Office romances are nothing new, and it makes sense that they'd be something attractive to professionals since we spend a significant amount of our time at work. Recent research has found that more than 60% of adults have had a workplace romance, but I think that number is probably a bit higher, considering that another survey found that 35% don’t report their relationship to their employer. I've also known of many secret rendezvous between folk who work together.
I have to be honest with you, considering a workplace fling, romance, or full-on relationship with someone I work with is a hard no for me. I once hooked up with a guy in my industry while traveling for work, and while we weren't coworkers, we held leading roles in the same city—where the professional circles at a certain level are super-small. (We're talking New York City's Black media scene here).
Things got a bit awkward when I'd see him at events and he'd expect this big, adoring greeting when I really just wanted to move on as if nothing happened. I'd literally act like we never met. Call me savage but at the time, I was in my 20s, he was a bit older, and it was just what it was: a one-time sneaky link. I never called him after he gave me his number, so I thought he got the hint.
I'd always cringe when seeing him at events, thinking, "Has he told anybody about what happened, blowing it up like it was something it wasn't? What if he's a leader on a project or partnership between our two companies, and we actually have to work together? Is he gossiping about me with other men at my company? What if he retaliates in some way since I'd ghosted him after the hook-up?"
Since that day, with all those fears swirling around in my head for a night in bed that was mediocre at best, I made an official rule never to date anybody I work with or anybody in my industry for that matter. Here are a few other good reasons it's just not a good idea:
1. Cheaters abound when it comes to workplace romances.
There's actual research that found that 40% of professionals admitted to cheating on their current partner with a coworker. Funny enough, remember the thirsty guy in the aftermath of the hook-up I mentioned earlier? Just a few years later, I stumbled upon one of his social media updates—a photo of him and his wife—with a "Happy Anniversary" message in the caption. (And the math was indeed mathing. Based on the number attached to the anniversary, he was very married at the time we hooked up, something I had no knowledge of.)
Some men move real weird because right after our little experience, homeboy was literally acting like he didn't have a whole spouse at home, almost appalled that I wasn't interested in sparking anything continuous with him.
Now, I'm not saying all married men cheat on their wives with coworkers, but again, I've known of and personally witnessed this in the workplace. Someone I know is very happily married now, but when she was dating someone she worked with, they both were in relationships. There are also widely publicized accounts of cheating spouses, with one very prominent coming to mind for me involving BET co-founder Bob Johnson and former BET CEO Debra Lee.
2. I want to keep my professional integrity in tact.
I've always been a boys' girl, and I've been privy to some very interesting, eye-opening things men can say about women coworkers. Much of what I'd overhear would be enough for me never to participate in a workplace romance. As much as many of us think women are chatty, men gossip all the same, and trust me, he's telling somebody at the job about whatever it is he and Suzy from Accounting are doing.
I'm really big on protecting the integrity of my reputation as a leading woman in my profession, especially considering how difficult it is for Black women to be respected in certain spaces. We already face enough challenges with being taken seriously, feeling comfortable using our voices, and getting noticed for promotions without adding a certain air of scandal.
And I certainly don't like the idea that someone could attribute the totality of my success to the mere act of sleeping with a man I work with, which is something that has happened to many successful women who actually worked hard, have the skills and talent, and just happened to fall in love with someone on the job. Not all women are sleeping around to get ahead, but the mere possibility somebody could think that about me reinforces why I choose not to mix business and pleasure.
3. I take breakups very hard, thus I don't want to have a meltdown that impacts my livelihood.
I'm a long-term commitment type of girl nowadays, and when relationships end, after I've invested years, I'm always super-sad and need quite a bit of time and space to heal. I'd hate to be going through that process while having to see and work with the same person I'm heartbroken over, whether we broke up because of something they did or because I ended it.
More research has found that people dating someone they work with experience a 17% increase in fear over a potential breakup. Fear can lead to “a heightened sense of anxiety surrounding the outcome of their relationship.”
I really don't have time to be processing through feelings of failure and emotional distress while trying to avoid any interactions with an ex at work. I need my me-time to get through my breakup feels in peace.
