I remember the day of my wedding…when I started feeling my contraception ring coming out of my vagina. I had only recently started using the ring even though I was more used to taking the pill. There I was in the bathroom stall with one of my bridesmaids, and she was literally helping to guide my ring back up into my vagina because I could feel it slipping out of me. Although quite embarrassing, let's just say that we're forever bonded by that experience. So, have you ever tried a new birth control method that wasn't the best for you but it seemed to work well for others?
During a recent interview with Board Certified Obstetrician & Gynecologist, Dr. Chimsom Oleka, she provided a list of all of the birth control methods currently available, which can potentially serve as a starting point for those of you who may be exploring new contraceptive methods.* As you continue reading, you'll notice that the list is organized based on what Dr. Oleka refers to as Short-acting (hormonal and non-hormonal), to Long-acting, to Barriers of Protection.
Before we dive into the list, let's first clarify specifically what birth control does. As. Dr. Oleka explained, for most methods, birth control releases certain hormones in your body which contributes to the ultimate end goal: block ovulation or keep an egg from being released, thicken the mucus in the cervix so that sperm can't pass through, and/or thin the lining of the uterus, which decreases chances of implantation. Each birth control method is designed to do each or all of these things, but depending on the method, they will either do them better, worse, or not at all.
Choosing The Best Birth Control Method For You
SHORT-ACTING BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
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Note: Throughout this section, you will notice references related to "continuous" or "extended" usage. As Dr. Oleka explained, many of us have a false idea of what the period is supposed to do. Contrary to popular belief in terms of what our menstrual cycle does and why it's "necessary" every month, ultimately its main purpose is for pregnancy. That's it.
As Dr. Oleka expertly pointed out, "It's the birth control's period, not your period. Your birth control will start stimulating the lining and doing all of the things that cause you to bleed." So, as long as you have a hormone that's assisting with protecting and keeping your uterus lining thin, and as long as you've consulted your physician beforehand, then you don't have to necessarily worry about shedding the lining every month (i.e. having a period).
Consider, for example, women who have bleeding disorders (i.e. their bodies bleed too much or won't stop bleeding), female athletes, as well as those who may suffer with things such as menstrual migraines…situations like these support the case for continuous or extended methods.
Method: Birth Control Pill (Hormonal - Estrogen and Progesterone)
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How It's Administered: Self-ingested orally, daily
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate (i.e., approximately 1 in 10 will get pregnant)
Description & Overview:
Birth control pills usually come in 28-day pill packs (four rows of seven pills) including a week of placebo, non-active pills. There are different variations as well, but it's critical that you take it every day at the same time.
The most commonly used pill has both estrogen and progesterone. With estrogen, it tends to help provide more stability of the lining. However, some people may not want estrogen or they may have an underlying medical issue that conflicts with the estrogen. There is a risk of blood clots, although fairly low, but the risk of this goes up when you're pregnant. With the pill, it helps regulate the bleeding, which in turn, helps make it predictable. It's known to have protective benefits such as helping to decrease risk of certain cancers and it can help reduce symptoms related to fibroids.
Also, you can use this method, as well as other methods, continuously or in an extended way so that you can delay or skip the bleeding (i.e. going on vacation). For example, if you wanted to try an extended use, then you could delay the withdrawal bleeding (period) for a set number of weeks or months by skipping the last row for let's say two months. Then, you would take the last row of inactive pills the third month, so that you would only bleed approximately every 10 weeks.
On the other hand, if you're someone who decides "I don't want to bleed at all," then you could skip the last row of inactive pills and move forward with starting the new pack each month. Keep in mind, if you don't bleed or you bleed too heavily already, there may be other medical issues going on, so as always, you'll want to consult your physician about this.
Side effects can vary, but some of the most common side effects include: nausea, breast tenderness, and initial irregular bleeding.
