

Sometimes, you just know when someone is lying. It doesn't have anything to do with their character, level of integrity, past patterns, body language or anything like that. When it comes to certain topics, based on what comes out of a person's mouth, you automatically know they're not telling the truth.
I don't need a dime to be happy. Lies.
I don't care what anyone thinks (anyone on the planet?!). Lies.
Having an orgasm isn't a big deal to me. Lies you tell.
That last lie? There's a wife who is constantly trying to pull that one over on me. According to her, although she had a very active sex life as a single woman and she's been married for close to two decades now, there's only been one man to give her an orgasm—and that man isn't her husband.
"It's fine, Shellie," she has said to me trying to sound like it's no big deal (the hell you say!). "If you ever get married, you'll realize that you shouldn't always put such an emphasis on sex." (I'm sorry…was that a dig on my relational status?)
Yeeeah. She's not gonna sell me on that. Yes, sex can be good, with or without an orgasm, but I'm not gonna ever act like it's cool nor will I be complacent with being in a sexual relationship where mutual climaxing ain't happenin'. Neither should the wife I just referenced. And you know what? Neither should you (check out "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex to Be" when you get a chance).
If you're sexually active and you've never had an orgasm before, don't feel bad; there are 10-15 percent of other women who haven't as well. In response to that, I've got a few points that you should consider. But if you're like the wife who has been to the mountaintop, just not that often, the following questions should (hopefully) get you to the root of the challenge (if it's about you) or problem (if it's due to where "he" is lackin').
Have You Ever Had an Orgasm Before?
If you've never had an orgasm before, there are a few things to take note of. First, according to a lot of therapists, trouble climaxing is tied to these main issues—age (menopausal women sometimes struggle due to shifts in their hormones); political and religious beliefs (if you come from a very conservative upbringing and/or all you heard about sex was that you'll go to hell if you do it before marriage); whether you are in a fulfilling relationship or not (the safer you feel emotionally, the more likely you are to have an orgasm) and/or whether you are a survivor of sexual trauma or not all play a direct role.
On the physical tip, as far as vaginal orgasms go, the space in between your clitoris and your vaginal opening also plays a part. When the distance between the two are the space between your thumb and your thumb's knuckle, you are far more likely to experience orgasms via intercourse (although only about 30 percent of women can do that). You also need a partner who is going to provide vaginal, oral and genital stimulation. Not one. All three. (That might seem obvious but it's kind of shocking how many women don't receive this triple combo on a regular basis.)
So, if you have never experienced an orgasm before, these are all things that you should ponder before taking anything else into consideration.
Are You Talking About a Vaginal Orgasm Only?
70 percent of women profess to never having a vaginal orgasm from penile stimulation alone. Noted. But as far as climaxing is concerned, there is a whole world of other orgasms to explore. How many? Women can have 11 (at least)—clitoral, G-spot, blended, cervical, nipple and multiple are just a few of 'em.
So, when you say that you can't have an orgasm, I need you to be a little more specific. Do you mean that intercourse doesn't lead to one? Or, is it that, no matter what part of your body is stimulated, nothing seems to be going down? If it's more Column A than anything else, let yourself off the hook some. At least you're actually having some, right?
But if, to you, that is sooooo not the point, positions that could increase your chances of a vaginal orgasm include spooning, the Lotus position (which is basically having sex while sitting up and facing your partner) and reverse cowgirl should be able to help you out. Oh, investing in a sex pillow couldn't hurt either.
How Adventurous Has the Sex Been?
If you can't remember the last time that you had an orgasm, have you ever considered that you might just be…bored? The reason why I say that is because good sex requires a certain amount of spontaneity and creativity. I also say that due to a feature that was published in The Atlantic last February—"Women Get Bored with Sex in Long-Term Relationships". The gist of the article is it isn't so much that certain women aren't able to come so much as they aren't getting the kind of sex that they want. Since (most) men are able to orgasm in five minutes or less, they don't need as much outside-of-the-box thinking as women do. That said, what kind of sex turns you on? Does your partner know that? Has he been going above and beyond to make it happen?
There's another thing that needs to go on record concerning being bored. You could be bored because sex feels like a series of dull repetitious behaviors or you could feel bored because you think your partner is annoying and petty. Both are definitions of boredom. Just something (else) to think about.
Have You Been Getting Wet Enough?
When it comes to a woman having an orgasm, definitely wetter is better. Your diet, it being three days before or three days after your period, stress, breastfeeding (it can sometimes cause your estrogen levels to take a dive), not drinking enough water, certain medications, your body needing at least 20 minutes of foreplay in order to "warm up"—all of these things could be the reason why you're not lubed up enough.
What are the remedies for these things? You could always make your own lubricant (there's a cool recipe here). As far as your diet goes, eating foods with omega-3 fatty acids (like salmon, flaxseeds and seaweed); taking a B-complex and evening primrose oil supplement; cooking with extra-virgin olive oil more often; eating phytoestrogen-rich foods like big cherries, oats and wheat berries will also help. Oh, so does more foreplay including more oral sex since, well, saliva (and sexual stimulation) is involved.
