Is your man an outlier? If your initial response is "Umm, in what way?", in the context of this piece, I mean when it comes to how long he can last in bed. Yeah, initially, I wouldn't have used that word in the sexual sense either but apparently, if a man can go for 21 minutes or so, that's what he's considered to be. If he can hang in there between 4-11 minutes, he's average and if he can go for 53 minutes, he's on something; sorry, I mean he's a marathoner.
The relevance in those well-phrased measurements is the fact that, whenever I ask women what they desire more from their partner, stamina is usually what comes up. And, when I ask them what they wish they had more of, typically, it's sensitivity. They either want to tap into their erogenous zones more or, they want to find a way for sexual stimulation to feel more intense during sex.
While there is no magic potion that you or your partner can take to instantly remedy either of these concerns, there are some holistic approaches to both that are safe, effective (in more ways than one) and affordable.
If you want to make your man an outlier or you want to turn up the heat a bit in your own "sweet spots", try adding some of these herbs, foods and items to your health regimen.
1.Damiana
I must admit that, when I first learned about Damiana, I smiled. My first love's name is Damien. My late fiancé's name was Damien. One of the most unique relationships I've ever had with someone, his name is also Damien. And in their own ways, they're all pretty sexy so, there's that.
Outside of my own little exclusive Damien journey, Damiana is a wild shrub-turned-herbal supplement that is used to treat headaches, depression and constipation. It's also great at reducing PMS symptoms, treating insomnia and even relieving symptoms related to anemia and diabetes.
On the sex tip, Damiana is dope because it lowers stress levels, improves a bad mood, increases vaginal lubrication, intensifies orgasms and gives you more energy so that you can go a few rounds (if you want). Yeah, Damiana is that one.
2.Vitamin B12 Foods
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Vitamin B12 is something that we all need that far too many of us are deficient in. So, how do you know that you are lower in this vitamin than you should be? Do you feel lightheaded and weak? Are you gassy or constipated? Do you feel depressed or have you been experiencing memory loss? Do you feel numbness or tingling? If so, go see a doctor, just to make sure that it's not something more serious. If it isn't, eating foods high in B12 (like chicken, tuna, salmon, liver and eggs) can help to get you back on track. As a bonus, Vitamin B12 foods also support bone health, relieve anemia and help to put you into a better mood.
B12 is a must-have for sexual sensitivity because it manufactures healthy red blood cells which keeps your nerve endings, including the thousands that are in your clitoris in tip-top shape. B12 also triggers histamine into your system. That's awesome because you need that in order to have an orgasm.
3.Basil
Basil is an herb that is bomb for so many different reasons. It lowers your blood pressure, fights to prevent breast cancer, increases mental alertness, reduces stroke damage, stabilizes blood sugar, decreases tooth decay and relaxes blood vessels.
It's that last benefit I mentioned that helped basil to make this particular list. Not only does the smell of basil help to get your (and his) juices flowing, it increases blood flow, including down in your genital region. The more circulation you've got, the more intense things will feel.
4.L-Arginine
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On its own, arginine is an amino acid that changes into nitric oxide. We need this because nitric oxide is a neurotransmitter that relaxes blood vessels and increases blood circulation. L-Arginine is known to dilate clitoral blood vessels and, when they are wide open, sexual sensitivity is off the charts! (Other benefits of this supplement are that it enhances your workout performance, treats burns, heals wounds, reduces anxiety and controls blood sugar in diabetics).
A lot of people take L-Arginine in supplement form, but if you're curious, foods that contain arginine are brown rice, peanuts, sunflower seeds, spirulina and (yum) chocolate.
5.Black Raspberries
Did you know that July is when National Kissing Day (July 6) and National Orgasm Day (July 31) are celebrated? Good thing too because black raspberries are only in season during this month and it lasts for only a few weeks too.
Whether you decide to snack on them raw or make some homemade black raspberry ice cream or black raspberry muffins, you'll be doing your body a lot of good. Black raspberries are loaded with antioxidants that help to fight off free radicals, cancer cells and tumors. Black raspberries also have a great reputation for improving vision, keeping your heart healthy and, the ellagic acid that's in them, can help to prevent birth defects if you happen to be pregnant.
