Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
August is a month of opportunity, and having patience with your progress. There are a lot of new beginnings and successful experiences flowing through the stars, but Mercury also goes retrograde this month, and there is a need to slow down right now as well. The month begins in Leo Season, and whenever the Sun is in a fire sign, it is always a more dynamic, passionate, and intense time for the collective.
With the New Moon of the month in Leo as well on August 4, things are heating up pretty quickly in August. The New Moon is the perfect time to set your intentions for the month and to also set your intentions for your self-confidence, personal success, and what’s going to make your heart shine. Not only do we have a New Moon on August 4, but Venus also enters the earth sign Virgo on this day as well, where she will remain until August 29.
Venus in Virgo brings more stable energy to relationship matters, and this is a time when the heart heals, priorities are recognized and unconditional love is favored. Venus in Virgo is selfless and gives love for the sake of being there for someone.
This is a good time to gain clarity within romantic matters, and to figure out what is going to be best for your health and well-being overall.
What August 2024 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
Mercury goes retrograde in August and will be retrograde in Virgo from August 5 until August 14, and then in Leo from August 14 until August 28. During the Mercury retrograde in Virgo transit, it’s all about the mind and finding healing here. Mercury is Virgo's planetary ruler so there is overall more magic felt with this transit than your typical Mercury retrograde because Virgo understands Mercury and vice versa.
While Mercury is retrograde in Leo for a few weeks, this energy may bruise some egos but overall allows people to gain clarity on self-expression, how they show up, and how they want to show up.
With all Mercury retrograde, communication matters should be taken with some extra precaution, hold off on signing any contracts unless necessary, and be more flexible with plans and changes that occur.
On August 19, we have one of the more potent Full Moons of the year, and that is the Supermoon in Aquarius, which also happens to be the Blue Moon of the year. This Supermoon is bringing in a lot of change, a lot of clarity, and the outcomes of what you have been committing to. This is a good time to let go of restrictive, self-imposed ideas of yourself, honor your freedom, and look at your authenticity with a renewed vision and sense of love. The Sun in Leo will be beaming support to us throughout the month, and this connection and support from the universe will especially be felt on this Supermoon.
Virgo Season officially begins on August 22, and it’s time to get organized, heal, do the work, and give a helping hand. When the Sun is in Virgo, we feel more inspired to get things done and take care of our well-being and the well-being of others, and this is overall a time when a lot is accomplished.
Venus enters Libra on August 29 before the month ends, and Venus is the ruling planet of Libra and feels at home here. We are leaving August with a sense of love renewed, the mind healed, and the past put behind us for good.
Read for your sun sign and rising sign below to see what the month has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
August is a month of claiming your peace, Aries. You are in a place in your life where you have learned a lot and grown even more, and now it’s time to live in this space of renewal. You are mentally ready to heal, and there is support and encouragement around you to do so. The month begins with the Sun in your 5th house of romance, hobbies, happiness, and self-expression, and with a New Moon here on August 4, you are walking into August feeling a little more optimistic than usual. Set your intentions for the things you want to see highlighted more in your life.
Moving further into the month, there is a Super Blue Moon in Aquarius happening on August 19, and this Supermoon is a chance for you to gain clarity within your friendships and community in life.
This Full Moon is the perfect opportunity for you to let go of the idea that you are separate from the people around you, and to find gratitude in the support that is coming in for you now. Before August ends, Venus moves into your opposite sign, Libra, and this is good news for love. You are ending the month with a new sense of well-being, self-trust, and emotional harmony.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
August is all about letting go, Taurus. You are working through a lot right now, and with the stars aligning in your 4th house of home and family for most of the month, you need some extra support and protection. This is the time to let go of the idea of how you thought things would be right now and to trust more in where they are. When Venus moves into your house of romance from August 4 until August 29, you are going to be in a good space to receive love but will have to remember to let it come to you more rather than force it.
