plans are falling into place. There have been some adjustments and reworking in your life, but this month you are seeing how your plans and intentions have worked out for the best for everyone involved.
The Full Moon this month is happening in your opposite sign, Aries, on October 9th, and will be highlighting your 7th house of love. You are closing one chapter in this area of your life during the Full Moon, and preparing for the new. As you have been regrouping and gathering your strength, in mid-October you are ready to let go of anything holding you back from truly experiencing partnership, unconditional love, and everything you need in a relationship, and you are making space for new experiences in love.
Scorpio Horoscope for October 2022
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is all about balance for you, Scorpio. You have been learning a lot about perspective this year and how one thought can change things for you both positively and negatively, and this month you are experiencing the final lessons of this chapter. This is a month of being a master of your reality and creating the circumstances you want for yourself. There is a divine coming together happening in October, and there is a lot of beauty and magic to enjoy in your life this month as the energy moves into your sign.
Venus enters your sign and Scorpio Season also begins on the same day, on October 23rd. With the Sun and Venus coming together and shining just for you, you have a lot of love coming your way this month and you have taken the time over the past few months to clear your energy, making space to receive this love and empowerment in your life. Before the month ends there is a New Moon Solar Eclipse in your sign on October 28th, and you are experiencing major breakthroughs and epiphanies in your life.
Sagittarius Horoscope for October 2022
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is bringing a windfall of blessings into your life, Sagittarius. October is a special month for you as the intentions you have been setting come to fruition in your life and you gain a new sense of stability. One door opening is leading to many other positive experiences for you, and the more you keep up this energy in your life and believe you are worthy of this good, the more it can enter.
With Saturn officially going direct this month after being retrograde in the area of your life having to do with home and family over the past few months, you are finally getting the opportunities to ground your energy and spend peaceful time in your safe spaces. Find your center, and remember to reach out to others when you need to. At the end of the month, we have a New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 25th, and this time for you is all about healing, finding the middle ground, and releasing what doesn’t serve you in this next phase of life.
Capricorn Horoscope for October 2022
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a new beginning for you, Capricorn. You are at the beginning stages of some important chapters of your life, and this month is an opening to those experiences. Over the past few months with your ruling planet Saturn in retrograde, you have been cracked open and awakening to something beautiful. The vulnerability and grace you have shown yourself even through times when it was hard to see the light, is commendable.
Pluto has been retrograde in your sign since April 29th and finally goes direct this month on October 8th. You are going through the stages of rebirth as you get out of your shell more this month, and let the world see the growth you have been through. Instead of looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, you realized you were the light yourself, and October is about shining that light, Capricorn.
Aquarius Horoscope for October 2022
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month you are being guided to breathe, and take it one day at a time, Aquarius. This is a month of divine intervention, and situations are moving around to create a better circumstance for yourself. With Saturn moving Retrograde in your sign over the past few months, you’ve gotten a look at things from a higher perspective. Some adjustments and rebuilding were necessary, but you were able to live your life on your own terms rather than according to anyone else’s plan.
October is a month all about being the creator of your life and rewriting your story. With Saturn officially moving out of retrograde and going direct in Aquarius on October 23rd, you get to enjoy the benefits of task-master Saturn for the rest of the year, and there is a sense of achievement and empowerment with you moving forward. Use this month to finalize plans, tie up any loose ends, and get things sorted out.
Pisces Horoscope for October 2022
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a time of paving new paths for yourself in life, Pisces. With all of the activity going on in the sky this month, you are finding your way. Mercury retrograde officially goes direct at the beginning of the month, and you get a breath of fresh air in regards to love. Relationship matters start to move more smoothly over the month after a time of Mercury retrograde helping you gain the full picture here.
With a New Moon Solar Eclipse in fellow water sign Scorpio happening this month, you are seeing some massive changes in your life as you move more into the month. The Solar Eclipse happening in October will be moving through your 9th house of adventure and some big plans and intentions you have set for the year are being seen through at this time. Your guidance for the month is to stay focused on what you are creating, and believe in yourself.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
- Mercury Retrograde September 2022 All Zodiac Signs - xoNecole ... ›
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- Your 2022 Love Forecast According To Your Zodiac - xoNecole ... ›
Tayler Barakat is a Mystic who has studied Astrology for over a decade. She does intuitive astrology and tarot readings for people all over the world, and her work focuses on healing and empowering individuals. Follow her on Instagram @taylerbarakat_ and check out her website www.listentothevirgo.com.
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
So…apparently, there was once a Parade survey of 1,001 married Americans concerning sex.
Surprisingly (at least, to me), 88 percent of them said that their sex lives made them happy or they were at least “reasonably content” with it. The reason why that surprises me is because 1) I’m aware that somewhere around 15 percent of marriages are currently sexless; 2) only about half of people have sex on a weekly basis, and 3) if that many folks are indeed that satisfied in the bedroom, why do so many of us who work with long-term couples always hear otherwise?
