41 and Childless: Why I'm Still Hitting Snooze On My Biological Clock
I scroll through my Facebook news feed admiring the chubby-cheeked faces that my high school classmates post. The happy babies are dressed in toothless grins and two-pieced grownup outfits looking like little men and women. I smile in recognition of the toddlers who are complete miniatures of the people who upload the photos.
“Aww look at her,” I say to myself. “Too cute.”
Then I read the caption. It refers to “my grandbaby.”
Grandchildren? I’m not old enough to be anyone’s Grandma! Am I? But I’m not even a parent yet! Never mind that, I’m 41.
And then I start to do the math, which has become an increasingly growing habit these days. I calculate how I could have a high school student right about now. Or a college student. Or (gasp!) a college graduate. Then, yeah, I guess it would be possible to be a grandmother at 41 had I not thrown the proverbial biological clock across the room and postponed motherhood.
It would be easy to blame work for my delay. I was building a formative career. I wanted to achieve VP, partner, or CEO status before I stepped away for eight weeks of maternity leave. But as Tamar Braxton would say, “Lies.” The truth is I hated that job so much that I would’ve gladly chosen stay-at-home motherhood with toddler triplets and a newborn instead. If I had a husband, that thought might’ve been a strong reality.
But that might be a lie, too. I still wonder if the absence of a man was as great of an influence on my decision to remain child-free in my 20’s – and 30’s – as my belief that I had plenty of child-bearing years left or the lack of an immediate familial network to offer advice and support.
At 40, when time seems to have sped up like the hour hand during Spring of Daylight Savings time, my concerns shifted from who’s going to be part of my village when the time comes to are there going to be any willing villagers left by the time I do have a child?
I express this to my cousins after they assumed that I just don’t want children.
“Don’t do that to your child,” one of my cousins said.
“What?” I ask. I’m confused by the question posed by the woman who, in her 30s, gave birth to her last child.
Her initial response includes “patience” and “activities.” So maybe I can get snippy, but that’s rare. I think. And sure, not even three months ago, I lost my balance in the moon bounce and fell in a corner. I stayed there a couple of seconds too long, knees and heart burning from the strenuous jumping, all while a few kids continued to hop all around me until another adult grabbed my arm and pulled me out. But that was only one time.
I’m still young enough to keep up.
“Hmph. Child come out looking older than you,” she adds.
Okay, I get it.
I understand that I’m considered to be in a high-risk zone. My chances of conceiving may have dropped from 40-50 percent at 40 and could fall as low as one to two percent by age 43. And my risk of miscarriage can rise to 53 percent by the time I’m 45. And I’m not overlooking the risk of genetic disorders.
I also realize the other idiosyncrasies that come with being an older parent. I see the close relationship between my relative and her children and how it mirrors a friendship, with parental boundaries, of course. Would it be the same if there were a 40-year gap between their ages?
I also question if I’d still be around for my children’s milestones – prom, graduation, marriage, and their own pregnancy – because these habitual calculations are multiplying exponentially.
And I wonder if I’ll be mistaken for Grandma after all since I may be the oldest parent on the first day of kindergarten or at birthday parties and Mommy and Me play dates.
Still I’m not discouraged by majority opinion, appearances, and statistics. Older motherhood isn’t a new phenomenon, and older mothers can bear healthy babies. Look at Halle Berry and Kim Fields, who both had their second child at 46. Or even those I know personally. Like my cousin’s cousin who also delivered a healthy baby at 46. And my mother’s over-40 neighbor-friend, who had twins without fertility treatment.
[Tweet "Older motherhood isn’t a new phenomenon, and older mothers can bear healthy babies."]
I’m also not deterred by the so-called ticking of that old biological clock because there is no firm cut-off time for motherhood.
But then again, as I near 42, I don’t want to oversleep and miss out what I consider will be one of my life’s biggest moments, either. Okay, maybe I won’t set an alarm. I’ll just adjust the clock back another hour like Daylight Savings Time in the fall and be sure to keep my eye on the time.
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Crystal Renay Is Prioritizing Healing, Her Kids, And Her Coins Amid Divorce
Crystal Renay is reclaiming her time and her identity after dealing with heartbreak. The model was married to Ne-Yo for seven years and they share three young children together. However, after a cheating scandal that resulted in a baby outside of their relationship, Crystal decided to end her marriage to the “So Sick” singer. Now, she is focusing on her bag and her kids. She is co-owner of Johnny’s Chicken and Waffles, launching a lip kit line, and is back on TV starring in the new WE TV reality series Bold & Bougie.
But it wasn’t an easy road, especially with reality TV. From the beginning, Crystal and her castmates bumped heads due to misconceptions and alliances with her ex-husband’s former partner, Monyetta Shaw. However, the mother of three exclusively tells xoNecole that she doesn’t regret her decision to join the show.
Crystal Renay
Photo courtesy
“Honestly, being in that space, we had a– you know, when you're first getting to know people, sometimes it can be smooth, and sometimes it can be rocky,” she says. “In our case, it was a little bit rocky and just getting to know each other, and I like to call it growing pains. And I felt like we had a couple of moments, but all in all, like the experience was really good for me, and I would do it over again.”
Crystal describes herself as “career-oriented” and says she is in her selfish season because she is now prioritizing herself first. But she admits that she is still healing from her divorce. The reality TV star shares some tips for others who may be going through the same thing.
“I would definitely say pray, pray as much as you can. Try to take your emotions out of your reactions to things because it’s always going to be something that you don't like in the situation,” she says. “But we can't move off of emotion because 10 times out of 10, a few months later, you're not going to feel like that. So, I'm a firm believer in not doing things that I will regret later. So I would just say be patient with yourself and stay positive.”
While there may be an opportunity to find love again, that’s not Crystal’s focus at the moment. She is in the rebuilding phase of her life, emphasizing the importance of self-care, personal growth, and finding her own happiness. She has had her share of challenges, including dealing with negative emotions and the public's perception of her, but her priorities involve spending quality time with her children and running lucrative businesses.
“I would definitely say pray, pray as much as you can. Try to take your emotions out of your reactions to things because it’s always going to be something that you don't like in the situation.”
“With my kids, I'm very hands-on. I’m team mother with soccer kids, and they don't really make no goals because they like five years old, but I'm there cheering them on every week,” she jokes. “I want to travel, especially this summer, with my kids and take them somewhere internationally because they're at the age where they can handle a long flight. So, me just spending more time and more new experiences with my kids is my main focus with them and showing them all the love that I could possibly give them.”
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Photo courtesy of Crystal Renay