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Science Says Women Don't Like Happy Men Or Nice Guys. Let's Discuss
Uh-huh. I already know that some of y’all read the title and then circled back and read it again because you probably thought that a word (or two) was missing or something. Nope. Believe it or not, there are plenty of links out in cyberspace that tackle the topic of why nice guys seem to finish last, and some women really do revel in men being miserable.
And honestly, y’all, sometimes I have to give Instagram and TikTok a break because, real talk, there is also a lot of content out on the World Wide Web that basically cosigns on the same points, too (now how sad is that?).
Okay, but why is that, though? What in the world is wrong with a man who is out here enjoying his best life, and why do a lot of ladies, at the very least, think that nice guys are (yawn, yawn) boring? Hmph. I’ve got my own theories — believe that. And so, let’s get into what research reveals, what a few of my thoughts are and then please, hop into the comments to offer up your insights too.
As far as the title goes, let’s tackle the happiness thing first.
(Some) Women Don’t Like Happy Men. Now, Why Is That?
To tell you the truth, before even getting into this, I can vouch for it being accurate because some people are so entitled and self-involved that, so long as their own needs are getting met, they don’t care if the other individual is suffering or not; I have watched enough interviews, read enough articles and worked with enough couples to know this is indeed the case. Yet according to a particular study, the reason why a lot of women are “into” unhappy men is actually a bit more, let’s go with the word “shallow,” than that.
You see, reportedly, while men find women who smile to seem more submissive and vulnerable, women think that men who aren’t smiling come off as having a stronger sense of pride, which could mean that they are more masculine or competent. Strangely enough, women who participated in this same study also thought men who looked ashamed (yep, ashamed; probably because that plays into the whole bad boy image thing) to be more appealing, too.
Let’s unpack this, shall we?
As far as men finding women with happy faces to be more inviting, I guess that explains (even if it’s subconsciously) the whole “random men telling us to smile” thing, huh? For the record, whenever guys ask me why some of us don’t respond to that very well, I’ve shared that my opinion is, whether Black men realize it or not, telling us to smile can feed into the “angry Black woman” stereotype — because just because we’re not smiling, that doesn’t mean that something is wrong.
And so, a stranger telling us to do something can be off-putting because…we don’t know you. Simply saying “hello” or asking us how we are will typically garner a more positive result. But hey, that’s just my opinion. *Elmo shrug*
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Anyway, as far as women thinking that a man who doesn't smile is more of a masculine one — I mean, when I look at pictures of men who are not smiling, oftentimes it does convey a message of sexiness that can be hella appealing. At the same time, though, a man who smiles comes off as hella sweet and super endearing…so, I guess it’s all about what you’d prefer in a man, right (by the way, why can’t it be both)?
Now, I will say that if you prefer a man who comes off as melancholy or you think that a guy who is animated or excited a lot is “sassy” (does everyone get that sassy means bold and disrespectful, not effeminate?), you might want to do some self-reflecting on that — because that has more to do with you than him, sis.
The reason why I say that is because, well, it’s like an article that I once read that said a lot of people would choose unhappiness over uncertainty and that’s rooted in remaining in the energy that is familiar instead of trying something new. So…on the relationship tip, if you find yourself in patterns with men where neither one of you is very happy and/or there are low-grade levels of drama a lot of the time, you might want to ponder that 'unhappy over uncertainty' thing.
Oh, and if you’re someone who doesn’t so much prefer unhappy men, it’s just that you don’t care if they’re unhappy or not so long as you’re good — that’s called being selfish, and you’d be better off single than anything until you can get that together. A healthy relationship includes reciprocity of needs and wants being met. If one of you is lacking in that department, a dysfunctional dynamic is what you’re a part of. And even if it’s not immediately, eventually, both of you are gonna end up unhappy because of it.
(Some) Women Ain’t into Nice Guys. Is That a Fact or a Myth?
Nice guys finish last. Again, we’ve all heard the saying before. I’ve even written on the topic before, coming to my own conclusion that while they might finish last, they also tend to finish best. However, it wasn’t until I did some Scriptural deep diving that I realized that you’d be hard-pressed to find the word “nice” in any translation of the Bible except for The Message. However, what you will find is the word “kind” — take “love is kind” (I Corinthians 13:4). Now put a pin in that for a moment.
So, the research on women not liking nice guys. One study revealed that while men find nice women to be attractive, women? Eh, not so much. The article said that women find nice men to be a bit of a “womp-womp” and less sexually appealing. The conclusion drawn was that guys (mostly strangers) who were responsive oftentimes came off as either potentially manipulative or too eager to please. Some women also found them to be less dominant.