Method: Birth Control Pill (Hormonal - Progesterone Only)
How It's Administered: Self-ingested orally, daily
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
This method basically works pretty much the same as the first pill mentioned above, but it doesn't include estrogen. It only includes progesterone.
Progesterone-only pills can be harder for some women to use because you have to be really consistent. If the daily pill ingestion time is missed by as little as three hours, then it loses its efficacy. Hence, it's critical that you take the pill every day at the same time.
With the progesterone-only pill, there's also a greater chance of irregular bleeding. Hence, this method is usually recommended by the physician if there are estrogen-related conflicting medical issues.
Method: Vaginal Ring (Hormonal – Estrogen and Progesterone)
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How It's Administered: Self-inserted through Vagina
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The vaginal ring is a soft, flexible ring approximately two inches wide and four centimeters thick that is self-inserted and removed in/out of the vagina. Some women will tie a string to the ring and there's also an applicator that can be used to assist with insertion and removal.
The vaginal ring stays in for three weeks and releases hormones every day. Once removed for seven days, it allows withdrawal bleeding (period) to occur. Then, a new ring is inserted every four weeks. This method can be used continuously if you bypass the seven days and move forward with inserting the new ring every three or four weeks, or in an extended way if you bypass the seven days every few months or so.
The ring has been known to cause breakthrough or irregular bleeding. Not to mention, there are times when the ring can slip out during sex, which of course can directly impact the efficacy.
Method: Progesterone-Only Shot (Hormonal - commonly referred to as “Depo”, short for Depo Medroxyprogesterone Acetate)
How It's Administered: Injected in arm by physician
Efficacy: 6% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The progesterone-only shot is usually injected every three months (or every 11 to 13 weeks). Although the failure rate is approximately 6%, that's also related to the fact that patients are late with getting their scheduled shot.
Depo is known to decrease bone mineral density (contributes to the risk of fractures) within the first two years, but you start to recover it within 30 months after you stop taking it.
Also, because the shot can linger in your system up to nine months after your last shot (not the efficacy), it has the propensity to delay the return to your normal fertility state.
Some of the most common side effects include weight gain with research showing that it can act as an appetite stimulant.
Method: The Patch (Hormonal – Estrogen and Progesterone)
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How It's Administered: Self-adhesive
Efficacy: 7 to 9% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The patch is a small, square-shaped band-aid like adhesive or patch that can be applied to your upper arm, abdomen, or butt. You receive a new patch every three weeks and the fourth week is when you're patch free to allow for withdrawal bleeding.
This method is not recommended for extended or continuous cycles like with the pill and ring because it has higher levels of estrogen, which means increased risk for blood clots. Also, if you have sensitive skin or you're prone to breakouts and rashes, then you may want to avoid this method as well.
The patch can cause irregular or breakthrough bleeding or no bleeding at all depending on the individual. During the first few months of use, you may experience that as well as nausea, but it usually improves over time.
Method: Family Planning (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: N/A - Personal planning and scheduling
Efficacy: Up to 40% failure rate
Description & Overview:
There are a variety of options as it relates to family planning including: use of calendars, basal body temperature, cervical mucus, and more. There are a lot of useful tracking apps that can help with these methods as well.
Family planning can be taught and is a pretty well-accepted method. However, it can only be used if you have a regular cycle. Also, it has a very high failure rate because it requires extensive tracking and managing certain records such as time, ovulation, and temperature. So, you have to be extremely detailed-oriented, organized, and highly motivated to be successful with family planning. Otherwise, it can be extremely overwhelming for some people.
Due to the excessive planning and stringent scheduling, it can potentially decrease sexual spontaneity and/or convenience.
LONG-ACTING BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
Method: IUD (Hormonal - Progesterone Only)
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How It's Administered: Inserted vaginally by physician (through opening of cervix, into the uterus)
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate
Description & Overview:
The IUD has varying brands (Mirena has been around the longest), costs, and dosages. The IUD is a small, t-shaped plastic piece, approximately 3 cm in size, although the size can vary as well. In addition to women who have had children, the IUD can be used in teenagers as well as women who have not have had babies.