What’s Your Diet Currently Like?
On the heels of mentioning the foods that will help to make you wetter, there are also foods that can increase your chances of having an orgasm altogether. Last January, I penned a list of aphrodisiacs. Two herbal teas that will increase your sex drive include maca and red clover (especially in post-menopausal women).
And then there's what you need to consume a lot less of. I'll give you one guess. Sugar. For starters, it makes you tired, increases stress and lowers testosterone levels in both men and women. And yes, even women need a certain amount of testosterone in their system in order to have a really good time.
How Have You Been Treating Yourself Lately?
Another reason why you may not be having orgasms (or as many as you would like) has nothing to do with sex, your partner or your diet. It has everything to do with you. Women who have off-the-charts sex are women who are open to doing it with the lights on and engaging in dirty talk (both giving and receiving). She will get out of the bed to try it in other locations and, she initiates from time to time too. Sometimes she's in fancy lingerie, sometimes boy shorts and a tank—sometimes, she greets her man butt naked. What all of these things point to is a woman who has a good amount of self-esteem.
There's scientific research to support that there is a direct link between a woman's level of self-esteem and a woman's level of sexual satisfaction. So, if you're looking for a man or sex to make you feel good amount yourself, that's gonna be counterproductive, both in and out of the bedroom. Start with feeling good about yourself…first.
Are Things Good with You and Your Partner?
Once you're in a good space with yourself, you can effectively move on to what's happening (or not happening) between you and your partner. Take simultaneous orgasms, for example. It's so much easier for a couple to pull this off if their mind, body and spirits are totally in sync.
I remember once hearing a pastor say during one of his sermons (good for him for bringing it up too!) that he and his wife have great sex, in part, because he gives her great foreplay before they hit the bedroom. He calls to tell her that he loves her. He brings roses home for "no reason". He cooks dinner and cleans up the kitchen afterwards. After all that, she's more than ready!
All of this reminds me ofThe Cosby Show episode when, while on a romantic getaway, Claire explained to Cliff what she needed in order to feel desirable. Cliff finally caught the memo when he first kissed Claire's hand, her arm, her ear and then he said, "You know something? I love you. Very, very much. It's a privilege to wake up in the morning and see your face. You are my life, and I mean that." Boy, it was on and poppin' in that hotel room after that!
The biggest sex organ is our brain. If your man isn't connecting with you mentally and emotionally, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if that's what's holding things up physically. Hmph. Make sure he gets that memo.
Could You Be Overthinking It?
Speaking of the brain, another thing that could be keeping you from climaxing is performance anxiety. No joke. There are a lot of men who aren't able to maintain erections and women who aren't able to truly and fully let go so that they can climax and it's all because their minds are racing 10 miles per minute. It could be due to thoughts like, "Will my partner think I'm good in bed?" or "What can I do to not make them think about someone else?"
Some of us are notorious for creating full dramas (or horror flicks) in our head, all because we choose to create problems that actually aren't there. If you can't seem to internally handle the issues that are hindering you from enjoying sex, share them with your partner or friend. If that doesn't relieve your stress, you might need to discuss what's troubling you with a reputable therapist. You might look up and realize that the stress and tension that's connected to your job, other relationships, lack of sleep, etc. could be the root cause of what's going on—not your feelings concerning your bedroom performance.
What Has Your Doctor Said?
Speaking of speaking with professionals, as much as I tried to touch on what you can do on your own, if your inability to orgasm has to do with medications or a drastic shift in your hormone levels, there's a pretty good chance that you're not gonna be able to change that without some additional assistance.
To a certain extent, that's good news, because if it is health-related, once you get a full medical work-up, your doctor should be able to diagnose the issue and get you and your body right to where it needs to be. So, if it's been more than a year since you've seen your physician, this is definitely something that you should put on your to-do list.
Are You Rushing the Process?
Good things take time. Orgasms are a really good thing! Between learning about yourself, your partner and figuring out what are turn ons and total turn offs, don't expect things to come together overnight. Also, don't expect sex to be exactly the same every single time.
You can go to Google and see that Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was our ability to have an orgasm (especially a vaginal one). But if you apply these tips, have an unselfish partner and you're patient with the process, you'll find that you're closer to having your mind blown that you think.
Author JD Salinger once said, "A woman's body is like a violin. All that it takes a terrific musician to play it right." I couldn't agree more. Tell your man that I said, from the very bottom of my heart, "Play on, playa…play on!"
Featured image by Getty Images
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
'When You Build It, They Can’t Tell You You Can’t Sit': DJ Miss Milan, Marsai Martin & More Talk Confidence
The Marie Claire Power Play Summit wasn’t just another branded panel event—it was an inspiring, sometimes emotional, and always honest look at what it really takes to rise, thrive, and stay at the top. From Olympians to entrepreneurs, artists to execs, the room was full of powerful women sharing the real stories behind their highlight reels. I walked away moved by their vulnerability, strength, and refusal to dim their light.
Here are some of my favorite takeaways from three standout panels featuring Jordan Chiles, Marsai Martin, and Kandi Burruss.
