

Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him
Back when I was writing for the local paper here in Nashville, I once interviewed a sex therapist. We covered a lot of ground, but one of the things that he said that has remained in my mind to this day is, "A lot of boys learn about sex from porn. A lot of girls learn from chick flicks and Cosmo. Put those two people in a dark room together and you're going to have a big ole' mess on your hands."
After serving as a teen mom director for the local branch of a national non-profit for several years, and also after being a marriage life coach for even longer than that, I must say that when it comes to sexual preparation—especially as it pertains to a long-term commitment—that sex therapist was spot-on. Sex is a significant, relevant and very necessary part of a relationship. Yet, unfortunately, it's something that couples—including engaged and newlywed couples—do not spend nearly enough time hashing out. It's almost like they think, "We love each other, so the sex thing will work itself out." Will it? Will the bills, the in-law issues and who's going to clean what in the home going to miraculously work itself out without some intentional dialogue? No? Well, why should sex be any different?
If you're currently contemplating marriage and you're going to take "'til death parts us" serious (and please do), sex with your future spouse is going to be a part of your life, hopefully for the rest of it. I don't know about you, but that seems like a good enough of a reason to set aside a few conversations to getting some clarity about your man's views, experiences and expectations—as it specifically pertains to sex.
1. “What did your parents teach you about sex?”
Two myths, that I'm always more than happy to debunk, every chance that I get, is 1) Black women don't get married (the real truth is a lot of us have a bucket list that we'd prefer to complete before saying "I do") and 2) most Black kids grow up without dads. You can read articles like "No, Most Black Kids Are Not Fatherless" or check out the totally adorable YouTube channel Beleaf in Fatherhood to know that is a total fallacy. But when it comes to the missing daddy issue, I'd be very irresponsible if I didn't act like it doesn't exist (reportedly one-third of all U.S. children are living with an unmarried parent) and that the repercussions can be truly heartbreaking.
Take the topic of sex, for example. One of my exes? He knew his father, looks just like the man and yet his dad never claimed him. His mother? I can count at least five times when we tried to get into his house, but the door was locked. Through the window, we could hear her having sex—almost each time with a different man. Fast forward to now, and while my ex is a great never-been-married-before father of four, when I asked him what he's taught his kids about sex, he was like, "I started having sex as a kid. Who am I to be judgmental about their decisions?" For me, it came off as flippant, but what I realize is he didn't know what to do because no one taught him.
Although our parents are not solely responsible for who we become, they are a part of our foundation. Knowing what your man was told, taught and modeled can provide you with a glimpse of his views on sex and, quite possibly, the perspective and values that he'll extend to your own children someday.
2. “What was your first experience like?”
Question. How many men in your life, when they speak of their first time, it sounds healthy? And by "healthy", I mean, they weren't a child who had sex with a grown woman (if they were 14 and she was 18 or older, she was a grown woman and it was statutory rape); they weren't pressured by an older brother or some kids at their school; they weren't molested and they weren't babies at the time (14 is a pretty young to me, but I know some guys who claim to have been 9 or 10 when they gave their virginity away).
I was just telling someone earlier this week that I believe there is such a thing as "sex PTSD" and it's not always from sexual abuse or trauma. Sometimes, it's simply engaging in a sexual experience before we're ready or one that we don't really understand the magnitude of. Then, until or unless we get some clarity, we can end up carrying all of that confusion into our other sexual encounters.
One my partner's first time was with a woman that his brother locked him up in a bedroom with; that same guy ended up date raping me. Another one of my partner's first sexual encounter was with one of his female first cousins. Another one of my partners, he was a preteen who participated in a train with a group of his friends. Two had sex with a babysitter.
Contrary to popular opinion, men are not made out of emotional Teflon. And with articles out here like, "Age Of First Sexual Experience Determines Relationship Outcomes Later In Life", "Does Sexual History Affect Marital Happiness?" and "How Does Sex Affect Your Emotions? 12 Things to Know About Attraction and Arousal"—knowing about your man's first encounter can definitely shed light on some things; whether he believes it has directly affected him or not.
3. “What is your biggest past sexual regret?”
