Something that I honestly don’t mind doing, for the most part, is aging. Even though I absolutely know that genetics play a huge part in what I’m about to say, as time keeps on moving, I really do get that the more intentional I am about my health, the more I can be a poster child for what looking damn near magnificent at my age can truly be. If anything, the only thing that kind of gets on my nerves (just a lil’ bit) is that I have to proactively stay on top of things that I never had to consider before my 40s decided to show up. One of those things is how sensitive my vagina and vulva seem to be getting.
“Sensitive” in the sense that I can’t just eat whatever and not feel the repercussions down there on some level (check out “Here’s What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Eat LESS Of”). Also, it’s weird, but certain types of underwear seem to make “her” roll her eyes at me, too; I think it’s because, as estrogen levels shift as we get older, vaginal walls and vulvar skin tends to become thinner and more fragile.
The Best Panties for Your Vagina
Factoring all of this in is why, not only do I get new pairs of panties every six months or so, but I also am a bit more particular about the kinds that I buy — these days, cute is still a priority; it’s just that they’ve gotta look good and have some of the specific qualities that I’m about to share with you now. And you know what? Ever since I’ve been more intentional and hypervigilant when it comes to my panty shopping list, my vagina really has been that much happier. She really has.
Now for my top 10 suggestions as far as panty shopping goes, please look for the following.
1. Natural Fibers
Getty Images
For the sake of time and space, I’m going to use “vagina” for both the inner tube that connects your cervix to your vaginal opening (which is actually your vagina) and the outside of your vagina (which is your vulva) quite a bit. Just thought that should go on record to avoid any potential confusion.
That said, something that your vagina needs to do is breathe. That’s why, when it comes to the types of fabric that you should go with when it comes to your vagina, cotton needs to always top the list — well, that or bamboo, which is steadily becoming a fan favorite. That’s because it’s hypoallergenic, sustainable, contains antibacterial and antifungal, and (get this) it doesn’t shrink after several washes.
Another nice option is silk. It feels really soft on your skin, is pretty moisture-wicking (more on that in a sec), and, if you want panties that look and feel a bit more “high-end,” silk can get that done for you without irritating your skin like lace might. As far as synthetic fibers like nylon, polyester, and rayon? Eh, not for everyday wear. Satin is okay, but it really is best for lounging around in or for lingerie (same goes for lace).
As far as actual panty styles go, briefs (any cut), hipsters, bikinis, boy shorts, and mid-rise are wise options. They fit well and give your vagina and butt the space that it needs.
2. Moisture-Wicking
Getty Images
As far as the whole moisture-wicking thing goes, when it comes to your undies and your workout wear, look for items that say that on the package and/or labels. Moisture-wicking simply means that the material is made in such a way that it draws moisture away from your body and onto the outer layer of whatever it is that you have on; as a result, it helps the moisture to dry faster. Your vagina benefits from this because it’s already naturally lubricated and warm down there — so when there is too much moisture, that can make it a breeding ground for vaginal infections if you’re not careful.
If you’re wondering which underwear brands are best as far as moisture-wicking is concerned, Women’s Health can hook you up. Check out their article, “18 Best Moisture-Wicking Underwear, Per Gynecologists And Reviews”.
3. Built-In Gussets
Getty Images
You know that little pocket of fabric that’s on the inside of panties? It wasn’t until I saw a TikTok that featured a woman putting some dollar bills into it (you can get some context here) that I gave it much thought. Well, it’s called a gusset, and what it does is 1) make your panties stronger and 2) help to absorb moisture, so definitely get panties that include them (many thongs don’t, by the way).
Oh, and as far as that lil’ hack that I just mentioned? I’m not sure how you can discreetly get your moola out that way. Plus, money is dirtier than a toilet (which is why some restaurants have shifted to a card-only policy ever since COVID), so…there’s that. If you wanna test the hack out anyway, please wrap the money in a tiny plastic baggie first; just to be on the safe side.
4. Proper Fit
Getty Images
If you’ve ever heard that 80 percent of women wear the wrong size bra,HuffPost recently ran a piece that claims that this finding is still true (get professionally fitted, y’all…it makes all the difference in the world!). And if that many of us aren’t wearing the right size up top, I’m pretty sure that plenty aren’t down below either. One way to know is if the band around your waist or thighs feels too snug. Another is if you can see your panty lines through your clothing.
And here’s the thing — when panties are too snug, they also trap in moisture, which can trigger an infection (if not immediately, eventually). Not only that, but they can irritate your vulva “thanks” (which is really, no thanks) to the friction that tight drawers can create. Sometimes, finding the right panties can be a bit of trial and error. That’s okay. It’s worth it to find the ones that fit you like a glove. I know this firsthand.
