I’m gonna be honest: It’s topics like the one that we’re about to get into today that really do make grandma’s (actually, these days, with the way our society is going, it’s probably more like great-grandma’s) pearls of wisdom really hit home on a whole ‘nother level. What I mean by that is, have you really ever stopped to think about how less chaotic relationships — and our culture at large, if we’re gonna be really real — would be if more folks actually waited until marriage to have sex? Or shoot, how about just not treating it like some random recreational activity?
As someone who has worked with couples for close to 20 years at this point, I can’t tell you how many folks underestimated just how important — critical even — intimacy is in a marriage, how much it differs from partners that they date, and how their past sexual decisions really do influence their long-term relationship in ways that they never would’ve predicted or imagined. Y’all, no matter what your preferred media medium of choice may tell you, statistics continue to prove that lower body counts really do decrease the chances of divorce; that’s not “shaming,” it’s reality.
That said, what’s an unexpected thing that may complicate your sex life with your partner if you’re not careful? Being consumed with whether you’re the best that he’s ever had or not. Yeah, it’s not the kind of topic that you tend to see all over cyberspace, yet it is something that most — if not all — women have wondered…sometimes to the point of creating unnecessary stress and potential drama in their relationship because they can’t seem to let the query go.
Let’s get free today from it, though.
A Recap on What “Best” Means
GiphyAlthough it’s been five years since I wrote, “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again,” and even though quite a few things in my life have changed since that time when it comes to that particular resolve, I’m firmer than I’ve ever been. Aside from being, as I oftentimes say, “too old for a ‘boy’ anything” — I don’t see a lot of benefits from acting like you’re married when you’re actually not (which is how most people do boyfriend/girlfriend relationships these days). If I’m gonna get that deeply involved again, I’ll need a ring and his last name, please. Otherwise, I’m good. Better than that, even.
That doesn’t mean that the boyfriends from my past haven’t left me with some real gems, though. For instance, while a part of me wishes that I could take the credit for today’s conversation, it’s actually my last boyfriend who introduced the concept of a sexual favorite being more important than a sexual best. How did the topic come about? It’s simple: my dumb-ass decided to ask him if I was his best or not.
Why do I put it that way? Because, just like those ridiculous hypothetical questions, scenarios, and scruples that I see so many women present to their man online, ones that typically stir up nothing more than hurt feelings or arguments that could have been fully avoided, the same goes for the “best” discourse. I mean, if both of you had other partners, why do you want to put yourself through the stress of knowing who was (potentially) better than you?
Or any of the other words that define best:
Best: of the highest quality, excellence, or standing; most advantageous, suitable, or desirable
Synonyms: outstanding, perfect, first-rate, 10, incomparable, baddest, leading, unequal, matchless, beyond compare
GOODNESS. Now, when you put this in a sexual context, as if the definitions aren’t intimidating enough, a lot of different factors can come into what qualifies someone as being another person’s best — the sexual chemistry may be off the charts. Maybe it was a one-night stand that was a random best. Perhaps some techniques were learned that created a type of pleasure that was one’s best.
Or, as my ex explained to me, when he gently (I mean, as gently as you can when it comes to something like this) told me that no, I wasn’t his “best.” There was a partner from his past who was, let’s go, with the word “customizable” because she didn’t have a lot of sexual history or experience. And so, since he was introducing her to a lot about sex was all about, that also meant that she was meeting his specific needs, and so — that made her his best.
And while, at first, it was a little jarring to hear that, with as much time we had put into the relationship and, honestly, how much sex we had been having up until the point of the conversation, I have to admit that not only did he make perfect sense, it wasn’t like he was my best either. Nah, I had to go on a “get my heart pieces back” tour (you can read more about that here, also check out “Let's Finally 'Spring Clean' ALL Of Our Exes Out Of Our Lives, Shall We?” when you get a chance as well) to get what, I think who I would still consider to be my best, out of my system, chile.
And what made “him” my best? I was over-the-top attracted to him. We both were very much in sync outside of the bedroom. He was curious and adventurous as hell. From the first time until the last one, there was no awkwardness or hesitation — lust was very present and strong. I can’t recall one time when I wasn’t euphorically satisfied. In fact, when we did catch up during my tour, we both talked about how we had to consciously “quit” each other in order to leave each other alone and “sexually detox” so to speak. That kind of sex? Yeah, it qualifies as best — no doubt about it.
