Now that the summer season is officially here, hopefully, you’ve got some plans that will have you traveling more often and/or hanging out by some water and/or spending time with friends in the great outdoors. And while it’s always a great time when you can pull out your distressed jean shorts, super cute sandals, and big ass straw hats, let’s not act like the heat ain’t a mutha while the thought of putting on anything more than what is absolutely necessary is stressful as hell.
Especially when it comes to wearing makeup. When it’s hot ‘n sticky, who wants to have on a full face of stuff? The dilemma is, when you want to still look cute, how do you figure out what will give you a made-up face without you having to go through the drama of it feeling heavy on your skin or, worse, melting off due to the extreme heat?
If that’s what’s been crossing your mind lately, I hear you, and I’ve got you. During the season when less really is more as far as cosmetics go, here are some things that you can apply that will give you a makeup face without overdoing it in the process.
Rosemary Oil
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To anyone who will listen, if there is one skincare product that I will shout out for the rest of my life, it’s rosemary oil (well, that and sulfur soap). When it comes to helping to heal and prevent acne, keeping my skin hydrated, and giving my skin a natural glow, rosemary oil is that one. Not only that, but some skin experts say that it also helps to reduce inflammation, get rid of dark circles underneath the eyes, and soften the appearance of cellulite too.
Personally, I don’t use foundation, so I’ll just put on some rosemary oil and head on out the door. Yet even if you do, if you’re looking for a moisturizer that’s a great primer for your skin as well as the makeup you plan to apply to it or if you want an overnight oil so that your skin will be soft and smooth, the following morning, look no further than rosemary oil for your face and neck (don’t forget your neck, chile). You will not have one regret. Straight up.
Tinted Moisturizer
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If the main thing that stresses you out when it comes to wearing makeup in the heat is you don’t want it to smear or look “caked on,” or you would prefer a much sheerer and natural-looking end result, have you ever tried tinted moisturizer before? If not, it’s just what it sounds like, and the cool thing is, it can provide you with a bit of coverage without you looking like you have a full face of makeup on. Plus, it tends to offer a natural glow that works really well during the daytime hours.
Another awesome thing about this option is some tinted moisturizers come with SPF (sunscreen) already in them — and yes, this is a good thing because we melanated women need that kind of skin protection too (check out “Here Are 10 Black Girl-Friendly Sunscreens That Will Keep You Glowing This Spring”). By the way, Allure did you a solid by publishing “The 15 Best Tinted Moisturizers With Sunscreen That Smooth and Protect Skin.” It’s worth a skim when you get a chance.
Bronzer
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Back when I was shifting out of wearing foundation, something that worked like an absolute charm was bronzer. It gave me enough coverage to camouflage any blemishes that I wanted to smooth out while making my skin appear absolutely radiant at the same time. In fact, the only thing that I wasn’t super fond of when it came to bronzer was, I had to be careful not to get it on my clothes (or someone else's when I hugged them). But if you’re looking for something that will complement your skin, immaculately so, whenever you’re out in the summer sun, bronzer is what you’ve been looking for all of your life.
Another bonus with bronzer is it’s something that you can make yourself from the comfort and convenience of your own home; that way, you can be in complete control of the ingredients that you end up putting on your face (and possibly other parts of your body). If you want to go the all-natural route, a recipe is here. If you want to try a hack that combines a powder bronzer with a liquid primer, the YouTube video is here.
Eyebrow Gel
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At the time that I’m writing this, I am two days out from an eyebrow wax appointment. Something that I just shared with my waxer is how wild is it that your face can look like it’s been made up just by taming your brows — especially professionally. Well, something that can keep your eyebrows looking on point in between appointments is eyebrow gel. If you’re curious about which ones can withstand the summer heat, check out Byrdie’s article, “The 11 Best Eyebrow Hold Gels of 2023, Tested & Reviewed.”
Waterproof Mascara
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Recently, someone asked me if my eyelashes were real, and I didn’t know whether to be flattered or slightly triggered. LOL. The answer is “yes.” I was blessed with naturally long lashes; however, when I want them to be a bit thicker, I will apply some Jamaican black castor oil on them at night and then apply 2-3 coats (make sure to let them dry in between) of mascara during the day. Not any mascara either; it needs to be as black as black can get; plus, it needs to be waterproof. That way, I don’t have to worry about sweat causing them to smear.
