I grew up spending summers with my aunts and uncles in Brooklyn and Harlem, crushing hard on Puerto Rican boys and enjoying city escapades within the Puerto Rican diaspora community that had a major presence there. Back then, I’d hear Hector Levoe as often as I would Michael Jackson, and I’d crave traditional arroz con pollo just as much as a traditional pizza slice. I’d felt the Black and Brown connection of food, music, and traditions from a young age.
But even after years of traveling a lot for business and pleasure in my adulthood, I’d never actually been to Puerto Rico.
San Juan is always at the top of the list for popular vacation spots in PR, but when I was finally offered the opportunity to witness the true richness of Black culture via a trip with Discover Puerto Rico to Fajardo— a region in the East, just an hour’s drive from San Juan—I jumped at the chance. The whole experience was eye-opening, cleansing, alluring, and life-changing.
And since it’s Black History Month, I've created an itinerary full of cultural richness and adventure that you can add to your bucket list when you visit Puerto Rico.
Where I Stayed:
At El Conquistador Resort's La Marina
Courtesy of Janell Hazelwood
El Conquistador
Fajardo, Puerto Rico
This was just the perfect spot to not only be centrally located to take on activities and excursions but to get the quiet time I needed to reflect on all I saw and witnessed on the trip.
The resort is an expansive property with four pools, a massive golf course, a private island called Palomino, a water park, and beachfront restaurants. It still had a vibe that hugged you in a way no super-commercialized tourist trap ever would.
My room was located within their La Marina Village section, which was a Godsend because, from my private balcony, I could enjoy quiet mornings and sunrises with my cup of coffee. The room also included a king-sized bed, minimalist but modern decor, a waterfall shower, a workspace and seating area, a coffee station, and streaming and cable TV. The vibes were like living in an oceanfront gated community.
Fun Excursions
Bespoke Lifestyle Management
Carolina
The drivers and tour guides had us riding in style (a luxury Black SUV to be exact) while they transported us to and from each activity, sharing details on the history of the rainforest, the culture of the surrounding communities, and the best off-the-beaten-path spots to eat. (Because of them, there’s a strip of restaurants in Fajardo that specialize in offering nothing but pork that I have to visit next time I’m in PR).
I highly recommend booking tours through a guide service or company because they usually know all of the off-the-beaten-path places to go. (But even if you don’t book one like Bespoke, you can still hire your own driver or rent your own car.)
Mini-Boat & Snorkeling Tours With Kayaking Puerto Rico
Las Croabas
I’m nobody’s swimmer (and I’ve never really enjoyed being in the middle of an ocean in a boat smaller than a cruise ship,) but this right here was a memorable tour that I’m glad I tried. You can get your Megan Thee Stallion on and drive the boat, or like me—the fearful non-swimmer in the group—opt to be a passenger, in pairs of twos or threes.
We were part of a small convoy riding along the beautiful coast of Fajardo. We stopped for guided snorkeling in La Cordillera Nature Reserve’s amazing coral reefs.
Then we ventured to Icacos Beach (located on the small island of Cayo Icacos) where we enjoyed drinks and snacks. The team was informative, and fun, and made sure everyone (from experienced snorkelers to newbies) could enjoy themselves.
The Rainforest Zipline Park
Rio Grande
This location has five platforms with the first few being testers to prep you for the higher lines that take you through the lush greenery and nature. The staff was welcoming, fun, and super-attentive to ensuring everyone's safety, and this was key for me, a first-timer who has a fear of heights and has battled with vertigo in the past.
The groups were small, which made the experience feel intimate. I learned new things about pushing my own boundaries and recognized how fear literally is an avoidable roadblock to fully enjoying life. It sparked a new interest to do more extreme sports during my travels.
Brisket at La Estacion in Fajardo, Puerto Rico
Courtesy of Janell Hazelwood
Where I Ate (My Favs):
Rio Grande
A local breakfast and brunch favorite, this cute restaurant had friendly staff, chic coffee-shop decor, and good food. Instead of going with the usual pancake or egg dishes, try the arepa benedicts, a Puerto Rican play on the Eggs Benedict that swaps out the English muffin with cornmeal cakes. It was a lovely mix of savory, creamy, and sweet.
Cinco Nudos
Fajardo
This is a casual waterfront seafood eatery that I absolutely loved. I highly recommend trying the croquetas de bacalao (traditional Puerto Rican cod croquettes), the Calamares Costeros (squid rings with lemon aioli), and the fresh whole red snapper with Creole sauce. Everything tasted like they literally caught it that day.
Whole snapper fish at Cinco Nudos
Courtesy of Janell Hazelwood
La Estacion
Fajardo
The Nuyorican BBQ here was more than amazing but what really intrigued me was the backstory of this restaurant being a former gas station revamped into a restaurant by a couple who relocated to their roots more than a decade ago.
Try the charcoal-grilled local spiny-tail lobster, the coconut arepitas, their traditional rice and beans, and the star of the table: their brisket.
The sticky, sweet, and tender meat almost melts on your tongue and the cilantro chimichurri adds just enough of a citrusy boost that leaves you yearning for more.
A bonus: The owners brought out something called pitorro, or “Puerto Rican moonshine,”—a fermented drink traditionally made with sugarcane, spices, and fruits and enjoyed during the holidays. (Coming from someone who can drink shots of Jamaican white rum straight, the name didn’t scare me. It was a delish sweet closer for the night).
Bomba dancing in Loiza, Puerto Rico
Courtesy of Janell Hazelwood
Must-Visit Black Culture Spots:
Bomba Dancing With Sheila Osoiro of Taller Nzambi
Loiza
Bomba dance has roots in African ancestry and the slave rebellion in Puerto Rico, and learning the steps along with participating in this activity was deeply connecting and spiritual. (And not in the ‘Blood of Jesus, rebuke it!’ way.) Her classes are taught at the oceanfront, near a small square of small shops and stands where everyday Loizans congregate. Sheila was bold and captivating in her movements as well as her detailing the relationship between the drummers and the dancer and the history of bomba’s influential impact on generations of Afro-Puerto Ricans.
With every step of my bare feet in the sand and every sway of my hips, I felt not only a once-in-a-lifetime kinship with the land but with all the women who communed together in the dance circle with me, embracing both the living and the memories of those passed on.
This stop is mandatory when visiting Puerto Rico, especially as Black women of the diaspora.
Art Experience with Samuel Lind
Loiza
The three-story enclave—that by the way, gave alluring, mystical New Orleans Bourbon Street vibes—is located on a quiet narrow street in a community called Medianía Alta, and it serves as Lind's art studio and home.
His vivid realist depictions of Afro-Puerto Rican culture, festivals, spirituality, and traditions, especially of the people of Loiza, are colorfully divine and really intrigue you. I was so captivated that I bought a print on-site, which he signed.
I was happy to add a piece from an iconic artist, whose work has been featured at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Santurce, Puerto Rico as well as in Chicago, Philadelphia, New York, and Cleveland, to my own collection.
Iconic scultor and painter Samuel Lind, in his studio in Loiza, Puerto Rico
Courtesy of Janell Hazelwood
When I was told that I would be visiting Artesanias Castor Ayala, a shop that specializes in vejigantes masks (a horned mask that dates back to medieval Spanish folklore and is used in PR's Carnivals), I thought, ‘Oh, hell no!’ Any mention of demons and you can count me out. However, since the vejigantes masks are a huge part of Afro-Puerto Rican culture and, in today’s uses, are said to be more about the “battle between good and evil,” I took a deep breath, said a prayer, and gave it a chance. (And to be fair, a lot of our favorite American and Caribbean festivals and celebrations have less-than-savory undertones and history.) I was relieved when we went to this little house, just a few minutes' drive from the art gallery, because, who was there? A group of nuns. (Ha, look at God!)
By the time we left, I got a good sense of what goes into hand-making the masks and why they play such a huge role in Afro-Puerto Rican culture and folklore.
An added bonus: Tito, one of the hosts, took us in the backyard (where chickens were walking about unfazed) to show us photos and news clippings from his music career when he toured internationally with Latin bands. He chopped fresh coconuts for us to drink the water and eat the jelly (and shout out to all my fellow Caribbeans because I literally felt like I was back a ya’d at this guy’s spot).
If you're looking to tap into African culture and heritage in Puerto Rico, or simply explore another part of the diverse island, this itinerary is for you, allowing the space for reflection, fun, good eating, and more.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Janell Hazelwood
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images
