If you’re one to track celebrity news — which, let’s be real, is oftentimes nothing more than gossip — you’ve probably noticed that actor and singer Halle Bailey’s name has been coming up quite a bit as of late. Last week, she announced a mini solo residency (her first) that sold out in a matter of minutes, and since she and artist DDG (the father of her firstborn son, Halo) have broken up, it’s like folks are publishing minute-by-minute updates on what co-parenting is like for the both of them (and between them).
However, what caught and held my attention was her sharing the fact that she has been going through postpartum depression in the midst of…it all.
As Halle went on to explain her extreme anxiety when it came to being apart from her baby for more than 30 minutes, looking in the mirror and not really recognizing herself, and feeling triggered (in ways she probably wouldn’t be otherwise) — as a doula (which is basically a birthing assistant) who has had a front seat to clients who’ve battled with postpartum depression as well (and also as someone who knows that somewhere around 1 in 8 women deal with it on some level), I thought that now would be as good of a time as any to address some things about postpartum depression head on.
One, so that it can be taken more seriously than it oftentimes is. Two, so that you can know what to potentially look out for if you’re pregnant or someone you care about is. And, last but not least, if you have recently been diagnosed with postpartum depression, you can know that there is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about — and that you are certainly not alone.
Postpartum Depression. Revisited.
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First up, I’m not even gonna begin to act like I can cover something as…vast as postpartum depression in one article. However, I am going to try to provide a bit of fact-based intel, just so you can separate myths, rumors, and the attitude of dismissiveness from what this type of depression is actually all about.
Postpartum depression (which is sometimes also referred to as perinatal depression and is also known as PPD) is the type of depression that occurs either during a woman’s pregnancy or shortly after she gives birth. Although the Greek philosopher and physician Hippocrates spotted emotional challenges that new moms would experience all the way back in his day (which was a LONG time ago), it actually wasn’t until — check it — 1994 (just 30 years ago — SMDH) that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders formally listed postpartum depression “medically defined concept.”
Since then, even more studies have been trying to get to the root of postpartum depression. For instance, a UCLA team came to the conclusion about a decade ago that pregnancy alters the brain on many different levels. It does this by (for example) causing neurosteroid chemicals to skyrocket during pregnancy and then plummet after giving birth, which can cause the brain to go through extremes in order to resume some sort of balance.
In 2019, in response to this, the FDA approved Zulresso (brexanolone). New moms 15 and over can take it, although it absolutely must be under the supervision of a medical professional due to some of its potential side effects.
It also should go on record that there are three different types of postpartum depression — there’s the “baby blues” that easily at least half (some reports say as much as 75 percent) of new moms go through which is pretty (self-) manageable; there’s postpartum depression that comes with more severe symptoms (more on that in a sec), and then there’s postpartum psychosis which is the most extreme kind of PPD. Around 1 in 1,000 women are diagnosed with it, and it can include paranoia, hallucinations, and mania.
Okay, so how can you know if what you are experiencing is “baby blues” or something more serious? That is an excellent question.
5 Early Signs of Postpartum Depression
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Although some of my clients are individuals who I didn’t know prior to their pregnancy, some people have been friends. One friend, in particular, I had known for about 20 years at the time that I helped her give birth to her first child ,and so I knew her personality very well. That’s why, when I noticed some of the signs that I’m about to share, I alerted her midwife ASAP.
Initially, her midwife said that we should wait a couple of weeks to see if it really was postpartum depression, yet my friend was moving so out of character that I wouldn’t let up. Later on, her midwife told me that she was glad that I didn’t wait because my friend ended up going through a pretty serious bout of postpartum depression for a few months.
1. Early signs of PPD: Your emotions don't "level out" within the first couple of weeks.
Listen, if premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is real (and it is), in part due to all of the hormonal changes that we go through (perimenopause comes to mind, too), I bet you can just imagine all that is going on, hormonally, after giving birth. And while the first couple of weeks can seem a bit all over the place, if you’re not starting to feel like your old self within a couple of weeks or so, don’t merely shrug that off; it could be a postpartum depression warning sign.
2. Early signs of PPD: Your anxiety is through the roof.
Something that really let me know that something was up with my friend is she was obsessed with feeding her child (a part of the issue was mastitis, which is an infection within a woman’s breast tissue). It was so much to the point that she wouldn’t sleep, and when I would be insistent upon it, she would put a bottle up on a pregnancy pillow and prop her baby up next to it (keep in mind that this was a newborn). She was super anxious and irritable, which can be another warning sign of entering into postpartum depression.
3. Early signs of PPD: Your day-to-day patterns are drastically shifting.
Your baby is going to create a new normal for your life; that is guaranteed. However, if you’re noticing that you are totally deviating from everything that you typically do as far as your daily routine goes, while this could be the case for the first few weeks, pay close attention to if it remains that way for longer periods of time. This can be tied to short-term memory loss or feeling very disoriented — another telling sign.