I say it often because it's something that I wholeheartedly believe. I don't trust anyone who says that there is nothing in their life that they don't regret. It's one thing to say you feel like all that you did played a purpose in where you are now; it's something else to say that when you look back over all of the things that you've said or done, you have absolutely no remorse (which is what regret is).
Unless you're about to marry a virgin, I think it's close to impossible for someone to not have any regrets when it comes to their past sexual choices. I regret having sex for the first time in my boyfriend's mother's bed with his little sister asleep in the same room. I regret having sex with people's boyfriends. I regret agreeing to pick up a guy at the side of a dumpster one night, so no one would have to know we were gonna have sex. I regret my abortions.
And here's the thing—had I not made the time to really process and heal from my regrets, I know I would've ended up carrying a bit of bitterness, resentment and baggage into my future marriage bed. It's not just me who feels like this either. Some husbands have told me that now that they are married, they wish they had handled their season of singleness differently too. So yeah, it's a good idea to ask your partner if he has any regrets. If he does, follow that question up with if he's done anything to feel better about the situation—or situations. If he hasn't, encourage him to do so.
4. “Is there any sexual trauma that we should discuss?”
Reportedly, 1 in 6 boys have been molested by the time they turn 18.
I believe it's a lot more than that because at least half of the men in my own world have shared with me that it is a part of their history. As a result, it has made it hard for them to trust, they admit to having some really complicated views about sex and, some of them have made some really toxic sexual decisions, as a way to "process" their sexuality (for instance, some told me that they had sex with lots of women because a man molested them and they were trying to "prove to themselves" that they are heterosexual).
Someone I care deeply for once told me that although he gets plenty—and I do mean, plenty—of female attention, he's not sure if he'll "ever be healthy sexually" due to his childhood sexual abuse. That's a really vulnerable and insightful thing for him to say. But just think about how many men have been molested or raped and don't share their feelings about it. Not enough women ask their partners if there is sexual trauma in their past. But for the sake of a stable and thriving intimacy life, it's one that is beyond valid.
5. “Are all of your sexual relationships and situationships FULLY resolved?”
There's a guy I know who once told me that, for a decade, he had an affair with a married woman. Now that he's married, he still finds himself hittin' that woman up on social media from time to time. In his mind, it's just to see how she's doing. In my mind, he's playing with fire (and yes, I've told him so).
The reason why I say that is because a lot of my exes are married at this point. One of them, because we were homies before sex ever entered into the picture, I used to think it was OK for him to hit me up too. But conversations always eventually turned into a slick sexual statement or strolling down sexual memory's lane which is all kinds of inappropriate. So, even though we used to be friends, because we also used to be more than that and we never really closed that chapter, I had to totally and completely let him go. Otherwise, it was gonna be a slippery slope if we remained in communication.
A lot of married couples deal with jealousy and even slight paranoia in their relationship, not because their spouse has a past, but because they can tell that the past has never been fully resolved. It might hurt to know that your partner still has some "residue" laying around somewhere, but it's better to ask and encourage him to close those doors now than to find out the hard way later that he didn't via an emotional affair—or worse.
6. “What are your sexual expectations?”
When people hear that I have no problem spending 5-6 weeks on intimacy in premarital counseling sessions, they think that I'm being excessive. Whatever. If they knew how much sexual dysfunction I hear about while dealing with couples after they say "I do", they'd get why it's such a priority to me. Being that a lack of intimacy continues to be a leading cause of divorce, and also because I know that a lot of dating couples feel like intimacy is not something that they need to put a lot of forethought into (I mean, we love each other, so what is there to worry about? We got this), that's why I think that intimacy should be explored, almost ad nauseam.
It never fails. Whenever a married couple comes to me about their issues and challenges, it's very rare that sex doesn't come up in the conversation. Someone isn't getting as much as they want, someone isn't getting the kind that they desire, or someone thought that the entire sexual part of their relationship was going to be different.
We all know what assuming can do to a person and having expectations without discussing them first is a form of making assumptions. Whether you've had sex prior to marriage or the plan is to wait until after getting married, you are going to do your future sex life a world of good by asking each other what your expectations are, beforehand.
7. “Do you have any sex-related deal-breakers or hang ups?”
I've shared in one of these articles before that a husband once told me that, in premarital counseling, he expressed how important fellatio was to him. His fiancée was so intent on getting married that she said, in counseling, that she loved to give head; that him getting it on the regular would be no problem. Fast forward to almost a decade into their marriage and, according to him, he only got it twice. He ended up cheating.