Remember, this is a longer-acting method, so this is ideal for someone who wants to hold off on having children for a longer period of time.
Some of the most common side effects include insertional discomfort (I'm a personal witness to this) and irregular bleeding although it tends to help those who suffer from painful periods and heavy flow. The longer you leave it in, the less likely you'll bleed.
Method: Copper IUD (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Inserted vaginally by physician (through opening of cervix, into the uterus)
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate
Description & Overview:
Similar to the IUD previously mentioned, the copper IUD is a latex-free, t-shaped, plastic piece but it also includes areas of exposed copper. By releasing copper salts into your body, the copper tricks the uterus into thinking something foreign is inside, creating an appearance of a "chaotic" environment in your system, which ultimately blocks sperm and prevents reproduction. It can last for 10 years, but it has been known to be effective for up to 12 years.
The copper IUD is ideal for someone who doesn't want to deal with hormones, or someone who is certain they don't want children for a long time. There are instances where it can be used as emergency contraception but it won't work if something has already been implanted.
Because this method doesn't affect ovulation, this method is also ideal for women who want to continue bleeding or women within certain cultures where the idea of contraception isn't readily accepted. This can serve as contraception method without anyone else truly knowing that you're taking it because you will still have a period as normal.
The most common side effects usually include more painful cramping or heavier bleeding.
Method: Contraceptive Implant (Hormonal – Progesterone Only)
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How It's Administered: Implanted in arm by physician
Efficacy: Less than 1% failure rate (the most effective method)
Description & Overview:
The contraceptive implant is a flexible, plastic rod that's placed inside the upper arm. It's small and thick - approximately 4 cm long and 2 mm thick. It releases hormones daily, and lasts for three years, although recent data shows it may last longer than that. After three years, you get a new one if you choose to do so. Otherwise, you will return back to your baseline fertility.
Some of the most common side effects can include irregular bleeding, no bleeding (approximately 6%), or heavier bleeding. For those who experience irregular bleeding, there are ways to decrease it and make it more manageable. Also, there are rare occasions where, if placed improperly, it can shift or migrate.
BARRIERS OF PROTECTION** BIRTH CONTROL METHODS
The most common effects for any of the following methods can include vaginal discharge and irritation. After the use of these, the return to fertility is usually fairly quick.
As it relates to a lot of these barriers of protection, Dr. Oleka likes to think of it this way, "Condoms should be used more so for STD and HIV/AIDS protection, and less for pregnancy prevention." Nevertheless, they are still considered methods for both pregnancy and STD/HIV prevention.
Method: Male Condom (Non-hormonal)
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How It's Administered: Applied by male on his penis
Efficacy: 15% failure rate (research across the board states this although it seems quite questionable by both the expert and the writer)
When to Apply: Right before sex
Description & Overview:
Condoms are usually latex or you can opt for lambskin if you're allergic to latex. However, anything non-latex has been known to be less effective in preventing pregnancy as well as STDs. With condoms, common things like inconsistent use, slippage during sex, and the risk of it tearing are a few factors that can directly impact the overall efficacy.
Method: Female Condom (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 21% failure rate
When to Apply: Right before sex
Description & Overview:
Similar to the male condom, the female condom has a thick ring that's used for placement within the vagina along with the pouch that goes in when it's time to have sex. There's also a thin ring that goes outside of the vagina. With this method, proper placement is just as important because it helps prevent condom slippage during sex. Also, the male condom should not be used when the female condom is used because it can cause tearing.
Method: Diaphragm
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How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 16% failure rate
When to Apply: Up to six hours before sex.
Description & Overview:
The Diaphragm is reusable silicon disk that's self-inserted through the vagina. Similar to the cervical cap, it should be inserted up to six hours before you have sex and should remain in your vagina at least six hours after sex. A spermicide should also be used in conjunction with the diaphragm to help ensure efficacy. It's also possible for the diaphragm to become dislodged during sex.
