

Fall is officially here to restore the balance between night and day as well as our relationships with much of the energy focused on Libra.
Power struggles within our connections, and even within ourselves, will be eased as Pluto goes direct, assisting us in harmonizing our lives. As we move along into the month, the focus shifts to matters of intimacy, healing, and psychological rebirth as more of the inner planets transit through Scorpio.
Check out your horoscope below to see what October has in store for you.
Aries
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The Sun spends most of the month in your opposite sign, Libra, encouraging you to balance out your relationships and revise any contractual agreements. On the 3rd, Pluto goes direct, helping you get more clear about how to wield your authority, particularly within the workplace. This is a good time to put the lessons you've been learning about authentic power into practice. Mercury moves into Scorpio the same day and you're yearning for more deep interactions during this transit. Topics ranging from psychology, healing, and even the occult will pique your interest during this transit. Your ruling planet, Mars, moves into Libra on the 4th, inviting you to take a win-win approach when it comes to your key connections.
On the 8th, Venus moves into sultry Scorpio and love matters get even more intimate for you with a little sexual healing on the top of your to-do list. Your Full Moon takes place on the 13th, illuminating parts of your identity that you no longer resonate with. Just like the leaves fall from the trees during Autumn, you're shedding old layers of yourself to make space for the new. On the 23rd, the Sun moves into Scorpio with a New Moon following shortly behind, initiating you into a deeply transformative time that will give birth to a more healed, whole, and integrated version of yourself. The month winds down with Mercury going retrograde on Halloween, giving you a chance to revisit an important conversation you had earlier this month or to delve even deeper into your psychological metamorphosis.
Taurus
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Most of October has you focused on getting more organized in your daily routine and enhancing your health while the Sun transits through Libra. On the 3rd, Pluto goes direct in Capricorn, giving you the opportunity to share your personal experiences to benefit the growth of others; keep in mind that with great power comes great responsibility. On the same day, Mercury moves into your opposite sign and your conversations with others take on more depth than usual. Mars moves into Libra on the 4th, giving you even more energy to get back into your fitness regimen.
Venus, your ruling planet, moves into sexy Scorpio on the 8th, setting you up for an erotic exchange with your lover. Be careful of mixing business with pleasure during this transit. On the 13th, the Full Moon in Aries gives you the push to clean out karmic residue lingering in your life. On the 23rd, the Sun moves into Scorpio followed by a New Moon, which has the potential to bring a new connection, romantic or professional, in your life that has more lasting potential. This is also a good time to take your existing relationship even deeper. October winds down with Mercury going retrograde on the 31st giving you a chance to work out any kinks in the contracts or agreements you've made earlier this month.
Gemini
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The Sun spends most of the month in Libra amping up the charm factor for you. If you're open to romance, make sure you get yourself out there. Prince Charming isn't just going to show up at your doorstep. On the 3rd, Pluto goes direct after dragging you through a season of transforming your relationship with power. In what ways have you misused, abused, or abandoned your sense of power? Moving forward, it's time to harness this energy from a more healed and integrated space. Mars moves into Libra on the same day and you're feeling motivated to create, play, and date! It's time to let your hair down and have some fun, Gemmie.
Venus, planet of love and money, moves into Scorpio on the 8th; be mindful of workplace romances. If you're open to meeting someone, try the gym or a wellness seminar. This is also a great time for you and bae to get fit together. The Full Moon in Aries on the 13th makes you the center of attention amongst your social group making this a great night to celebrate any accomplishments or just life itself. The Sun moves into Scorpio on the 23rd, with the New Moon trailing behind on the 27th, inviting you to create some new routines and habits for yourself that will lend to a greater sense of overall wellbeing. The month wraps up with Mercury going retrograde, encouraging you to get into the details of your new health regimen and solidify those new habits you're creating.
Cancer
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Home and family matters have most of your attention while the Sun transits through Libra. On the 3rd, Pluto goes direct and you're taking on a more empowered approach to your relationships moving forward. No more playing the doormat or mommy for other people (especially adults). You've got needs as well, so make sure you're voicing them. Mercury moves into Scorpio on the same day making you even more alluring than usual. You'll be feeling very romantic and creative around this time. Who knows? Maybe your current love affair will be the inspiration for your next masterpiece (or a baby).
Mars moves into Libra on the 4th and you're focused on getting your house in order or closing a deal on that property you're investing in. This is also a good time to smooth out any family drama. On the 8th, Venus moves into Scorpio and you could be bringing in some extra cash from your latest creative projects. When it comes to romance, you'll be attracting people that have more depth, and even an air of mystery, to them. The Full Moon in Aries on the 13th places the spotlight on you in matters of career and achievements. It's time to level up to bigger and better opportunities. On the 23rd, the Sun moves into Scorpio with the New Moon following shortly behind, inviting you to express your deepest sentiments through some form of artistic expression. If you're ready to add a new addition to your family, this could be a potent time to seal the deal. The month ends with Mercury going retrograde on the 31st giving you the chance to get into the details of that project you're working on or for fertility planning as well.