Another article I checked out said that women found men who drink and smoke to be more attractive than men who didn’t, especially when it came to short-term and/or casual sex situations. The same article said that the entitlement and self-importance of narcissistic people tend to turn folks on (chile) — at least initially.
Yet another article featured a psychologist who said that many women like the “un-nice guys” because they enjoy how unpredictable they can be.
And then there was a study that I personally found to be interesting: a lot of women, once they are ready to settle down, prefer a nice guy; however, while they are dating, they find nice guys to not be as sexually appealing.
Know what I got out of all of this? Women like the adrenaline rush of men who don’t fall into the “nice guy” category when it comes to dating, sex, and anything that has an expiration date. Oh, but when it comes time to settle down, and they are looking for dependability and stability, oftentimes, it’s exactly the nice guys they are after.
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Hmph. No wonder many men are so sensitive about being “friend-zoned” and I get exactly why. Sounds to me like a lot of women use nice guys (more than actually love them), and that’s not cool. Know what else it sounds like? Like a lot of women aren’t very nice to themselves if they think that a nice guy isn’t an awesome person out the gate — and I’m kinda-sorta preaching to the choir when I say that because, while there is indeed something mysterious and alluring about men who aren’t very…agreeable, they can also take a lot out of you in the long run and not in a good way.
Because how can you build anything of value that will see the distance if the person you’re involved with isn’t very nice — or better yet, KIND.
- Kind people are attentive.
- Kind people are honest.
- Kind people listen well.
- Kind people tend to be generous.
- Kind people act responsibly.
- Kind people hold themselves accountable.
- Kind people are respectful.
- Kind people are reliable.
- Kind people are open about their feelings.
- Kind people care about others’ feelings.
If you read all of that and the first thing that comes to your mind is, “I get that, but they’re not the most fun, spontaneous, or sexually satisfying as the other guys” — eh, that’s not really true. It’s just that media, bad friends (or good friends who give bad advice), and whatever “programming” we’ve had from the former sex partners we’ve experienced has us believing that crap. Yet the reality is that you don’t need a non-committal ass in order to orgasm.
In fact, kind men are gonna care about you “pre-sex,” “during sex” and — get this — after sex. Days and weeks after sex. Not only that, but they’re gonna have sex WITH you, not just AT you — meaning, a lot of men get off on you getting off for their ego not so much your satisfaction. That’s why they don’t stick around very long. Their interest leaves with their ejaculate. That might be an “ouch” yet it’s true.
Besides, I promise you that, just like the happier you are within yourself, the more you will want to be with a happy individual, the kinder you are to yourself, the more you will want to be with a kind man. Not after you’ve been torn to shreds (emotionally) by men who weren’t nice or kind — right now. In the present moment.
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It’s not shocking that a lot of women aren’t thrilled at the thought of a happy man or a nice guy. “Alarming” is the word that I would choose because, again, in order to have a healthy, happy, and thriving relationship, you are going to need to be happy within yourself and nice to yourself, and so is the man who you’re involved with.
If that doesn’t sound very appealing to you — well, a hoodie that I once saw (that I turned into a T-shirt because I totally dug the message — immediately comes to mind: “What you need isn’t love…it’s therapy” because two things that love consist of is internal happiness between two people and niceness and kindness towards each other. Full stop.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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'Dear Black Girls': How A'ja Wilson Is Helping Black Girls Heal & Bloom With Confidence
In recent years, books written by Black women, such as Viola Davis, Michelle Obama, and Taraji P. Henson, have adorned our shelves and shown the great trials and tribulations one has had to endure to become the woman we see today. Though their narratives show great accomplishments, they explain in detail the price that had to be paid to achieve their monumental success. Often, this price came at the cost of having to endure unspeakable tragedy. The world was being carried on their shoulders and backs, and they had to learn to balance the weight of it all. Despite the odds, they managed to grow and become exceptionally talented women with limited support or, most of the time, alone.
However, in A'ja Wilson's recently published book, Dear Black Girls, this narrative is changing for the better. The memoir shows that WNBA superstar, and growing legend, A'ja Wilson isn't just a force to reckon with on the court, racking up championships, MVP awards, Olympic gold, and season-record-breaking accomplishments. Her impact transcends the game, reaching into the hearts of young Black women and girls, who like me might have once felt a pang of otherness for embracing their inner tomboy.
