

OK. I'm just gonna say right now that if you're someone who typically reads these articles while you're at work or doing something that requires a lot of your mental energy, you might wanna wait until later. Even though I write on relationships, in some capacity, all of the time, as I revisited this particular topic, even I had to take a couple of breaks—just to process and recoup. Because y'all, if there is one thing that can prevent a lot of us from experiencing heartache, drama or even simple old-fashioned "WTF was that?!" in our relationships with others, it's learning more about what relational anxious attachment style is all about.
So yeah, if you're someone who prefers to not wait until the turn of a new year in order to get your life together (check out "Why Fall Is The Perfect Time To Prep For The New Year" when you get a chance) and if one area where you want to get more stable and secure is when it comes to matters of the heart, put on some comfy clothes, pour yourself a glass of wine, turn on some non-depressing R&B music and get into this read. I'm hoping that it will cause more than a couple of light bulb moments to happen—and that they all will be for the good of you and the health of your current or future romantic relationship. In some ways, your platonic and professional ones as well.
Basically, There Are Three Main Attachment Styles...
When you really stop and think about it, everything has a style. When it comes to how we interact with others, style would be in the context of "a particular type", "a manner of acting" and/or "a mode of living". Well, according to a lot of mental health experts, as it relates to our relationships specifically, there are basically three main attachment styles that exist—secure, anxious, and avoidant.
Something that I say, almost on a daily basis, either to myself or to someone else is, "adulthood is about surviving childhood". That's why I've written articles on this platform like, "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?", "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child" and "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members". Whether a lot of people realize it or not, they're in some of the destructive situations that they are in with folks because they haven't mastered how to set firm boundaries (which are limits) with relatives who actually played a significant role in how and why they are so dysfunctional with others to this day. That's why knowing what each relational attachment style is about is so important.
1. Secure Attachment
Secure means that something or someone is firm and safe. Not just that they feel safe, but they are a safe place for others (a great read on all of that isSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't). Well, when someone falls into the category of a secure relational style, a part of what comes with that is, that since their childhood was mostly healthy, they tend to thrive in their romantic relationships. They don't settle for what isn't firm or safe. A big part of that is because they are firm within themselves which makes them so much safer to be around.
And what does this kind of "security" look like? These types of people are more patient and tolerant with their partner. Because they've got a healthy sense of self, they don't see the need to manipulate or play a lot of games in their relationship. They forgive well. They see their partner as a part of their life but not ALL of their life. They are too at peace in their relationship to be jealous or envious. They don't nag. They aren't control freaks. They don't create problems that don't exist, just in order to have drama constantly going on, because that is what they are familiar with. And honestly, at the end of the day, because their parents did such a good job at giving them a healthy sense of self, they aren't needy for a relationship either; this means that they tend to get into the kind that is healthy—or not one at all. And yes, this automatically makes their relationships safer.
In many ways, my late fiancé (who's been gone 25 years this election day) fell into this category. In my experience, these dynamics are a semi-rare find (love on your babies, parents. To a large extent, you set the tone for how they view relationships). Oh, but they do indeed exist.
2. Avoidant Attachment
Since this article is mostly about relational anxious attachment style, let's go with avoidant next. Man. There is a man, who I really loved once upon a time, who defines this relational attachment style to a "t". A lot of times, if someone wasn't raised by both of their parents or a parent left (perhaps via a divorce) or died when they were young, they can end up falling into this category. These are the individuals who could easily be classified as commitment-phobes (because sometimes people aren't simply "jerks"; sometimes, they're severely broken and their childhood played a huge role in that).
The guy I'm referring to, in many ways, is a great person. Funny. Smart. Generous. Talented. Oh, but when it comes to relationships? He sucks. He's literally the type of individual who will get right to the door of being in one and then, jet. Over and over and over again. With multiple women. From what I've researched about avoidants, they are so afraid of someone leaving them that they'd prefer to either beat the person to the punch or never get into a relationship in the first place. What all of this basically boils down to is, that they believe that they can handle the pain of loneliness more than the pain of being left behind—again. Oftentimes, the only thing that can help an avoidant is therapy. First, therapy so that they can recognize this pattern within themselves, and then therapy to work through it all.