Then, I paused and pondered on the “reasonably content” part. I don’t know about you, but to me, that doesn’t sound like hanging-off-of-the-chandeliers kind of sex. That’s more like, “I’ll take it however and whenever I can get it” sex — and, in my eyes, that’s just not good enough. To me, sex is a beautifully wondrous thing that should reach the peak of pleasure as much as possible.
Fortunately, I do know a few couples who profess to have great (awesome, fabulous, and tremendous) sex pretty much every time that they have it. Even though most of them aren’t familiar with each other, interestingly enough, they all agree that while skill and technique play a role in amazing coitus, there are other factors that can prevent great sex from transpiring, too.
I did some researching, interviewing, and reviewing of past sessions that I’ve had with couples, and here are the 10 things that continue to come up, as far as being barriers to the kind of sex that every single person deserves — sex that doesn’t just leave you feeling “reasonably content” (goodness, let’s raise that bar, please).
1. You’re Not the Best of Friends
GiphyBefore getting into this one, let me just say that I’m not referring to a “friends with benefits” dynamic. Although some of those do end up transitioning from being sex buddies to a full-blown relationship, some studies say that only about 15 percent of them do, and that’s not the greatest odds on the planet (for the record, around 28 percent are able to go back to being just friends as well).
No, what I’m referring to here is it’s wise to experience physical intimacy with someone who has the qualities of being one of your absolute closest friends: they’re honest, supportive, compassionate, loyal, communicate well, and they definitely are someone who you consider to be a safe space. When you’re in a relationship with someone who you also consider to be one of your dearest (if not dearest) friends, there is an incomparable level of trust and peace that makes intimacy that much easier — and special.
2. You Need to Get a Check-Up
GiphyIf you were to ask a group of people if they should get an annual check-up, they would probably say “yes.” Hmph, problem is, only about one-fifth of us actually do it, and when it comes to our libidos, that can be (potentially) problematic as hell. The reason why I say that is sometimes “not being in the mood” has very little to do with anything emotional, psychological, or relational; it’s actually a result of not taking the best care of your health.
Things like obesity, hormonal imbalances (including perimenopause and menopause), certain medications, stress, and good old-fashioned aging can be the underlying culprits, and if that is indeed the issue, as much as you might think that Google can cure everything, you actually need a medical professional to confirm what is going on — and what you need to do in order to rectify the situation.
3. You’re Not Affirming and Affectionate on a Daily Basis
GiphyQuestion: When was the last time that you gave your partner a sincere compliment? Believe it or not, there are studies that support the fact that complimenting others not only boosts their self-esteem and confidence levels but it also creates an atmosphere for clearer communication while motivating and causing the individual on the receiving end to feel valued. Not only that, but the person who gives the compliments ends up feeling happier and more grateful, too.
As far as affection goes, aside from the fact that it helps you to feel emotionally closer to your partner, there are health benefits to consider as well. Kissing, cuddling, and even holding hands can help to decrease stress levels, lower blood pressure, and even strengthen your immune system. The way I like to look at this is affirmations are a verbal form of foreplay, while affection is a PG version of it — and when it comes to experiencing great sex, foreplay should always be in the mix.
4. You Don’t Plan Dates (and Then Actually Go on Them)
GiphyI’ve got a girlfriend who’s been married for several decades and hardly ever gets taken out on dates by her husband. In his mind, it’s kind of a waste of money; he’d rather be a “great provider” than a romantic kind of dude. Problem is, her top love language is quality time, and so, not dating frustrates her more than most. You know what, though? Their story isn’t rare. In fact, some studies indicate that over half of the married couples in this country never go out on dates. SMDH.
There are dozens of reasons why this is not a good idea as far as “divorce-proofing” your marriage goes; however, since this article is about sex, specifically, quality time strengthens emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy improves the quality of one’s sex life. So, if you’re in a long-term relationship, your sex life is ho-hum, and you can’t remember the last time you and your partner actually went out together — perhaps it’s time to connect those dots.
5. Your Relationship Is Not Your Top Priority
GiphyIf I had to choose one main issue that keeps me in business (as far as marriage life coaching is concerned), it’s that one or both spouses in a marriage “forget” (I put that in quotes because sometimes they literally forget and sometimes it’s more of a passive-aggressive choice) to make their partner their very top priority (under God, that is). When it comes to this particular topic, a priority is defined as being “the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence” and when you say “I do” to someone, that is a part of what you are publicly declaring — that they are going to take precedence over everyone else in your world.
And what are some indications that your partner is your top priority? You are proactive rather than reactive when it comes to their needs. You are quick to want to resolve problems while being slow to create them. You consistently want them to feel heard, validated, and safe. You make them aware that they are a part of both your short and long-term plans. Empathy is a foundational part of the relationship. And honey, when two people do this for each other outside of the bedroom, how can there not be fireworks inside of it? Straight up.
