Practically every woman has a smoldering group chat that’s brimming with jaw-dropping red flags–from bad dates, promising love that never quite lived up to its potential, and fractured relationships that can serve as a cautionary tale on Iyanla, Fix My Life.
Most of my dating life–up to my late 20s–consisted of surviving a deluge of red flags and mistaking them for par for the course of securing sweet love. And, I often contributed to my own toxic red flags, like snooping through my then-boyfriend’s phone without his permission. (Yes, young, immature, and capricious).
Oh, how I wish my parents had equipped me with a helpful list of green flags long before I scribbled my name on my and my older boyfriend’s apartment lease and before I packed up the shabby U-Haul along with the shattered pieces of a broken heart, several months later.
However, since we’re now living and thriving in a revolutionary conscious era of healing, self-love, and breaking generational curses, let’s focus on the good: green flags. They are the hallmarks of a soft, joyous life and, of course, healthy love.
What Green Flags To Look For In A Partner
In case you’re new to the term, green flags highlight positive actions or traits, which are usually signs of healthy behaviors.
Licensed clinical social worker, Khalida Bradford, LCSW, at A Journey of Wellness Therapy, says, “In my therapy practice, I look at the green flags in the relationship, and I always have my client identify and list what their green flags are so this can help them see what they view as important. These green flags are going to be individual and some general, but it really is going to depend on what that person values and sees fit for their life.”
Whether you’re single and dating, looking forward to returning to the dating pool, or in a committed relationship, here are 11 green flags to look for in a potential mate or existing relationship.
1.R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Respect is the solid foundation of any healthy relationship. Without respect, a flourishing love is difficult to exist. A green flag is planted when they demonstrate they can respect you. The whole you. Your hopes, cares, reveries. Your noes and yeses. They even respect when you activate your boundaries.
Bradford says boundaries are important because it ties into respect. “Having respect for someone’s individual boundaries is definitely a positive sign. When you think about healthy boundaries, you think about the need for someone’s personal space, time, privacy. You don’t want to date someone who for example, keeps calling your phone and not respecting your time at work; they’re not respecting your personal items–maybe they’re going through your stuff at home, driving by your house [unannounced]. Or, if you say, ‘My boundary is that I don’t allow people to come over to my house on the first few dates’ and yet they keep trying to come over.
"There are so many different aspects to what healthy boundaries are. And it’s a green flag if someone has already established healthy boundaries.”
2.Communication Is Top Tier
Clear and effective communication is typically a must-have skill or trait that companies require in the professional world, and for good reason. Likewise, for couples or people getting to know one another, the ability to communicate effectively is an essential building block to construing and maintaining a healthy relationship.
Forms of healthy communication include that they check in with you regularly. They are consistent in communicating. They put in the time to get to know you. Or, if you’ve been partnered for a while, they take the time to stay updated with all that’s currently going on with you. And my personal favorite: they are a good listener.
Establishing each other’s preferred method of communication is also critical. Do they prefer to text, email, or call? Do they like “good morning, babe” texts or, are after-work calls more their style? What works best for you?
As a writer/producer who sits poorly slouched over a computer typing for over nine hours a day, I prefer to give my carpal tunnel wrists, hands, and fingers a break by sending vivacious voice notes or scheduling phone calls with bae. Plus, I like the fact that I can convey my true emotion and tone through voice notes and phone calls. And vice versa, I can hear his too.
Relationships often falter simply because one or both people are unable to communicate the things they need or want. As the old adage goes, “A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.”
Thus, having top-tier communication is key because, as Bradford says, “It allows you to express your needs, wants, and concerns."
3.Safe and Secure
In a world that is often turbulent, unsafe, and overwhelming with uncertainty, it’s heartening to both meet and share your world with someone who makes you feel safe and secure.
You’re confident that whether you have a profound conversation with them, send intimate selfies, or share a litany of unfiltered details of yourself, those moments or items are safe between the two of you.
Another green flag is that your nervous system feels at ease and peace when you’re around them or when you simply hear the cadence in their voice. They create a perpetual, safe space enabling you to feel unencumbered to give your body, mind, emotions, and the many layers of yourself.
4.Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is a cacophony of hidden gems.
Photo by Case Kenny, That's Bold of You
Emotional intelligence is a cacophony of hidden gems. It is the golden key that unlocks the treasure to build and sustain a wealth of healthy love and relationships.
Does your potential partner or current partner display empathy? Are they caring? Mature in their decision-making and responses? Are they able to control and regulate their emotions?
Conflict is inevitable, but if they’re able to regulate their emotions–such as self-soothe, diffuse a fight, admit when they’re wrong, or empathize with you–hooray! These are all signs of green flags.
5.Trustworthy
Trust is like a whimsical botanical garden: In all its glory, it's built over time. You must plant the seeds of trust and continually water and nourish your efforts, long after the petals have bloomed.
A sure green flag is when you can wholly trust them–with every fiber of your being, and with your time and resources. You can even trust sharing your secrets, future plans, and dreams. You can confide in them with your past, which, let’s be honest, everyone isn’t equipped to handle. And you can trust both their words and actions.