And then there's what I really want to get into today—relational anxious attachment style, or RAAS. What exactly does that look and live like?
3. Anxious Attachment
Almost every time I see the word "anxious" or I hear someone say it, a Scripture comes to mind. Philippians 4:6(NKJV) starts off by saying, "Be anxious for nothing…" Now before we get deeper into this, I'm not referring to individuals who have clinical anxiety issues. That is a bona fide diagnosis that requires a different type of focus and attention. No, what I'm speaking of are people who are constantly "full of mental distress or uneasiness", are "greatly worried" or too damn "eager" and actually, to a great extent, they have the capacity to choose not to be; especially as it relates to matters of the heart.
So, how do all of these definitions of 'anxious' present themselves when someone has a relational anxious attachment style?
Honestly, the first thing I think about is they are absolutely exhausting to be around—if not immediately, eventually. Because they've pre-determined that either their relationship should "make" them or "complete" them (a healthy relationship complements you; you and God need to do the "completing"), they tend to be either very controlling or extremely clingy (if not both). They are almost obsessed with wondering if they are doing too much or too little for their partner.
Oftentimes love addicts have this type of relational style because they're more caught up in the potential of what a relationship could be vs. what it actually is. Another sign of someone who struggles with this attachment style is savior syndrome is not unfamiliar to them in the least. In fact, they expect that the true love of their life will swoop in and "rescue" or "save" them.
The interesting thing about many of the individuals who happen to have a relational anxious attachment style is they could either have profound childhood abandonment issues (which probably seems pretty obvious) or they could come from parents who coddled them so much that they don't know how to emotionally stand on their own. They always need to be in a relationship and are always overcompensating in them because there was way too much helicopter parenting going on when they were growing up. And when a child has parents who hover over them too much, it emotionally stunts their development. They tend to be very demanding (almost unrealistically so), super possessive and, they act in a way that is basically desperate should their partner want to leave—or even take a few steps back.
In short, people who are caught up in relational anxious attachment style are anxious most, if not all of the time, when they are with someone. And, you know what they say: Anything that is held onto too tight is oftentimes the very thing that slips away.
If You Have a Relational Anxious Attachment Style, What Should You Do?
If you happen to see yourself in any of what I just shared, let me just say that there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Unless you decide to call up everyone you know or post this on your social media with a message that says this is you, this is something that you can process alone. That said, though, it's definitely not something that you should "Kanye shrug" over while saying, "Welp. That's just how I am. 'He' is just gonna have to deal with it." If that is your take, I can guarantee that it's gonna be hard to find or maintain the kind of relationship that you actually deserve. So, how do you start taking the appropriate steps towards breaking from this particular style so that you can enter into a more secure one?
Revisit your childhood.
Oh, believe you me, if your childhood wasn't exactly stellar, one of the hardest things to do is to go back and revisit certain times and memories. Yet being able to pinpoint what has caused you to become so controlling or clingy back then can help you to resolve how you're handling your relationships right now. For instance, if you realize that your parents were so coddling that they didn't give you the same to let you make real decisions for yourself, it could be that now you don't know how to act when your partner is a lot more independent than you are.
You might start to think that they don't care about you, simply because they don't have to be underneath you 24/7 or if they've got a lot of other things to do than just hang out with you. Again, adulthood is surviving childhood. Acknowledging where your parents (or caregivers) dropped the ball and then tending to that inner child who needs some extra and specific nurturing (and perhaps even discipline as well) can help you to emotionally mature leaps and bounds.
Learn the difference between standards and anxiety.
Not only is it OK to know what you want, need, and deserve in a relationship, it's encouraged. Still, when someone suffers from a relational anxious attachment style, they're oftentimes so freakin' eager, that they don't realize that what they are demanding from their partner isn't really helpful to them or the relationship. It's like they've created a movie in their mind of how a relationship should go and become so worried that it won't go that way, that they put unnecessary (and oftentimes unrealistic) pressure and expectations on the person they're with—so much to the point that the person starts to lose interest.