Leveling Up Your A-Game with Jordan Chiles, Morgan Shaw Parker, Chelsea Fishman, Laura Correnti, and Tabitha Turner-Wilkins
Jordan Chiles
Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play
Olympic gymnast Jordan may have medals and magazine covers to her name, but her mindset is refreshingly grounded. “The day I finally feel pressure,” she said, “will be the day I know there’s still more for me to learn.” For her, joy—not pressure—is the fuel. Her confidence isn’t performative; it’s rooted in family, self-worth, and authenticity.
“Everything I’ve done in my career—tattoos, long nails, rocking my crew at the Olympics—that’s all me. It’s not because someone told me to do it. It’s because I felt confident doing it. And that’s where my ambition comes from: being my authentic self.”
For Morgan Shaw Parker, President & COO of the Atlanta Dream, the conversation around pressure went even deeper. “Legacy work” is how she described her mission—navigating male-dominated spaces, sometimes pregnant and pumping on NFL team planes. “After COVID and George Floyd,” she shared, “it became clear to me: vulnerability is power. You don’t have to show up perfect to lead.”
Chelsea Fishman, founder of Atlanta's first bar dedicated to women’s sports, Jolene Jolene, shared how the haters (especially the Reddit kind) were her confirmation: “All those comments saying it would fail—those were the signs that I was doing something right.” She’s hosted 25+ watch parties already and is building the very community they said would never come.
This panel also touched on ambition, authenticity, and owning your power—both in sneakers and in suits. One of the best mic-drop moments came when the moderator flipped the question: “What if we stopped making ‘power’ a bad word for women?” A nod-worthy reminder that we’re not here to play small.
Making Your Voice Heard with Marsai Martin, Carol Martin, Miss Milan, and Heather McMahan
Marsai Martin
Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play
This panel was a masterclass in staying grounded while growing up—or glamming up—on the global stage. Actress and producer Marsai talked about what it’s like to show up in high-pressure moments when your confidence is low but the world is still watching. From red carpets to long shoot days, she reminded us that even when you’re not at 100%, you still find a way to push through.
“There have been days where I wasn’t feeling the best, but I still had to show up on this carpet. Or it was that time of the month, but I still had to go on set. I just didn’t feel as confident—but it’s about how you take care of yourself in those moments and still keep pushing.”
Her mom and business partner Carol Martin dropped gems about motherhood and mentorship: “It’s like teaching your kid to ride a bike over and over again. Now the bike is a movie or a brand.” That balance between guiding and letting go? Not easy—but essential when you’re raising a mogul and running a company.
“There have been days where I wasn’t feeling the best, but I still had to show up on this carpet. Or it was that time of the month, but I still had to go on set. I just didn’t feel as confident—but it’s about how you take care of yourself in those moments and still keep pushing.”
Miss Milan, Grammy Award-winning DJ and Doechii’s right-hand woman, lit the crowd up with her no-nonsense energy. “I built my own table,” she said. “When you build it, they can’t tell you you can’t sit.” From journaling her dreams to manifesting Grammys, her story is one of resilience and intention—and a whole lot of faith in her own vision.
This panel didn’t shy away from hard truths either: the sadness that can come with success, the fear of fading relevance, the criticism that hits differently when it’s personal. But Marsai said it best: know your why. And let it evolve with you.
The Cost of Starting Your Own Business with Kandi Burruss and Nikki Ogunnaike
Kandi Burruss
Carol Lee Rose/ Getty Images for Marie ClaireKandi doesn’t sugarcoat the grind. From chart-topping songwriter to multi-business entrepreneur, she’s built her empire one risk—and one reinvention—at a time.
“Fear equals failure. If you don’t even try, you’ve failed automatically —and you did it to yourself. I’d rather take a risk and lose money than play it safe and never know what could’ve happened.”
She broke down the real costs of entrepreneurship: money, time, and emotional bandwidth. “You think you’re going to work less when you work for yourself?” she laughed. “You’re going to work more.” For Kandi, mommy guilt and financial setbacks are part of the package—but so is the satisfaction of seeing an idea through.
She opened up about scaling back on her clothing store and temporarily closing the original Old Lady Gang location. “It felt like failure,” she admitted, “but sometimes you have to step back to make things better.” Still, she’s not one to quit. She just pivots—with precision.
One of her most memorable reflections? How her music career hiccup led her to songwriting—ultimately writing the mega-hit “No Scrubs.” That song became the key to a new lane and legacy. “You may think you’re working on one dream,” she said, “but it could open the door to another.”
Also? Kandi wants you to stop emailing her from a Gmail. “You’re doing million-dollar business on a bootleg budget,” she joked. “Invest in yourself. Start with a domain name!”
The Marie Claire Power Play Summit was a powerful reminder that ambition, authenticity, and vulnerability aren’t separate traits—they work in tandem. Whether you’re building a bar, a brand, or a business from scratch, the key is to stay rooted in your voice, your story, and your why.
And if you need a sign to go for it? Consider this your green light.
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Feature image by Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play