4. I like to be noticed and acknowledged alone, not competing in the shadow of a coworker or boss I'm dating.
Listen, the Capricorn in me is not only ambitious but loves a good accolade and acknowledgment. I work hard, take myself and my work very seriously, and really don't prefer my greatness being overshadowed by a boss or coworker I share a bed with. Again, men already have a certain advantage in the workplace (oftentimes a very undeserving one), whether it's pay, promotions, or a simple public thank you in a meeting.
I've often found that even dating men outside my industry—whose work has absolutely nothing to do with what I do for a living and doesn't nearly compare in terms of duties, salary, or prestige—there's still an ego battle. If I have to work late, attend conferences, or travel, there's always a bit of questioning, jealousy, or resentment, sometimes resolved with a candid conversation or via a breakup.
I like being in a relationship where my man's accolades are his own, and neither of us competes with the other. The media industry is super-competitive, and again, men have an advantage. Sleeping with resentment and envy is something even the most humble loving man might do simply to save face.
Dating someone in my industry or at my job is simply something I don't find rewarding nor worth the risk, and I think I've been able to sustain healthy relationships because of the boundary I've set never to do it.
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For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
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Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Between the election cycle, trauma, workplace environment, and expectations placed upon us by society, Black women are existing in a world where our lived experiences result in higher rates of chronic stress. In tandem with that reality, are Black women leading the charge in the wellness industry for a world that centers our health and wellness needs, but who cares for those leaders and supports them?
Oftentimes, they do the work themselves. xoNecole talked with several wellness founders who own adaptogenic beauty brands, intergenerational wellness collectives, nonprofit organizations, and wellness apps. Here's what they shared about how they center themselves when emotions are high and they feel dysregulated.
Remind Myself I Deserve A Calm Nervous System
"A year ago, I made a decision that I refused to be in a constant state of anxiety while running a wellness company. You're probably thinking that should be a given, right? But it's so easy to become overwhelmed by your business's daily responsibilities and overall growth goals and ultimately put your needs on the back burner. What regulates me and brings me back to myself are the daily habits that gave me the life and community I have now—starting my day with prayer and exercise, swimming weekly, baths by candlelight, listening to neo-soul and jazz to end my day.
"But most importantly, I've learned to remind myself that when I feel overwhelmed, I deserve a calm nervous system. I don't have to let every change, every decision, every obstacle, every uncomfortable conversation rattle me. I ground myself in that and remind myself daily that being dysregulated doesn't serve me."
Music, Scents, & Breathwork
"As a founder, it's easy to 'push through' and ignore your true emotional state because you're on a mission. But my true purpose is to live well and show others that we all deserve to live well. Music, scent, and breathwork are my most frequently used tools for emotional regulation. Music can get me through anything. Scents—whether they be perfume, diffused oils, or candles—ground me. Breathwork saves me from spiraling. My practices are extremely simple, but they work for me."
Time to Myself
"As a wellness founder, I regulate myself emotionally on a daily basis by putting on my favorite record, taking a hot shower, watching my favorite show, and eating foods that comfort me. It honestly depends on the day, but generally, it's whatever will bring me joy for a moment and allow me to zone out. I really need that time to myself—to just be—in order to pour back into my community."
"By challenging myself to view my negative anxious thoughts with self-compassion and grace, I create space to validate the way I feel but reframe the thought to be more balanced and supportive. Example: 'I can't believe I dropped the ball on that' after being challenged and reframed turns into 'Baby girl, you are trying the best you - remember you only have only two hands.' Or, 'I failed' turns into 'Sis, you tried.'"
Moving My Body
"One way I emotionally regulate as a wellness founder is through movement. I spent about five years doing talk therapy, and I made a lot of breakthroughs, but now, in my 30s and this era in my life, I realize how much stagnant energy is really just a matter of me literally moving my body. So exercising, walking, and making sure I'm not sedentary has done wonders for me to ground myself daily. Right now, I'm really enjoying taking sculpt classes, low-impact cardio, and hot yoga. I always feel better after I move my body; it's therapeutic."
Practice What I Preach
"Managing daily stress and anxiety varies for me depending on my personal and professional seasons. My three go-to self-care strategies are reminding myself that rest is productive and actually resting, prioritizing my weekly tasks, and taking a few minutes for breathwork. It's important to me to practice what I encourage others in my community to do."
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Featured image by Rob Kim/Getty Images for Global Connections for Women Foundation or GC4W