Wilson's recently published book offered a powerful remedy, a story that mirrored my own experiences and gently soothed the wounds of not always fitting in. This collection of honest stories is not just about Wilson's journey, it's also a book that holds the potential to heal and inspire countless other Black girls who deserve to see themselves reflected in the pages of a champion.
Although Wilson discusses the tribulations she had to overcome, she didn't have to do them alone and often had more than one support system installed to ensure her success. This book ultimately shows the beauty that grows when Black girls are raised with nourishment, intentionality, and understanding rather than the unrelenting grief and sadness that many believe are necessary to raise Black girls.
In Dear Black Girls: How to Be True to You, the two-time MVP shows us that love, rather than unending tragedy, can be the source of success for all Black girls--past, present, and future. Wilson also shows us how love can occasionally come from an unexpected source--a stranger who only has compassion, empathy, and understanding to offer.
Living While Black
There comes a point in time, in every Black girl's life, where they learn that they are not just a girl, but a Black girl. For me, it was on the playground of my elementary school, where a white girl--who I thought was my friend--called me the n-word when I refused to join her in a fight against a mutual friend. For A'ja Wilson, it was when her "friend" refused to invite her to her house for a sleepover, unless she slept outside. When asked why she had to be the only one to sleep outside, she was quickly informed it had been due to her race. Though her parents discussed it with her and explained why she and the young lady could no longer be friends, A'ja Wilson offers a relatable lens to express the grief of realizing one's otherness.
The year she discovered her Blackness meant a difference, Wilson felt alone and began isolating herself. It wasn't until she met a woman who worked in the cafeteria that she understood the importance of being seen by someone who looked like her. In Dear Black Girls, Wilson teaches the importance of representation and finding someone who "looks like you" and actively cares and checks in with you. Though the young readers of this book will most likely never meet Wilson, she provides her novel as a stand-in role model who actively sees how alone some Black girls feel in the world and tells them lovely: "I see you, I got you."
Finding Oneself
There is a certain power in discovering one's "why." In Dear Black Girls, Wilson explains that in order to find oneself or one's reasons for doing things, it might be important to look to your elders. The ones that could make you believe in yourself. For Wilson, it was her grandmother. Her grandmother was her place of solace and the person she felt closest to. Before she picked up the game of basketball, A'ja's grandmother believed she was special and would achieve so many things in life.
Through this belief, she nurtured Wilson and taught her to believe in the good that everyone had to possess. She taught Wilson that Black women could be heroes, and knew how to "walk the walk" and "talk the talk." She taught Wilson, and in turn, Wilson has taught Black girls, that finding oneself can be done at the hands of the ones that we love. And that if one's love is strong enough, we can "freeze it, and preserve that safe space forever."
It's Okay to Be Different
In school, Wilson was considered a "slow learner." Diagnosed with dyslexia at the late age of 16, she believed she had not been as "smart" as the other kids. Wilson would freeze up in class, and despite loving to write narratives and the school itself, she found she did not catch on with her peers as quickly as she liked. She spent hours on end stressing about being different, so much so, that at times the thought of her otherness became debilitating and all-consuming. With her family and in her solitude, she understood who she was. However, among her friends and in class, she found that she didn't know who she was, nor who they wanted her to be.
From this, she taught Black girls that being a teen is stressful enough, so being oneself should be easily embraced. Though, she admits to not knowing the right thing to say, do, or act, and therefore is unable to give us "cheat codes," the best thing a young Black girl can do, is just be.
Find Your Gardener
I often say that Black women have learned to grow without nourishment. So, in reading Dear Black Girl, it was a refreshing change of pace to read that Wilson had been adorned with love, guidance, honesty, and protection by strong support systems in her life. One of those support systems was Wilson's father. Her father taught her many things in life, but one that was most essential was the importance of perseverance and overcoming mediocrity. See, despite being the best in her career, Wilson and basketball did not mesh well from the start. Instead, she had been known to try many things and was lackluster at best.
Nevertheless, when Wilson was told that she did not play well by her father--after asking why she wasn't getting any playing time--she finally learned to overcome her challenges.
Not because she suddenly practiced more, or believed she could do anything with time. She became better because her father gave her the option to walk away from the sport. He allowed her to be scared, to be unsure of what she wanted in life, and freed her of the stress of absolutes. Through encouragement, he became her gardener--always trying to bring out the best in her through "easy" and "tough" love. In Dear BlackGirls, Wilson encourages Black girls to find their "gardeners," the people in their lives who bring out the best in them, drive them crazy and are never afraid to tell them how it is. The person that pulls out all of the weeds and negativity, and leaves enough space for you to receive sunlight and bloom.