There’s no greater euphoric feeling than the ability to trust whatever your potential mate or partner says because fidelity has been established. Like when he/she says the reason they didn’t answer their phone at 11:37 p.m. last Saturday was because they were sprawled out on the couch in a deep sleep–instead of letting your mind wander into a myriad of catastrophic scenarios, you can relax knowing they’re telling the truth. Or when they say, “She’s just a friend.” She really is… just a platonic friend.
6.Character Is A-1
As you grow and mature, what matters most in the grand scheme of life crystalizes. External factors like what they do for a living, how much money they make, how many degrees they’ve accumulated, or how chiseled their physique is, fade into the background of importance, while one’s character shines brightly in the spotlight.
Their character will demonstrate if they are reliable. Whether they are a person of their word. If they will show up when they say they will. If they’re truthful and embody integrity. And whether they uphold their character when they’re not around you.
A supportive person is also a green flag. Someone who encourages your endeavors, goals, and your loftiest dreams. Someone who celebrates your progress, wins, and success–and has compassion for your failures.
Sure, a person’s enticing, dapper appearance and status may attract you to them, but ultimately, it’s their character that will sustain the test of a relationship’s time.
7.Thoughtful/Considerate
Thoughtfulness and consideration are powerhouse underdogs when it comes to green flags in relationships.
Photo by Case Kenny, That's Bold of You
Whenever you scrawl your list of top “must haves” in a highly desirable partner, in your journal–or as the honeymoon has long phased out and you begin to analyze the good, bad, and what needs improvement–thoughtfulness and consideration may not immediately make your Top Five, but these two green flags are powerhouse underdogs. After all, it’s the tiny things that make a monumental difference in dating and relationships.
Bradford believes, “Thoughtfulness and consideration go hand-in-hand. Like, the way someone thinks about you; they think about how something is going to make you feel. If there’s a certain behavior, action, or situation that they may be engaged in, they consider your feelings in it. They consider how it will make you feel.”
She continues, “For thoughtfulness, it’s someone who thinks about you in a way that shows a high level of interest and effort. In essence, they’re listening to you, they’re observing, they hear what you say. For example, ‘I heard you say you had a bad day, so I’m going to schedule a massage for you.’ Or ‘I know you like sparkling water, so I bought you a case of sparkling water.' They’re showing they are both thoughtful and considerate.”
8.Generosity Is Good for the Soul
There’s nothing sexier than a magnanimous beau. There are a multitude of ways one can be generous. And generosity isn’t to be conflated with the amount of money one has, ‘cause Lord knows I’ve dated enough men who were affluent and stingy, just as I’ve known men who've had modest means but were extremely benevolent and would happily give you their last $20, plus the warm coat off their back in the middle of a snowstorm.
Do they help the less fortunate, family, or friends with their resources? Do they tip well when they receive good services? Are they willing to lend their time, talent, or natural gifts to volunteer or mentor? If so, these are just a few ways they’ve demonstrated a green flag.
9.Financial Wellness
Money, money, money. If you’re currently in a serious relationship or have ever been, then you, too, can attest that finances play a significant role. While every couple has their own unique set of rules as to who should pay or split the bills, rent/mortgage, and life’s other never-ending expensive expenses, a partner’s financial wellness is a tremendous green flag.
“How secure they are financially? Someone who is in-tuned and mindful about how they spend, save, invest. Someone who isn’t overspending; they spend responsibly. Those are all major green flags for a partner to have,” Bradford emphasizes.
10.Values Family and Friendships
How a person treats their family and friendships is not all-encompassing of who they are as a person (because humans are capable of compartmentalizing), but their treatment of their loved ones is largely indicative of how their actions towards you, can and will be.
Bradford notes, “Someone who is family-oriented is a green flag because you can see what their values are. Family being important to them means they will also support you and encourage you to establish and maintain good relationships with your family.”
Does your person show up for their loved ones in times of need? Do they speak positively about those closest to them? Is your person a beacon of light or a source of joy, hope, and replenishment for their family and friends? If so, wave that green flag.
11.Acceptance (For the Real You)
If bae can accept the totality of who you are, that’s a green flag. They don’t try to change you or make snide remarks about how you would be more desirable or look better if you were something else. They appreciate and adore you for who you authentically are.
And they accept that when you do inevitably change–be it physically, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise–they are appreciative of the new version of you.
I knew I had finally entered my healthy relationship era when I could freely divulge the scariest parts of me–my flaws and the emotional baggage from toxic ex-boyfriends and fun-boys–for the first time in my life. My then-partner fully embraced my most vulnerable parts and cheered me on in my journey of healing.
Becoming the Green Flags You Desire
Chile, I’ve endured an obscene amount of trial and error throughout my glorious dating and relationship years–but I’m grateful that through habitual meditation, therapy, prayer, and asking God to show me what healthy love truly looks like that I’ve finally gained clarity and wisdom on green flags that I should discern in a partner and epitomize myself.
Because after all, finding the healthy and positive traits we admire in our ideal person begins with embodying the qualities we seek in others.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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