Another husband? When he was dating his wife, he told her that sex every day was preferred but if not that, sex every other day was desired. She not only agreed but professed that her drive was also really high. They ended up having sex about once a week. They were married for almost 12 years. They're divorced now.
You can say whatever you want to say about these men and what they wanted going into their marriage, but it's what they wanted. If it's something that sounds ridiculous to you, you're actually proving my point about why it's a good idea to ask your own man this question on the front end.
I know some people who didn't know their partner hates oral or doesn't like to try new things or only wants to have sex in the dark before they married them. They are pretty close to being miserable now. So yeah, figuring out what the potential deal-breakers or hang ups are before marriage is definitely something that should also be discussed. It can only benefit you if you do.
8. “How much of a priority is your health?”
This question might seem like a bit of a wild card, but here's why it's relevant. There's a wife I know who, while she was dating her now-husband, he gave her the impression that she was gonna be swinging from the chandeliers from their wedding night on. He talked such a big game that she was a little intimidated, going into their honeymoon. But from their wedding night on, he has had trouble maintaining an erection because he's overweight and has to take blood pressure medication. It's been well over a decade now. Guess who's the one who isn't sexually satisfied?
Married sex is wonderful. It really is. It's also a responsibility in marriage. And in order to act responsibly when it comes to marital intimacy, one's health must be taken into account. So yeah, inquire about that too.
9. “Do you think there is a difference between single and married sex?”
Single sex can be all kinds of false advertising, boy. After all, when you're single, you are your top priority and so, it's pretty common to mostly and mainly consider yourself, even when it comes to sex.
If you take out the time to read "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", hopefully you'll see that married sex is very different from sex you may be having as a single individual. Shoot, the "forever exclusivity" of the dynamic is enough to set it apart.
Even while dating, different couples have different "rules". Maybe you don't mind your man going to a strip club with his friends. Maybe you're not as upset if you find out he watches porn. Maybe there are certain things that he wants you to do that you concede to because "It's not like it's all of the time."
Most of the men that I know, they are pretty literal. When it comes to this topic, what I mean by that is if you give your partner the impression that nothing has to change from his single life, it probably won't. So, if you've got other thoughts, this would be the time to bring them up. Stat.
10. “How important are my needs going to be?”
Something that I had to learn the hard way about sex—and by sex, I mean good sex—is sometimes, even your pleasure is all about a man's ego. What I mean by that is some men aren't great in bed because they are trying to connect with their partner and meet her needs. Sometimes they are, just so they can feel good about themselves; it's all about patting themselves on the back (by the way, I believe that there is even such a thing as "sexual narcissism"; you can read more about it here). The problem with this kind of individual is they tend to not emotionally invest well. Plus, the sex will only be good if they want it to be that way. Who wants to spend forever with an individual like that?!
So yeah, it would be ludicrous of me to not close this out with a question that could've been the first one, to tell you the truth. Before marrying "him", discuss what your own sexual needs and desires are, get a read for how he feels about each and every one of them, and discuss if they are going to be a priority or not.
Marriage is supposed to be for life. Both partners should be willing to spend a lifetime pleasing one another in the best ways possible; this includes sexually. A good way to know if that is a part of your partner's plan is to well, ask him.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life
How PCOS Strengthened This Couple's 4-Year Marriage
If You're In A Committed Relationship, Avoid These Sex Mistakes At All Costs
6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse
Feature image by Giphy
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- Third Date Questions To Ask A Guy - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Get Clear About Where and How You’ve Changed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Three Influencers Show Off Their 2022 Holiday Hair Looks Using Their SheaMoisture Faves
This post is in partnership with SheaMoisture.
For Black women, there’s one compliment that will boost our confidence like none other: “Come through hair!” You know the vibe! Walking into a room with folks acknowledging that your hair is laid for the gawds, and the effort that it took to get it there, is a top five feeling. And with the holiday season just weeks away, you’ll be hearing that quite often. Between Thanksgiving gatherings with the family, Friendsgiving, company parties, and Christmas get-togethers, the opportunities to let your hair show up and show out aren’t too far away.
