

I felt my husband’s leg tapping underneath the table, and I calmly put my hand on top of it. The doctor on the other side of the screen had just matter-of-factly told us that the likelihood of us having a child “the natural way” was slim to none and immediately recommended IVF.
“I’m going to have a financial counselor call you as early as next week.”
The call was quick. The doctor didn’t extend any empathy or any type of emotion - but I also didn’t know what to expect. The abrupt push for IVF didn’t feel right at the moment - I did know that.
I remember this day like it was yesterday. It was September of 2020, a few days shy of my oldest daughter’s 11th birthday, and we were still knee-deep in COVID, so all non-life-threatening appointments were virtual.
We had been trying for a baby for a year (as most doctors will tell you, that is the length of time to try for a baby before seeking medical attention), and nothing was budging. We moved to Dallas in May of 2020, and one of the first things I did was find Black practitioners to help me along this baby-making journey.
I found a Black female OBGYN who I thought was a sound choice, but after sharing my history of ovarian cyst bursts and learning that I had two small polyps in my uterus, she proceeded to tell me:
“I don’t feel the need to remove them, but if you were to get pregnant and possibly miscarriage, then I would go in to remove them.”
I was stunned. If you know I am actively trying for a baby, and you know there is something inside of me that could potentially prohibit that from happening, why would you fix your lips to say that to me?!
Needless to say, that was the last time I ever saw that doctor, and I immediately went on a search for a new OBGYN. Little did I know that was going to be one of the many times when I had to actively advocate for myself throughout this fertility journey.
Ironically, this OBGYN recommended the fertility specialist who laid the very harsh news on me and my husband that following September. While IVF may have been our only option, I knew in my spirit that this doctor wouldn’t be the right choice to walk along this journey with. We needed someone to deliver facts as well as empathy and compassion.
I didn’t want to feel like just another number. Another line item. After processing what was said and allowing my husband and myself to have a moment, I immediately started looking for a second opinion.
Always.
Always.
Always.
Get a second opinion.
My Marriage
Witnessing my husband’s response was gut-wrenching for me. I am grateful to have a partner who has never been ashamed of expressing his feelings, but I feel as though I saw hope leave his eyes. It was a lot to take in. Not just learning that we would need medical intervention to maybe have a child of our own (because there is no guarantee with IVF), but that he had also spent the past 6 years helping me raise my daughter - a little girl he claimed but shared no genes with.
“However long you need to process. Take your time. But whatever you do, please promise me that you won’t give up. That is all I ask.”
This is what I expressed to him at the moment and continued to express leading up to our actual IVF journey.
He honored that.
Starting IVF
We ended up getting a second opinion, and it affirmed what the initial doctor had told us, but this doctor was more compassionate in her facts and her language. I felt safe in her care, and we began discussing the next steps.
This included contacting my insurance company to see what all was covered on their end and how much we would have to come out of pocket. I can’t even begin to count how many times I called to speak with a rep or put in a request to chat with them through the chat box and save the transcript to ensure I was getting told the same thing from each rep.
I learned that all of our diagnostic testing was covered:
- Sonohysterogram
- Hysteroscopy
- Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)
- Ovarian Reserve Testing
- Semen Analysis
This doctor even removed those small polyps from my uterus that the previous doctor opted not to do.
“This journey costs way too much money to have anything that we can easily remove stand in the way of progress.”
Say less, doctor, say less.
Unfortunately, that is where the grace stopped with insurance. The diagnostic testing was the only thing that was covered. To actually begin IVF, we would have to come up with $20,000 for the cycle, PLUS another $5,000 to get our embryos tested if that is what we wanted.
We did not have that type of money.
But as of January 25, 2021, none of this would matter.
I was rushed to the hospital for what I now know to be my very first IBD flare. After a four-day emergency hospital stay and a colonoscopy, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called ulcerative colitis - the most common type of inflammatory bowel disease that causes inflammation in the colon.
“I understand that you are trying for a baby, but I strongly suggest you prioritize getting into remission before starting your IVF cycle,” my gastroenterologist recommended at the time.
Although my head understood the practicality of it all, this felt like a blow to my heart and spirit. This felt like another speed bump on our journey to have a baby - on top of the infertility speed bump we still hadn’t gotten over.
But I took heed to her words and did just that. I completely changed my diet, added supplements to my daily regimen, joined the gym, and did my best to keep my stress down.
I also took this time to lean into my marriage and my baby girl, who was alive and well and getting ready to start middle school. In hindsight, it felt good to not be fixated on IVF, even if just for a moment.
The road to remission would take me the remainder of 2021 but in true “God be knowing” fashion, I would end up securing a new job this same year with insurance that would cover my entire IVF cycle PLUS meds.
Courtesy
I remember how I felt when the box of injection meds showed up on my doorstep. I anticipated the delivery but also couldn’t believe we were actually getting started. We were officially approved for our IVF cycle in January of 2022, and I was set to begin taking injections that following day.