Method: Cervical Cap (Non-hormonal)
How It's Administered: Self-inserted vaginally
Efficacy: 14 to 20% failure rate
When to Apply: Up to six hours before sex
Description & Overview:
The cervical cap is a reusable silicone rubber cup that sits on the cervix while you're having sex. Think of it as a "hat" that comes in different sizes and sits on your cervix. It's usually inserted into the vagina up to six hours prior to sex, it should remain in there for at least six hours after sex (and can remain there up to 48 hours). Of note, it only works if used with a spermicide. There's usually only one brand available in the United States.
One thing to consider is proper placement of the cap, and making sure you're comfortable with putting it in your vagina. Also, if you've already had a baby, then you'll have a higher risk of contraception failure.
Additionally, here are a few things Dr. Oleka suggests women should consider before choosing a contraceptive:
- What are your chances of getting pregnant with this method (efficacy)?
- What do you want your bleeding profile to look like (i.e. how often do you want your "withdrawal bleeding" or menstrual cycle to occur)? How will this affect my bleeding profile?
- What does your lifestyle look like (i.e. will it be difficult to remember to take the pill every day versus another option that may not require as much involvement)?
- What are your priorities? What does the timeline for trying, starting, or growing your family look like?
- How long do you want it to be in effect or control?
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As always, Dr. Oleka reminds everyone to be sure and consult your physician* when deciding on a method because hormones affect individuals differently. Not to mention, there's certain criteria and health/risk factors that doctors review and consider when determining contraception needs for their patients.
With most methods, efficacy is usually effective within a week or so, but to be safe, Dr. Oleka suggests giving the new contraception at least a month or two to allow enough time to confirm efficacy on your side and to see how well your body reacts to it.
*Before taking any medications, over-the-counter drugs, supplements or herbs, consult a physician for a thorough evaluation. xoNecole does not endorse any medications, vitamins or herbs. A qualified physician should make a decision based on each person's medical history and current prescriptions. The prescribing physician should be consulted concerning any questions that you have.
**Quick note about Plan B: Plan B is NOT a standard contraceptive like those mentioned above. Conversely, it is an emergency contraceptive, and should be used as soon as possible after sex (within 72 hours, up to 5 days). Dr. Oleka recommends that you already have some beforehand to prevent from panicking or having to run around to find in the middle of the night trying to find an open local pharmacy.
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When I write my next book (that’s currently slated for release in June of 2024; just in time for a big milestone), I’m going to share some of the things that personally caused me to go through the ending of some friendships. For now, I’m going to share a big one: friendship infidelity.
Yeah, I know — oftentimes, whenever the word “infidelity” is used, the main (if not only) thing that comes up in people’s minds is someone cheating on their partner. However, if you’ve read my content for a while now, you already know that an “occupational hazard” of mine is the fact that, as a writer, I’m pretty word-literal. Therefore, when it comes to infidelity, I’m aware that it’s got more than one meaning. And when it comes to friendship (or so-called friendships — check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” and “7 Signs Your Friendship...Actually Isn't One”), yes, there is a definition that totally applies. Let’s discuss.
What Does Infidelity Literally Mean?
GiphyIn order for this to “scratch any itch” that you might have about this particular topic, let’s get into the definition of infidelity that I was referring to. While yes, the most popular one is “marital disloyalty; adultery” (one day, we’ll have to talk about how the Bible doesn’t define adultery in the way that folks think it does (check out Matthew 19 sometime), another definition is “unfaithfulness; disloyalty.” While we’re at it, let me share a few synonyms for the word too: betrayal, falseness, inconstancy (bookmark that), deceit, double-dealing, fraud, breach of trust, violation, dishonesty, and false-heartedness.