On August 14, Mercury goes retrograde in your 4th house, and this is a good time to review matters of the home. Is your environment a space where you feel comfortable and authentic? Or are there certain things you can move around or different people you can be around? It’s all about checking in with your emotional world this month and starting from there. Before August comes to an end, a Supermoon is occurring in your 10th house of career, and some work matters are coming full circle for you now. You are receiving more support and recognition as you end the month, and remember this is a reflection of the work you’ve done within, and the love you have for yourself.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
August is a month of success and empowerment for you, Gemini. You are feeling on top of it right now and are being seen as the successful being you are. Even though the month begins with your ruling planet going retrograde, you are navigating this time with inspiration and empowerment, and are seeing progress made. The New Moon of the month is occurring on August 4, and this New Moon is creating a breakthrough for you communication-wise. Channels are clearing, and you are getting a fresh start to use your voice, speak your mind, and create a bridge of connection to others.
Mercury, your ruling planet, will be retrograde in your 4th house from August 5 until August 14, and this is a good time to heal, spend more time at home, and nourish your inner world.
Challenges with family or close loved ones may arise during this time, and it’s showing you overall what you need to feel supported and what those around you may need as well. On August 19, there is a Supermoon in your 9th house of adventure, travel, and the higher mind, and you are moving through life with clarity. This Supermoon is a big eye-opener for you, and you are moving mountains and chasing dreams. Overall, you are rising above and claiming your power in August, Gemini.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
You are renewing financially this month, Cancer. August is a month of stepping up to the plate, working on your goals, and receiving more positive feedback. A lot of the focus of the month is on your finances, with the Sun in your second house for most of August, and you are creating a new sense of abundance in your life. With Mercury going retrograde for a few weeks at the start of the month, you are taking this time to heal any miscommunications you have been having and to take more time to understand yourself and your mind.
As a Cancer, the Full Moon of the month is always an important time for you since you are ruled by the Moon. This month, we have a Super Blue Moon in Aquarius on August 19, and you are feeling especially emotional, passionate, and empowered during this time.
This Supermoon is a chance for you to take the lead on the transformations you are moving through in your life, and to let go of some of the fears that have been keeping you away from living your truth and feeling as abundant as you should. Before August ends, Venus moves into your 4th house, the house that Cancer rules, and you will truly feel at home, supported, and in tune this month.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
You are in a good space this month, Leo. You are feeling in harmony emotionally, and have a good balance between the give and take in your life. Not only is August the heart of Leo Season, but it’s also a time when new beginnings occur. On August 4, there is a New Moon in Leo, and this is really when you are going to be experiencing a fresh start in your life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for your progress, confidence, and the way you see yourself or want to show up in the world. On the same day, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and this new beginning may come through by letting something go in the process.
Mercury will be retrograde from August 5 until August 28 and will be retrograde in your sign from August 14 until August 28. Take your time with what you are pushing forth right now, and be a little more cautious with what you are communicating and how you are expressing it. Before the month ends, there is a Supermoon in your opposite sign, Aquarius, and this is providing the healing and compassion in love that you have been looking for. This Supermoon is about letting go of your past relationships to honor the new ones that are blooming for you now.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
August is a month of financial success for you, Virgo. You are receiving the energy you have put out there, and that means an increase of abundance, support, and balance in your life. Your intentions are manifesting for you, and this is a good month for feeling supported by the work you have done. Venus enters Virgo at the start of August and will be in your sign from August 4 until August 29, making love and financial matters more favorable for you during this time.
Extra support and love are here for you this month, and this is needed with Mercury going retrograde. Mercury retrograde begins in your sign and ends in Leo this month.
It will be retrograde in Virgo from August 5 until August 14, and your guidance for this time is to take things a little slower, trust your process, and not get ahead of yourself or the things you are bringing forth right now. Virgo Season officially begins on August 22 this year, and it’s your time to shine! Virgo Season this year is bringing a lot of transformation, and August is the perfect month to thrive and flourish before a change of energy comes into play.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
New beginnings are here for you emotionally this month, Libra. This month is bringing you a fresh start, but it’s coming through by putting in the work and taking time to listen to your heart more. August begins with Venus moving into Virgo from August 4 through August 29 until it enters your sign. While Venus is in Virgo, she is in your 12th house of closure, and you are letting go of the past in love in order to renew and enjoy the gifts of the present. Don’t bring what happened back then into what can happen for you in the future in love, and give yourself a clean slate this month.
