Being a #BAWSE nowadays may not be easy. Waking up early, staying up late, working that corporate job, that side hustle, or even that dream job, supporting your tribe and being there for everyone while also taking care of yourself? Yeah, not always the easiest.
Despite its challenges, there's nothing like waking up and slaying your day in style and grace! For me, nothing gets me into "go mode" and ready to tackle the day like finishing my makeup off with my favorite lipstick. Seriously, think about it: have you ever noticed how you just instantly look more put together once you throw that lipstick on? There's just something about lipstick that ties your makeup look together - heck, even when going out bare face, it instantly elevates you.
These days, you may be looking for some color inspiration to add to your beauty arsenal. I grabbed 10 women killin' it in their industries to share what's their go-to lip shade:
Renae Bluitt
What She Does:
Founder of InHerShoes / Executive Producer of SheDidThat / Beauty PR Consultant
What She Wears:
"Boy Trouble" by The Lip Bar & "Ruby Woo" by MAC
Why She Loves It:
"My favorite winter (spring, fall, and summer) lip combination is The Lip Bar's 'Boy Trouble' mixed with 'Ruby Woo' by MAC. I rarely step out into the world without a lippie and have always loved statement-making colors against my brown skin. There's something about a bright and bold lip that makes me feel pulled together in any and everything from sweatshirts to sequins. My approach to life has always been put on some bold lipstick and handle it!"
Karleen Roy
What She Does:
Founder of The Vanity Group
What She Wears:
"Toosie" by Scoobie West & Company
Why She Loves It:
"I love this color because it's the color of fire! It makes me feel like the fly women in the 70's/80's who always wore red lipstick and wore long red nails. Bianca Jagger style! Even if you do not have on a full face of makeup, red lipstick instantly pops and give you a polished look."
Delina Medhin
What She Does:
Celebrity Makeup Artist
What She Wears:
Why She Loves It:
"I love a dark lip in the winter! One of my favorites is this pigmented brown lipstick. It's a creamy consistency that glides on to the lip and wears comfortably. To give this lip longer wear, pair it with Mac Cosmetics lipliner in the color 'Chestnut.'"
Dana Oliver
What She Does:
Beauty Director at Yahoo Lifestyle
What She Wears:
"Rock With You" by NARS Powermatte Lip Pigment
Why She Loves It:
"During the cold-weather months, I like to accessorize my cool gray and crisp black winter outfits with vampy matte lipsticks. And NARS Powermatte Lip Pigment in 'Rock With You' is my new favorite for four fabulous reasons: 1) This is one matte lip product that doesn't dry out my lips. 2) It goes on super smooth — I don't even need a mirror to apply flawlessly, thanks to the precise doe-foot applicator. 3) The rich mulberry pigment is long-lasting, even with drinking several cups of almond chai. 4) The name reminds me of my favorite Michael Jackson record."
Shantel Rousseau
What She Does:
Style, Travel & Beauty blogger / YouTuber
What She Wears:
Why She Loves It:
"I'm pretty exclusive to either Red or Nude lips and, in the winter, it's no different. I like to give it more depth during the cooler season by opting for a richer red than a typical bright one. 'Icon' is one I've been using for 7+ years!"
Africa Miranda
What She Does:
Actress / Spokesmodel / Founder of Beauty by Africa Miranda
What She Wears:
Why She Loves It:
"I LOVE a dark lip in the winter. 'Media' gives great coverage and doesn't dry out your lips, which is a huge plus in the cold. I also love that it is both edgy and glamorous."
Leila Noelliste
What She Does:
Founder of Blackgirllonghair.com & BGLH marketplace
What She Wears:
Why She Loves It:
"I rarely ever wear makeup. And that isn't, like, a stance or anything. It's because I never learned. But 2017 was the year I decided to step out of my comfort zone, and that included doing a photoshoot in my new Bed Stuy storefront. My publicist asked how I wanted my makeup to look, so I browsed Tumblr and saw a woman wearing this beautiful shade of maroon. I instantly knew that was what I wanted. When the MUA arrived, she brought a bunch of maroon lippies and I picked 'Goldie' by Colourpop. When the pictures came back, I was amazed at how incredible I looked!"