Okay, so now do you see how it is totally appropriate to use the word “infidelity” in the realm of friendship if someone has been unfaithful or disloyal to you in any of these ways (that inconstancy one is a mutha!)? Do you also get that there is a huge possibility that, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, there are times when you’ve committed some form of infidelity when it comes to one or more of the friends in your life?
Because be real — have you never breached their trust? Have you always been consistent? To violate is to treat someone or something with disrespect. Have you never done that before? Only your ego would tell you that you’ve been a perfect friend — and the ego lies.
That said and with the meanings of a different kind of infidelity established, let’s now talk about how to approach this type of experience…because it ain’t easy.
When It Comes to Faithfulness in Your Friendships, What Should Your Expectations Be?
GiphyAs far as having my own accounts, I don’t do social media (still trying to decide if I will, a little bit, around my book release) — and it has been peace, wonderful peace, to live that way. This means that it’s pretty rare that I’ll read comments via any of the platforms I write for (also peaceful). Oh, but a few years ago, when I penned “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other,” I did tiptoe out a bit, and boy, some folks were disgruntled with me, chile. I was called petty, problematic, and a host of other stuff.
Uh-huh first, I don’t get how you can be mad at me about what works for me and my life (being controlling manifests in all sorts of cryptic ways) and secondly, time and experience have taught me that it’s a boundary that has served me extremely well. One of the reasons is that, since friendship infidelity is a very real thing, my lines not crossing helps to keep people from betraying my confidence or double-dealing in a way that may not even be intentional.
An example? Say that I have two friends and I tell one of them something in confidence. Then she tells the other friend, assuming that I already had because she thought that the other friend and I had similar discussions. This would be a non-issue if I hadn’t brought them together in the first place.
Another example is, one of my closest friends has some people who I like a lot who live in Nashville (my friend doesn’t). Sometimes, when she comes into town, we’ll all hang out. I don’t do it outside of that, though, because there are things that she shares with me about them on occasion (from a getting a different perspective to make certain decisions angle; especially since I’m a life coach) that I don’t want to make her or them feel awkward about (even if it’s just due to somewhat of a shift in my energy). Plus, everyone just needs to have their own people. This ain’t high school; everyone doesn’t have to be in the same cliques.
If one of my friends wants to vent about me…I don’t care if/when they are talking to someone who I don’t even know…because I’m not friends with that person… because I don’t expect anything from a complete stranger. So again, this type of boundary has served me extremely well over the years — and my friends agree. It has made “faithfulness” so much easier for all parties involved because again, lines don’t cross and things don’t get messy.
Okay. I’ll give you one more example that has to do with one of my male friends and his personal friendship-related preference. Due to his high-profile profession, he doesn’t like to be discussed at all, not even casually (really). He doesn’t want me to bring his name up and, when someone else does, he prefers that I keep the conversation down to an absolute minimum, no matter what the topic is. For him, it works for his close friendships to be somewhat private, so that people don’t know who they can go to in order to get in touch with him or to receive any intel that he hasn’t directly shared — professionally or personally.
Some people may call that “paranoid.” For him, it’s safe to move that way. And so, as his friend, it’s not my job to try and talk him out of his standard. If I value our friendship, I simply need to honor his request — plain and simple. To do otherwise would be an act of unfaithfulness (especially if I agreed to what he asked me to do and then switched up on him).
So, when it comes to you, what are your expectations? What do you need — actually require — of your own friends? Have you stated those things? Because you should never assume that your definition of what a friend should be is exactly the same as someone else’s. Next, have you made it abundantly clear to them that if those expectations are not honored, you will feel some level of betrayal? If you haven’t, you should because, although most of us can agree that a partner sleeping with someone other than their own spouse is a form of infidelity, friendship infidelity isn’t quite so black and white.
If you want your friend(s) to be faithful — “true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.,” “steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant” — you need to be upfront with them about what they are vowing to do…what you want them to be constant in? Because, again, how you might roll as a friend may be something different to/for them.
