Are You Actually Friend-Zoning Your Own Damn Self?

You Self-Sabotage Potential Dating Opportunities

Pop the Balloon, boy. As I’ve been watching the show evolve to things like being featured in Saturday Night Live (you know, as a skit) to the host Arlette getting sponsorship deals like her one with Fashion Nova to Netflix picking it up (for a live version), you’ve definitely got the give the YouTube series its props. And when it comes to this topic, the reason why the show came to mind is I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched it and seen people self-sabotage opportunities.

For instance, once I saw a man pop his own balloon because a woman said that she prefers tall men, and he was right under 6’. Another time, I saw a woman pop her balloon because the guy said that he wants a spiritual person and she assumed that he meant a Christian.

And you know what? People who friend-zone themselves oftentimes do the same thing “in the real world” because they will determine that they are not someone’s type based on (for example) who they’ve seen them date before or because they decided that someone wouldn’t see them as a potential match (without actually knowing that for sure). In their mind, the person they are interested in is “out of their league,” so they give off the energy that never conveys that they are interested in being seen as more than a friend.

How do I know this? Because I once did it with a guy from my past back when I was in college. When I first met him, I thought he was so attractive, and so I simply assumed that there wasn’t a chance for anything serious that I conveyed that to him after a few phone conversations, that while I was down for a sexual dynamic, I didn’t want to be more than friends.

Fast forward to years of coitus and friendship going down while I was low-key feeling resentful that it didn’t end up going past that. When I brought it up, know what he said to me? “Shellie, you never gave me the opportunity to see you as anything else. Don’t blame me for keeping up the end of the bargain that you set.” And because I like to take accountability for my ish, I have to admit that he’s spot-on right.

Moral to the story with this one is this: sometimes you think that predetermining how someone is going to see you is the way to keep from potentially getting hurt. Here’s the thing about that, though — unfortunately, more times than not, all you’re doing is getting in your own way. If you’re deciding how someone should feel about you, that is a form of self-sabotage — and a definite way to end up friend-zoning yourself.

You Tell Everyone and Their Grandma That You’re Only Seen As Guys’ Friend

There is someone I know who, well, I don’t think she’s ever had a boyfriend before — and she’s good, GOOD, and grown at this point. I do know that she’s liked quite a few people, and no one has really taken her seriously, though. There are a couple of reasons why (because some of the men have told me directly); however, the main one is because she has told pretty much anyone who will listen that she is seen as the homie for men for so long that her words have created her own reality.

In other words, she is the living meaning of the quote, “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny” (Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said that).

That said, although science is forever conducting research on whether or not emotional energy is indeed “contagious,” what we do know is something called emotional contagion is quite real; it’s what happens when you are around someone and you end up picking up on their body language and then mirroring/imitating it, sometimes without even noticing. Now think about that from the angle of what we’re discussing in this article.

If you’re around a guy and all you’re sending off is “just friend” vibes, there’s a good chance that even if a guy thinks you’re attractive, he may give you the same energy because he’s mirroring what you are doing. Or even if he was potentially interested in you, if all you talk about is how you’re every guy you know’s BFF — he may take that as meaning that you don’t want to be anything else…or more.

Remember that quote — your thoughts ultimately can become your destiny if you’re not careful. I mean, if you want to ultimately be every guy’s confidant about some other woman, hey have at it. If not…emotional contagion is real. What kind of body language and conversation are you giving off…that the men around you just might be…mirroring?

You Tend to Play Down Your Femininity (and Sensuality)

This year, the rom-com Just Wright (Queen Latifah, Common, Paula Patton) turns 15 (time, boy). Although it’s been a hot minute since I’ve watched it, I thought about how much Queen Latifah’s character, Leslie, helps to make this particular point. And while we’re here, although it might seem like Paula Patton’s character, Morgan, was the “villain,” actually Leslie’s mom (played by Pam Grier) is who irked me most of all.

I say that because, while Leslie was definitely a tomboy, it’s almost like her mom never really encouraged her to explore her more feminine and sensual side — and to me, that, is what made it initially difficult for Common’s character Scott to not see her as much more than “one of the boys.” Because clearly if there was absolutely no physical chemistry or connection, sex wouldn’t have ultimately gone down, and he wouldn’t have eventually ended up with Leslie (because who wants to be in a long-term relationship with someone whom they aren’t physically attracted to)?

I don’t know about y’all, but I know some “Leslies.” They might not be the traditional kind of pretty (whatever that means these days); however, they are definitely beautiful in their own right. Thing is, it can be hard to see them as “sexy” on any level because they’re always in some jeans and kicks and dapping guys up. Oh, but put them in a dress and some pumps sometimes and damn — she’s definitely giving other women a solid run for their money.