Black raspberries are also a phytochemical-rich food that not only boosts libidos in men and women, it gives them both a lot more endurance too (it's best to eat a handful, for 3-5 days, before gettin' it in, in order to get the best results).
6.Less Shrimp, Sugar and Soy
We've spent quite a bit of time touching on what you should consume, but there are some things that you shouldn't. Let's start with shrimp. Shrimp tends to contain pesticides and pesticides are known for being endocrine disruptors which basically means that they take male and female hormones on roller coaster rides. In fact, a lot of shrimp has the mutha of all pesticides, 4-hexylresorcinol, in it.
Sugar isn't good for your sex drive/life because it triggers stress and anxiety and also drains you of your energy. In men, it lowers testosterone levels too. Low testosterone, low sex drive. Oh, and soy. Soy can be unhealthy, on so many levels. Sexually, because it contains phytoestrogens. Yep, soy has a form of estrogen. When too much of this is in your system, it also can alter your hormones and tank your libido as well.
7.A Diffuser
One of the best things about sex is, if it's done right, it incorporates all five of your senses, smell included. Smell actually plays such an important role in sexual arousal that one study says that the better your sense of smell is, the more enjoyable sex will be.
So, what scents will heighten your sexual sensitivity? Rose, neroli, sandalwood, jasmine, cinnamon, patchouli and ylang ylang essential oils, for starters. You can mix them with a carrier oil like grapeseed, sweet almond and avocado, warm the combo up and have an impromptu couple's massage. Or you can put a combination of the oils into a diffuser which will make your bedroom—or wherever you plan on gettin' it on—smell absolutely amazing.
8.Abdominal and Glutes Exercises
Did you know that we naturally have more stamina than men? This means that we've got more power to endure (wink). But if you want a little more, exercising is the way to get more. If you focus on your abdominal muscles—by doing exercises like sit-ups and planks—it will give you more balance and keep you from feeling as much back pressure or pain. If you work on your glutes—by doing squats and hip extensions—it will loosen up your hips and make it easier to try more sexual positions.
What exercises does your man need to do to build his stamina up? From what I've read—cycling, swimming, high-intensity lifting, stair climbing and jumping rope will definitely do his body and sexual performance a lot of good. Oh, and having sex with you more often. That'll help too.
9.Dirty Talk
When you get a chance, check out Medical Daily's article "The Science of Dirty Talk and Why It Increases Sexual Pleasure". It talks about how our brains are one huge erogenous zone, how the more we talk about sex, the more pleasurable sex is and, how liberating dirty talk can be because it breaks us out of our prim and proper shell, lowers our inhibitions and helps us to express our needs and wants to our partner in a very sensual and alluring kind of way.
If you've never really tried it before, simply whispering what you like or what you would like to transpire is a great way to get things going. Dirty talk has a way of, as Kelly Rowland once sang, keeping you and your partner extremely motivated. (Go…go…go…GO!)
10. Lots and Lots of Lube
If you want to skip all of the supplements, foods and exercise tips, something else that can take your sexual sensitivity up a few notches is lubricant. The more, the better too! The wetter sex is, the more enjoyable, intense and longer-lasting it tends to be. Lubricant also reduces the friction of condoms which makes them less likely to break and helps to prevent microscopic vaginal tears, which means having less of a chance of contracting an STD/STI.
Just make sure that if you're going to buy lube that you go with something like a silicone brand (they're waterproof and also won't damage condoms). Or, if you're going to go with something more natural like coconut oil (a fan favorite, even among medical professionals) that you use it for unprotected sex ONLY; with condoms, the oil can break down its effectiveness. What's natural that is also condom-friendly? Aloe Vera, but make sure that it's 100 percent pure so that the other ingredients won't throw off your vagina's pH balance. Have—lots and lots of—fun!
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Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
4 Healthy Foods That Increase Sexual Pleasure
How To Eat Your Way To Better Sex
Foods That Keep Your Vagina Smelling Right (And The Ones That Don't)
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A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
Fast forward to today — le sigh — and while the tradition isn’t really upheld anymore, in my opinion, perhaps it should be. I say that because, did you know that, when it comes to wedding night copulation, less than 40 percent of couples make that a priority these days?