Come to think of it, love languages in friendships is a good example of this. One of my close friends is a quality time person; I’m not. On the other hand, I am a words of affirmation person; she isn’t. She used to think that it was a given that I should want to hang out at least once a month and I used to get irritated that she wasn’t big on words. When we had a talk about our individual expectations, we found a “middle ground” and that made things so much easier…on both sides. Indeed, in order to be faithful (or unfaithful), you first gotta know what you’ve agreed to be faithful to. It’s not fair to expect someone to honor you and what you bring to a friendship if you’re not communicating your expectations on the front end.
So, what should your expectations in your friendships be? That, I can’t answer for you, because even when it comes to across-the-board traits like support, availability, and communication, honestly, even those are gonna manifest differently for different people.
All I’m saying is make sure that you share what your expectations are as you listen to theirs as well. That way, you both can move forward in your friendship knowing what you have mutually agreed to actually be faithful to.
What Should You Do If a Friend “Cheats on You”?
GiphyOkay, so what if, after you have established what you need/expect from your friend, they are unfaithful or disloyal? That’s kind of a loaded question because there are a lot of different ways that this box can get checked. For instance, I once had a friend who kept trying to put me in touch with someone who I knew was unsafe (on a lot of levels). She kept asking and I kept telling her “no.” One day, she called me and then handed that person the phone — she was disloyal because she dishonored my boundary.
Back in the day, I used to write devotionals and I shared the story (sans her name) in it. All of a sudden, she thought that she was the victim (gaslighting friends are something else). So wait — you put me in harm’s way and I need to apologize to you for it? If her identity was obvious (I didn’t even say “she”), I get it — it wasn’t. She just felt guilty and didn’t want to take accountability. As a result, she weaponized our friendship by going ghost for like a year and then tried to come back as if nothing had ever happened. Chile.
For me, there was no coming back. The way she handled that, on a few different levels, was emotionally draining and I honestly didn’t have the stamina for it. So, I ended the relationship officially. Years later, we saw each other and made our peace. I’m fine with it being just that (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”).
That’s kind of an extreme example. Still, the reason why I brought it up is because I wanted you to see how I handled one form of friendship infidelity: I thought about what happened, I pondered what I was getting (and not getting) from the friendship, I thought about how she handles things when she is in the wrong and I focused on what would be the benefits and challenges of keeping her in my life. The conclusion that I came to is I care enough about her that we’re not rolling our eyes in the mall or sucking our teeth whenever one of our names comes up to the other yet I don’t want her to continue walking closely to me in my journey. I’m good.
For you, it might be a bit different. What if one of your friends betrays you in some way? Is it fair to take a “one-and-done” approach? I dunno. Is that how you would want your friends to handle you? Do you want to feel like, no matter what, after you make one mistake (or poor choice; not everything is a mistake…some things are intentional), there’s no coming back? If so, you might not want to have relationships at all because humans are fallible, INCLUDING YOU. You might as well settle in with that fact now or you’re about to be triggered, irritated, or angry for most of your life, chile.
What Should You Do If YOU’RE the One Who Cheats?
GiphyOver the weekend, I watched a movie where a woman cheated during a long-distance relationship and then claimed that her boyfriend was “punishing her” because he wasn’t over it a month later. The first thing that came to my mind? A lack of accountability. Why? Because I’m pretty sure that if the shoe had been on the other foot, she wouldn’t be all rainbows and sunshine four weeks later…either.
Being that I grew up in an environment (pretty much everywhere, including church) where folks absolutely sucked at taking personal responsibility for their actions without trying to make excuses, using justifications, deflecting, or gaslighting, I am almost violent about making sure that I don’t follow suit. And because I’ve had times when I’ve violated someone’s boundaries (I used to be more controlling than I should’ve ever been) and/or betrayed their trust (just because I’m basically an open book, that doesn’t mean that I should assume that everyone is the same way) — I’ve had to learn how to take full ownership for my actions. Then, if the person is open to accepting my apology, I would take things up a notch by making amends (check out “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made”).