6. Your Kids Are Taking Over
GiphyI always find it interesting whenever people get triggered by my saying that children should never come before marriage. For one thing, the marriage existed first. Secondly, kids aren’t adults; they don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to find balance in their needs or demands; adults need to be the ones to regulate both. And third, have you read how divorce affects/impacts kids even well into their adulthood?
At the end of the day, children want happy parents and there’s a greater chance that will happen when husbands and wives put their relationship first. Unfortunately, even with all of the data that supports my points, a lot of people still let their kids take over their entire lives — including their bedroom and that can lead to, not only a “less than” sex life but a completely ruined one, if you’re not careful.
That’s why I think it’s important for parents to read articles like HuffPost’s “We Decided To Tell Our Kids When We’re Having Sex. Here’s Why — And What Happened After.” and also ones that I’ve penned for the platform like, “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex,” “How To Make Sex Easier (& More Fun) When You've Got Kids” and even “10 New Moms Share What They Wish They Knew About Sex Post-Delivery.” The takeaway here is kids are to be a part of your life — not all of it.
7. The Chemistry Is Off
GiphyChemistry is an interesting thing because, although it is pretty necessary when it comes to having a fulfilling sex life, science is still trying to figure out just how to narrow it down. According to a particular article that I read, a featured sex therapist said that sexual chemistry is a combination of attraction, hormones, and even a combination of pleasant memories and/or nostalgia. Another article said that the level of brain chemicals like dopamine and norepinephrine that naturally arise when we’re around certain people (vs. others) cannot be underestimated either.
To me, when it comes to (sexual) chemistry, I think my biggest takeaway is if there is something that you can’t really fake, that would be it, and so, while you shouldn’t rely on chemistry alone when it comes to cultivating a healthy and long-lasting relationship, if, after about three dates or so, there is no “spark,” don’t play that down. Sex is an essential part of a committed relationship, which means that chemistry, on some level, absolutely needs to be present and accounted for.
8. There Is Sexual Frustration
GiphyWhenever I hear someone say, “I’m not angry; I’m frustrated,” I always appreciate that level of self-awareness because being frustrated isn’t about being resentful so much as it’s about being disappointed — and sexual disappointment can happen in a billion different ways. Maybe the quality of sex has decreased. Perhaps you’re not having as much sex as you would like. Could it be that you want more spontaneity or romance, and your partner rarely, if ever, seems to rise to the occasion? Or shoot, maybe your sexual wants and needs have changed, and your partner doesn’t want to make the necessary adjustments.
A part of the reason why I’ve penned articles for the platform like “7 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner Before Giving Them Some” and “9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.” is because the only way that you can ensure that your partner is truly satisfied as far as sex goes is if you ask. When it comes to great sex, there is no room for ego, assumptions, or taking the “if it always worked, it still should” approach. People who move like that? One way or another, they are going to disappoint their bae as far as sexual satisfaction goes (whether their bae actually tells them that or just…fakes through it instead).
9. Or Sexual Repression
GiphyOn the heels of the last point, one of the reasons why sex is considered to be an ultimate form of communication is that when it’s good — and I mean, really, really good — all five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch, and sound) are involved (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”). Another reason is that when you can trust your partner to share your deepest sexual desires and perhaps even a sex-themed bucket list or entries from your sex journal, that can open the door to all types of sexual pleasure…and close the door to what’s known as sexual repression.
Probably the easiest way to define sexual repression is it’s what happens whenever you’re holding back feelings and longings as far as sex is concerned. There are several things that can cause this to transpire. It could be fear of rejection, suppressed childhood or religion-related issues, guilt or shame surrounding certain sex acts, or even physical pain during sex.
For instance, I know a wife who was raped in college and never told her husband. For years, they had sex-related issues because it’s almost as if she was stoic during the act, which led him to not find sex enjoyable at all because he felt like he was unwanted. I also know a wife who, because she is a first lady (you know, a pastor’s wife), has suppressed a lot of her sexual fantasies because she’s afraid that her husband will find them to be “inappropriate.”
In both of these instances, a sex therapist could do a lot of good (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”) because they are professionally trained to deal with all levels of sexual repression — something that is very real, even if it’s not openly discussed very often.
10. Orgasms Consume You
GiphyDo you need to experience orgasms in order to have good sex? No. You don’t. Can it be magnificent whenever you experience them, though? Of course. That said, when it comes to having great sex, although orgasms are literally defined as being the peak of sexual arousal, it is important to take the pressure off of both you and your partner. Contrary to whatever you’ve heard (or told yourself), sex can be pleasurable whether you reach a climax or not, together or not.
However, if you want to have more orgasms, don’t make them the goal so much as heightening your intimacy, taking your time, relishing in each other’s erogenous zones, doing some dirty talking, and being in the moment. When you’re “great” at these things, one way or another, great sex — and possibly a few orgasms along the way — is sure to follow. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy