2021 taught us so much. In 2022, we are applying all that knowledge. More than anything we want to learn how to make ourselves available to both the beauty and pain this new year brings. New year, new me is always the mantra applied to this time of year. But how can we effectiely move forward with what could be without reflecting on what's been? As we look ahead to the next calendar year, we wanted to hear from some women about how their resilience manifested in 2021 and what they are speaking life in 2022.
Here's what they shared.
Rachel Owens
Courtesy of Rachel Owens
How She Made It Through 2021:
"In my opinion, 2021 should be renamed '2020: The Aftermath.' Balancing dealing with the loss of my father, the recovery of my toddler’s two open-heart surgeries as a heart patient myself, building a multi-six-figure business after losing my job, and living the Active-Duty Military Spouse life has challenged every non-emotional bone I thought I had in my body. It has been the year of BIG FEELINGS and challenges. The year of 'oh you thought you were strong?'
"The only way I made it through was GOD, a whole lot of prayer and crying out, some good throwback gospel that will make you fall on your knees, self-care routines, travel, wine, and sisterhood chats. Sometimes you just can’t do it by yourself!"
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"For 2022, I’m manifesting a continued beautiful and healthy union, securing generational wealth, good health, a life filled with peace and joy, meaningful relationships, seeing more of the world, Black girls winning being the standard and not the exception, luxury being the norm, growth, philanthropy, turning heads and shaking the room!"
Shyleshia “Shy” Daire
Courtesy of Shyleshia “Shy” Daire
How She Made It Through 2021:
"If 'they see my glory, but they don’t know my story' was a person, it would be a perfect summation of my 2021. Wearing the hat of a deployed spouse, mother, business owner, graduate student, model, and advocate of women empowerment pushed me to my limit. Getting through 2021 was possible because I stopped waiting for things to happen and started making things happen. I chose to take up the space in life I earned by making my own seat at every table, allowing my grind to fuel me and not move me. Walking in every room knowing that what’s mine, is mine. Maya Angelou said it best, 'I am the dream and the hope of the slave.'
"The moment I became 'woke' and stopped playing with my own potential, I shifted into my highest vibration. Deliberate of keeping my thoughts and intentions towards myself good, and my motives pure, the baggage became lighter. In 2021, I became teachable and willing to transform, I shifted out of stagnation and the willingness to conform to what society thought I should be, into me. I learned to simply BE, and I BECAME."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"In 2022, I am manifesting new and genuine connections. I am intentionally manifesting self, spiritual, and financial growth for myself. I am establishing new ways to empower women and become the best version of myself in the process. I am walking into situations designed to serve me and believing nothing happened by chance. I will be gracious to myself; I maintain an attitude of gratitude. I care for myself, and as a result, I exude positive energy. I am my ancestors' wildest dreams!"
Imani Nicholson
Courtesy of Imani Nicholson
How She Made It Through 2021:
"I made it through 2021 by really honing in on my creative process! I was fortunate enough to work from home so I capitalized on that. I brainstormed, created, brainstormed, and created some more! The removal of my commute to work really freed up time for me to work on my passions! I was also able to connect with other women who love beauty on Clubhouse and that opened so many doors and beautiful friendships for me! Knowing I had that support system really helped with my professional and personal growth!"
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"For 2022, I am manifesting bigger brand collaborations and pushing the envelope on the quality of content I create so that I connect more with my growing community of beauty and fashion lovers!"
Tomi Obebe
Courtesy of Tomi Obebe
How She Made It Through 2021:
"[2020] was difficult for a lot of people, myself included. As a self-employed business owner with an autoimmune disease, I struggled with isolation. 2021 was dedicated to how I could revive my relationships and intentional check-ins with my closest friends and family whenever I could. I also made a point to travel and experience a few new places with my husband once we got our vaccines.
"It's not until things change that you realize how much you can take for granted. This period in time continues to humble me and remind me of who and what is most important in my life. Without my circle, my faith, and a steady stream of chaotic reality TV (thank you Real Housewives), my year would've been a struggle."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"I'm claiming health, wealth, and clarity in abundance for myself and all those around me."
Amanda Johnson
Courtesy of Amanda Johnson
How She Made It Through 2021:
"Honestly, as someone who has a full-time job and also still manages a blog full-time, it has always been a struggle finding balance. I personally feel as if working from home full-time was a HUGE help since I could shoot content on my hour lunch break with my photographer. I also was taken on by an agency and having a manager who negotiates contracts for me has been a game-changer time-wise. I am able to spend more time on content creation while saving time on the nitty-gritty details. They also help me manage my deadlines!"
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"My personal goal is to double the income that I made in 2021. I was able to accomplish this in 2021 and hope to do the same this coming year. I'd also love to continue utilizing Pinterest marketing and growing my blog views using this!"
Asa Dugger
Courtesy of Asa Dugger
How She Made It Through 2021:
"Through prayer, and prioritizing myself through rest, leisure, and therapy."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"For 2022, I'm manifesting divine provision in my relationships, finances, and emotional health!"
Lynette
Courtesy of Lynette
How She Made It Through 2021:
"Intentionally embracing balance and being misunderstood. Anyone who knows me knows self-care in every aspect of life is my jam. 2021 gave the opportunity to put these skills to practice. As a healthcare professional, balance in 2021 became extremely important not only for self-care, continued reflection, and self-awareness but in navigating which conversations are helpful to yield promising results versus those that increase anxiety and perpetuate division. This [past] year gave me ample opportunity to become comfortable with being misunderstood and embracing not only NOT having the last word, but also NOT forcing dead-end lengthy explanations.
"2021 allowed me to continue to protect my God-provided personal peace and that of my sanctuary at home above all costs, regardless of family, friends, society, or work. Embracing where accountability meets the balance of my inner critic creating self-awareness and taking deep resetting breaths to perpetuate it!"
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"Balance changes daily, so continuing to make habits of everything above, inviting new challenges with God as my pilot."
Codou Diop
Courtesy of Coudou Diop
How She Made It Through 2021:
"2021 was a hard year but also a great year. I hit a lot of milestones! I made it through the year by being kind to myself and celebrating every small win. I also made it thanks to my community and my family. The pandemic has brought me close to such amazing like-minded creators that I would have never had the opportunity to meet."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"Love, health, success, and happiness."
Thaina Blot
Courtesy of Thaina Blot
How She Made It Through 2021:
"This year I said no to fear and yes to my husband and my dream of moving abroad. This pivot has brought so much light to what I value most and has provided the space to focus and cultivate more of those things."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"For 2022 I'm manifesting more peace, more love, health, laughter and unapologetically creating art daily."
Jazmyn Creer
Courtesy of Jazmyn Creer
How She Made It Through 2021:
"I made it through 2021 with a whole bunch of perseverance and honesty in my pain surrounding my desires. I had been wanting to leave a job for a long time and it felt like it wouldn’t come, but it did. In that, my husband and I would like to have our first child and it seemed like everyone but us have gotten pregnant. Just reminding myself that my/our journey is never the same as someone else’s and there is always a process and reason for what we go through."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"For 2022, I would like to spend more time enjoying the simplicity of life and everything that involves. I don’t want a lot of clutter, be it people, things, tools."
Francesca Murray
Courtesy of Francesca Murray
How She Made It Through 2021:
"I made it through 2021 by doing the work to break my scarcity mindset. Be it purchasing a book or course to learn something quickly instead of watching YouTube, or paying extra on a flight for priority boarding and roomier seats. I realized things don't always have to be done the hard way - and that convenience doesn't have to be a luxury. I no longer feel guilty for investing in what facilitates ease in my life, which has been great for my mental health!"
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"A consistent daily routine that allows me to be as efficient as possible while prioritizing rest - something we all deserve after the past two years we've had!"
Fenique
Courtesy of Fenique
How She Made It Through 2021:
"2021 was quite the year! Hope, believing in myself, and seeing other Black women glow up in their aspirations got me through this year. I began the year with a new man, a steady job, and plans for my 12.1cm fibroid tumor to be removed. Two weeks before my surgery the man vanished. Several weeks later I found myself free of tumors and a new job. Throughout the first two quarters of 2021, my perspective on my priorities changed. I’ve been working on my career for 10 years. This year I decided to focus on the things that have made me come alive.
"In September, I stepped out on faith in myself and quit my new job. I had no work-life balance and had a part-time job that could help me supplement my life. I really loved sharing my myomectomy story on my YouTube channel as well as my food and fashion content.
"I decided to focus on my brand. I’ve spent the fourth quarter of 2021 on a sabbatical from my 9-5 job. It has been the best decision of my life. I’ve decided to pivot into a different area in tech, go after my influencer dreams, and put my mental and physical health above everything else."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"Going into the new year I feel renewed and driven. I’m manifesting happiness, an abundance of peace, and success in all of my heart's desires."
Lakeisha
Courtesy of Lakeisha
How She Made It Through 2021:
"The truth is, I don’t know how I made it. One thing I did do was change my thinking from focusing so much on the future and learning how to take things day by day. I learned how to ask for help, for space, for grace, and for understanding. I spent more time with myself so I could learn about myself and made choices to surround myself with people and energy that fueled me. I read a lot of books so I could learn and understand other perspectives.
" I prayed, I cooked, I sang, I focused on forgiving, and sending love out to the world even when I felt I had none to give. I thanked God every day, even on the hard days. I wrote in a gratitude journal almost every day. I guess you can say I became way more intentional day-to-day and in return, I was given choices and another day to breathe and that’s how I made it through 2021."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"I am manifesting a life I don’t need a vacation from. That includes a safe and sacred space to live, a healthy body, mind, and spirit through meditation, exercise, and lucrative connections that are more than just finances. Harmonizing my time to do the things I love while contributing to the bigger picture of my life."
Jacinda F. McDuffie
Courtesy of Jacinda F. McDuffie
How She Made It Through 2021:
"I made it through 2021 with faith and family. In 2018, in the blink of an eye, I became the primary caregiver for my mommy; in 2019 my daddy died unexpectedly; in 2020 the pandemic caused my travel agency to come to a screeching halt, and in 2021 things started to slowly gain momentum. I do have a full-time job but my agency is my baby and my passion. Not being able to assist people to live out their travel dreams was/is hard BUT I know God will continue to work all of this out."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"For 2022 I am manifesting continued good health for my family, me, and others, a prosperous business and to continue to walk the path God sees fit for me."
Nyla Bland
Courtesy of Nyla Bland
How She Made It Through 2021:
"Every New Year, I select a word of the year. For 2021, I chose 'INTENTIONAL'. Keeping this word in the forefront is what helped me make it through this whirlwind of a year. In my younger days, I tended to be more reactive than proactive. Now I entered every decision with pure intent and calculation. Whether it was prioritizing self-care or choosing to work double to get ahead. Being intentional has become a way of life and has changed me for the better.
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"I’m manifesting clarity for women business owners around the world. That their newly formed, or pivoted, or expanded businesses continue to increase. And that they are effective leaders within their communities and organizations."
R'Chelle Mullins
Courtesy of R'Chelle Mullins
How She Made It Through 2021:
"After having a few impactful businesses deals and partnerships fall apart along with a fibroid diagnosis and two major surgeries this year, forgiveness, therapy and, radical self-care played a major part in my survival. Once I forgave others and myself, the road to healing mentally, physically, and emotionally was so much easier. Therapy helped me to appreciate who I am and navigate life with ease and live in the present."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"Financial security, more meaningful relationships/friendships, and the launch of my agency."
Amber Spottsville
Courtesy of Amber Spottsville
How She Made It Through 2021:
"2021 handed me my entire black ass, okay?! But GAWD. A lot of prayer and therapy were involved, approximately 22 bottles of Black Girl Magic Riesling (shout out to the McBride Sisters), and a deep dive into self-care and self-realization. 2021 taught me how to simply let go and let flow. I gave frequent self-reminders that 'comparison is the thief of joy,' I’m running my own race and doing it well evidently because I am still here. I will be 30 in 2022 and I am NOT defeated."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"I am manifesting love, both platonic and romantic, health, wealth, and a whole [lot of] growth through me and around me in 2022. And most importantly, I am welcoming all the ebbs and flows with an open mind and heart."
Lauren D. Fisher
Courtesy of Lauren D. Fisher
How She Made It Through 2021:
"The grace of God! [2021] was definitely a year of tests and strength with quitting a job I hated to getting one I love, new love (still figuring each other out), and getting in a wreck totaling a new car after having to get a new car when my 10-year-old baby’s engine went out."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"I’m manifesting it all! More travel, a new home, new opportunities, and organic happiness!
Andrea Ellison
Courtesy of Andrea Ellison
How You Made It Through 2021:
"2020 was my precursor for 2021. I left an abusive marriage for the final time and I've been on a journey rebuilding myself from the inside out. As a single mother of three children, it hasn't been easy. I have continued pursuing my second Master's degree in Social Work while working. My friendships have been the epitome of greatness and have been my continued source of motivation.
"To not only just live my best life but to thrive. Being able to travel to multiple places such as taking my kids to Denver to go skiing for the first time and turning up with my girls in Mexico, Puerto Rico, and Paris have been those reminders that I need to remember that my life is worth living at the absolute highest level."
What She’s Manifesting For 2022:
"My experience is serving the foundation for me to be able to assist women who are domestic violence survivors and who are transitioning from divorce and relationships to empower them to redefine themselves and to identify their purpose. For 2022, I'm continuing to come for every blessing that I thought I didn't deserve in every area of my life."
Alicia Myers and Samantha Joseph
Courtesy of Alicia Myers and Samantha Joseph
How They Made It Through 2021:
"2021 proved to be a year of isolation and self-cleansing. Through this process, the discrimination we have experienced over the years surfaced and it was a perfect time to bring to life a dream of ours to create a fashion show that would answer to the inequalities evident in the fashion industry. Samantha and I came together and formed our non-profit organization Color of Fashion which was created to elevate fashion and promote inclusivity by bridging the gap between diversity and high fashion. We made Color of Fashion our utmost priority and it quickly developed into a movement that we will continue to breathe life into."
What They’re Manifesting For 2022:
"For 2022, we are manifesting a larger impact and aim to shed light on the biases that continue to plague the fashion industry. We plan to maximize our resources and grow exponentially so we can be the change this industry needs."
Featured image courtesy of Shyleshia “Shy” Daire
RELATED
Now, before we go all in, let me also say that although oftentimes, when we talk about the poison (because that is what toxic means, right?) relationships in our life, it tends to be from the angle of a romantic one, these can apply to any type of relational dynamic including relatives, friends, and co-workers. So please, as you’re processing all of these definitions, don’t just ask yourself if you and/or your bae do these things to one another; ponder if you’ve got any kind of connection with someone who resembles any of this…because, if you do, it’s time to make some serious changes. Because poison (toxicity), in any form, is good for absolutely no one.
1. "Fauxpology"
GiphyHell, when I first got introduced to the concept of a “fauxpology,” I got triggered just looking at the damn word. LOL. The reality is that, although it sucks for someone to have done you hurt or harm and not even say “I’m sorry” for it, what’s even worse is for them to apologize and not really mean it. And just how do you know that they didn’t? Making excuses or trying to justify their actions equates to a fauxpology. Trying to find a way to turn you into the victimizer and them the victim in the process (for instance, “I only did that because you…”) is a fauxpology. The oh-so-very arrogant, “Look, I’ve already apologized for this; I’m not going to do it again” is a fauxpology.
Trying to gaslight you into thinking that what you know happened didn’t happen that way within their so-called apology is a fauxpology. Finding every way in the world to apologize, BUT actually doing it is a fauxpology. And a problem with all of these is it’s rooted in not taking personal accountability — which almost guarantees that the individual who owes you a genuine apology is going to repeat what they did to you, some way, on some level…again. If not immediately, eventually, chile.
2. "Hoovering"
GiphyNow that I’ve completed my (third) book, it has truly tripped me out how much I’m discussing narcissism and narcissistic abuse. The truth is, several people in my world had me caught up in their destructive patterns, and I didn’t even know it because I hadn’t studied narcissism at the level that I have now — and boy, is hoovering a tactic that narcissists like to use pretty often.
Basically, "hoovering" is what happens when you attempt to set boundaries with someone who isn’t very healthy for you, and once they see that is what you are doing, they find ways to try and reel you back in. They might do it by love bombing you (giving you a ton of attention and affection at first, just to regain your trust), trying to make you feel guilty, acting like nothing happened in the first place (which is just another form of gaslighting at the end of the day); invalidating your emotions by making light of what they did (or light of how you feel about what they did); making plans involving the two of you without asking your permission to do so (toxic relatives are good for this type of ish), and/or getting your loved ones involved in order to put more stress on you.
One of the biggest problems with hoovering is that the person doing it is so concerned with getting their own needs met that they will totally railroad yours to make it happen — if you let them, that is.
3. "Double Bind"
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GiphyIt’s hilarious how many articles reference the phrase that definitely comes to mind whenever I think of someone who likes to “double bind” someone else:damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And just why is this so fitting? Well, a double bind (as far as a relationship is concerned) is when someone sends conflicting messages. For instance, when people lead with compliments and then follow that up with insults (“You’re smart ‘n all but you do some really dumb stuff a lot”), how exactly are you supposed to process that information? Exactly. Honestly, one of the first things that comes to my mind are divorced parents who say some of the dumbest stuff to their children: “I can’t stand your father. He loves you, though.”
Yeah, some of y’all need to see a therapist and quit using your children as sounding boards (it’s just another form of emotional abuse that perhaps I will unpack at another time). Another example is when people will say one thing while their tone conveys something totally different (in walks sarcasm and/or cynicism). If after someone walks away from an individual the first thing that comes to mind is they are in a no-win dynamic, more times than not, it means that they are caught up in a double bind. And anything (or one) that constantly causes you to feel confused or defeated? Some toxicity is brewing, for sure.
4. "Engulfment"
GiphyIf you’re someone who is familiar with attachment styles in relationships, you might’ve heard of engulfment before. Probably the easiest way to define this is it’s an extreme form of codependency and a close relative of love addiction. The reason why I say that is because engulfment is basically about being so immersed or caught up in someone that you become more reliant on them than you actually should be. Hmph. A real danger with engulfment is when the lines between two people become so blurred that they lose their identities, which is known as enmeshment. When this goes down, both people find themselves throwing boundaries out the window which is never wise or good.
What are some telltale signs of engulfment as far as a relationship is concerned? If you or your partner feel like you have to take responsibility for each other’s emotions (“You MADE me say this” or “You MAKE me do that”) or your total sense of self-worth is wrapped up in each other, you are caught up in engulfment/enmeshment — and yes, that is a huge red flag. It sets you up to make an idol out of your partner or your relationship…and no one or nothing should be put on that kind of pedestal.
5. "Relational Hypervigilance"
GiphyHands down, one of my favorite quotes is, “Adulthood is surviving childhood,” and this definitely complements the need to avoid relational hypervigilance. I say that because folks who have past trauma, abandonment issues, deep insecurities, or problems with trusting others (all of which can come from a dysfunctional childhood) are prone to fall for this particular type of behavior.
That said, relational hypervigilance is all about someone being so anxious in the relationship that they come off as low-key paranoid or controlling — you know, going through your phone, wanting all of your passcodes and passwords, blaming you for doing things that they’ve conjured up in their mind because they worry a lot.
As a result, they keep their partner on eggshells, which draws a wedge between them and their partner, which causes them to become more distrustful and their partner to become drained and even resentful.
More than anything, relational hypervigilance is a vicious cycle. This is actually one of the reasons why I am not a fan of people thinking that it is someone’s job to “show their love” by constantly reassuring their partner. It is not anyone’s responsibility to make you feel more secure and self-assured about yourself than you are willing to on your own. Unfortunately, since relational hypervigilance is so rampant, folks have normalized it instead of realizing just how unhealthy it actually is.
6. "Mutual Assured Destruction"
GiphyThis is rooted in a military concept. Basically, mutual assured destruction is the thought process that two sides can ultimately destroy each other based on their actions, regardless of who went on the attack first. As far as relationships go, while on the surface, this can look like nothing more than two people who choose (because it is always a choice) to fight dirty, mutual assured destruction can manifest in a more cryptic way as well: codependency. Probably one of the biggest issues in a problematic marriage is when the relationship has — pardon the pun — gone MAD. The cryptic thing about it, relationally, is it typically shows up with two opposite approaches draining one another.
For instance, one person might be seen as the savior and hero while the other is seen as the “sinner” or victim. While the savior is able to feel powerful, the sinner is able to feel protected. Another way that this “works” is if one person handles all of the finances while the other is totally reliant on them; the first person can control the dynamic while the other person may become needy or helpless.
The main thing to keep in mind about "mutual assured destruction" is the motive and intent of things that are said and done — oh, and if a particular pattern or habit is hurting the relationship instead of helping it…because, real talk, some people stay in connection with certain other people only because they are used to them; not because they are actually good for them.
7. "Devaluation"
GiphyThis last one is something else because it kind of has another side to its coin — one that is also relationally counterproductive. So, where’s the deal: devaluation is about exaggerating someone’s flaws while idealization is about playing up their good points too much. You know, I’ve shared before that one of my favorite quotes is “The excess of a virtue is a vice,” and when it comes to idealization, that would certainly apply. And just what could be wrong with complimenting someone too much? Well, the motive and reason(s) are what I’m curious about; I’ll explain.
Not too long ago, I watched a sex trafficking documentary calledTricked(on Tubi). One of the things that it kept bringing up is the pattern of a pimp: how they will first idealize a woman (especially one who they can tell has low self-esteem) and then, once she is reliant on them, they start to devalue her. Suddenly, they no longer see her good qualities; now, all they want to focus on is her bad points or flaws, so she feels so low that she doesn’t have the mental and emotional strength to leave. This doesn’t just happen in the trafficking world; unfortunately, far too many people do their partners the same way.
First, they pile on the flattering to earn their trust, and then they start to hone in on their flaws (or simply what they don’t like about them, which isn’t always or automatically the same thing) to put their partner in the position of wanting to do more for them in order to keep them around. Managers and supervisors can do this, too (check out “Ever Wonder If You've Got An Emotionally Abusive Boss?”). They’ll tell you all kinds of stuff about how awesome you are (without giving you a promotion or raise) to get you to do more work; then, when you decide to stand up for yourself and want more, suddenly, you’re the one who is problematic (insert eye rolls here).
Bottom line with devaluation is, 8 times out of 10, if you’re not feeling valued in a particular type of relationship that you are in — you are probably right.
____
Author and speaker Steve Maraboli once said, “Don’t confuse 'familiar' with 'acceptable.' Toxic relationships can fool you like that.” Y’all, he ain’t neva lied. Sometimes, we stay in toxic situations with folks because we don’t have the strength to leave. Other times, it’s because there are still some perks to staying (I’ll have to delve into that at another time). And then, sometimes, we do it because, although we know something isn’t quite right, we aren’t able to fully pinpoint or clearly articulate what is going on.
Hopefully, this quick list will help to shed some light for some of you if you’ve been knowing that something with someone in your life is “off” — you just haven’t been able to define what it is. Because the sooner you can call out what is toxic, the sooner you can shift or remove it altogether. And the sooner that happens? FREEDOM. Guaranteed.
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Featured image by da-kuk/Getty Images