Just make sure that you wash that stuff off before turning in at night. Some formulas are super thick and can actually cause your lashes to break if you’re not careful.
Lip Liner
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While perusing through Sephora not too long ago in search of a particular lip liner that I wanted, you should’ve seen the look on my face when an associate shared that lip liners are slowly being faded out. What in the world? Personally, I’m always gonna be a fan because, not only do they help to give my full lips some nice definition, but lip liners also help to keep lipstick in place for a longer period of time.
Personally, I don’t even wear lipstick that much, especially during the summer season. What I will do instead is line my lips with a liner and then fill them in with lip gloss. It gives a shearer look that still “pops.” Plus, I can enjoy my popsicles ‘n stuff in peace because, since all I had on was lip gloss, to begin with, I don’t have to worry about losing color while eating or drinking anything. Yeah, lip liners are bomb. Always have been, always will be.
Sparkling Lip Gloss
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Speaking of lip gloss, aside from the fact that it helps your lips to look (and feel) nice and hydrated, one of my (other) favorite things about it is it can keep your lips looking fuller and sexier from day into the night; especially if you get the kind that has some sort of glitter in it (perhaps like this one here or here). The way that this particular kind of lip gloss shimmers in the summer sun and by candlelight is truly unmatched — I can personally attest to that.
Shoot, you can even make your own sparkling gloss by adding some cosmetic glitter to a container of gloss that you’ve got. Or if you really wanna be a boss with yours, make your lip gloss totally from scratch. The YouTube videos here, here, and here can walk you through how to make that go down. Or, if you want to go the totally natural route, Kimspired DIY has a recipe that can get you right here.
DIY Shimmer Lotion
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Even though we’re mostly talking about makeup, because there is nothing more alluring than gorgeous skin, I did think it was important to give the rest of your body a bit of a shout-out too — and this is where shimmering body lotion comes in. Not only will it cause your skin to glow, but it also has a way of minimizing the appearance of blemishes as well. So, if body acne (or the scars that it can sometimes leave behind) is something that you’re worried about this summer, why not make a batch of your own shimmer lotion (or oil)? Some YouTube shorts that will show you how to DIY it are located here and here.
Bomb Ass Frames
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Okay, so what about the days when you honestly don’t want to do a damn thing? You’d be amazed what a pair of some bomb ass shades will do for you. Then all you’ve got to do is make sure your eyebrows are groomed, that you curl your lashes, that you put something on those lips of yours and you’re basically all set.
For the record, even eyeglasses have trends. According to InStyle, round frames, wired rims, and an upgraded cat-eye are all the rage right now. So are clear frames. Meanwhile, StyleCaster shouts out oversized frames and sporty wrap frames as far as trendy sunglasses go.
BONUS: Matte Makeup
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So, what if you’ve got a (pardon the pun) hot date coming up, and you want to apply some makeup, yet you just don’t want to pile it on? Your best bet would be to go with something that gives you a matte finish. That’s because matte is designed in a way that will help to absorb more sweat and oil. Plus, it helps to give your skin a smooth and even complexion. Just make sure to not overdo it by going all-matte. Mix things up a bit by avoiding a matte lipstick (go with a glossy finish instead) or adding some glitter eyeshadow…or the kind that is actually my next suggestion.
BONUS: Cream Eyeshadow
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Since it appears that white and pastel eyeshadows are trending big time this year, you definitely should get some cream eyeshadow if ramping up your eyes is totally your thing. The reason why cream eyeshadows are dope during the summer season is that they tend to not crease up and also last much longer — both are good to know since humidity likes to make makeup evaporate, often at the most inopportune moments.
For the record, one of the best things about cream eyeshadow is that it goes on pretty smoothly, even with your fingertips, so if you need to do quick touch-ups while you’re out at the beach, all you need is to pull out a compact from your big straw purse, and you’re good to go.
BONUS: Blotting Pampers
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For the love of all things summer and sane, definitely make sure to have some blotting papers in your possession. More than anything, they’re specifically designed to absorb excess oil. However, another bonus is, since many of them contain salicylic acid, using blotting papers on a consistent basis can also help to keep your pores clear, which can reduce the chances of you experiencing breakouts which is also a major win. Just make sure to go with eco-friendly ones if you can; they are biodegradable, which makes them good for the environment too. Now get out there and be gorgeous and great!
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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