For example—wanting a man to speak your love language is a standard. Demanding that a man be everything that you've seen in your favorite chick flick and then penalizing him when he's not? That's anxiety at work. To not be anxious is to be at peace. Standards help you to be at peace with your relationship. Anxiety helps to ruin your relationship.
Finally, talk it out.
If you're currently single and you see that you show clear signs of relational anxious attachment style, I'm thrilled for you because you can use this time alone to work through this with a therapist, counselor, life coach, or trusted mentor. On the other hand, if you are currently in a relationship and still see that you fall into the relational anxious attachment style category, if you and yours are past the three-date stage (because when something is super new, breaking all of this down could be a bit…much), bring up the three different styles and see what your partner's take is on them, all while also inquiring more about their own childhood. Doing this can help you to feel more comfortable about sharing some of your own thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities when it comes to being a relational anxious attachment style kind of person.
I know this was a lot. It's a book, to be honest. For now, I just hope that if there is a pattern in your relationships that you haven't been able to quite put your finger on, or you've always wondered why you can't just CHILL in your relationships, again, this can shed some light. Not just so you can someday have a secure romantic relationship but again, secure platonic and professional connections too. Because you deserve to be in anxiety-free relationships. The people who are in them with you? They deserve them too.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'Black Girl Magic' Poet Mahogany L. Browne Talks Banned Books And The Power Of The Creative Pivot
You know you’re dealing with a truly talented and profound voice of a generation when the powers that be attempt to silence it. As a poet, educator, and cultural curator, Mahogany L. Browne has carved out a powerful space in the world of literature and beyond.
From penning the viral poem, “Black Girl Magic,” to writing Woke: A Young Poet’s Call To Justice (a book once banned from a Boston school library), to becoming the 2024 Paterson Poetry Prize winner and a poet-in-residence at Lincoln Center—her path exemplifies resilience, reinvention, and unapologetic artistry. She's published more than 40 works and paid the bills with her craft, a divine dream for many creatives seeking release, autonomy, and freedom in a tough economic climate.
A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
Inside Tiera Kennedy’s BET Awards Night: Hanifa Dress, DIY Glam & ‘Blackbiird’ Nomination
This is Tiera Kennedy’s world, and we’re just living in it.
An Alabama native taking country music by storm thanks to her features on Beyoncé s Cowboy Carter and her recently released debut, Rooted, Kennedy is much more than just a woman living out her wildest dreams; she embodies the role of all-American girl with ease.
“I think for me, an all-American girl, for some reason, brings me back to when I was younger, and just like playing at my grandma’s house and just being outside,” Kennedy told xoNecole ahead of her attendance at the 2025 BET Awards.
“I just feel like when I was younger, you know, you don’t have as many responsibilities. There’s not as much weighing you down, and so I kind of go back to that mindset. Like, even now, being 27, I’m trying to get back to that younger girl.”
The 2025 BET Awards, hosted by Kevin Hart, took place in Los Angeles at the Peacock Theater on Monday night (June 9). The star-studded event was filled with tons of surprises, including a trip down memory lane with a 106 & Park reunion, coupled with performances by artists that dominated the top spots during the music video countdown show’s reign from 2000 to 2014.
Kennedy, who received her first nomination alongside Tanner Adell, Brittney Spencer, Reyna Roberts, and Beyoncè in the BET Her category for “Blackbiird,” the reimagination of the original The Beatles of the same title (minus the extra i), invited xoNecole to get ready with her as she prepared for her first-ever BET Awards.
Beauty Rituals Inherited From Her Mother.
Rather than booking her makeup artist ahead of the big night, Kennedy decided to go on a budget and do the task herself, something that isn’t too out of her norm. She noted how she incorporates some of the things she witnessed her mother do while growing up in her routine.