Leo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The month begins with your focus on learning new skills and expanding your social reach with the Sun transiting through Libra. Pluto, planet of transformation, goes direct on the 3rd granting you the wherewithal to overcome any bad habits and even addictions that have had their way with you. It's time to get back in the driver's seat and take control of your life. Mercury moves into Scorpio on the same day setting you and your family up for some Iyanla Vanzant-style breakthroughs, and breakdowns, over the month to come. Keep in mind that healing is on the other side of the chaos.
On the 4th, Mars enters Libra, and you're in overdrive when it comes to your studies and social networking. This is a good time to take a short, weekend vacay to help you avoid burnout (try to make your plans before Mercury goes retrograde at the end of the month). On the 8th, Venus moves into Scorpio and you and bae will likely want to cuddle up at home during this transit. There could be talks of moving in together or planning the expansion of your family. The Full Moon in Aries on the 13th could put you in the spotlight as a teacher or mentor figure. Publishing any written work is favorable around this time. The Sun moves into Scorpio on the 23rd with the New Moon taking place just a few days after. Relocating or planning a trip home for the holidays may be on your brain. Once Mercury goes retrograde on the 31st, you'll have some time to work out the details before executing your plans.
Virgo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
October begins with the Sun transiting through Libra bringing your attention to finances, assets, and the things you value most. On the 3rd, Pluto goes direct, giving you some much-needed oomph when it comes to your creativity and approach to dating. It's time to take back control from the powers that be that inhibit the flow of your authentic expression. Mercury moves into Scorpio on the 3rd and you're feeling more raw when it comes to communicating your truth. This could also be a time in which you're interested in delving into topics like psychology, healing, and the occult.
On the 4th, Mars enters Libra helping you to balance out your budget. It's time to reel it in on the spending. How much have you been saving and investing? Venus moves into Scorpio on the 8th and convos may run deep with someone you meet online. Just make sure they're not a catfish before you become too emotionally attached.
The Full Moon in Aries on the 13th helps you break through some heavy psychological muck that's been holding back a more fearless expression of your individuality. On the 23rd, the Sun moves into Scorpio coupled with a New Moon on the 27th. It's time to set those intentions for a new project you want to start—whether it's writing that book, starting that blog, or launching that YouTube channel. October winds down with Mercury going retrograde, giving you a chance to tweak the details before making your big debut.
Libra
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Happy birthday, babe! The spotlight is on you for most of the month as the Sun transits through your sign. On the 3rd, Pluto goes direct, helping you reclaim your power within family dynamics and also giving you a renewed perspective regarding generational trauma within your lineage. Mercury moves into Scorpio on the same day and money is the topic of discussion for you. Shortly after, Mars begins its transit through your sign, amping up your energy. Be mindful of overexerting yourself or being too aggressive. Try burning off some of the excess adrenaline in the gym. On the 8th, Venus moves into Scorpio inviting you to reevaluate whether you're getting paid what you're worth.
The Full Moon in Aries on the 13th can bring up some tension between your needs and those of a significant other or business partner. As thoughtful of others as you usually are, make sure your needs are being considered as well. On the 23rd, the Sun enters seductive Scorpio with a New Moon taking place shortly after on the 27th. Set some intentions for cultivating new money-making opportunities and make sure to re-evaluate any beliefs that trigger low self-esteem or feelings of unworthiness. The month comes to a close with Mercury going retrograde, giving you the nudge to revise any existing contracts and to raise your prices to match the value of your skills and expertise.
Scorpio
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The first part of the month is a bit more introspective for you as you clear your life of things that you can't drag into the new year. On the 3rd, your ruling planet, Pluto, goes direct and you're feeling like the Phoenix rising from the ashes. It's time to move forward in a more bold, authentic expression of your personal power through your communication. On the same day, Mercury enters your sign and you're craving more intimate, meaningful interactions with the people you encounter. Mars, the warrior, enters Libra helping you to take on a different aspect of this volatile energy by embracing the peaceful warrior archetype instead. It's time to be a little more flexible and open-minded in your relationships.
Venus moves into your sign on the 8th, amping up your sex appeal to mega-hottie status. Blessings abound for you in love, and money, during this transit. On the 13th, the Full Moon in Aries helps you conquer a bad habit, addiction, or even a secret obsession. Health matters could also come to the surface to remind you to take better care of your body. Your season officially takes off on the 23rd with a New Moon following shortly behind on the 27th. It's time to make a wish or even get a makeover that matches the new and improved version of yourself. The month winds down with a delectably spooky Mercury retrograde starting on Halloween, invoking the ghosts of the past to ultimately help you tie up loose ends before your next chapter begins.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Social networking and pushing towards those big-picture goals are top priorities during the first part of the month. On the 3rd, Pluto finally goes direct and you're feeling more confident about charging what you're truly worth after releasing some distorted beliefs based around your sense of worthiness and value; it's time to ditch the impostor syndrome once and for all. Mercury enters Scorpio on the same day and your connection to the Spirit world becomes all the more visceral. Keep a dream journal around this time to unravel the messages that your subconscious is communicating to you. On the 4th, Mars moves into Libra and you're hyper-focused on restoring balance within friendships and any organizations you're a part of.