Listen, I’m a sneakerhead and proud of it. I remember a time when I didn’t own any, though, and the last boyfriend who I will ever have in this lifetime bought me some sneaks because he wanted to see what I looked like in a pair. About a year later, he felt like he created a monster because he rarely saw me dress up anymore, and he missed it. Because the thing about fashion is that it has the ability to bring out different sides to us.

If, when it comes to your own sense of style, words like “feminine” and “sensual” rarely — if ever — come to mind, why not make a few tweaks to that? No one said that you have to wear a little black dress every day. All I’m saying is just like Leslie caught our eyes when she dressed up, the same thing can happen to you…off screen.

You Are More Concerned with Being Everyone Else’s Matchmaker and/or Dating Coach

Does everyone come to you for relationship advice, and yet, interestingly enough, rarely are you offered any? Yeah, that’s another huge sign when it comes to what it means to friend-zone yourself. Here’s what I mean — a couple of years ago, I got sick and tired of a woman telling me that she was interested in a guy, yet she was too “scared” to tell him. He was a friend of mine as well, and so, one day, I randomly mentioned her in conversation, just to see where his head was at.

When he told me that he thought that she was cute, smart, and funny, I asked him if he had ever considered asking her out. His response was perfect for the point that I am trying to make here: “Oh, she’s not seeing someone? Every time we talk and the subject [of relationships] comes up, she’s always mentioning other women, so I thought that was her way of deflecting off of her.”

Okay…I don’t know how a guy is supposed to pick up on signals that you would be open to going out with him if you are constantly playing matchmaker when it comes to him and someone else, or even if you are the one he comes to for advice about another woman. I mean, I know in Usher’s song, “You Make Me Wanna,” and particularly when he said that he would (romantically) think about his best (female) friend after talking to her about his girlfriend, that it might seem like that’s the route to take — trust me, IT’S NOT.

I’ve got enough male friends, and I’ve been working with men long enough to know that they are pretty literal and quite good at compartmentalizing things. So, even if you are a bomb individual in their eyes, if you’re always talking to them about other women, they are going to see you as some version of a free dating coach and probably not much else. And if men are sounding off about other ladies to you…how in the world can you be seen as anything more than a shoulder or an ear?

What You Think Are ‘Boundaries’ Are Actually WALLS

Another way that some people friend-zone themselves is that they don’t allow someone to get close enough to see them as more than a friend. Group dates? Sure. One-on-ones? Nah. Text exchanges? Sure. Phone calls? They’re not so comfortable. Surface conversations about music, sports, culture, etc.? Sure. Deep conversations about dreams, feelings, and desires? They are gonna skirt around those as much as they possibly can.

I’ve asked some people who move like this what the deal is; what most of them say is since so many people see, treat and like them as a friend, they don’t want to run the risk of getting hurt or ultimately losing even the friendship if they step out and actually express more than platonic interest. If that is you, that, my dear, is also a form of self-sabotage.

Honestly, even when it comes to the whole “friends with benefits” thing, when the dynamic has run its course, usually who seems to have a problem with being "just friends" most, to me, is women — or at least, women who know that they settled for less by agreeing to something that was less than what they wanted in the first place. Meaning, (most) guys can handle — and would even prefer — remaining some sort of friends after sex ceases.

And the reason why all of this is relevant is because…if you like someone, you shouldn’t be afraid to let your guard down and see where things could go. If the two of you have some sort of healthy connection, even if things don’t work out, there is probably something salvageable there where you can still stay in touch or at least hug it out whenever you run into each other.

Bottom line: Guarding your heart and assessing the potential risks? That is called having boundaries. Never letting anyone close enough to you to even consider you as an option? That is called a wall. BIG DIFFERENCE.

No One in Your World Knows That You Truly Desire a Relationship

“You have not because you ask not.” It’s a verse in the Bible (James 4:2, to be exact) that is a great way to bring all of this to a close. I say that because the reality is, if you’ve seen yourself all up in and throughout this article, there’s a pretty good chance that another reason why you keep friend-zoning yourself is because no one really knows that you truly desire to be in a relationship in the first place. It’s like you assume that no one is going to see you in “that way,” and so you keep the wish to yourself.

Here’s the thing about that, though — as a Business Insider article states, there is a lot of power in asking for what you want because making a declaration helps to set things into motion; plus, as author Paulo Coelho once penned, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Adding to all of this, I promise that once you let your safe space know that you’re truly interested in dating, I’m willing to bet that you’ve got at least one or two girlfriends who will be more than happy to hook you up up with someone — they were just waiting on you to say the word. You know what they say — closed mouths don’t get fed and, as far as this topic is concerned, if you don’t say that you want to get out of the “friend zone”, how is someone supposed to know it?

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Friend-zoning? If you’re on the receiving end, it can be a hard pill to swallow. The only thing more challenging? It’s if you are doing it to your own self.

Now that you see what that looks like, please make the decision to pivot into something else. Hey, you never know what possibilities are in store when you actually put forth the concerted effort to stop…friend-zoning yourself.

Amen? Amen.

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