

Sooooo, I'm just gonna put it right on out there from front street. This is not the kind of article that you skim real quick while you're supposed to be working or you take in during your lunch break if you're already not in the best of moods. The reason why I say that is because it's been both my personal experience and observation that whenever we, as adults, dig into our childhoods, it can touch on some spots that may still be wounded or cause us to respond or react in ways that we didn't expect. So, if just hearing that has already resonated with you, please wait until you're in a place and mental space where you can freely and safely take all of this in.
That said—whew—I think it's time that some of us dive into what it means to have real and significant mama issues. Because I'm pretty sure that it's not just me who can relate to the fact that oftentimes, when we're trying to heal from our past, it's the daddy issues that tends to come up a lot, both in the media and in conversation. Oh, but sis, if you had a broken, abusive or dysfunctional-on-some-level kind of mother, you might be surprised by how much that affected and infected you to some degree.
For instance, far too often, when I'm in a session with a couple, I realize that a lot of the drama and trauma is directly the result of a woman (and yes, sometimes a man but we're gonna deal with us today) who didn't have the best kind of mother when she needed one the most. That's the sad part. The silver lining is, once you recognize that as being a core issue, you can seek the help and healing that you need.
So, are you ready to (possibly) take some Band-Aids off today? Here are seven signs that you may have some mommy issues that are still haunting your world right at this very moment—and maybe didn't even realize it. Until now.
1.You Hate Men (Because Your Mama Did/Does)
I'm over it. I really am. It's like, whenever I do tiptoe out into social media, it seems like a good 40 percent of posts from Black women that I see are how "trash" men are. After a while, I start to wonder if that's all some women think about. And while, the first thing that comes to mind is, "What is your relationship with your dad like?", I've gotta say that the follow-up is usually, "How did your mom talk about men while you were growing up?" because just like a child isn't born, say, a racist, children also don't come out of the womb hating a gender either.
The reality is that none of us exist without an egg (woman) and sperm (man). Both make up who we are and both hold much validity. If even just hearing that makes your skin crawl, spend some time thinking about what your mother told/taught you about men because, while it happens sometimes, it's rare that I know an instance where a woman hates men and her parents don't have something directly to do with it.
Trust me, there is nothing beneficial or even attractive about making it your personal mission to tear men—especially Black men—down. If you've been hurt by one, therapy can help with that. But joining in the blood sport of publicly denouncing and belittling men—again, especially Black men—may be popular but it's still not a good look and it certainly does nothing for your romantic relationship or you as a parent if you happen to be raising a son. Or even a daughter, when you really stop to think about it.
2.You Control Others (Because Your Mama Controlled You)
I can raise my hand in this class right here because I grew up with a controlling mother. I think a big part of the reason it played out that way is because she was raised in an out-of-control household. When that happens, oftentimes it causes us to become so scared of losing control as adults that we basically try and rule over everything around us. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized that as much as I loathed her controlling ways, that some of that indeed had rubbed off on me. Because I am a very direct and pretty black-and-white kind of person when it comes to how I approach life, that already is…a lot. Add control to that dynamic and it can make you a pretty challenging person to deal with.
Remember Angela from the Tyler Perry Why Did I Get Married? movies? I believe it was the sequel when she said something about her husband along the lines of, "I don't want to control him; I just want him to do what I say." That's my mother in a nutshell. In some ways, she still has controlling tendencies and I'm in my 40s. It has taken many years for me to break that cycle within myself and learn that folks can make their own choices, have the right to their own boundaries and don't always need my input about either point.
If you're not sure if you're a controlling person or not, ask some of the people closest to you. If they exhale and then nod their head up and down, try and avoid getting defensive. Instead, hear them out. If you hated being controlled as a child, imagine how the people around you feel about you trying to run them on some level when they are adults. Controlling is a form of abuse. Break free from it.
3.Your Mouth Is Super Slick (Because Your Mama Talked Crazy)
This one right here, boy. I'm a woman and even I must say that something that drives me totally up the wall is a woman who feels like she can say whatever to whomever and then, when she gets some of what she dished served back, here comes all of the tears and self-victimization; in a nutshell, manipulation. If you've got a slick mouth, you should be able to handle it when it's served back at you. And yet, what's the need for being like that in the first place? Real talk.