4. Early signs of PPD: You are beyond exhausted.
I once read that new parents tend to lose somewhere around three hours of sleep each and every night during the first year of their child’s life (chile) — and yes, that is going to lead to feeling tired, drained…weary even. Oh, but the exhaustion that I’m speaking of here is when you are well past feeling like you are running on fumes.
Depression exhaustion is when your brain is foggy, your focus is off, and you start leaning into feeling like you’re just existing instead of living because that’s just how worn out you are — and when you can’t seem to find relief, no matter how hard you try, that’s when it could teeter into depression if you’re not careful.
5. Early signs of PPD: You're either overly concerned with or totally detached from your child.
If you can’t think about anything but your baby or you don’t really feel much of an attachment at all, both of these can be signs of postpartum depression setting in as well. While science is still trying to figure out if shifts in oxytocin play a role, it is clear that changes in estrogen, progesterone, and within your thyroid can lead to either outcome — and both aren’t what’s ideal when you have a baby.
5 Signs of Full-Blown Postpartum Depression
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To be honest, everything that I just said can be a warning sign or a clear indication that you are in postpartum depression. The reason why I separated them from the ones that we are about to discuss is that if you only have one of what I just said, it may not be depression; however, if you’ve got three or more of them going on, definitely contact your doctor or midwife, just as soon as you possibly can — especially if they are compounded by these too.
1. Signs of PPD: Loss of appetite
When you’re depressed, it can sometimes cause you to not want to do basic things like showering or eating. A part of this may be due to something known as anhedonia, which is basically the ability to enjoy pleasurable things like food. Thing is, though, in order for you to get your strength back and for your baby to receive the nutrients that they need (if you are breastfeeding), you’ve got to eat. Besides, not eating can lower your blood sugar levels and that can impact your moods.
2. Signs of PPD: Insomnia
It probably doesn’t surprise you that, reportedly, 75 percent of people who are depressed struggle with getting a good night’s rest. The hamster wheel that it can put you on is wild, too, because you initially may struggle with sleeping because you are anxious or worrying a lot, which can have your emotions so all over the place to the point that you need sleep to regulate them…which you can’t seem to get because, again, you’re worrying so much.
There’s no way around the fact that a lack of sleep and depression are linked, so if you’re going days without at least getting some naps in, that could be a sign that postpartum depression has set in. (By the way, lemon balm is something that you might want to try if you can’t seem to sleep and you’re looking for an all-natural way to deal with it.)
3. Signs of PPD: Non-stop crying
If you ever get around to reading TIME’s “The Science of Crying,” you’ll get that nothing about crying is black and white. And honestly, if you’re crying from time to time after having a baby, that is completely understandable — encouraged even because it can help to reduce stress and pain; in fact, it’s pretty damn therapeutic.
What you shouldn’t overlook is if you’re experiencing crying spells to the point where it feels like you can’t stop. That can be an indication of depression because what you are expressing is feelings of hopelessness on some level.
4. Signs of PPD: Suicidal ideations
At the top of this year, Healthline published, “People with Perinatal or Postpartum Depression Face Higher Suicide Risk.” Hormones play a role in this. So does suppressing emotions if you feel some sort of guilt or shame for even having those thoughts during such a special time in your life. Then, if you add to the fact that reportedly only 15 percent of women seek professional mental health support for postpartum depression — sometimes it all can become so overwhelming that ending one’s life seems like the only way out. IT’S NOT.
If you’re thinking about suicide, even just a little bit, please speak up. Again, there’s nothing to be ashamed of; you simply need some expert assistance to get you through it.
5. Signs of PPD: Thoughts of hurting your child.
If it gets to the point where you are considering harming your child, that leans into the psychosis level of postpartum. Still, if a woman is going through all of the signs that I just mentioned, simultaneously, imagine how defeated she must feel. Anyway, although this isn’t the most common sign, it is the one that needs immediate professional help.
What Should You Do If You’re Going Through Postpartum Depression
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So, after reading all of this, you definitely sense that you or someone you know has some postpartum depression going on. What should you do? The first thing is what I’ve already mentioned, which is to make an appointment to see your doctor or midwife. Please don’t try, and “Google your way” into a remedy or solution because a medical professional may need to do lab work and mental health screenings to get to the root of what could be causing it. Next, if you are officially diagnosed, get a solid support system around you.
Remember (and it really can’t be said enough), postpartum depression is NOTHING to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. You had a baby, which is a supernatural feat; it may take some time to recover from all that came with doing that — and that is okay. Next, you might want to consider getting a postpartum therapist — and yes, there is such a thing. They can help you to better articulate your feelings and needs, offer proven tips to get you through this particular season, and help you to find therapy treatments that will be most effective for you personally.
