I’m not a fan of casual sex. One reason is because I used to participate in it with several guy friends, and it can come with challenges and complications that you can seriously underestimate…until it’s too late. Another reason is that I know what casual means, and I have no desire, these days, to participate in random, apathetic, and careless activities.
And still, another reason is that it can sometimes make you very sexually self-consumed in a way that can make you a very impatient person when it comes time to bring true and authentic intimacy into a sexual dynamic — because let’s be honest: casual sex is way different than sex that you experience with someone who you’re in something serious with (or at least it should be).
When you’re sharing all of yourself with another person, you’ve got to be willing to not just “grade them on their performance;” you should be willing to allow them to learn you…as you commit to doing the same.
And that’s why I decided to ask 15 different women to share with me, what they did, as they transitioned from casual to something deeper, and figured out along the way that there was some “sex-related tweaking” that needed to be done. As they strived to keep their relationship flourishing, here’s how they helped their partners to thrive in the bedroom department.
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1. Angelia. 43. Married for 12 Years.
“Now that I’ve got some time under my belt, it’s important for women to know the difference between your man not being good in bed and you comparing him to people from your past — most women confuse the two. For the first couple of years, I didn’t realize that was my issue: I was comparing. It wasn’t intentional, but it was happening. I realized that it wasn’t that my man didn’t know how to please me so much as his approach was different from what I was used to with other guys. That part, was my stuff to deal with.
"Once I purged it, I was able to be clear with my husband about what my likes and dislikes are and then give him the space and respect to allow him to ‘customize’ his approach. Bottom line, great sex is about consistent communication. Be honest, with yourself and your partner. The more open you are, the better the sex will be — or become.”
2. Dinah. 32. Dating.
“A big problem that I used to have was thinking that if a man was good in bed, it meant that he could figure out what I needed without me having to say much of anything at all. That’s until I was talking about it with some of my girlfriends, and one of them said, ‘Girl, we’re not “one size fits all.” Every time a man gets with someone else, he has to learn something new. You’ve got to speak up. Closed mouths don’t get fed.’ I took what she said to heart and learned to speak up when there’s something I don’t like or something that I really like.
"For a while, I was uncomfortable because I’m kind of shy. But guys seem to like knowing what we want in bed — what I’m saying is, they like to hear it. So long as you’re not barking orders, they feel like it’s a form of dirty talk. Now that I know that, I’m very vocal; especially during foreplay.”
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3. Wrenna. 28. Engaged for 11 Months.
“My man is not the size that I’m typically used to. When we first started dating, I thought it was going to be a deal-breaker. Then I realized that you can be sexually pleased by a man who isn’t packin’. It’s all about learning about which positions work best based on his size. That’s what we’ve learned to master. Even if you put a pillow underneath you, he can ‘hit those spots’ when you’re in the missionary position that a pillow wasn’t needed for with bigger men. Being endowed doesn’t make a man good in bed anyway; working with you to get things where you need them to be does. My man rises to that occasion, in every way, every time.”
Shellie here: She’s right on the size thing. Check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go” if you’re looking for even more confirmation.
4. Emily. 30. Married for Six Years.
“If your man isn’t the greatest at foreplay, do what I did and turn everything into a guessing game: guess where I like to be kissed, guess what my favorite spot is, guess what activity turns me on the most — then don’t tell me, show me. And if you’re right, I’ll reward you with a sex-related surprise. If you’re wrong, I get extra time ‘on the clock’ in those same spots. Men don’t have a problem with what they don’t know; men don’t want to feel emasculated or humiliated for not knowing it.”
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5. Gemma. 25. In a Relationship for a Year.
“To each their own, but I don’t like guys who bring porn into the bedroom. Even if they learn how to talk from it, I’m annoyed because it’s not about seducing me; it’s about how nasty their words can get. I hate phrases like ‘good girl’ — it creeps me out. My boyfriend used to talk that way until I shared with him that I prefer questions instead of statements in bed: ‘How can I please you tonight?’ or ‘Baby, how does this feel?’. It took some getting used to [for him] at first. Now he likes it a lot because the questions get me there, and my answers get him there.”
6. Paula. 38. Engaged for Four Months.
“My man is GREAT in bed. I couldn’t ask for more. Our problem is that he couldn’t always ‘read the room’ when it comes to when I’m in the mood or not. He’s a morning guy and I prefer sex at night; not late at night either…sometime between 7-9. He used to think that because he can always ‘get me there’ that whenever he was down, I would be. Or he would come to bed after my window and then be frustrated when I didn’t want to wake up at five.
"Basically, we had to get our bodies on a bit of a sex schedule. We try to average having sex no less than twice a week, and yes, we both need to compromise. BUT if he wants to get me at my best, that 7-9 window is when it’s gonna happen. Once I figured that out, we’ve been pretty smooth sailing. We bust headboards, then. He gets a quickie or some amazing head otherwise. I think we’re both good with that.”
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7. Tanisha. 41. Engaged for 18 Months.
“TELL MEN WHERE YOUR SPOTS ARE. Because even the most attentive man, someone who knows to not only focus on our breasts and vagina, is not always going to know what your specific zones are. Something that I discovered about myself is, as I got older, my spots changed. I used to love to have my breasts sucked — until I had kids. I used to hate having my feet touched — until a few years ago. It’s not fair to expect a man to automatically know what you’re still figuring it out. If you’ve got a good lover, he aims to please. Let him know how to ‘warm you up’ — and if those places switch up, who cares? We evolve sexually, just like we do everywhere else.”