Apart from the holiday stuntin’, the end-of-year slow down is also the perfect opportunity to reevaluate the year your hair has had. Whether you kept it cute with protective braids, went big with blowouts, or let loose with textured twist-outs, this is the perfect time to give your hair the gift of TLC - tender lovin’ curls. Like the weather, our hair goes through seasons and has different needs depending on what we’ve put it through. Perhaps the transition into fall/winter has left your curls a bit parched and in need of some serious hydration. Or maybe your strands could use some restorative conditioning after taking it down from a convenient protective style. No matter what category you fall into, SheaMoisture has hundreds of ways that you can clean, treat and refresh your hair for a healthy shine that will bring you into the new year right. Bring your curls back to life with the nourishing and fragrant Coconut & Hibiscus line. Boosted with natural ingredients such as coconut oil, neem oil, carrot oil, and shea butter, this line is the antidote to reviving thirsty, dehydrated hair. Even better - with SheaMoisture’s custom quiz, you can get a hair analysis that will lead you to the right products for your hair needs. Say hello to sleek edges, and moisturized, stronger strands.
In need of a little hair-spiration? We got you covered! xoNecole and SheaMoisture have teamed up with three natural hair influencers to debut their holiday hair looks. Meet Ambrosia Malbrough, Jasmin Moses, and Daye Covington - beauty bawses who’ve created some incredible holiday looks that are stylish and easy to achieve. They also gave us the scoop on the SheaMoisture products they’re loving right now, as well as their 2023 hair goals.
Read on for more:
Daye Covington Kicks Her Twist Out Up A Notch With A Voluminous Updo
“I wanted to create a style that was super cute but also easy to pull together, so I went with a puff and tendril combo! It's a style that can be done on freshly washed curls or one that can be done on old hair. [It’s perfect for] when we're short for time but want to add a little razzle-dazzle to our hair before a special occasion. It's very versatile!”
“I would love to dye my hair back to blue! It was my favorite hair color, but unfortunately, my 9-5 now prohibits unnatural hair colors. I'm pushing it with this dark plum color, but I look forward to the day where I can transition into a new stage of life and go back to blue. In the meantime, I'm focusing on length retention. I've been doing well for 2022 and have had no major cuts so I'm hoping to stay consistent with my routine in 2023.”
Follow Daye on Instagram @dayelasoul
Ambrosia Malbrough Made Magic With Poppin’ And Defined Finger Coils
“[Finger coils] is a style that I don’t do often, it takes much more time than my usual wash and go. But that extra time put in makes it extra special and so worth it. The results are beautiful. It’s a style that offers many days of wear, too!”
“[Earlier this year] I did my 4th big chop. This time around hit different as a mom of two. I don’t always have the extra time on my hands to put into my hair, so the short ‘do has been convenient. I’ve realized that not all wash days are created equal even if I use the same products. However, my 4c coils are loving the products I'm using now”
“Since I’ve been having my hair dyed, I’m looking forward to trying Shea Moisture’s new Mongongo and Jojoba Oils High Porosity Moisture Replenish Hair Masque. I am currently growing my hair out and plan on having fun with more highlights and a new shape - possibly a shag cut in 2023!”
Follow Ambrosia on Instagram at @brosiaaa
Jasmin Moses Shows The Secrets To Her Jaw-Dropping Curly Ponytail
“I love doing a sleek ponytail with my baby hairs laid to a T! It helps so my hair isn't in the way when I am cooking and running errands, but it's still snatched to provoke anyone in the room to stop me to say 'girllll your hair is laid!'. I like to add a little razzle dazzle by adding my cute, naturally curly ponytail extensions. It elevates the look perfectly for the holidays.”
“It took me from my freshman year of college to now, almost seven whole years, to know what works for my hair. I love protective styles like wigs and braids because my hair thrives when I don't mess with it. When I leave my hair alone, it grows the best, so I love taking off my wig when I get home, oiling my scalp and putting my bonnet on for bed! When I do wear my natural hair out, what helps me maintain the health of my hair is to get in a rhythm with my hair. [I do] my wash days on Sunday, wear it in a wash n’ go all week, and repeat the next Sunday.”