Gaining a Nonsense Detector
While finding a gardener, Wilson also encourages Black girls to find or gain a "nonsense detector." A nonsense detector is just as it sounds, someone who can detect the nonsense that the world is attempting to bring to them and help them identify what it truly is. They are the person who is willing to approach a spade and call it by its name. In Wilson's life, this was her mother. A'ja's mom encouraged her to think logically about her education and its relationship to her basketball career.
She was the person Wilson called when she learned to drive in a new state or deal with the stress of her newfound career. Through her mother's encouragement, she learned not to chase after boys or some concept of a new sense of self, instead, she learned to make decisions with her best interest in mind. In doing so, she chose family, which meant more time with her grandmother, which she would not have had if she hadn't learned to listen to something that encourages no-nonsense.
Grief Has No Timeline, Knows No Bounds
In 2017, during her junior year of college, A'ja Wilson was known as one of the best players in the NCAA. After two seasons of coming up short of winning a national title, she had finally accomplished her goal of winning with Dawn Staley's South Caroline Gamecocks. However, the win was bittersweet, because the champ had been grieving the loss of her grandmother, one of her biggest support systems.
During this time, Wilson discovered that grief could not be neatly packed away in a box, waiting to be unraveled when she had prepared to deal with it. She noted that it was an unending rollercoaster where lows felt all-consuming and endless.
In Dear Black Girls, Wilson discusses the importance of experiencing grief at its pace, and on your own timeline. She explains to young Black girls that the feeling of despair and paralysis is normal and that instead of trying to climb out of the sadness, sometimes it is beneficial to wade through it, with the people you care about. Not only this, she encourages Black girls to embrace support that may be considered unexpected, through a beautiful anecdote involving Dawn Staley.
The champ mentioned the coach drove down to her house, upon hearing about the death of her grandmother, and sat in silence with the athlete as she cried. She informed her that she could take all of the time that she needed and that the "team would be waiting for her when she was ready to return."
You Don't Know What You Don't Know
The issue that many people hold today is they expect to be perfect. Though we know perfection is merely a concept, and the only thing perfect about perfection is the word itself, many dwell on being perfect and having the foresight to ensure it is so. When perfection is inevitably unattainable, we punish ourselves for not knowing better or being fallible. Nevertheless, dwelling on things, especially in relation to being perfect, is nothing more than wasted energy.
In Dear Black Girls, Wilson--through a humorous anecdote of her WNBA drafting day--points out that everyone makes mistakes and that many should not be ashamed for not knowing what they hadn't known before. Instead, beauty lies in learning and giving oneself credit for the knowledge that you now have for navigating future situations. Instead of beating yourself up, Wilson tells young Black girls there is no point in beating themselves up and to allow grace in moments of uncertainty and error.
Protect and Nurture Your Mental Health
The idea of seeking therapy is often a hurdle for Black women. With societal expectations and generational aversions, the concept of the "strong Black woman" often overpowers the necessary, and sometimes dire assistance Black women should seek. In Dear Black Girls, A'ja Wilson points out that most Black women are the first, or one of few, in their families to accomplish significant achievements, such as going to college, getting a corporate job, or making a high-figured salary.
This results in pressure that cannot be seen as relatable by family members, and often results in anxiety disorders, growing, unrelenting pressure, and crippling stress. To solve this, Wilson encourages Black girls to seek help outside of themselves and their friends, to ensure they are not taking on the weight of the world, simply because it was placed on their shoulders. Black women need someone to talk to, especially when it has been ingrained since birth that we should nurture and care for everyone but ourselves. By seeking a therapist, this narrative can change, and the idea of being a "strong Black woman" can come from the idea of learning to be vulnerable and asking for help.
Be Your Own Hero
It is heroic to take control of your own life. Being your own hero gives you confidence and reassurance to face obstacles directly, to follow your passion, and to define success how you see fit. It can be powerful and gratifying to become the best version of yourself and to allow yourself to be. In Dear Black Girls, Wilson teaches Black girls their final lesson, "If you can see them [your heroes], then you can be them." Many Black girls do not seek certain positions in life because they have never seen people who look like them in certain positions.
Nevertheless, Wilson explains the importance of having and seeking out representation, either in life or in media. Then, she encourages young girls to pursue that life they dream of, because anything is attainable with hard effort and--most importantly--love.
Check out A'ja Wilson and the 2024 Paris Women's Basketball Olympic team from July 26 through August 11.
xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
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