Although I write about romantic relationships more than friendships, I do enjoy covering the topic of what it means to have a good — and not-so-good — friend from time to time. And when it comes to this platform and today’s topic, if there are two articles that I wish everyone would read before diving into what we’re about to tackle, they would probably be “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them” and “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
Understanding the Difference Between a Close Friend & an Acquaintance
Why? Because they both address the issue that not all friendships are created equal — and y’all, keeping that in mind is definitely something that can spare you a lot of unnecessary drama and trauma. Yet, even beyond that, I think it’s important to recognize and then accept that just because you and some people have things in common or enjoy spending time together, it doesn’t necessarily or automatically mean that they have earned the honor of actually being your friend (check out “Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'”).
I’m telling you, spend enough time on this earth and you’ll realize that a true friend is rare; however, what isn’t so hard to find are good or even close acquaintances.
So, let’s explore some of the main differences between an acquaintance and a friend. I’m telling you, a simple exercise like this can make your relationships so much easier to deal with and navigate through — because when you’re clear about who and what someone is, you can then manage your expectations and move accordingly (which is a lifesaver in the long run).
The Difference Between a Close Friend and an Acquaintance
1. Acquaintances Are Casual. Friendships Are Purposeful.
GiphyIf you get nothing else out of this, please hear me when I say that one way to know if someone is truly an individual who needs to be in your life, on an intimate level, is they will reveal or magnify some sort of real purpose for you. While one definition of purpose is "the reason why something exists," another definition is "an intended result" and yes, a friend should be able to check off these boxes.
What I mean by this is, if you were to journal about your actual friends (which isn’t a bad idea, by the way), it shouldn’t take you very long to jot down the clear ways that they help you to become a better person and the things that they’ve added to your life — and indirectly because of that, yes, you should end up becoming stronger in your purpose or better equipped to reach certain goals (because when something or someone makes you better in one way, it tends to have a rippling effect into others).
On the other hand, when it comes to acquaintances, it doesn’t usually go that deep because it doesn’t really matter. Since the dynamic is more casual, if they’re around, cool, and if they’re not…also, cool. You may like spending time with them; however, as far as actually needing them in your life? Eh…probably not.
The point that I’m trying to make here is, that if your life was a long-ass movie about friendships, acquaintances wouldn’t have leading or supporting roles. Nah, they would be more like the extras; close ones? They might have a line or two. Yes, they create a presence — just not a super significant one.
2. Acquaintances Have Walls. Friendships Don’t.
GiphyOne definition of an acquaintance is someone you know; at the same time, they aren’t someone who you are particularly close to. Know what that means to me? An acquaintance is someone who you have some boundaries, limits, and even walls up with. Sure, they’re fun to be around; still, that doesn’t mean that when the two of you hang out, they need to know what’s going on with you and your man or that you’ve been going through a season of feeling kind of low about yourself.
An acquaintance, even a close one, is someone who you can exchange superficial stories with at work or enjoy a couple of drinks with afterward — yet if you were to die today, they would probably come to your funeral and be surprised about a lot of the things that were said about you because when the two of you are together, you tend to stay in the “shallow end” of the relational pool…and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Intimacy is earned, and acquaintances are usually either not interested in or willing to put in the work to get that close to you. All good. You’ve already got friends for that.
And yes, while it is good and wise to have a certain level of boundaries with all people (and I do mean, ALL — if you’re married and never read the book, Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships, it’s a blessing), because friends tend to be people who you really know and fully trust, you don’t need to be as guarded. And that’s why they are typically the first folks you call when you lose your job, or you need the kind of favor that you might be uncomfortable asking anyone else for (sometimes, including your own family).
At the same time, because your walls are down with them, they are just as comfortable coming to you with very private matters or needs as well.
3. Acquaintances Are Transient. Friendships Are (Typically) Longer Lasting.
GiphyProbably one of the biggest differences between a close acquaintance and an actual friend is that since there is no commitment in acquaintance dynamics, they don’t tend to have a very long (or reliable) shelf life. In other words, a good acquaintance might be in your life for a few months while you’re taking a class together or maybe even a couple of years while you’re working at a particular job; however, once you shift, the interaction with that individual does, too.
Since the two of you are not mutually invested on a deeper level, you’re usually not intentional about doing what is required to make the relationship last no matter what — like you would with a friendship.
With friendships…say that one of yours was about to move to another city or state. If they are truly your friend, the two of you are going to discuss what needs to be done to keep the relationship as intact as possible. With an acquaintance? It’s more like, “It was good knowing you, take care, and let’s make sure to follow each other on socials.”
For the record, that’s not a red flag. You’re not bonded on any significant level, so there’s no need to work on the relationship as if you are. #Elmoshrug
4. Acquaintances Are Compartmentalized. Friendships Aren’t. Kind Of.
GiphyRemember how I said in the intro that Aristotle once said that we should have utility, pleasure, and good friends? I agree with that wholeheartedly in the overall picture. Why? Knowing if your friends are connected to your work/purpose, if they are simply to help you to relax and have a good time, or if they are there to help hold you accountable and build character, can help you to understand how to properly navigate through each of those relationships. At the same time, though, I actually think that acquaintances are even more compartmentalized than that.