“My 2023 hair goal is to get back to my 2021 hair length! Recently, a hairstyle damaged my hair causing me to lose 4 inches in length, which was not fun. So I’m working on getting [my hair] back to its original health and keep growing from there! I am also looking forward to trying the Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie as a one-product wash n’ go! I hear such great things about it and I think it will give me hold while also keeping my hair lightweight and voluminous. I’m also excited about the Coconut & Hibiscus Defining Styling Gel and Edge Gel.”
Follow Jasmin on Instagram @slimreshae
While recently talking to a couple of early 30-something never-been-married-before women about how much they want to settle down, and yet, at the same time, they’ve gotten to the point where they almost loathe the thought of dating, I got inspired to write this article.
Now before getting into some tips that I’m hoping will help a few folks out, let me first say that I think it doesn’t really matter if someone is 24 or 54, is a single mom or has no kids, is an extrovert, introvert or ambivert, wants to get married someday or is simply looking for companionship (check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?”) — dating definitely can be a bit of a challenge right through here.
In my opinion, some of it is because we’re still dealing with the aftershocks of the pandemic. Another reason is that things have become so damn transactional these days that I’m not sure if folks even get what the purpose of dating is anymore (mostly, it’s to get to know individuals better so that you can determine who is your right fit). Still, another reason is that when we do step out into the dating waters (that are sometimes raging), some of us are already a bit jaded due to our past experiences, our friends’ stories, and/or those (oftentimes) horrible tales that we hear on TikTok.
Let’s simplify it all a bit, shall we? Although online dating and long-distance relationships are continuing to thrive in their own way, the reality is that if you want to establish a solid connection with someone, chances are, you’re going to need to participate in some old-school dating on some level. So, in order to increase your chances of those encounters being truly successful for you, here are some things that I advise you to do along the way.
Be Clear About Why You’re Dating in the First Place — and Communicate It

A woman recently told me that what’s pissing her off (her exact words) about the dating scene is, while she’s personally looking for her future husband when it comes to the kinds of men that she keeps running into, although they’ve wanted more than just a casual sex partner, marriage wasn’t on the menu. Not even a lil’ bit.
Yeah, one day, we’ll get into why more and more men are shying away from marriage — quite possibly more than ever before. For now, I’ll just say that if a person feels like they are meeting the needs of their partner while they’re also being told that theirs aren’t important, only for their partner to initiate divorce (over 70 percent of women do) and then take half of their earnings…I mean, I get why many guys are hard passing on the notion.
Anyway, because the men she was going out with didn’t want what she did, she’s been finding it discouraging to continue her dating journey. As she was talking to me about all of this, I asked her how long she would wait to bring her ultimate goals up.
Her: “I mean, I don’t want to scare men off, so I don’t really mention it at all.”
Yeah, that’s not good. Even though I get where she’s coming from, if you want to date in order to find your potential mate, you should never assume that the people you’re seeing automatically know that because not everyone is dating for the same purpose and reasons.
So, when should it come up? Not the first date because that’s basically a meet-and-greet to see if there’s anything “there” at all. However, if the second date goes well, it’s okay to say that your motive for dating is to ultimately find your life partner; that you’re not moving in fear or impatience, but you don’t see the point in dating indefinitely either. If a guy is on the same page, he’ll be fine with that.
If he’s not, he won’t — but at least you’ll both know where each other stands which can spare you from finding out that he was cool being with you but never wanted you to become his wife…three years down the pike.
Value Your Time

When it comes to valuing time, some of my favorite quotes include "Trouble is, you think you have time" (Jack Kornfield); "Time and effort can get you anything you want in the world. But nothing in the world can get you more time" (Matt Fox); "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it" (M. Scott Peck); "The one that values his time can value the time of others as well" (Sunday Adelaja); and "Time is the wisest counsellor of all" (Pericles).
Keeping all of these in mind, another benefit of knowing why you do what you do is that it can help you to value your time better. For instance, I have no interest in dating someone who has young children. This means that it doesn't matter how fine or funny a man is, if I meet you and that is what you have going on, why would I waste your time or mine by continuing to date you?
I can't tell you how many single people have come to me all distraught because they ignored their own preferences, got emotionally caught up, and now they are trying to figure out if they should totally ignore the very things that they said they did — or didn't — want in the first place.