And while, on the surface, that might not seem that much of a big deal, if you sit tight, I’m going to explain to you why, as a marriage life coach for over 20 years at this point, I 1000 percent believe that it is — a much bigger deal than many people would ever imagine.
Keeping yichud in mind, let me first take a moment to break down why you should consummate your marriage as soon as possible following your wedding; then I will follow that up with providing a few hacks to make sure that you have the mind, body, and spirit to actually do so.
Remember What “Consummate” Means
GiphyLet’s start off with what the word “consummate” actually means. You know, the same way that it irritates me when people who are dating say that they are monogamous instead of exclusive (check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”), it also low-key irritates me when unmarried people who have sex for the first time say that they “consummated” their relationship. Why? Because consummate has specific meanings, and that ain’t one of them.
To consummate actually means “to complete (the union of a marriage) by the first marital sexual intercourse.” Back in ancient Jewish times, this was a really big deal because, more times than not, the couple was having sex for the very first time with one another (oftentimes, it was their first time being alone together as well).
These days, it’s been reported that only 10 percent of men and seven percent of women between the ages of 22-34 are still virgins; however, even if you’re not a virgin and shoot, even if your wedding night isn’t the first time that you’re having sex with your partner, the word “consummate” still applies because it’s the first time that you will be having sex with him as your husband and you as his wife — which is still a different kind of intimacy (check out “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex'”).
I say that because…do you know what else consummate means? It means “to complete (an arrangement, agreement, or the like) by a pledge or the signing of a contract” and “to bring to a state of perfection; fulfill.” In other words, saying your vows isn’t what fully completes your wedding day — consummating your marriage is.
Let’s keep going…
Prioritize “Completion”
GiphyOkay, so by the literal definitions of consummate, a husband and a wife complete their union of marriage by having sex. By doing that, it brings their new kind of relationship into a state of perfection and fulfillment. It also makes their formal marriage arrangement complete. That is how important consummating your marital union is — so, why in the world would you not want to prioritize that?
Especially when you stop to think about the fact that complete means things like “having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full”, “finished; ended; concluded,” “having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like; consummate; perfect in kind or quality.” Hmph. Looks to me like the wedding vows, the exchanging of rings, the jumping of brooms, the reception — none of this results in a marriage getting into a state of “lacking nothing” or the day being “finished” or the marital relationship “having all of the required and customary characteristics” like SEX does.
That’s how essential it’s supposed to be seen and treated in a marital relationship (sexless couples, please remember that and also check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important “ and “How 10 Couples Reignited Their Sex Lives After Facing A Sexless Marriage” ). And THIS is why it’s so unfortunate that 60 percent of couples don’t see it this way.
Honestly, I’d venture to say that it’s because most haven’t even thought about how paramount the word “consummate” actually is and yet, again, as a marriage life coach (and someone who speaks on marital covenant A LOT), it’s my job to make sure to put as many engaged couples (or folks who want to be married someday) on notice — because if you can make sure that you take your wedding pictures, that you dance at your reception and that you hug the folks who you haven’t seen in years…you can certainly make time to PERFECT YOUR UNION with your spouse.
Hmph, let me tell it, if you do that on your wedding night, it will remind you to prioritize it during the rest of your marriage. It’s a foundational principle that deserves high respect and much consideration. And what if you’re like, “I hear you, Shellie, but I always hear that people are usually too tired for sex on their wedding night”? You know a saying that gets on my nerves and yet here, it does somewhat apply: “If you wanted to, you would” — and I believe that if you take the word “consummate” literally and seriously, you will make a way, no matter what. I do have a few tips to help you out, though.
Get Rest the Night Before
GiphyHands down, the two top reasons for why couples don’t have sex on their wedding night are either because they were too tired or they were too drunk. I’ll hit the drunk thing in a moment; however, when it comes to the tired thing — listen, I get it. Fewer days are going to be longer and take more out of you than your wedding day will. I will say this, though: the couples I know who waited until their wedding night, they somehow found the energy (because they had something new to look forward to) which means that, again, what is important to us, we certainly will make time for — and it’s important to see sex, in marriage, as not just a fun activity but a supernatural mental, emotional and spiritual bond:
"There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.'" (I Corinthians 6:16 — Message)
That’s why it’s so important to, instead of staying up all night giggling and cackling with your friends the night before your nuptials, that you actually get some rest. Also, even though I know you want to avoid any bulge and bloat that you can, make sure that you at least snack on some fruit while getting ready the next day. Both of these things will help to give you fuel in order to get through the day — and night. So will one more thing…but let me tackle being drunkety-drunk-drunk matter first.