All-Natural Remedies for Postpartum Depression
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Please hear me loud and clear when I say that natural remedies for postpartum depression need to be accompanied by a physician’s (or midwife’s) knowledge and care.
The reason why I can’t stress that enough is, again, postpartum depression is nothing to be flippant with or about, and simply thinking that you can take a supplement and call it a day is irresponsible at best. At the same time, though, there are things that can complement whatever your doctor or midwife suggests as you’re on the road to healing from it.
1. Postpartum depression remedies: Get some omega-3s into your system.
Omega-3 fatty acids help to keep your cell membranes in peak condition, and yes, they have been proven to help reduce some of the symptoms that are associated with (postpartum) depression. In fact, some doctors recommend consuming these types of fatty acids throughout your pregnancy in order to reduce the chances of being diagnosed with postpartum depression. There are supplements that are available, and foods like flaxseeds, chia seeds, walnuts, meat from grass-fed animals, and salmon are filled with this particular nutrient, too.
2. Postpartum depression remedies: Consider some postpartum yoga.
Remember how Halle Bailey basically said that she felt disconnected from her body? Something that can help you to “reconnect” is postpartum yoga. Since it’s a form of exercise that decreases stress and anxiety, it’s low-impact, and it can help you to feel better about your body again — all of this works together to get you through postpartum depression.
3. Postpartum depression remedies: Fast from sugar, caffeine, and alcohol.
Sugar, caffeine, and alcohol are all stimulants — the kind that can make you feel energized and then cause you to crash a few hours later. When you have postpartum depression, you’re already on an emotional roller coaster ride, so you need to consume these things in extreme moderation.
Sugar? Studies say that it can actually make depression-related symptoms worse. Caffeine is a bit of a mixed bag; however, if it made you anxious before getting pregnant, you definitely should speak with your doctor before consuming it after pregnancy. Alcohol? It also increases your depression symptoms; plus, it’s potentially addictive.
4. Postpartum depression remedies: Get yourself an accountability partner.
Suffering in silence. A lot of new moms do it, which is why I was so glad that Halle spoke up about what she has currently been going through. When I say that you need an accountability partner (preferably a non-relative if you've got bossy or controlling ones who want to tell you "how things are done"), what I mean is you need someone who will help you to stick to your plans/goals for healing from postpartum depression, while supporting and encouraging you on your low days; you also need someone who will be great at helping you to feel good about yourself again.
Postpartum depression isn’t really something that you can get through (well) alone. Please don’t try to.
5. Postpartum depression remedies: Ramp up the self-care.
LISTEN, if there is ever a time when you shouldn’t feel the least bit guilty about getting (extra) massages, facials, or whatever else makes you feel pampered and beautiful — right after having a baby would be it. In fact, if you are currently pregnant, I recommend that you create a “pamper me budget” for your postnatal care. Why? Well, sometimes, one of the hardest things about adjusting to the new normal of a baby is trying to find the balance between prioritizing them vs. yourself.
When it comes to this final point, you’ve got to always remember that the healthier you are — mind, body, and spirit — the better off your baby will be, and that means that you’ve got to take premium care of your mental health…and yes, self-care via pampering plays a big role in that (check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself”).
Why You Should Consider Hiring a Postpartum Doula
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The way that my particular doula services work is I come into the pregnant mom’s life during the beginning of her third trimester and then stick around for a month following her giving birth to her child. That way, I can monitor any potential signs of postpartum depression, give her partner a break (yes, fathers have needs that shouldn’t be ignored during that time, too), and I can help around the house if the mom is too tired or physically not up to doing things like washing dishes or even changing her baby sometimes.
Although I do this naturally, the technical term for this type of doula is a postpartum doula. And even though we're all given information on how to provide postpartum care during “doula school,” a postpartum doula’s training is focused especially on how to support moms and babies after mom gives birth.
This can include doing all of the things that I already mentioned, as well as offering breastfeeding assistance (because it can sometimes take a minute to figure it out, trust me), running errands, preparing meals, helping out with other members of the family (like the other children) — some postpartum doulas will even spend the night a few nights a week so that the mom can get some quality rest.
Indeed, one of my favorite things about a postpartum doula is that while a baby nurse mostly only focuses on the newborn’s needs, a postpartum doula helps the entire family. Yeah, they are pretty bomb and can be a real godsend on a billion different levels. For information on how to find a doula or postpartum doula, click here. For information on how to become a DONA-certified doula, click here.
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This one was lengthy (even for me — LOL), yet I hope you can see why it needed to be.
Halle, thanks again for bringing this issue to light. I salute you.
Having a baby is miraculous. New moms deserve all of the support that they need once they do it.
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
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One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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