If you’re not sure what an "amends" is, basically, when you’ve done something that has offended someone or caused them some type of harm if you’re truly remorseful, it’s not enough to flippantly toss a “my bad” in their direction. No, when you really get the magnitude of what has transpired — and if you want to restore the damage that was caused — you need to be intentional about doing something that will help with the healing process. This can happen with a simple, “What can I do to make things better?” People who apologize and then ask something along those lines show that they really get what they did; not only that but they are displaying that they want to humble themselves enough to help the person they hurt to “recover” in any way that they can.
So, if you are the one who was unfaithful or disloyal — own it, address it, apologize (without any unnecessary extra-ness, make amends, and then give your friend space to heal…however they need to do so. Infidelity hurts in any kind of relationship dynamic yet when two people — BOTH INDIVIDUALS — really want to make things work, they can come back from it. Oftentimes better than they were before.
How to Heal from Friendship Infidelity
GiphyIt really can’t be said enough that humans are fallible. In fact, it is my belief, that if more of us said that as a mantra, five times a day, we’d probably be a lot more merciful than we tend to be. Because since none of us are perfect — INCLUDING OURSELVES — it really is pretty ridiculous to expect to be in relationships with folks and have them never disappoint you (where they do that at?!). The reality is sometimes a friend may be disloyal — not in a malicious or redundant kind of way (another message, another time) but just…they didn’t meet your requirements, they hurt your feelings (even if not intentionally) or they simply made a poor decision. Just like you have before — and at some point, will again.
Yes, it can hurt; trust me, I’ve been there. At the same time, you can heal from the pain and your friendship can survive too. The key is to really process the character of your friend, the track record of your friend, and if the benefits far outweigh the challenges with them. If everything is on the upswing, talk to your friend about how you are feeling, pay close attention to how they respond (if there is remorse, compassion, and patience), and then make the decision that you want to move forward. And then move in a way that shows that you’ve learned from it all.
For instance, say that you told one of your friends something in confidence and they repeated it. After getting context, if it was reckless chatter, healing begins with forgiving them, them trying to make things right and then you easing into sharing anything else. No, it’s not about keeping the door shut forever — it’s more like, telling them something that you don’t really mind if it gets out. If it does, although that’s not a big deal, you will now see that yapping is a pattern for them and so, although you like having them in your life, being a “confidant space” is not where they need to be — at least not for quite some time.
And what if, in your opinion, there is no coming back from friendship infidelity? How do you heal from that? Well, you need to grieve it like you would grieve anything else. Go through the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The key is to not stay stuck; especially in anger. Because really, how is that gonna help or change anything?
I’ve gone through some acts of extreme infidelity that took me a while to move to acceptance — really accepting that it happened and fully accepting that I had to let the relationship go. Yet once I got there, healing was waiting for me. Because I wasn’t beating myself up trying to read someone else’s mind or motive or exhausting myself by wishing things were different. No one can change the past. Even accepting that can restore you to some pretty unexpected levels.
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This is the kind of topic that I really could write an entire book about. For now, I just hope that this article provides some clarity that, if you wonder if unfaithfulness is a real thing as far as friendship is concerned, it most certainly is. It’s also not automatically unforgivable either.
Last example: I’ve got a friend of decades who prioritized a woman that he barely knew over our friendship. Meaning, she was threatened by me being around and so he did whatever to make her happy even at the expense of what we agreed to do and be to each other, as friends. Friendship infidelity. He has since apologized and I told him what I am a firm believer in: the apology needs to breathe. I need to take some time, he needs to take some time and, in time, either we will still see value in our dynamic or, because an apology was made and then accepted, peace will always remain between us.
Infidelity is something that none of us want to experience — oh, but we probably will. When it comes to your friendships, perhaps you’ve got a (better) grasp on how to handle it.
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. Live long enough, chile, for better or for worse, you will know about both. I can almost guarantee it.
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