Camara Aunique
What She Does:
Celebrity Makeup Artist & Beauty Expert
What She Wears:
"#NoFilter" by AJ Crimson Beauty
Why She Loves It:
"The color works on all women of color! It's the perfect nude that lasts and keeps your lips conditioned, oh, and it's perfect for kissing!"
Ylorie Taylor
What She Does:
Vice President at Eden Bodyworks
What She Wears:
"Oh Lady" and "High Drama" by MAC
What She Does:
"As a working wife and mom with a very full life, when I have the opportunity to get glam, I allow the makeup artist to make me her palette. I trust her judgement to bring my lips to life! I am always pleasantly surprised at the final look and very appreciative because it accentuates me so well. I rarely wear makeup, but when 'in front of the camera' work calls or a special occasion arises, I make sure to treat myself to a glam session. It's just one more way I take care of me (#selfcare) to put my best foot forward."
Kéla Walker
What She Does:
TV Host / Producer Style Authority
What She Wears:
"Bawse Lady" by The Lip Bar & "Berry" by Kami Cosmetics
Why She Loves It:
"I'm never without a red lipstick. I love it year-round. It's a part of my signature style but, in the colder months, I prefer it to be a little deeper, with a warm undertones like 'Bawse Lady.' Save the bright reds with cooler undertones for the warmer month.
"There's nothing like layering on a deep plum color in the winter. This oxblood berry color provides just the right amount of warmth to the season's cool styles and trends. I love wearing the dark bold color with neutral tones for a great contrast. I also love the edge it gives any look. Either way you pick it, both colors require you to wear in confidence."
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Originally published January 7, 2018
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Being a bridesmaid. In some ways, I don’t know if there’s a tighter line to walk than being happy for a friend who has found her bae for life while you’re trying to figure out if and when your own time will come.
Well, since June, September and October (which are all steadily on their way) continue to be the most popular months for jumping the broom — if you are a lot like Corina (Javicia’s character in the movie) and you’re wondering if you’re gonna be purchasing bridesmaids dresses for others without a wedding gown for yourself for the rest of your life, here are a few things that I certainly hope you will keep in mind — things that I hope will cause you to see being a bridesmaid in the best light possible.
1. Bridesmaids Are “Marriage Cheerleaders.” That’s a Dope Thing.
GiphyIf you’re in a relationship that looks like it’s headed towards marriage, please check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry.'” As a marriage life coach, a marriage registry is actually something that I recommend engaged couples to have because it’s all about cultivating a support team for various areas of your marriage — and y’all, that’s basically what bridesmaids are. They’re not just a group of women who look cute in a dress at a wedding; they are individuals who have agreed to stand by a bride’s side as she shifts into becoming a wife.
Hmph. Don’t get me started on why, when it comes to selecting bridesmaids, it really shouldn’t be about your history with them so much as the relationship that they have with you and your soon-to-be husband in the present because, if they can’t have your marriage’s back, they really should be in the audience (if they are there at all).
For now, in order to stay on topic, I’ll just say that the best way to look at the role of a bridesmaid is to compare them to a cheerleader. Cheerleaders are individuals who are there to encourage teams in an enthusiastic and optimistic kind of way. And honestly, when someone you care about asks you to serve in this capacity on their wedding day, it’s an honor because they trust that you are happy for them, that you are in agreement with their decision and that you will keep them inspired and motivated well beyond the day that they say, “I do.”
And people who are in this type of head and heart space for someone else? How could good karma not come their way? Because when you know how to be thrilled for other people’s blessings, the universe finds a way of rewarding you for your selflessness.
Let’s keep going.
2. Weddings Ain’t Marriages. Marriages Ain’t Weddings. A Bride and Wife Are Not (Exactly) the Same.
GiphyHow many times have I said, somewhere, that while big expensive weddings ain’t personally my thing, if that’s what folks want to do, I certainly ain’t gonna knock it because, once the wedding day is over, that’s when the real work — which I prefer to see as maintenance (check out “Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.”) — truly begins. Sadly, when it comes to this, some folks don’t have a clue.
Whew, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told a woman that a bride is a bride for a day — a wife, though? That’s a whole ‘nother set of responsibilities entirely (which I will elaborate on in just a sec).