Mercury goes retrograde in August and will be retrograde in your 11th house from August 14 until August 28. Give your friendships and your hopes and dreams some time to bloom without getting too caught up in perfection or the ego right now. Remember, everything happens for a reason this month, and that the universe is working with you and not against you. Venus officially enters your sign on August 29 where she will be until September 22, and you enter a month of love. The new beginnings you are seeing in your love life at the end of the month are here to stay, and you are getting the opportunity to experience a deeper connection to romance.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
August is about living a fulfilled life, Scorpio. Things are coming full circle for you, and you are growing immensely. The month begins with a New Moon in your 10th house of career and reputation, and this is a good time to set intentions for your dreams. Remember how supported and loved you are, and recognize where your skills and talents are and how you can capitalize and support yourself more here. This is a successful month for you, and you will feel these opportunities coming through during this New Moon.
Mercury goes retrograde for a few weeks this month and will be retrograde in your 10th house of career, and then your 11th house of friendship. Don’t lose sight of what you have been working towards and remember how hard you have worked to get here.
The people who are meant for you will support you along the way, and the people who are not will be made clear to you during this time. Venus enters your 12th house of endings, closure, dreams, and spirituality before the month ends, and you are ending August ready to heal, create, and understand your inner world better.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
This month is all about going at your own pace, Sagittarius. You are learning the importance of being a little kinder to yourself and showing yourself grace no matter who else is. August begins with Mercury going retrograde in your 10th house of career from August 5 until August 14, and you have a lot to think about right now. You may not be receiving the feedback you are looking for during this time, and it’s teaching you something about unwavering confidence. This isn’t the best time to start a new job or career or to push something out there, but it is a good time to think about your purpose in this area of your life, what you want to be known for, and how you want to shine in the world.
The Supermoon in Aquarius on August 19, is going to be a good time for you in regards to communication matters, and this is when you are feeling more clear-headed in the month. This Full Moon is about letting go of mental conflicts and confusion and being around people who make you feel safe, seen, and understood. Venus moves into your 11th house of friendship, community, and hopes and dreams on August 29, and you are leaving the month feeling more supported than you have been, which is reminding you how valuable and worthy you have been all along.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
Life comes full circle for you in August, Capricorn. Financial success is flowing through your world, and there are a lot of opportunities and support in your life right now. The month begins with the Sun in your 8th house of intimacy, shared finances, spirituality, and transformation, and you are receiving some extra financial support and clarity this month. On August 5, Mercury goes retrograde in your 9th house until August 14, and this isn’t the best time to travel or overdo it. Take your time right now, and think things through before taking action.
The New Moon and Full Moon of the month are both highlighting your finances and are creating progress for you here. On August 4, the New Moon in your 8th house is a good time to set your intentions for what you want to do on a daily basis, and how you want to receive financial support and feedback by doing so.
On August 19, there is a Super Blue Moon in your 2nd house of income, and this is really when you are going to be experiencing some fortunate opportunities financially. This is a good month for financial matters, and it’s all about letting go of the idea that you are not worthy of the things you have been working toward.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
Happy outcomes are coming into your life in August, Aquarius. You have been working hard on creating and living the life you dream of, and you are seeing this energy flourish in your life this month. The happiness you are feeling is contagious, and you are attracting a lot of support and success in your life in August with the Sun and a lot of the energy in your sister sign, Leo, your heart, and your emotional world are where a lot of the action is now. This all begins with a New Moon in your 7th house on August 4, and this is a good time to set your intentions for romance, relationship matters, balance, and also your finances.
Mercury goes retrograde in this same area of your chart from August 14 until August 28, and your guidance for this time is not to lose sight of all the progress you have made in love when a few challenges arise. Take any miscommunications that may happen now as a learning ground for your relationships, and choose the high road when you can. At the end of August, there is a Super Blue Moon in your sign, and this is one of the more powerful Full Moons of 2024. With this energy being in your sign, you are the one in the spotlight right now, and it’s time to soak in the confidence, empowerment, and success you are feeling now.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This month is all about having patience with yourself and with love, Pisces. The month begins with the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routine, and with a New Moon occurring here on August 4 as well. With all of this energy in your 6th house, you are taking a look at your lifestyle, what works for you, and what makes you feel purposeful. On August 4, Venus also moves into your opposite sign, Virgo, and love is coming full circle for you now, and you are thriving in this energy.
Love this month is experiencing a renewal, and a lot of this is coming from the different choices you are making when it comes to your health and overall well-being in life.
