Okay, so I’ve got a question — what are your summer plans as far as your skin is concerned? Listen, it’s a super valid concern considering the fact that I recently had a conversation with a couple of women over 60 who told me that one of their biggest regrets was taking the condition of their skin for granted back when they were in their 30s. One of them literally said to me, “We love to talk about ‘Black not cracking,’ but let’s not act like we can’t go 20 years looking under 40 and one day — BOOM, we look 70.”
I’ve heard this said many times over the course of my life, which is why I’ve become more proactive than ever when it comes to my own skincare regimen; this includes keeping my eyes on certain skincare trends that I think will do wonders for Black skin. That said, as far as this particular summer season goes, here are ten that I personally think will bring out the best in all of us…as far as our skin is concerned.
1. Citrus Skincare Products
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If you’re someone who enjoys eating citrus fruit, that’s a good thing. It contains nutrients like vitamins B and C, antioxidants, copper, fiber, magnesium, and potassium. When it comes to your skin, specifically, the citric acid that’s in it can help to kill that bacteria that could cause skin damage and aging, while its ascorbic acid is great at improving collagen and skin elasticity. Plus, the antioxidants in citrus fruit are highly effective at sloughing off dead skin cells so that your skin looks fresh and radiant, as other properties can reduce hyperpigmentation. For all of these reasons and more, if you don’t have at least a citrus-based body wash or face peel in your possession, there’s no time like the present to get yourself one.
2. Witch Hazel
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It is so wild to me how a bottle that costs so little can do so much. Personally, I’ve had some witch hazel in my possession for years now, and I’ve had absolutely no regrets. Although I mostly use it as a skin toner, witch hazel can also speed up the healing process of breakouts, soothe scalp irritation, reduce inflammation (like if you end up with a mosquito bite), reduce the appearance of puffy eyes, and also tighten up (the look of) your pores. Trust me, if you don’t invest in any other current skincare trend on this list, this is an (easily) under-five bucks one that will be well worth your while.
3. Skin Cycling
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If you’ve ever had a trainer before, you probably know that when you’re trying to achieve certain body goals, you need to work out different parts of your body on different days. Along these same lines, that’s what skin cycling is all about: you come up with an effective skin routine that consists of you applying certain products on one day and another set on another in order to achieve optimal results.
From what I’ve read and researched, if you want to be a true “cycler,” you need an exfoliant, retinoid, and moisturizer. The first night you use the exfoliant, the second, the retinoid product; and on the third and fourth, the moisturizer. Then you rinse and repeat the regimen all over again. As far as the perks go, skin cycling can help to repair your skin’s barrier as well as “prep” it for the changes in seasons — so, at least consider doing it in the weeks leading into a new season (like in October in preparation for fall).
4. Chlorophyll Supplements
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A couple of days ago, someone randomly asked me if I take chlorophyll; that goes to show how popular it is becoming. Although the basic definition of chlorophyll is it’s the compound in plants that give them their green color, there are many reasons why it’s beneficial as far as your skin is concerned. For starters, chlorophyll contains a good amount of vitamins A, C, E, and K. Plus, it’s also full of antioxidants, anti-inflammatory, and contains antimicrobial properties that help to heal acne, minimize the appearance of pores, and help to detoxify your system overall.
Just make sure that if you choose to take it in supplement form, you follow the instructions thoroughly. Oh, and don’t be alarmed if your urine turns green or your stools become a little loose; both can be side effects when taking chlorophyll on a regular basis.
5. Menopause-Themed Products
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Aging is a blessing; I don’t care what anybody says. So, why do so many people (in my opinion) fear it? Well, aside from how shallow our culture can be as it relates to its definition of beauty, another challenge is not nearly enough individuals properly prepare for what is inevitable — getting older. For instance, did you know that after menopause, you start to lose as much as 30 percent of your skin’s collagen within the first five years? The less collagen you have, the more sagging and wrinkling your skin will do. That’s why, it’s actually pretty dope, that more skincare brands are coming up with products that cater to women who are menopausal or post-menopause. One article that can ease you into learning more about these types of products is Allure’s “13 Skin-Care and Wellness Products Made Specifically for Menopause and Its Effects”.
As far as some things that you should stay up on when it comes to caring for your skin, as you’re entering into menopause, peptides (which help with collagen production), retinol (which can reduce the appearance of fine lines), and sunscreen (which should be a must regardless of your age) are all sure bets when it comes to keeping your skin looking younger for a longer period of time.
6. Hypochlorous Acid
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Although hypochlorous acid is something that has been around for basically forever, it started to gain some real traction during the peak of the pandemic; that’s because some call it a powerful-yet-natural disinfectant. How natural is it? Well, your body actually produces it on its own. White blood cells create it to fight off bacteria and infection.
Anyway, skin-wise, it’s beneficial because hypochlorous acid helps to unclog your skin’s pores, reduce the type of inflammation that’s associated with eczema and psoriasis, and repair damage that may have occurred due to acne.
The main thing to keep in mind is you MUST use a diluted version of this type of acid (which commercialized versions of it have done); otherwise, you could end up with chemical burns. Otherwise, it’s great for all skin types and has virtually no side effects.
7. Skincare That’s Make-Up Too
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If you personally wouldn’t dare step outside of your front door without a full face of makeup on, luckily, you don’t have to sacrifice the quality of your skin by doing so. The reason why is that there are a ton of “skincare hybrids” that are making their way onto the beauty scene. At the end of the day, what they offer you is the benefits of skincare products without you having to sacrifice the look that you adore from using cosmetics. Vogue’s article “These Makeup Products Can Actually Replace Your Entire Skin-Care Routine” can start to point you in the right direction. So can Harper’s Bazaar’s “The rise of hybrid cosmetics: 12 make-up products that act as skincare”.
8. Cucumber Extract
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Something that I didn’t know until recently is that cucumbers are closely related to watermelons and pumpkins. Aside from that, they’re a fruit that is full of water, vitamin K, and a good amount of vitamin C and potassium. And although it’s pretty commonly known that putting cucumbers over your eyes can help to reduce puffiness, there are a host of other things that they can do as well. The properties in cucumbers are awesome when it comes to deeply hydrating your skin, reducing skin inflammation, fighting against free radicals, making your complexion appear brighter, and slowing down the signs of premature aging. That’s why you should consider applying a homemade cucumber mask once a week or purchasing some cucumber extract to apply all over.
9. “Skinimalism”
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I once read an article that said 'skinimalism' is basically all about being a mindful consumer. The way that CNN puts it is skinimalism is about finding the most uncomplicated way to bring out the best in your skin. Bottom line here is, for the sake of your skin, budget, and the environment, it’s being encouraged to not be a product junkie as far as your skin is concerned. Instead, look for items that have as few chemicals as possible on their label while getting down to the ones that are the best for you — even if it’s only 3-5 things…not just when it comes to skincare but your makeup too. What it all boils down to is “less is more”.
10. Cloud Skin
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Although this last one is more of a makeup than skincare trend, I decided to throw it into the mix because, if there’s one thing that a lot of us want during the summer season is skin that looks flawless without appearing overly made-up. That said, cloud skin can give you that because it’s basically a cosmetic approach that doesn’t make your face look too matte or too dewy. How to create it is an article unto itself. What I will say is you’ll need a moisturizer, makeup sponge, some concealer and foundation, a makeup brush, and some loose powder. A Black YouTuber who gets pretty damn close to the trend (although she calls it “soft matte”) is KaaylaDee. You can watch her tutorial here. Enjoy!
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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