My point here? If you’re someone who has a collection of bridesmaid dresses in your closet and the question, “When is it going to be my turn?” is getting louder and louder in your head with every ceremony that you participate in — remember that what you are witnessing is an elaborate party that deserves to be a little over the top. After all, it’s a celebration of the decision that two people made to spend the rest of their lives together.
At the same time, though, never forget that the wedding day itself only lasts for a few hours and, once the festivities are over and they come back from their honeymoon, real life sets in. This means that what you need to really ask yourself is 1) are you caught up in the hype of the wedding, and 2) have you really thought about what is required to make a marriage work — and last. Because chile, although (and thankfully) most of the wives in my space do not regret getting married (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”), what easily 80 percent of them have told me is that they seriously underestimated what the day-to-day of marriage entails.
To further drive this point home, I actually asked five wives to share with me what they think is the difference between being a bride and being a wife.
Wife #1:“It’s selfish to think that your wedding day should be all about you and not your groom — but let’s be real: guys don’t really care about that stuff, and so a lot of the focus is on you, as the bride. If you think that’s what marriage is about, it can make you entitled and selfish. Then, when it’s all over and it’s time to be a wife, you will think that you still should be served all of the time without doing much work. You have to do daily work — every day of your life.”
Wife #2:“If I could do it over, I would have cut back on the wedding planner and put more money into longer premarital counseling because two one-hour sessions ain’t gonna cut it. Brides are hyper-focused on one day without really thinking about what follows. You need some therapy to get your mind right, because when I tell you that marriage will throw you all the way off if you’re not prepared? You have no idea.”
Wife #3:“I have single friends who say that they think they are missing out because they aren’t married. I love my husband and wouldn’t change a thing, but single people are crazy to think that there aren’t some perks to being single. Don’t let that big dress and diamond fool you. If you’re a good wife, you’ve earned them and you will have days and nights when you miss not being single anymore.”
Wife #4:“Being a bride is a fantasy. Being a wife is reality. I don’t have a better way to put it because who dresses up, gets gifts, and dances every single day? As a wife, what you do do every day is compromise, negotiate, and get challenged to become a better person. If you’re not ready for that, keep hanging out on rooftop bars with your single friends. I’m dead serious.”
Wife #5:“A bride is someone who lets the world know that she wants to be a wife. A wife is someone who puts that intent into action. The thing about a bride is she’s that for one day, but a wife has to keep showing up every day of her life for the rest of her life. It’s rewarding, but it takes more out of you than people think. People who envy wedding days usually want the attention, not the commitment.”
This comes from people who have lived it. So yeah, if you’re someone who fantasizes of becoming a wife one day, make sure that you ask yourself if you’re merging bride and wife together without really thinking about the sacrifices that wives make — because, as you can see, there are many, chile.
3. Every Relational Status Has Pros…and Concessions
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard someone say that you shouldn’t get too invested in the relationship goals that you see on social media. The main reason why is because most IG posts show you the good times without also sharing the blood, sweat, and tears that were required to make those times possible. Hmph. Not to mention the fact that every single relational status has its own pros and extreme compromises — and when it comes to compromising, when you’re married, because two people are involved, that is definitely the case.
I mean, as a single person, just think about it — you can take a trip without running it by someone else; you can spend money without consulting another person; you can make both little and large decisions without seeing how someone else feels about it; you can move without worrying about how it will directly affect another individual; you don’t have to divide your personal time unless you absolutely want to; there aren’t people who you have to be around, simply to make another person happy, and you don’t have to “meet in the middle” when it comes to certain values, goals or even traditions.
Listen, back when I wrote articles like, “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single,” I did it to remind as many people as I possibly can that as a marriage life coach, I will be the first to say that a healthy marriage is all kinds of awesome; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that being single ain’t super bomb too.
It’s all in how you choose to look at things. How are you?
4. Envy Is Love’s Enemy (Across the Board)
GiphyAlthough there’s no solid data on the percentage of bridesmaids who are jealous or envious of the bride on her big day, trust and believe that there is plenty of content out in cyberspace that addresses it. One forum that I checked out talked about a bride who had to deal with a bridesmaid who told her that she was jealous about not being selected to be the maid of honor.