I think it's insane that this crazy world we live in has so many of us out here acting like femininity (cue Eric Benet's song "Femininity") is some sort of degrading word. Hmph. One day we'll talk about how white feminism plays a huge role in the breakdown of the Black community. For now, I'll just say that if you know you can be harsh, even when it isn't really warranted and your attitude about it has always been "That's just the way that I am", do some reflecting on that point. Are you sure?
Oftentimes, the energy that we give others is based on the energy that was displayed to us when we were young. If your mom was always loud and abrasive, borderline insulting or always had something slick and somewhat disrespectful to say (because children can be disrespected by adults too), even if you didn't like it, it's still all that you knew. And we often do what we see.
I always liked that the Bible said that women are supposed to have a "quiet and gentle spirit" (I Peter 3:4). Uh-huh. The fact that some of y'all don't even like that is weird because what's wrong with being peaceful and non-abrasive? Goodness. Me? I have a naturally loud tone to my voice. Yet once my spirit settled, my delivery became very different than it once was. It's one thing to be witty or quick with comebacks. It's another thing for folks to feel exhausted in your presence. If it's the latter, what was your mom's mouth like back in the day? You might be surprised by how much you picked up, without even really realizing it.
4.You’re Hard on Others (Because Your Mama Was Hard on You)
No patience? No grace? No understanding? Always having to talk over others? Constantly thinking that you are right? A gaslighter? A spiritual manipulator? Taking on a one-and-done mentality? If this is you, you're pretty hard on people. And if that is the case, where exactly did that come from? If some of us are real with ourselves, this was exactly how our mother was and so, since she is our first introduction to how a woman is supposed to be, a lot of us grew up thinking that her toxic actions defined womanhood. It takes quite a bit of looking-outside-of-yourself research to understand what is healthy and what is counterproductive when it comes to being a mature, thriving and balanced woman.
We live in a world where mercy and grace are almost on the endangered species list. If you don't seem to have much of it for other people, could it be that your mother didn't have much of it for you? It's a hard pill to swallow yet a total game-changer if you ponder this point long and hard.
5.You Hold Grudges and Can’t Forgive (Because Your Mama’s Like That)
Something that my mother would say to me while growing up is when you divorce someone who you had children with, you oftentimes feel like you're living with a ghost because the child can sometimes have so many of your ex's characteristics (umm, that is how DNA works). I know, straight up, that this was a direct point of contention with me and my mother because while I am like her in some ways, I'm also a lot like my late father. Oftentimes, I got punished, unjustifiably so, because of it. And even as an adult, I would still hear slick ish about my dad from her.
When a person can't fully forgive another individual, that typically leads to a grudge and a grudge leads to bitterness and all kinds of walls going up that folks think others should have to scale in order to "prove themselves". This is why forgiveness is so important because you can find yourself either in some pretty toxic dynamics or ultimately alone because no one wants to have to make up for stuff that wasn't their fault to begin with.
Forgiveness is a biblical principle (Matthew 6:14-15). There are also plenty of articles that speak to how beneficial it is, health-wise. If you're someone who has a hard time forgiving or you feel like folks have to basically kill themselves to get in your good graces (again), is that how your mother modeled forgiveness to you? Is that how you had to earn her forgiveness? Children tend to be extremely merciful beings. If as an adult, you aren't that way, something's up. What is it?
6.You’re Scared to Become a Mother (Because of How Your Mama Treated You)
My journey to healing as it relates to my own mother has been a roller coaster ride. Some things you don't "get over", you just find ways to deal with. Anyway, I've been open about the fact that I've had four abortions before. I remember my mother once calling me, out of the blue, to say that she apologized for the role that she played in them. I found that to be pretty humbling and insightful on her part because while it was ultimately my decision, because of so much that had transpired in my childhood, I must admit that a part of me was fearful to carry a child to term because I thought the generational curse of abuse would affect my own babies too.
Listen, I am in my mid-40s and while I still have a cycle and have been told that I could still conceive if I want to, I want to be married first. Plus, I personally don't want to be an older parent (more because of what some of my friends with older parents have to deal with in the here and now). I'm pretty sure my womb is closed. I am at peace.
However, if you're someone who does desire children deep down, yet you're making choices that are taking you further away from your want to be a mom (you're choosing the wrong men, you're not proactively preparing for motherhood, etc.), this is another sign that you could very well have mama issues. The way to figure it out is to reflect on what your mom did well as a parent and what she didn't. If the cons outweigh the pros, figure out how to work through that because, while your mother did indeed influence you, she is not you. You can heal and become a great mother. Don't let fear of what someone else did stand in the way. OK?