Mercury will be retrograde in your 6th house from August 14 until Mercury goes direct on August 28, and what this means for you is a chance to rethink and restrategize. A lot of this month is guiding you towards what is best for you and your daily life, however, it’s up to you to choose for yourself. Be careful with overcommitting right now, but make sure you are doing the work to put yourself and your heart in a good place. Overall, there is a lot to think about this month, but if you can trust yourself and your process, you will see an evolution in your life.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
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Her captivating command of the pole left many of us intrigued, perhaps even tempted, to explore pole dancing ourselves after witnessing the mesmerizing performances at Mercedes Sunday. But it wasn’t just her physical prowess that kept us hooked. Mercedes is a character of depth—empowering, complex, relatable, and deeply human.
These are qualities that Brandee embodies both on and off the screen.
(L-R) Marque Richardson and Brandee Evans on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
A Memphis native, Brandee is no stranger to dance. She boasts an impressive career as a choreographer, having worked with renowned artists like Katy Perry, Monica, Ke$ha, and Ledisi. But while it has been a significant part of her journey, Brandee has her sights set on more—expanding her acting career beyond dance-inclusive roles. This ambition nearly led her to pass on the opportunity to appear alongside Kerry Washington in Hulu’s UnPrisoned, where she plays Ava, Mal's (Marque Richardson) new girlfriend.
“When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no,” Brandee revealed with a laugh. “She mentioned pole dancing, and I told myself and my team that once I was done with Mercedes, I wasn’t going to do that again.” Fortunately, Washington assured her that the role would be vastly different, leading to what Brandee described as an invaluable masterclass in comedy under the guidance of Washington herself.
“Kerry is a force of nature,” Brandee reflected. “She’s everything you’d hope she’d be—strong, compassionate, and incredibly talented. Working with her was like a masterclass in acting.” This opportunity was no mere stroke of luck; it was something Brandee had manifested years earlier. But make no mistake–she credits her faith and praying hands for her success. “I’m praying, you know what I mean? I’m asking God for what I want and working for it too,” she said.
"When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no."
(L-R) Brandee Evans, Kerry Washington, and Marque Richardson on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
This role marked Brandee’s first foray into comedy, and while she was eager to embrace the challenge, she found herself in the hands of an incredible mentor. “Kerry was always so kind in her critiques,” Brandee noted. “She’s not a diva by any means. She knows exactly what she wants, but she’s gentle and encouraging in bringing it out of you. That’s something I’ve taken with me to other sets—I want to lead with the same kindness and openness that Kerry showed me. It’s a lesson I’ll carry for the rest of my life.”
Brandee speaks with profound respect and gratitude for her peers and fellow actresses as many have shown her genuine sisterhood and support in an industry often notorious for its competitiveness. “Danielle Brooks sent me a prayer the other day, and I was just so touched. Those are the moments that people don’t see,” she shared. “I call Sheryll Lee Ralph my fairy godmother, and Loretta Devine is like my auntie. Being able to pick up the phone and seek advice from these incredible women is a true blessing.”
And she pays it forward.
Brandee Evans
Courtesy: Hulu
But her commitment to supporting others extends far beyond her career. As an advocate for health and wellness, she empowers women to prioritize their well-being. “Azaria [Carter], who plays my daughter on P-Valley, mentioned wanting to start a weight loss journey and get more fit. I told her, ‘Well, let’s work out together,’” Brandee recounted. But her dedication to healthy living goes beyond physical fitness, encompassing a holistic approach to wellness. “When she came to my house and tried to microwave something in plastic, I said, ‘Let’s use glass instead. At 20, I wasn’t thinking about that, but let me share some tips now so you’re not battling fibroids in your 30s.’”
Because she was.
While filming the first season of P-Valley, Brandee faced enormous stress—not only as a caregiver for her mother, who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, but also due to the physical demands of the role. Yet the impact on her body was far greater than she expected. “I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal,” Brandee revealed. It was Harriet D. Foy, who plays her mother, who urged her to get checked for fibroids.
"I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal."
Brandee Evans graces the 2024 ESSENCE Black Women In Hollywood Awards Ceremony.
Arnold Turner/Getty Images for ESSENCE
The statistics are staggering—80% of Black women develop abnormal uterine growths by age 50, making them more likely to suffer from fibroids than any other racial group. But like many, Brandee was initially unaware of these growths and their debilitating effects, and the prospect of surgery was daunting. “I was scheduled to have a myomectomy on my birthday, but I thought about what it would mean for my career. How am I going to climb the pole? The healing process is similar to a C-section.” Determined to avoid surgery, she committed to healing herself naturally.