Take a client of mine who needed some help deciding if he should move out of state or not. As we were going through the ever-so-faithful pros and cons list, he said that one thing that he really was going to miss was his softball team. He enjoys sports, working out, and the camaraderie between him and the players. Thing is, as I started to go deeper, he reflected on the fact that they don’t ever call to check on him in between games, and he really doesn’t interact with them at all outside of them. After about 20 minutes of talking it out, he came to the conclusion that all he really had in common with those people was softball — and that wasn’t really a good enough reason to stay (he left a week ago, by the way).
While I was in the process of “getting my letters” in life coaching, I met some hella cool people. During those several months, I talked to them a lot (hell, probably more than my actual friends) because I was in an accelerated program in order to get everything done within six months of time. Since I’ve finished, though? Eh. I talk to a couple of the other individuals every few months or so. They were compartmentalized acquaintances. We had school in common and not much else. And so, when school was over, so was our interaction. Fond memories, just nothing really life-altering to hold on to.
5. Acquaintances Don’t Require a Lot of Effort. Friendships Need Maintenance.
GiphyOkay, y’all see what month it is, right? My birthday was in June, and ever since then, a guy that I know has been promising to take me out for a (non-romantic) birthday dinner. Now, guess how many times he has rescheduled? Five — in a row. Yep. Matter of fact, at the time that I am penning this, just a couple of days ago, he shot another blank right when I was about to walk out of the door. I can only imagine how pissed I would’ve been had I not sent a text to confirm that he was going to meet me at the restaurant.
Not only was he on some “damn, my bad” again, he didn’t even call to make things right. After five damn times. Uh-uh. And what that actually confirmed for me is we’re not actually friends; we’re cool acquaintances because he was far too nonchalant and cavalier about messing with my schedule like that — and accepting that fact actually kept me from harboring any ill-will. I simply told him that we should remain in communication through the phone, and for now, it’s on him to even initiate that.
Yes, he’s busy (very; I’m aware of what he does in this city of mine); however, we prioritize what matters to us. It really is as simple as that.
The moral of the story with this one? One of the reasons why acquaintances are even a “thing” is because they are the types of people in our lives who don’t require a lot of mental or emotional effort. See, my actual friends? They planned for my birthday beforehand because they know how important that day is to me. Acquaintances? Although you can’t convince me that he wasn’t tacky as hell for how he handled matters, clearly, he doesn’t see me as a friend because he was so flippant about everything.
While friends will make plans and make sure to keep them to show how much they value someone, acquaintances tend to be more on the tip of, “If you’re free, I’m free, and it’s not going to cause me to go out of my way, let’s hang out for a couple of hours.” And honestly, there is nothing wrong with this — so long as you and the other person have a mutual understanding that neither one of you wants to put a lot of effort into your dynamic — that you want things to be carefree with very little maintenance required.
Friendships? You can never be so cavalier. If you want them to remain healthy and strong, you’ve got to show up and put some work in…and not just when you “feel like it.”
6. Acquaintances Are Fun. Friendships Are Real.
GiphyHonestly, this one right here is why I think all of us can benefit from having some close — which can also be interchangeable with “consistent” — acquaintances in our lives. On the heels of what I just said, even though friendships are precious and necessary beyond measure, it can be fun to have folks around where it doesn’t require much to be in their space. Go to dinner, have some laughs about something you saw on TikTok, go home — end of story.
Since you and your acquaintances are not super invested in each other’s lives, you can keep things light and easy, pretty much all of the time and we all can use that type of relational refresher sometimes.
Actually, one of my closest friends and I talk about this fairly often. I adore her. She is one of my favorite people on the entire planet. Still, because we are so much a part of each other’s worlds, we like that we’ve also got individuals with who we can just sit around somewhere and share stories about celebrity news, our takes on politics, or what we learned from our 20s, laugh for hours and that be it.
Our friendship? Oh, we laugh — BE CLEAR. However, because of the level of our commitment, we have things that sometimes we have to work through as we grow, shift, and transition into different versions of ourselves. I guess the way that I would wrap this one up is a close acquaintance is oftentimes like a commercial break or intermission in life — if you see them for what they are and resign within yourself to not expect anymore, you can “exhale” in your moments with them and then go back to your world, as scheduled.
___
A Turkish playwright by the name of Mehmet Murat İldan once said, “Acquaintances are always abundant; friends are always scarce!” After reading this, perhaps it makes (more) sense why that is the case.
Y’all, there is nothing wrong with having acquaintances in your life. I personally find them to oftentimes be unexpected blessings. Just don’t try to turn them into friends if that’s not what they are supposed to be in your life.
From personal experience, I’m telling you that if you apply this relational rule, you can sit back and enjoy acquaintances for what they are. Friends for who they are…too.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023