Why Waiting To Be 'Perfect' Is Keeping You From The Love You Want
Perfection is a coping mechanism we use when we are unable to give ourselves approval. It’s an inner battle for acceptance and validation from others. What’s ironic about perfection is no matter how much or how hard we try to do things “perfectly,” it never feels “good enough.” There is always some part of us that feels we need to do more and more because we are trying to fulfill this imaginary threshold of enoughness in order to be enough. But perfection is not real because it’s impossible to be perfect.
Many people on the path of healing and self-awareness subconsciously believe that there is this level of perfection they need to attain in order to date. They believe that it is only when they attain this level of perfection that they will be worthy of love. This belief comes from society, culture, and institutions. For example, in school, you are programmed to achieve a passing grade in order to get to the next level (to graduate, etc). If you do not pass your classes, you fail and you will not move forward to the next grade.
This can be extremely overwhelming for a child, especially if they are struggling in certain subjects or they may have a learning disability. Nevertheless, when things feel threatening we find ways to cope by being whoever it is we need to be to get social approval. You spend the majority of your formative years trying to get things right rather than getting them wrong, striving to pass rather than failing, and this is the very energy we take into our healing and our dating experiences.
We are still striving to achieve something, to reach something we believe is bigger than ourselves rather than simply allowing ourselves to be human and find people who accept us for us.
In this article, I will share four ways to work through the need to be "perfect" in order to start dating.
1.You are not being authentic when you are trying to be “perfect.”
As Black women, culture and society have conditioned us to work really hard to achieve things. Take the Super Bowl, for instance. Rihanna performed for the first time after a seven-year hiatus, and she shocked viewers when it was revealed that she was pregnant during her performance. Carrying a baby and performing in front of thousands, there were people still criticizing her performance because they felt she didn’t “do enough.” She showed up in her authenticity and it still wasn’t “enough." But it was more than enough for her fans, her loved ones, and most importantly herself.
When we are striving for a certain level of perfection in relationships, we become a slave to other people's standards. We become energetically tethered to their beliefs, their perception, and what we think they want from us in order to be loveable. If you didn’t learn anything from Rihanna’s halftime performance: It is absolutely impossible tomeet everyone's expectations.
Viewing our interpersonal relationships through the lens of perfection makes us more focused on performing rather than actually being. Rather than trying to meet everyone else’s expectations, it’s important to learn how to embrace who you are and create a level of intimacy with yourself. Intimacy means clearly seeing someone for who they are and meeting them where they are with love, compassion, and acceptance. When you are striving for perfection, you are actually inauthentic which is a barrier to intimacy and a clear sign of emotional unavailability.
2.Look at the parts of yourself you’re not accepting.
The belief that we must be perfect in our relationships in order to connect may be directly related to a fear of intimacy that carries the core belief that certain aspects of us are unloveable. This belief can stem from negative childhood imprinting and relational trauma. When we are told that certain aspects of ourselves are unloveable, we learn to disown those parts of ourselves and we cope by becoming whoever we need to be in order to function. For example, as a child, if you were often criticized or shamed for your sensitivity, you may cope by suppressing that part of yourself and taking on a mask of avoidance or a nonchalant attitude to ensure your survival growing up.
Inner child work can be helpful in unpacking the parts of yourself you may be suppressing. The longer you suppress these parts of yourself, the more they will keep showing up in your relationships. You may find yourself having strong reactions or judging others who exhibit characteristics you’ve suppressed. Learn to see your own humanity and start that process by embracing all of your insecurities because those are the places where you need the most love.
3.Embrace vulnerability rather than avoid it.
Striving for perfection in relationships can point to the fact that we have core needs that are not being met. Trying to be perfect can come from a lack of physical/emotional safety, lack of validation, approval, trust, and understanding in relationships. But when we are being vulnerable, we let people in and give them an opportunity to hold space for us.
In relationships, we have to give people the opportunity to hold space for us because it can go either one or two ways. They are either going to honor our needs and hold space for us, or they are going to show us with their actions that they do not have the capacity to honor our needs or hold space for us the way we need them to.
The issue comes in when we avoid vulnerability because we are so afraid of what that answer will be. But regardless of wherever the pendulum swings, what are you going to do with that answer? Are you going to stick around and wait for the person to meet your core values/needs/standards or do you have the courage to walk away and go get your needs met elsewhere?
Sometimes striving to be perfect is a reflection of an abandonment wound and an inability to walk away from relationships that do not serve you. Instead of waiting for people to disappoint you, focus on what you will do if they ever do disappoint you.
4.Show empathy and compassion for yourself and others.
It’s easy to judge someone, but it takes strength to really understand the deeper truth behind someone's behavior. Whatever we judge in someone else is a reflection of what we’ve disowned within ourselves. Take some time to learn what real empathy and compassion are and start by offering those things to yourself.
How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake? How do you speak to others when they make a mistake? Start to pay attention to how hard you may be on yourself and others. Where can you extend more empathy and compassion in your relationships without overriding your boundaries?
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Featured image by Cavan Images/Getty Images
- 5 Ways Your Pride Is Damaging Your Relationships ›
- Chasing Perfection Took Me Away From God ›
- Is There Really Such A Thing As A "Perfect Match"? ›
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Russell and Nina Westbrook Dish On The Key Ways To Avoid Resentment In Relationships
Russell and Nina Westbrook are one of those low-key, unproblematic couples we don’t talk about enough. They met in college and got married in 2015. They also have a beautiful family with three kids. While Russell is an NBA star, Nina is a licensed family and marriage therapist and a mental health advocate.
She recently launched the podcast The Relationship Chronicles with Nina Westbrook, and in the latest episode, she had none other than her husband on as a guest. The college sweethearts dived into important topics from marriage to children and how they navigate it all.
One of the topics they touched on was dealing with resentment in your relationship. The former MVP highlighted the sacrifices his wife has had to make in order for him to pursue a career in the NBA, and that’s why it’s also important for him to support his wife whenever he can.
“For me is respecting and understanding what your partner do and the time it takes,” Russell said. “Not kind of downplaying what they do, understanding the time and energy and effort they're doing to make sure whether it’s their job or making sure home is taken care of, and understanding that, I think that is the challenge of not being resentful.”
Nina agreed and also shared her thoughts on resentment. According to her, one of the best things couples should do is have their own identity and passions outside of the relationship in an effort to be fulfilled.
“I also think that when you’re in a relationship, that’s why it’s so important that each individual kinda pursue their own passions and follow their own dreams as I feel like it only becomes or leads to resentment when one person is not feeling fulfilled in what they're doing in their lives,” she explained.
“And so, they will start to look at the other partner who’s happy or excelling or promoting or moving along in their journey, then they’re left feeling stuck like they sacrificed themselves, their happiness, their career, their future and have not pursued it in the name of the relationship or their partner. So, it’s so much easier to avoid those feelings of resentment when you’re each equally pursuing your passions.”
The couple has many passions that they work on together and separately. Outside of basketball and his family, Russell has become known for his eclectic style and started the fashion brand Honor The Gift. Nina has her podcast, and she also started the mental health website Bene. Together, they run the Why Not? Foundation, which works with kids in underserved communities.
“I’m a firm believer that one person can’t be everything to you, so you have to sort of seek out those different friendships or groups or hobbies or activities that help to fulfill you,” Nina concluded.
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Feature image by Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images for Religion of Sports