7.This Triggered TF Outta You. Because.
Lately, I've been listening to some men's podcasts on women. What's a trip to me is whenever female guests come on, a lot of them get super defensive when the guys talk about what they need in a relationship and what they don't like that some women do. While sometimes it can be hard to hear, I don't personalize it because there's nothing to get angry about. Where it applies to me, I appreciate their input (because I wanna grow); where it doesn't, why get triggered? It's not my issue.
Comparing that to this article, any of what I shared has caused you to get angry, put you on edge or really hit you in your gut, ask yourself why that is the case. Because, at the end of the day, this piece had little to do with us and more to do with our mamas. If you do see yourself anywhere in here, you've got time to make some changes. If you see your mother in here, pray on and meditate about if it's a conversation worth having with her. If none of this applies, girl, give thanks. A healthy childhood consists of healthy parents and when you have healthy parents, you've got a far greater chance at being a healthy adult who creates healthy kids too.
Daddies? They catch a lot of hell out here. Yet they didn't make us alone. Getting free from various mommy issues can make all of the difference in the world. Please make sure that you do, OK? For your sake and the sake of those who love you…now that you are your own person. An adult.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Mercury Retrograde In Leo Horoscopes: Your Sign’s Survival Guide
Another Mercury retrograde is here, and it is time to take a step back and process. This is the second out of the three Mercury retrogrades happening this year, and it will be occurring in the sign of Leo. Mercury has been in Leo since June 26 and will be retrograde from July 17 through August 10, and will remain in Leo before entering Virgo on September 2.
When Mercury is retrograde in Leo, we tend to take things a little more personally, and this Mercury retrograde is a reminder that in order to recognize the love and support we are looking for from others, we must first recognize it within us.
What To Know About Mercury Retrograde In Leo
With this Mercury retrograde happening in Leo, Leos, and fellow fire (Aries and Sagittarius) and fixed signs (Taurus and Scorpio) are going to be feeling this transit the most. This Mercury retrograde will highlight how you want to show up in the world, and if what you are presenting is what you feel authentically within you. Mercury in Leo says, speak your mind and own your voice.
Mercury retrograde in Leo, however, asks what the message you are trying to get across is in the first place, and if you are advocating for yourself enough in the process.
A rule of thumb during Mercury retrograde is to hold off on signing any important contracts or committing to something long-term, to be more careful with transportation and travel matters, and to make sure you have everything backed up when it comes to your electronics. Communication matters are the most affected while Mercury is retrograde, and it’s important to be more patient with others, give more grace, and have a sense of humor here.
Mercury Retrograde In Leo Horoscopes By Zodiac Sign
Overall, Mercury retrograde in Leo is all about self-reflection and honoring your voice with courage and conviction. You don’t have to be perfect to show up, and the person you are today is the person who is deserving of love, recognition, and support. Live your truth and shine your light, and don’t worry about whether others can see the light you have already found within yourself. It’s time to just be, show up, and let go of what doesn’t feel authentic to you.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what this Mercury retrograde has in store for you.
ARIES
With this Mercury retrograde happening in a fellow fire sign, things are hitting home for you right now, Aries, and there is a lot to process right now. Your heart wants to communicate its growth, but you can feel like your love is being misunderstood during this time as well. Your guidance for this Mercury retrograde is to recognize yourself as the powerful, valuable, and loved being you are, and to show up in life as the person you want to be seen as. It’s time to pick your head up, remember who you are, and prepare for new experiences in love to bloom from this time.
TAURUS
This Mercury retrograde is about emotionally rejuvenating, Taurus. You are ready to let go of some restrictions and limitations that have been weighing heavily on your heart, and you are taking a look at what foundations you have built that may need some reshaping right now. Dynamics change, relationships shift, people move, and it’s all about recognizing what you need to feel safer and secure in your surroundings. Your heart is open to a new beginning right now, and this energy is going to serve you well through this Mercury retrograde. Overall, it’s time to rebuild, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury is officially retrograde, and it’s time to go a little slower when it comes to communication, Gemini. Take your time in getting your message across, and make sure to gather all the details before making any important decisions. Mercury is your ruling planet, so whenever it is retrograde, you feel its impact a little more strongly than most; however, this time around, you have more support surrounding you, helping you through this. This retrograde is clearing the way for new ideas and creative intentions to come forth, and it’s time to own your power of creation, Gemini.