After a deep dive, she sought treatment at The Herb Shop of Vinings in Atlanta, which ultimately led to a remarkable recovery. “This man saves lives. His name is Jeff, and I call him my doctor.” Brandee shared. “I started detoxing my body with herbs and following his program. During my follow-up with the gynecologist, they said, ‘We don’t know what you’re doing, but your fibroids are shrinking.’”
Emerging on the other side of this journey not only fibroid-free but with a regulated cycle and a renewed outlook on life, Brandee is now focused on sharing her story and advocating for women’s health. “I know y’all want to hear about P-Valley, but I want to talk about regulating your period,” she said with a laugh.
Of course, she didn’t leave fans hanging when it came to what to expect in the upcoming season. “It is worth the wait. The world is about to go crazy. Oh, the world is about to lose it,” Brandee teased. “Y’all might be mad at us right now, but baby, it’s going to be worth it.”
All episodes of Season 2 of UnPrisoned are now streaming on Hulu.
Featured image courtesy of Hulu
You will see everything from Bored Panda’s “33 Older Adults Share Their Feelings On ‘The One Who Got Away’ Now That Time Has Passed” and BuzzFeed’s “’I Still Think Of Her Daily’: Older Adults Are Sharing If They Still Have Feelings For ‘The One Who Got Away’” to data which says that close to half of Americans have not only thought about an old crush or past love, they’ve also used the internet to look them up (uh-huh, y’all be careful out here: “Baby Bliss Is Ruined After MIL Gleefully Reveals Her Son Went On A Date With An Ex Before Wedding”).
Hmph. It makes me think of when one of my now good friends found out, a couple of years after my first book came out, that he actually did some mild producing for one of the characters in it — my own first love. As I shared some of the story, Shannon started singing a throwback R&B hit that he co-wrote, co-produced, and also recorded before Heather Headley did. The title? “In My Mind” (Heather’s version ishere; Shannon’s version ishere). As life would have it, it was in heavy rotation during the time of that very conversation.
Damn. My book came out in 2004. 2006 is when Heather’s cover of “In My Mind” was released. And you know what? In freakin’ 2023 (November, to be exact), I ran into my first love…again. The brief backstory is we both had separately debated going to a certain restaurant for a quick bite and then saw each other — and being that he has never married and neither have I (because only a guy who hasn’t been married before is personally an option for me), there we went…again…running in the flowers of nostalgia while trying to see if we can figure something out. *le sigh* Then add tax.
Oh, the one who got away. If that’s really how you truly feel about someone, when they do come back around into your space, it can be quite a doozy. And if/when it happens, you may be worrying yourself sick trying to figure out what to do about it. Listen, all I can do is tell you what I’ve learned from my own personal experience and observation of other people’s journeys. Here’s hoping that, by asking yourself the following questions, you, your mind and heart (and body, if it comes to that) will find the answers that you seek.
*P.S. Where’s your journal at? You’re gonna need it.*
Did He “Come Back” — or Did You Go Looking for Him?
GiphySomething that I used to say often is, “If you look ‘him’ up on Facebook, it’s you; however, if you run into him in Kroger, it’s God.” What I mean by that is, whoever you consider to be the one who got away, I’m not sure how “meant to be” it is if you’re only reconnected to him now because you went and sought him out. And no, I’m not coming from the angle that “men are hunters” (I hate that saying) and women should never pursue men (Ruth and Esther in Scripture did; it turned out fine for them — check out “6 Things Church Taught You About Dating That Weren't (Fully) Biblical”).
What I’m saying is when folks shift out of your life and seem to be fine with not reconnecting, there’s got to be a reason for that because they have the same internet that you do. Shoot, even if it’s not something as serious as they’re married if they do think of you fondly on some level, if they really wanted to reconnect, why haven’t they tried?
And here’s the thing — I know someone who once was almost desperate to become someone’s wife. So much, in fact, that she decided to seek out a college ex (sex buddy). He replied to her, eventually they did reconnect —, and although they are “together,” it’s been well over a decade and no ring. Clearly, he wasn’t looking for her or a wife and, as a result of her reaching out, somehow, she convinced herself to settle; now she’s out here believing that she doesn’t want to be married either.