An article featured the story of three friends (who honestly seemed low-key toxic prior to the wedding) who refused to be happy for the bride during her four-day wedding event. Another forum talked about a sister who was so consumed with wanting to be engaged that she was flippantly dismissive about her sister’s upcoming nuptials.
Ugh. Ugh to all of this because, although it’s understandable that you may want something that someone else has (we all do sometimes, if we’re gonna be completely real about it), one of the ugliest things about jealousy (the fear of losing what you have) and envy (being caught up in what someone else has) is they cause you to put all of the focus on you…even when it is completely the wrong place and wrong time to do so.
Since a single person doesn’t have a husband, what I am going to focus on (most) for this point is envy; especially since even the Good Book tells us that love doesn’t do that (I Corinthians 13:4).
Symptoms of being an envious person?
- You either don’t know how to or refuse to celebrate others
- You’re hypercritical of other people’s choices or decisions
- You spread false information in order to cause discord or confusion about other folks
- You give disingenuous or backhanded compliments
- You try to downplay the goodness and success of other people
All of this is pretty ugly, right? Hmph, no wonder the Bible says that envy can’t be present wherever love is. All of this actually reminds me of a quote that says something along the lines of “Envy is counting someone else’s blessings more than your own.” It also reminds me of a 10th Commandment (Exodus 20:17) which tells us not to covet, which not only means “to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others,” it also means “to wish for, especially eagerly.”
What’s a trip about coveting is that while it can mean that you want someone else’s groom (please don’t), it can also mean that you are so eager that you end up making reckless decisions, all because you envy what someone else has, in general. Listen, I’ve had a wife say to me before that the loneliest night in bed as a single woman beats a bad marriage any day. Again, as someone who has worked with married couples for well over 20 years at this point, I couldn’t agree more.
Don’t envy. It gets you absolutely nowhere…good.
5. Everyone’s Love Story Is Unique. Do Not Compare.
GiphyThere’s a Black-owned T-shirt and sweatshirt company called Lake + Prosper that features two tees that I think amplify my final point exquisitely well. One says, “My goal is to outdo me, not y’all,” and the other says, “own lane. own race. own pace.” At the end of the day, what both of these remind us all to do is not compare ourselves to others — this includes when it comes to our love story.
See, what else you’ve also got to keep in mind is when it comes to each person’s romantic relationship journey, there are SO MANY FACTORS that come into play — including timing. And timing is something that you really don’t have any control over (other than making sure that you do what you know needs to be done). And that’s why comparing the brides whose weddings you’ve been in to your own situation is, well, it reminds me of a quote on comparing by Iyanla Vanzant that I like a lot: “Comparison is an act of violence against the self.”
She ain’t lyin’ either because many mental health experts are quick to say that comparing yourself to other people is not only counterproductive but basically futile because it evokes negativity, causes you to feel inadequate, can make you want to beat yourself up, triggers feelings of resentment and it can make you put unrealistic pressure and expectations on yourself.
And gee—how is that good for your relationship with your soon-to-be married friends, how does that improve your relationship with your own self and also, how does that prepare you for the relationship that you will have with the love of your life…when everything that is necessary aligns and says that the time is right? IT. DOESN’T.
In an article that I once read on comparing, the author said something that is oh so very right: “By comparing ourselves to others we’re negating our own road and demanding that the past be different than what it was. The demands we place on ourselves to be like those we’re comparing ourselves may sometimes be motivations for change, however they are more likely to lead to feelings of diminished self-worth.”
Bottom line, as tempting as it may be sometimes, comparing works against you, not for you. Choose to celebrate, not compare.
____
Listen, being sick and tired of always being on the side of the bride instead of being beside your own groom can be human sometimes. I won’t take that away from you. Just make sure that you choose to keep certain facts in perspective: that just because it’s not your turn, that doesn’t mean your time isn’t coming; that negative feelings keep you further from what you desire, and that every person you care about who gets married before you deserves all of the love, encouragement and joy from you that they should reciprocate when your time comes. Stay positive. It’s good karma.
That said, instead of hating the thought of wearing another bridesmaid dress, determine to be fly as ever.
It’s one day closer to what you ultimately desire for yourself.
And a reminder that it can happen.
When and how it should.
Amen? Amen.
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