Bottom line, please value your time and feelings enough to know what are non-negotiables and then not go further with people who fall into those categories. It's not a selfish act. When it comes to valuing another person's time, too, it's actually a really thoughtful one.
Learn a Few Current Dating Trends

At the end of the day, trends are simply something that's popular at any given time. As far as dating goes, knowing some current dating trends can prove to be beneficial because it can 1) provide some insight on how to potentially approach dating at any given time and/or 2) help you to detect some things that might be going on with someone while you're on your say, first, second or third date with them.
That said, some trends that are, well, trending this year include open casting and infla-dating.
As far as open casting goes, the best way to describe it is it's all about stepping out of your "type" (check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'") and instead being willing to date individuals who may not look or even act the way that you're accustomed to. Now for the record, this doesn't mean that you should compromise your standards, deal-breakers, or boundaries in any way. It's more about not being so rigid in wanting a guy who is 6'2" and chocolate that you're not willing to even consider 5'10" and caramel. Because the reality is that a good man (if that's truly what you are after) may not look exactly like you prefer, yet if he's truly right for you, making that kind of compromise really won't matter much at the end of the day. Trust me.
Another dating trend is known as infla-dating. Can you guess what it's all about? Basically, it's the kind of dating that takes into account the fact that a lot of us just don't have the coins that we used to. For instance, I live in Music City, and an article came out recently that said you basically have to work somewhere around 60 hours a week in order to afford the ever-skyrocketing rink of this place. SMDH. I wish I could say that Nashville is the exception, but it's not. So now folks are finding more creative ways to date so that they don't have to tap into their rent money or their savings account in order to do it.
And for the record, that kind of approach isn't being "cheap." It's being wise. Shoot, I know a lot of couples who are on the brink of calling it quits as we speak because one or both of them aren't financially savvy. So yeah, dating people who can think outside of the box and still create some awesome dating memories while also being able to handle their financial responsibilities and obligations in the process? That reveals a thoughtful individual who is good at adulting too. If that ain't a solid potential long-term partner candidate, I don't know who is.
Keep the First Date Brief

Listen, I'm a woman, and even I don't get all of this $200 first-date nonsense. If I was a guy, I would see that as a peak hustle, too, because there is no reason why a man who barely knows someone should be shelling out that kind of cash right out the gate. Know what else? There's no reason why a woman who values herself should want to automatically give someone the privilege of 2-3 hours of her time initially, either.
Honestly, unless you already know the person you're going on a first date with (for instance, a friendship is transitioning into something more or you've been talking to someone online or on the phone for a while and you're planning on meeting up for the first time), a first date needs to be light and not expected to go over more than an hour or so. Why? Because all that you're initially doing is trying to see if there is some chemistry and even a mutual interest to take things further — and you don't need more than a meet-up at a coffee shop or a bar for a glass or two of wine to do that.
If your immediate response is, "that's frugal AF," — I mean, if all your motive was is to get an expensive meal or reenact something you saw on some dating show on television…maybe. Yet, if you genuinely want to maximize your precious moments (not to mention energy and effort), a brief and semi-casual first date is the way to go. Besides, if there does happen to be a mutual spark, it's not like the two of you can't book a second date…hell, the next day if you want to.
Ask. Don’t Interrogate.
@lexaftercancer Reply to @jwillis808 Here’s my list! #datingtips #listofthings #dating #datingadvice
Listen, this woman said that she has a fiancé, so clearly, this method worked for her. THAT SAID, although I am a big fan of people knowing what they desire in a partner, I will say that if you plan on also coming up with an Old Testament scroll of characteristics and qualities, just make sure to keep in mind that sometimes what you want may not be exactly what you need — which is why it's a good idea to be flexible on some things. Also, the goal is not to find the perfect person but someone who is a great complement to your life (check out "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life").
That’s why it’s also a good idea to not treat your dates like they are an interrogation. While it’s cool to touch on points that are of great importance to you, no one wants to feel like they are being bogged down with tons of inquiries.
So, how do you avoid wearing someone out on a date? Per date, think about 3-5 things that are a priority to you and ask about those. For instance, if you've had a pattern in the past of doing most of the work in your relationships, ask him about how he values reciprocity in a relationship. Or if spirituality is of the utmost importance, ask him what his spiritual practice is and how long it's been that way.