It was a mixture of five meds that needed to be taken at the exact same time every single day for 12 weeks.
Every.
Single.
Day.
My husband and I watched the tutorials on how to mix the meds and the ideal injection site to prevent lump bruising.
I was excited but equally nervous because what if I was doing all of this to my body and we didn’t get the outcome we desired?
Courtesy
In March 2022, I had my egg retrieval, which turned into seven healthy embryos.
On May 17, 2022, I had a successful embryo transfer.
Courtesy
On days 6 and 8 post-embryo transfer, just a few days away from going back to the clinic to see if I was, in fact, pregnant, I purchased two pregnancy tests, and both of them had positive results.
Courtesy
When we did finally go back to the fertility clinic, my blood test only confirmed what the at-home tests read. We were pregnant!
We’re Expecting
This exciting news didn’t come without its own scares.
Trigger Warning:
When we were seven weeks along, one day before we were scheduled to hear the heartbeat, I experienced what I now know to be a subchorionic hemorrhage (hematoma). A subchorionic hematoma is when blood forms between a baby's amniotic sac and the uterine wall.
I was on a flight back home from a work trip, and as soon as I stood up to deplane, I felt a rush of liquid in my pants. I went to the restroom and believed I was miscarrying.
Our first appointment since our pregnancy was confirmed the next morning, and I was believing the worst, but when we put the ultrasound wand on my belly, we heard the most beautiful sound. Our baby was doing just fine.
Our doctor confirmed the hematoma and ordered pelvic rest as, unfortunately, there is no resolve for subchorionic hemorrhages. It happens in about ⅕ of pregnancies, and while they don’t cause serious health conditions for the mom, they can cause miscarriages. These are even more common in IVF pregnancies.
This same afternoon, after returning home from our appointment, my body would have another episode. I just knew this time we had lost our baby. I found an after-hours facility that provided ultrasounds by appointment, and we went to check on our baby.
Again, our baby was doing just fine, and the heartbeat was strong. As the doctor said before, pelvic rest and be patient.
Prayer Warriors + Intercessors
Outside of a select few family members and close friends, we kept this journey close to the vest.
I didn’t feel as though sharing openly would necessarily jinx our process, but I knew I wouldn’t want those who would pray for us at the drop of a dime and meant us well to be in on the intimate details.
Between these few people and Facebook Infertility Support Groups, this was our saving grace.I knew how important having a community was throughout this process, specifically amongst those walking the same path as us. To this day, I am still involved in these support groups and share insight with those moms at the beginning of their journey.
Love at First Sight
On January 26, 2023, at 7:17 a.m., our miracle child, Demi Rae, was born right on our living room floor.
Now, that wasn’t the initial plan, but I knew we wouldn’t make it to the hospital. From my water breaking to her making it earthside, she was here in a total of 15 minutes, right in her daddy’s arms.
It was perfect.
Courtesy
My original desire for delivery this second time around was to give birth at home, but my anxiety convinced me otherwise. I had a doula and found a midwifery company that walked us through our birth plan, and even though nothing went according to plan, I am grateful for my birth team.
Our doula walked us through best-case and not-so-best-case scenarios. Meaning, that if we didn’t make it to the hospital, we would be prepared to confidently and safely bring her into the world.
As I am on all fours in the living room, my husband has our doula on the phone along with the paramedics to guide us through this tender moment. But to welcome our baby girl into this world with just him and I was a level of intimacy I am so grateful for and wouldn’t have had it any other way.
We went from being told we wouldn’t have our own biological child to constantly redirecting a soon-to-be two-year-old from slapping folks every time she doesn’t get her way. Life does come at you quick.
Demi is such a happy child and brought so much energy into our home, and to see the relationship between my two girls growing every day does my heart well.
Courtesy
I never thought IVF was going to be a part of our story, but now that we are on the other side, I make it a point to share our story and hold space for other couples (especially couples of color) who are fearful of infertility diagnosis and need to see that IVF can be an option for them too. It is not ideal, I get it, but it can be a solution.
In June of 2024, in honor of Infertility Awareness Week, I hosted a panel of other women who have gone through IVF (both successfully and unsuccessfully) to share their experience and give their insight into what their life is like now as well as a Q+A with a well-known infertility doctor for community members to have direct access to a medical professional.
Courtesy
Seeing other Black women in the fertility space normalized the journey for me, and I want to be a resource for others like the women in these support groups have been for me.
Prayers to the couples who are experiencing infertility and feel saddened, angry, and lost. I get it. I truly do. But this does not have to be the end all be all.
Talk to a therapist.
Consult with your insurance company to see what is covered if you are going the IVF route.
Join support groups like Black Women TTC and Black Women and Infertility.
Schedule a consult with a fertility doctor to learn all your options (and get a second opinion).
Get a workup done to learn your health status all around.
Pray.
Stay encouraged.
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
____
Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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