“I remember being younger and seeing all the makeup laid out on my mom’s counter,” the “I Look Good In That Truck” singer recalled. “I don’t even think she knows this, but there were moments where I would like to go and steal her makeup. She would have Mac. I think it was some kind of foundation powder, and I would go in there and I would put it on, and I’m like I hope she doesn’t see.”
She added, “My mom is very natural with her makeup, so even though I’ve got these big lashes on, I always gravitate towards just neutral looks… I don’t do anything too fancy.”
Tiera Kennedy’s Holy Grail of Products.
Kennedy took it upon herself to take a class to ensure that she’s prepared for nights like these, where she’s the one responsible for bringing her glam look to life.
“We are independent,” she said, reminding us that she is no longer tied to a big machine when it comes to her work as an artist. “We ball on a budget. I have to do my makeup for award shows, events, all the things, and so my makeup artist that taught me how to do all of this, Hailee Clark, she put me on to Nars, the foundation. I don’t know exactly what the name of it is, but I love it.”
“I don’t know all the fancy technicals, but I know that it makes me just look kind of airbrushed, and so I love it. Then, I always use this Laura Mercier [setting] powder because I get real shiny, so I’ve gotta reapply that quite often.”
“We are independent. We ball on a budget. I have to do my makeup for award shows, events, all the things, and so my makeup artist that taught me how to do all of this, Hailee Clark, she put me on."
Her Decision To Wear Hanifa For The Big Night.
Intentionality is essential for Kennedy, which is why she jumped at the opportunity to support Black designer Anifa Mvuemba with a dress from her fashion brand, Hanifa.
“Takira on my team helped me pick out the dress. I really like to represent in country music, and being in Nashville, I like to represent Black culture through the things that I wear, and I was excited to get to wear a Black brand to the BET Awards,” said Kennedy.
“She was telling me about this brand, Hanifa, and we were on FaceTime just scrolling through the website, and she was like this looks like you. This feels very rooted, like fits those natural tones, and so she bought the dress and was like, ‘This is what you’re wearing.’”
The look was a Raven Knit Dress in Eggplant/Dark Brown Mesh from Hanifa.
Tiera Kennedy in her younger years.
Courtesy
Kennedy also nurtured her inner child for the look, taking it back to her roots with one small detail in her hair that she had her mother carry out before she hopped on the flight to LA.
“I had this vision of wearing beads in my hair because when I was younger, my mom would always do that, and I didn’t love it, but now I’m like, it would be really beautiful to tie all of that together, and the Hanifa dress just fit perfectly.”
“Just even in the past couple of days, I’ve had to take a second, and just look back at all of the awesome things we’ve gotten to do,” said Kennedy when asked what baby Tiera is feeling in this moment.
“I had this vision of wearing beads in my hair, because when I was younger, my mom would always do that, and I didn’t love it, but now I’m like, it would be really beautiful to tie all of that together, and the Hanifa dress just fit perfectly.”
“I dreamed of having a record and having this team that was doing all of these things for me, and now, being an independent artist, and being in control of my career, I’ve gotten to build an awesome team behind me that helps me get to where I am. It’s been a lot of hard work, and I think when I was younger, I would have never imagined that I could do all of these things, and so, yeah, to be here, I don’t even think I would believe it.”
Although “Blackbiird” didn’t win in the BET Her category during Monday night’s show, Kennedy’s future is brighter than ever, which she attests to her faith playing a huge role in guiding her next steps as she continues to rise to stardom.
“Thinking about the next thing, I think that can be really daunting when you’re an independent artist. It’s like you have to be thinking of what’s coming next, to prepare for that, but I think the way that I like to walk through life in general is letting the Lord lead,” Kennedy said.
“I know that a lot of time when I have a vision of what I want things to look like in my head, He always exceed my expectations. So, I think the plan is to continue to release music, and continue to show up as my authentic self. Getting to have these moments like the BET Awards is so awesome, but also, at the same time, that’s not what I do this for. I do it for the humans that are listening to my music, that are [having] fun and healing through my music, so I hope that I can just continue to do that.”
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