The reason why I provided these as examples is because…did you notice how they were worded in a way that still gets the results that you're looking for without someone feeling like they are being put on the spot?
I'm gonna be real, some folks end up self-sabotaging their dates, and it's because they come all anxious and hurried. You can't get to know everything that you need to know in two hours. Ask some questions, sure, yet also enjoy just learning someone's vibe too because it also reveals…quite a bit.
Expect Them to Have Expectations Too

On the heels of what I just said, it never ceases to amaze me how some people think that they can have a book of what they want in a person and then act shocked when someone comes with their own comprised list. It’s almost like the “book person” is on some “You need to be everything that I expect and more, but you shouldn’t expect anything more than me showing up because I am enough automatically.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can hear all of the ego that is just oozing out of that sentence, not to mention how unfair and even unrealistic that way of thinking is.
So, if you’re someone who thinks that you “are the table” (insert eye rolls here) and so there should be no questions asked of you — I already see why dating hasn’t been working in your favor.
Just like you want to see how a man can add to your life, men want to know the same thing. Going on the defensive only causes them to build up walls. In other words, prepare to be a lot of what you expect. If that’s a challenge for you…maybe shorten that list — or at least don’t articulate as much of it — up.
Emotionally Pace Yourself

What happens if, after the first date, the guy checks off all of your (initial) boxes, and you’re ready to call your mama and tell her that you think that he’s the one? Yeah, PLEASE DON’T. While it’s cool to be excited about someone, if you don’t emotionally pace yourself, the elation can have you coming off as rushing things or even being too pushy if you’re not careful.
How? Well, if you really do think that he’s a great match for you, you could start emotionally processing him that way which could cause you to have expectations that are premature: “You think I’m awesome, and I think you’re awesome, so why haven’t you texted me this morning?” or “You said that you want to do this again, so why has it been four days and you haven’t booked another date yet?” GOODNESS.
I once read a study that said that when it comes to cultivating a true friendship, it takes 40-60 hours to create a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to become an actual friend, and 200-plus hours to become good friends. And that’s friendship, so why would you expect a relationship to miraculously unfold after three dinner dates?
Almost any emotionally healthy person is going to gravitate to an atmosphere of calm and serenity. So, while it’s okay to express that you’re looking forward to where this could go, as Benjamin Franklin so poignantly once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” In other words, try not to allow your feelings to override the reality that everything has a time and purpose, and, as a wise person once said, “Time prevents everything from happening all at once.” In other other words, pulling on flower petals, trying to get them to hurry up and bloom, only ruins the flower.
Date. Mindfully.

Listen, if you don’t get anything else out of this article, please get how important it is to date from a place of mindfulness. And just what does that mean exactly? A simple explanation is when you are being mindful, you’re intentional about remaining in the moment. You’re not caught up in the past or consumed with the future.
When it comes to dating, in particular, mindfulness can be super beneficial because you’re not focused on comparing the current person with the people you’ve dated before, and you’re also not causing unnecessary anxiety and/or stress and/or drama by applying pressure on yourself or the person you’re getting to know by being obsessed with the possibilities of the future.
If you’d like to be more mindful in theory but you’re not exactly sure how to put it into practice, there are mindfulness principles that we all can stand to put into practice more often:
Reality. Reality is about what is rooted in truth and facts, not what you want or wish something to be. You can sho ‘nuff spare yourself some drama and trauma if you are someone who lives in reality while you’re dating instead of some rom-com or fairy tale that you’ve conjured up in your mind.
Accept. How would you feel if someone tried to change you? Exactly. Some people have a really bad habit of trying to “tweak folks” so that they can “make them fit” into their dating/relationship/marriage narrative. Avoid this, please. Accept people for who they are. If you can get wit it, awesome. If not, maybe they are just meant to be a friend — and that can be a blessing too.
Relax. To relax is to be less rigid, which speaks to being more flexible. When it comes to dating, this can help because if you’re willing to just let things reveal themselves as they come, that can help you to avoid overthinking or putting more stress on yourself than you should.
No one said that dating was easy. Still, if you’re a bit easier on yourself and the people you choose to go out with, each date can be an opportunity, a lesson, or a win. And all of these can be beneficial — if you choose to date smart instead of, well, hard.
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