8. Fredricka. 25. In an Exclusive Sex Situation.
“I stayed single until I could find a man who could eat the box properly. Why do these guys think that just being down there is doing something? The man I’m with now? When I saw that it had some real potential, I flat-out asked him if he was okay with me showing him how I liked to get head. He told me that so long as we could be each other’s instructors, he was down for anything. He had to humble himself, and so did I. Do people even talk about how much humility and sexual satisfaction go hand in hand? Yeah, interview me when you’re ready to break that down to everyone.”
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9. Orpah. 34. In a Relationship for Three Years.
“My problem used to be, not that my boyfriend was a ‘minute man’; it was actually that he could go a really long time the first round and then be tapped out for the second one. So, what we had to do was find ways to shorten the first time, so that he’d have enough energy for 2-3 more. I think guys don’t realize that even if they can last a while, it can still take us the first round to warm up a bit. So, now what we’ll sometimes do is foreplay, sex for a few minutes, he goes down on me, and then we’ll have more sex. The goal is to keep him excited without him actually cumming. It works like a charm.”
10. Marina. 29. Engaged for Two Months.
“Did y’all see that nasty ass post of Kevin Gates spitting into that girl’s mouth on stage? I literally almost threw up. My man used to think that spit was a thing. I mean, it was for some of his other sex partners, so he assumed that I would like it, too. I. DO. NOT. What we had to do was have some hard discussions about what he was ‘programmed’ to think was sexy vs. what actually is sexually appealing — at least for me. It took some ego finessing because men tend to be like, ‘I’ve never had complaints before…’ and you have to find a way to convey that it doesn’t matter if you’re not happy. There can be a fine line there. Speak to him the way you would want him to speak to you.”
Shellie here: If you didn’t see what she’s talking about, just to be thorough, it’s here. Enter at your own risk, though. I could barely stomach watching it once, my damn self. UGH.
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11. Lee. 30. Dating.
“I consider myself to be a tour guide. I have no problem moving a man’s hands to where I want them to be, using my mouth to explain to him where I want his mouth to go, or putting my own body in a position to get what I need from him. Too many women are afraid to hurt a man’s feelings in bed by showing some aggression. Hmph, let me tell you something: if there’s one place where a man loves that sh-t, it’s in the bedroom. I will forever die on that hill.”
12. Revelynn. 41. In a Serious Relationship for a Year.
“Want to know if a man has been used to making love or not? Pay attention to how often he looks into your eyes. If he avoids them, he’s been having sex but not really connecting with you. And while I like doggy style as much as the next gal, we spent some time in missionary, cowgirl — any sex position where he had to look me in the eyes. When men look at you, it makes them more vulnerable, and that makes the sex more intense…and that ends up making them better lovers. I am a witness.”
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13. Karollynn. 32. Married for Five Years.
“With my husband, the sex itself has never been the issue. I was always fulfilled in that department. Our challenge was the ambiance. Girl, a man can have sex in a mechanic’s garage or a club bathroom, if you’re down. What I had to get my man to learn was, if you want to really get me in the mood — fold those clothes that are on the bed, light some scented candles, have some of my favorite food delivered if you don’t feel like cooking either.
"The reason why we as women show up as a different woman in hotel rooms is because we can relax there. At home, there is always something that needs to be done, so men need to learn how to make it feel less like a ‘home office’ and more like a place of escape. That’s the cheat code.”
14. Oren. 50. Married for 28 Years.
“I always feel badly for younger women who think that good sex means hopping from partner to partner; it’s like they assume that being the same person is toiling work. For me, it’s not. The more time I’ve been with my husband, the better the sex has become because our marriage has given us all the time in the world to learn each other — and sometimes relearn each other. My advice would be to not be in a rush to ‘be great in bed.’ Care about ‘becoming one’ with your partner. If you do that, the sexual satisfaction will come.”
15. Laylah. 46. “Rebounding” Her Divorce.
“Wanna hear something crazy? My husband and I divorced because I was so sexually unhappy — years of it. I loved him, but I’m sorry, I didn’t sign up for years of being ‘bedroom miserable’, and he seemed to be committed to not hearing me, so I ended things. It might sound superficial but when your partner isn’t meeting your needs in one department, it spills over…trust me. We spent a year apart and then started speaking and casually dating again. During that time, we talked about sex a lot.
"Then we took some sex classes together. We went to sex shops. We had sexcations. He started to act like a student of sex, and that changed everything. Because there is love and history between us, now that the sex is on track, we’re in the process of reconciling. I finally have everything I need. Ladies, get everything you need.”
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You know, there is an author by the name of Abhijit Naskar who once said, “Without attachment, a naked body is merely a lifeless sex toy.” When it comes to what all of these women just shared, there is clearly some truth to that because what they all said, in their own way, is truly connecting with your partner is the key to the best kind of sex possible.
So, if your man is already a top-tier lover — mazel tov!
If not, purpose in your mind to solidify a stronger attachment with him by being honest, present, and real. Then watch what happens when you do — as your lover and…well beyond.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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