Beyond me, though, even as I’m writing about all of this, I’m thinking about husbands who have told me that women other than their wives gave them their best fellatio and wives who have said that men other than their husbands have given them the most orgasms. If as you’re reading this, a part of you is like, how the hell can people trust each other to remain faithful or not feel intimidated if they don’t happen to be their partner’s best? Well, I do have an answer for you. You can thank my ex for it because it’s awesome.
Care less about being someone’s “best.” Care more about being (or becoming) their FAVORITE.
Now Here’s Why “Favorite” Should Be Your Ultimate Goal
GiphyI’ve been a full-time writer for most of my life; even before then, English and creative writing were classes that I fully enjoyed in school, so it’s not like I didn’t know what “favorite” meant before my ex and I talked about it. Still, in the way that he meant it, it was indeed the ultimate light bulb and ah-ha moment for me. Before I explain why, a recap of its definitions and some of its synonyms too:
Favorite: a person or thing regarded with special favor or preference; a person treated with special or undue favor by a king, official, etc.
Synonyms: beloved, cherished, treasured, choice, dear, intimate, sweetheart, adored, best-loved, main
Can you already see where this is going? Some strange woman who a man meets in a bar while he’s on vacation, who he goes up into a hotel room with and has a night of passionate sex with, it all could be something that he describes as “outstanding” and “first-rate.” Yet the woman to who he commits his life and only sleeps with her after marriage, he can see as “beloved” and their sex as “intimate.”
When you really want to build something with someone that is significant and lasting — which sounds better: best or favorite? And that’s what my boyfriend (at the time) was trying to convey.
The mechanics of sex with someone who came before me did make things damn near perfect for him, yet he enjoyed me because I was his choice, his main, and our experiences were cherished and very dear to him — so much so that he had no regrets or desires to exchange his past best for his (then) current favorite.
I mean, take it outside of sex to get a clearer view. One time, while I was on the road touring with an organization that I used to work with, I had some of the BEST beef ribs ever. Chile now? I can’t even tell you the name of the restaurant at this point; I just recall how the ribs made me feel at the time that I had them. My favorite, though? To tell you the truth, before Tony Roma’s went down in a major flood that Nashville had back in 2010, I would probably say it was theirs (the ones who know…know).
Now, though, I’ve mastered how to make some pretty tender and delicious (if I do say so myself) beef ribs at home, and so my homemade batches are what I consider to be my absolute favorite. They are so good that, while I remember some things about my best, I don’t long for them. I like the "favorite" more; they are my preference because that "best" experience…I don’t know if I can ever recreate that. My favorite? I’ve done it so many times and the results have been so consistent that I am beyond content. See my point?
Okay, so what about you hyper-cynical folks who think this is all a crock of bull and if you can’t be your man’s best, you don’t want anything at all? Well, first of all, you might want to get yourself a virgin (and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that) in order to significantly and realistically increase your odds of that being the case. Secondly — caring so much about being someone’s best is usually more about ego than intimacy anyway. Ask any married couple who has more than five wedding anniversaries under the belt, and I’m willing to bet some pretty good money that they will tell you that your bed doesn’t have enough for two people and two egos to fit into it.
Meaning, being someone’s best is a nice pat on the back, I won’t lie — yet if that’s your focus, you really can miss out on all of the beautiful things that can come with just resting in the fact that whether you will ever be someone’s best or not…you can always say, do and simply be things that will make you be/become their one-thousand-and-one-perfect favorite.
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In fact, should my time to say “I do” ever come, being my husband’s best won’t even really matter to me. For one thing, I already know I ain’t no slouch (I’m kidding yet not — LOL) and so, knowing that he chose me, even above who may have been his best before me, that automatically makes me his favorite because, again, favorite means choice. And if you chose me…when it’s all said and done, that’s all that really matters.
Let “her” be his best in their season, chile.
Who cares?
He and I have a lifetime to remain one another’s favorite.
WE WIN. #wink
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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