CANCER
This Mercury retrograde is here to remind you how valuable you are, Cancer. It’s helping you remember your gifts in this life, and the gift you are to others. Financially, this is the time to look over everything thoroughly and to make sure you are not making any impulsive financial moves for the time being. Old financial efforts or opportunities may be coming around for you again, however, and you might just find yourself in a better position to take them on. Overall, this Mercury retrograde for you is about being confident in yourself and what you are asking for right now, and knowing that your dreams are coming true in the exact timing and way they are meant to.
LEO
The second Mercury retrograde of the year is happening in your sign, and you are gaining the insight you have been looking for, Leo. When Mercury is retrograde in your sign, it’s time to take a step back and look at the different options presenting themselves. You are needing to readdress some old plans or initiatives, and you are getting to know yourself better in the process. This Mercury retrograde is an important moment of self-awareness for you, and you are feeling wiser and more in tune with the direction you are heading at the end of the transit. Practice self-love, and remember who you are.
VIRGO
This Mercury retrograde is asking you to go with the flow, Virgo. You are making some important achievements around the time of this retrograde, but are needing some space to fully grasp it all. Celebrations may feel like they are on hold, and you are getting a lot of time away to yourself right now. This Mercury retrograde is about healing the soul, letting go of old baggage, and allowing yourself to fully own the progress you have made emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When life feels unsure, there is one thing you can still be sure of and that is yourself. Look at the bigger picture over the next few weeks, and give yourself the time to do so.
LIBRA
This Mercury retrograde is bringing things full circle for you, Libra. You are embarking on an opportunity to get clearer on your support systems and sense of community, and dynamics are shifting when it comes to your friendships in life. You are looking at things with an open heart and mind, and creating space for new developments, resonance, and abundance to enter your world. This retrograde isn’t necessarily holding you back, rather, you are becoming more aware of what is already in front of you and the gifts you have manifested for yourself.
SCORPIO
It’s all about keeping the balance right now, Scorpio. This Mercury retrograde is highlighting your career and professional zone, and you are thinking a lot about how you are presenting yourself to the world, what you want to be known for, and the type of feedback you need. You are in a space of contemplation and may not be feeling the need to put all your energy out there or to make your ideas known right now. This retrograde is about giving yourself the opportunity to get clearer on your goals and professional intentions, and to gain the confidence and courage needed to take them on.
SAGITTARIUS
This Mercury retrograde is opening your eyes to what your heart needs right now, Sagittarius. You are connecting the dots and looking at things with a different perspective, creating more opportunities for connection and adventure. With Mercury retrograde in your house of travel over the next few weeks, extra precaution is needed on said adventures, however, there are a lot of opportunities for expansion ahead of you right now. It’s all about allowing yourself to receive what you have been looking for, and knowing that you are ready to. You have already done the work, and now it’s time to believe in what you are asking for from the world.
CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde feels a little more intense for you, but it’s the exact pressure you need to see things in a new light, Capricorn. Your focus is on communication, mental growth, and awareness of the things you have been putting off for another day, and it’s time to get things in order. A lot is coming to the forefront in your life during this retrograde and some important decisions are needing to be made, but you have learned the lessons needed in order to make the right decision for yourself right now. Things have been changing for you drastically this summer, and this retrograde is helping you see why.
AQUARIUS
Your guidance for this Mercury retrograde is to be kind to yourself and your heart, Aquarius. With this retrograde playing out in your opposite sign, you may feel a little bit at odds with where you find your heart right now. Relationship dynamics are shifting, and there is a sense of not feeling as understood as you need to be. This Mercury retrograde is here to highlight what your heart has been looking for and what may be in the way from feeling it. It’s a chance to regroup, find your balance, and to prioritize what is truly important to you in life.
PISCES
This Mercury retrograde is a wake-up call for you, Pisces. It’s examining where you need to shift the focus within health matters and the importance of prioritizing your well-being more. If you have been overworking yourself or exerting more of your time and energy than you have, than this retrograde will be highlighting the need to slow down. Getting more rest and downtime is essential now, and it’s all about knowing what you can say yes to and what you can’t.
Your well-being is the priority during this transit and this Mercury retrograde is guiding you in the direction towards good health and a daily routine that works for you no matter what is happening in your life.
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