Could it have played out the same way if he had reached out first? Eh, possibly. However, what I have noticed (and no, this isn’t gender-specific) is that oftentimes, the individual who makes the first step is more inclined to compromise than the one who is on the receiving end. That said, this guy wasn’t acting like the human version of Kermit sipping tea while looking out of the window as he wondered how to find her…she did that. And so, since she wanted him, she was more willing to do what he wanted in order to remain in contact with each other. SMDH.
Moral to the story on this one: When two people want the same thing, it’s all good. Oh, but when you convince yourself that settling is better than nothing at all, as writer Maureen Dowd once said, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” INDEED.
All I’m saying when it comes to this particular question is if he got away and he also isn’t taking the initiative to come back, consider why — shoot, why not even ask him? ‘Cause listen, if you took the time to reach out, you might as well get as much intel as possible on the front end. Clearly, he was fine not finding you. Why is that the case?
Did He “Come Back” — or Did the Universe Orchestrate a “Chance” Meeting?
GiphySome of the close-to-day-ones might recall reading another article that I penned for the platform entitled, “Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour.” In it, I actually mention my first love and how, back in 2015, we had a run-in. I also said that, after that season, I was over him. Okay, but now it’s 2024, and I just told you that he almost got me AGAIN. I think for me, it’s two-fold. One, he’s never been married, and two, I never go looking for him. It’s always grocery stores or restaurants — random-ish, and honestly, I think because I am such a “signs and wonders” kind of person that is what brings me to a state of “cause for pause.”
Anyway, I think we all can agree that, on a lot of levels, on so many levels, I am an open book. The particulars on this, though, I’m going to keep to myself because I’m still processing some of it (and some stuff is still just my business). I will say this, though: If you are someone who recently had a run-in with your own the-one-who-got-away and you had absolutely nothing to do with initiating it, there are some quotes that I want to encourage you to keep in mind:
“Even if we have ourselves so fully convinced that we are on the right track because we desperately want to believe that the specific direction we have chosen is the ‘correct one,’ if the universe disagrees with our choices, it will not be shy in telling us so.” (Miya Yamanouchi)
“A coincidence will always be a coincidence until its significance is realized.” (Angie Corbett-Kuiper)
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.” (Joseph Campbell)
Does the run-in automatically mean that the two of you are destined to be together? I’m not saying that. What I will say is when you factor in all that happens in the world and how going left instead of right or being 30 minutes earlier or later could’ve prevented you from seeing “him”— yes, the universe is trying to show you something.
Even beyond the guy, spend some time pondering what that could be…, which brings me to the third question.
Is He to Be Your Lover Again — or Is He Just to Show You Something?
GiphyListen, just because I am a marriage life coach and I write on relationships for a living, that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own accountability crew (we ALL need that). The thing that I adore about mine is most of them are just as “straight no chaser” as I am. And so, whenever my first love comes back up, they are always on some, “Can one of you get married already, either to each other or someone else, so we can wrap this thing up?” — and chile, when this last encounter happened, due to some other details of the story, my male and female friends alike were like, “You can’t make this sh-t up!” (you really can’t).
That’s why, I have learned the hard way, to not make some heavy declarations (anymore) until everything really is all said and done.
At the same time, what I will share is because my first love has a tendency to run into me, pour it on thick, and then simmer, this time, I did some real soul-searching to figure out how much of the emotional acrobatics (on my part) was about 19-year-old Shellie still needing to get some things off of her chest more the woman who I am now still being “in love” with him. And boy, was that needed.
Back in 2015, I was pretty much just on, “So, are we getting married or what?!” This time, it was more like, “Why do you keep affecting me this way?” I mean, I get some of why: when your first love is pretty much your first everything, and you are also his first love, the bond is…significant. At the same time, though, because my question was different in 2023, the answers were too.
And the reality is there were still some things that “19 me” needed to work out so that she could catch up to who I am now. And on this side of realizing that, I get just how necessary that was because, first love, some other guy or no (future) husband at all — for myself, I needed to address and respond to some things…within myself.
So yeah, that’s another thing to ask about your own situation: before automatically romanticizing everything and assuming that the two of you are destined to be, ask if he’s to be your now-lover or now-teacher. You’d be amazed how that one question alone can shed a lot of light on what is actually transpiring in this season of your life.