Venus moves into Scorpio on the 8th and your sex appeal takes on a more subtle, yet undeniably powerful, tone. On the 13th, the Full Moon in Aries encourages you to create, play, and indulge in some romance! This is a perfect night to get out with bae or go dancing with your friends. Later in the month, the Sun enters Scorpio on the 23rd and the New Moon follows right behind on the 27th. The next few weeks encourage you to prioritize more time for rest and reflection as you release the baggage that you can't drag into your new year with you. On the 31st, Mercury goes into retrograde, giving you even more of a reason to lay low and enjoy some solitude right before your busy birthday season.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The first part of October brings your attention to leveling up in your career and striving towards those professional achievements you want to make. On the 3rd, Pluto goes direct in your sign, setting wind in your sails after a grueling summer with Saturn retrograde as well. You're feeling your power and on top of your game like never before. Mercury moves into Scorpio on the same day and you're more inclined to connect with the friends that you can be your weirdest, most vulnerable self with. On the 4th, Mars moves into Libra, encouraging you to keep a level head, especially with your higher-ups or even your worker bees. Diplomacy will take you far during this transit.
Venus moves into Scorpio on the 8th and you may be developing a crush on a long-term friend, or vice versa. If you're open to meeting someone, try joining an organization that interests you. The Full Moon in Aries on the 13th may bring a conclusion to you in the home sector. You could be moving or a roommate could be transitioning elsewhere. This is also a potent time to clear the air with a mother figure or address any family drama. Two words: KEEP. CALM. Later in the month, the Sun moves into Scorpio on the 23rd coupled with a New Moon on the 27th. It's time to dream big and maybe call in your troops as well. Remember, teamwork makes the dream work. The month winds down with Mercury going retrograde on the 31st, giving you the chance to review and revise your strategy for bringing your long-term vision to life.
Aquarius

Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Spiritual development, school, and teaching are your top priorities at the beginning of the month while the Sun transits Libra. On the 3rd, Pluto, the planet of transformation, goes direct helping you push past some self-limiting beliefs regarding your personal power. The inner work you've been doing over the past several months has cleared out stagnant energy from many lifetimes so give yourself a pat on the back. On the same day, Mercury moves into Scorpio and a workplace scandal may be brewing. It's best to just play the fly on the wall while you watch your own live-action version of some janky ass reality T.V. show. On the 4th, Mars enters Libra and you're motivated to soak up as much knowledge as possible. There may also be a sudden desire to travel to some distant land. Sometimes life and experience is our greatest teacher.
On the 8th, Venus moves into Scorpio cautioning you to be mindful of workplace romances. You may be attracting, or attracted to, someone in a position of great power and influence. Just make sure you move wisely; there could even be a secret benefactor offering to assist you financially. On the 13th, the Full Moon in Aries gives you the courage you need to express your individuality with greater ease, making this an opportune time to launch that blog or start your YouTube channel. On the 23rd, the Sun enters Scorpio followed by the New Moon on the 27th. Set some intentions for how you'd like to level up in the workplace. Mercury goes retrograde on the 31st helping you strategize your way to the top.
Pisces

Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The beginning of the month gets pretty deep for you as the Sun transits through Libra. You're in your quiet space of inner-transformation during the first few weeks of October. On the 3rd, Pluto goes direct, helping to ease any power struggles you've been experiencing in your friendships or social groups. Mercury enters Scorpio and you're immersed in studying spirituality and esoteric concepts during this transit. You may even have a knack for sharing your wisdom with others in an intimate setting. On the 4th, Mars moves into Libra helping you to balance out the light and the dark within yourself. It's best you acknowledge some of your repressed emotions instead of allowing them to lash out at the wrong time. Venus moves into Scorpio on the 8th and you are falling in love with the Divine all over again. Your connection to your Higher Self is restored and you're feeling way more in tune with your destined path in life.
On the 13th, the Full Moon in Aries can bring in a sudden windfall of cash or a new opportunity to make some extra income that is bestowed upon you for being your quirky, weird, true self. This is also a time to release any old ways of earning money that just don't align with who you are anymore. Scorpio season officially begins on the 23rd with a New Moon following shortly behind on the 27th. It's time to plant the seeds for that new project, book, or course you're creating that will help others in their own spiritual expansion. October ends with a perfectly aligned Mercury retrograde, giving you the chance to get into the details of your newest creation.
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Lawd. Out Of All The Current Dating Trends, 'Floodlighting' Is One Of The Biggest Red Flags.
I remember when I went on my first official date with an ex of mine from back in the day.
Before I decided to do it, I knew that I was attracted to him and that we both had things like poetry, music, and pretty much all things Black culture in common (I also semi-vetted him beforehand because we had some friends in common) — beyond that, though, I didn’t know much. And so, after about 30 minutes into that date, he asked me a particular question, and at the time, I thought that it was beyond thoughtful: “Shellie, what do you look for in a man?”
As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
Best-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
Ask pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
Once I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
So, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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