5. Ones That Stay Out of Your Butt Crack (No, Seriously)
Getty Images
Thongs can be sexy. I get that. Personally, I can’t see comfortably keeping them on for more than a few minutes, which is why I think they’re a good foreplay option, and that’s about it (#Elmoshrug). Not only that, but they aren’t the most hygienic things in the world. You’ve got this thin piece of fabric that moves in and out of your butt crack, and that makes it easier for fecal matter to shift from your backside to your vagina (no joke). I mean, we’re taught to wipe from front to back, right? Thongs don’t care about that rule. And since there is reportedly one-tenth of a gram of crap in each pair of underwear already…yeah, wear things sparingly. Your vagina is begging you.
6. Stain-Free
Getty Images
We all have “period drawers.” Still, if you’re someone who wears tampons or menstrual cups instead of pads, you really shouldn’t keep those around for more than 3-4 months tops. Although washing them (effectively) should get rid of the bacteria that come from the blood, there’s always a chance that it won’t. So, just to be on the safe side, don’t keep period panties forever simply because you only wear them once a month. Oh, and if you’ve always wondered about if period panties are safe — eh. Many do contain per- and poly-fluoroalkyl substances (PFAS), which are potentially harmful. You can read more about all of that here, here, and here so that you can come to a decision that is truly best for you.
7. Super Dry
Getty Images
There’s nothing wrong with carrying a couple of extra panties along with you, just in case. Personally, I think the move is brilliant because if it’s a really hot day (for instance) and your panties are damp, putting on a fresh and dry pair will significantly reduce the chances of your vagina getting itchy and/or irritated. Yeah, if there’s one top rule for panties that your vagina absolutely adores, DRY ONES are what I’m sure she’s yelling from the very top of her lungs.
8. Not At Night
Getty Images
Any part of your body being covered up for 24 hours at a time, seven days a week, nonstop, is going to cause some problems at some point (which is why some women opt to not wear panties, pretty much…ever; check out “10 Women Told Me Why They Stopped Wearing Panties (And They Don't Regret It)”). This is the reason why it really is a good idea to sleep naked (or at least with no panties on) as often as possible. It gives your vagina some time to literally chill out before it has to go through another, what, at least 12-16 hours of being cooped up on a pair of drawers again.
While we’re here, make sure that your sheets are made out of cotton, bamboo, silk, or some other type of breathable fiber. It’s pretty counterproductive to have no panties on, and yet you’re still sweating because your sheets aren’t moisture-wicking. Feel me?
9. Annual Swap Outs
Getty Images
Listen, if there’s one thing that social media has taught me, it’s that some people have the strangest cleanliness (or lack thereof) habits on the entire planet. That’s why I take certain suggestions, by certain “folks”, with a grain of salt. For instance, even though some people think that panties don’t need an expiration date, I go with others who believe that they absolutely do (for instance, due to what I said about the whole thong thing).
I mean, if changing them a couple of times a day is a good move, why would I want to hold on to discharge, pubic hair and bacteria holders for longer than a year or so? Yeah, treat your vagina and yourself to no less than an annual new panty-shopping excursion. See it as self-maintenance self-love…because it is.
10. Hand-Washed Is Preferred. Because…
Getty Images
If you’ve been on the fence about getting your own washer and dryer, Google articles on how nasty a washing machine (especially) can be — especially one at a public laundromat; it’s literally a breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria. I’ve even read before that one dirty item will easily spread to 90 percent of everything else in the washer. Lawd. That’s why, if you do have your own washing machine, you should clean it every month (some use bleach; I prefer white vinegar). And when it comes to your panties, you may want to go with handwashing them.
Not only will that help to keep the “gunk” in your washer away from your delicates, but you can also keep harsher detergents from irritating your vagina too (if you want to take a stab at making some of your own, a cool recipe is here). By the way, if you’re like me and you’ve got a ton of undies, a salad spinner (that’s solely devoted to cleaning your panties) can save you some time. You can read more about it here.
____
Now that you know what kind of panties your vagina is actually into, if it’s time to get some new ones, budget for that. Underwear is certainly not a luxury. As you can see, a good quality pair is a necessity for all kinds of different reasons.
Your vagina does so much for you — take good care of her. Get some new (and vaginally responsible) drawers, chile. SOON.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
- Yes, There Are Things That You Can Do To Get A Smooth Bikini Line ›
- 7 Of The Best Period Panties For All Flows ›
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images