Are the Two of You Supposed to Be Together — or Is There Just Some Closure/Clarity That’s Needed?
Giphy(Side note on this GIF. Erica Ash played the hell out of her role on Survivor's Remorse. RIP, sis.)
There’s another guy from my “get your heart piece back” tour that I reconnected with that I am SO GLAD that I did. One reason is that I carried a lot of, let’s go with the word “burden” of feeling that I made some poor choices (especially when it came to bad timing) that really did cause him to be someone who I filed as “letting him get away.” Another reason is that the way that things ended between us was so abrupt that I always had some questions (he basically called me up one day, said I was like “crack” to him, that he didn’t want to be addicted, and so we couldn’t talk anymore).
And still, another reason is I felt like although things ended, we never really got closure — and yes, something that I am a huge fan of is closure…because without it, sometimes doors are left ajar or cracked and that’s how things can creep right back on in.
The first conversation we had? It was for hours, well into the night. We missed each other. We reminisced about some things. And we caught up. However, the catch-up already let me know that our past needed to stay there because he was divorced, and again, divorced guys aren’t an option to/for me. Some other conversations that followed also brought some closure because, as much as we’ve always enjoyed each other’s company and, quite frankly, as great as the sex used to be (LAWD!), we were two very different people now.
Our values are different. Our experiences have caused us to take different forks on the road. In this season, we desire very different things. You know what, though? I never would’ve known all of that had we not spoken. Yes, some closure was needed, so that I could look back with a clearer and fuller picture.
So yes, that’s why I think another question that should be asked is, if 'the one who got away' being back in your life at this time is so you two can be together, or it’s so that you two can get some real clarity and closure so that the title of 'the one who got away' can be put to rest? Because when it comes to the guy that I just spoke of?
For me, now he’s just a fine-ass man who I had a great connection with once upon a time and who is thriving on his side of the world as I do the same. He didn’t “get away” anymore. He’s gone because…that’s how it should be.
What About Him Being in Your Life, As You Are Now, Would Enhance It?
GiphyI am very word-specific and word-literal. That’s why I want you to notice how, with this question, I didn’t say “change” or “improve” — I said ENHANCE. To enhance is “to raise to a higher degree.” Some synonyms for enhance include build-up, strengthen, increase, add to, and complement (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”).
You know, several years ago, I was on an interesting journey with a guy, and I’ll never forget what two of our friends (who were married at the time) said when they found out: “Shellie, I see how you’d be good for him. We’re not sure how he’d be good for you, though.” HMPH. Y’all better listen to folks who care about you when they speak into your life — there’s no telling what they can spare you from if you just choose to listen.
And that’s the thing — the one who got away, even if he was awesome for you back in the day, even if it’s totally your fault that he got away the first time…who are you now? Would bringing him back into your world, on any level, enhance it? Would it really? And, if you do truly still care about him, would you being back in his life enhance his as well?
Because there really is such a big difference between being good to someone vs. being good for them (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”) and mature folks? They don’t want the former if it doesn’t come with the latter — mutually so.
BONUS: Please Don’t Mistake Nostalgia for Love
GiphyI rememberonce reading that our brain actually craves nostalgia.Some research says that taking walks down memory lane can give us a greater sense of self, put us in better moods, and it can even play a pivotal role in our personal growth and development. And y’all, that may be why we sometimes get so caught up when it comes to (certain) men from our past. Nostalgia can be so seductive and even exhilarating that we might think it’s love when…it might just be an emotional high for the moment.
Real conversations. Slowing down. Praying, meditating, and journaling. Not being quick to jump into bed. Letting some people you trust hold you accountable. Being honest about what you need at this time in your life. Not living in the past if it’s at the expense of compromising your present or sacrificing your future. Encouraging “him” to do all of these same things for himself as well — this is what helps you to come to the realization of whether what you’re feeling is nostalgia, love, or both.
And if it is love, is it the kind of love that needs to have a commitment attached or a full and final release?
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Yeah, whether it was bad timing, he was the wrong person, or a little bit of both, the thing about the one who got away is they did so for a reason. If they’re back, see what the PURPOSE is in that….so that if they stay, they stay for good. And if they go, they’re gone for good (preaching to the choir here, by the way).
Feel me? I certainly hope you do.
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Featured image by Adam Hester/Getty Images