Toast. Don’t Get Drunk, Though.
GiphyA wedding reception is one big party that is being thrown in your and your beloved’s honor, and you should take in every moment of it. That doesn’t mean that you need to toss back multiple tequila shots and participate in every toast at every table, though. Listen, it’s no secret that having too much alcohol in one’s system can affect a man’s stamina (and not in a good way) and can have your sex drive on a roller coaster ride (also not in a good way), not to mention that it could cause you to pass right on out.
So, in the spirit of completing your marriage (again, literally) — how about sipping on champagne during the formal toasts and leaving it at that? After all, you’ve got bigger matters to celebrate…later on.
Don’t Be the Last One to Leave Your Reception
GiphyThere are two weddings that I remember attending in my lifetime where the husband and wife honestly couldn’t care less about their reception. LOL. During one wedding, the couple basically ate the cake and did the bouquet and garter toss all at once; hell, I don’t even remember them eating anything. I was actually in the wedding party and didn’t get to say “goodbye” either. They were outta there. Another couple? They didn’t show up to the reception at all! They actually recorded a video that ran during it where the husband said, “I know what salmon tastes like. I’m trying to figure some other things out.”
Meanwhile, another wedding that I went to where the couple lived together prior to their wedding day? Since the wedding and reception were at a plush hotel, many of their guests were staying at the same spot. So, after the couple shut down the reception, they then went hotel room hopping until wee hours of the morning. When I asked them what in the world they were doing, the bride literally said, “Girl, we’ve lived together for years. We can have sex any time.”
See what I mean? See what happens when you don’t fully grasp how important consummating your marriage is? It’s not “just sex” anymore — it’s perfecting some things. So yeah, definitely don’t be the last two people to leave your wedding reception, especially if you sense that you are starting to run on fumes. You need to do something more important than being the last people on the dance floor — and you already know what that thing is.
Book Your Honeymoon Flight for Later in the Day (or the Following One)
GiphyAnother reason why many couples don’t consummate their marriage on their wedding night is because they are rushing to go to bed so that they can catch their honeymoon flight. For this, honestly, it’s wiser to wait until the evening of the following day, if not the day after that. Not only will that give you time to “complete” your union, but afterwards, you can get a lot of the rest that you crave.
I’m telling you — if there is one thing that far too many couples do when it comes to their after-the-ceremony plans, it’s put unnecessary pressure on themselves by putting together a super strict schedule that they really don’t need. You’re married now, and whatever location you’re going to isn’t going anywhere. RELAX. HAVE SOME SEX. RINSE. REPEAT. THEN LEAVE.
Keep Your Expectations Realistic
GiphyOkay, one more thing about the whole “it’s important to consummate” point, and then I’ll be out of y’all’s hair. It actually circles back to the yichud tradition that I mentioned in the intro. Remember how I said that Jewish couples were left alone for 18 minutes? Well, in some of my other sex-themed content, I’ve shared that many couples are more than fine with intercourse lasting somewhere between 7 and 13 minutes.
My point? Listen, nowhere in this article did I say that y’all had to have 90s R&B sex the first time that the two of you come together as husband and wife. I simply said that you need to consummate the relationship, and I’m pretty sure that you both can muster up at least 10 minutes to make that happen. All of the “all night long” stuff — yeah, do that on your honeymoon. However, making sure that “oneness” transpires, so that the perfection of your union is established? That needs to happen as soon as possible.
____
An author by the name of Abhijit Naskar once said, “Sex is not just about going in or letting in, it is really about welcoming your dearly beloved into the deepest regions of your psyche, which are inaccessible to anybody else.” Truer words could not have been said than when it comes to a husband and wife.
Sex ain’t “just sex” in a marriage, y’all. It’s far more than that.
Consummate that thing. Down the pike, you’ll be oh so glad that you did.
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