Today some travelers are motivated by bucket lists and "30 countries before 30" challenges, and while there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, in 2023 I wanted to start the year off by returning to one of my most visited countries - The Bahamas.
The Bahamas has special meaning to me. It’s the place where my husband and I traveled as newlyweds, where my sister and I spent a weekend girls' trip, and it was one of the first places I took my kids when we started traveling as a family. The Bahamas has always been a place I return to, partly because it’s so close to my home in South Florida and because the beautiful beaches are an ideal setting for a peaceful break.
A New Year in a Familiar Destination
Last year was full of highs and lows, and I wanted to spend my first days of the new year in a good place. I set out to usher in the new year in The Bahamas by spending a week in Nassau with my two preteen-aged kids, exploring more than we had on our previous trips.
On December 29th, after a quick hour-long flight, we touched down in Nassau, and the pink Victorian homes and bright turquoise waters were a welcome sight. We checked into the newly opened Margaritaville Beach Resort, which offered easy access to all of Nassau’s attractions. On our first night, I sat out on the balcony watching the sun disappear on the horizon, and I knew I had made the right choice.
Margaritaville Beachfront
Mariette Williams
A Week Well Spent
We had always spent just a few days in The Bahamas, in Nassau and Grand Bahama, but on this week-long trip, we were able to take in a lot more. On one of our first nights, we made our way to Fish Fry, a nearby strip of local restaurants and food vendors, and ate freshly fried conch fritters and red snapper on the rooftop patio of Twin Brothers. On previous visits, we had only walked past Graycliff Manor, the historic 18th-century mansion in downtown Nassau. But on this trip, we ate an elegant seafood lunch and toured the iconic wine cellar, which is home to over 250,000 bottles of wine.
Though we loved spending our time in downtown Nassau, some of our best meals were outside of Nassau’s tourist areas. We followed the advice of locals and lunched at Traveler’s Rest, where we devoured battered crawfish bites while enjoying the tropical breezes coming off the water. Another gem was Studio Cafe, a former recording studio for stars like Bob Marley and James Brown that serves traditional Bahamian dishes like crispy cracked conch paired with sweet mango chutney.
We also spent a blissful day at Atlantis Paradise Island, and my kids made a beeline to the high-speed water slides at Aquaventure. Afterward, we lazed in the beachside hammocks and made plans to come back and explore the onsite marine habitat filled with sharks and stingrays. Atlantis was followed up by visiting some of the more uncrowded beaches around Nassau. And while there aren’t any private beaches in The Bahamas, the beaches outside of the hotel zone felt more secluded. Our favorites were Jaw’s Beach, Goodman’s Bay, and Cabbage Beach, and we often felt like we had the beaches to ourselves.
Beachfront of Atlantis Paradise Island
Mariette Williams
Jaw's Beach
Mariette Williams
Celebrating Junkanoo Festival
With Quentin "Barrabas" Woodside at Junkanoo World Museum
Mariette Williams
The highlight of our trip was attending the all-night Junkanoo parade, where we were exposed to the rich culture in The Bahamas. At the Educulture Junkanoo Museum, director Arlene Nash Ferguson explained how Junkanoo existed in The Bahamas for over 200 years, originating when enslaved Africans dressed in costumes made of leaves, straw, and shells and celebrated with dancing and parades. Today that tradition lives on with two Junkanoo parades on December 27th and January 2nd that feature bands parading through the streets of Nassau with elaborate floats and vibrant, feathered costumes.
Pasting Junkanoo masks
Mariette Williams
Before the parade, we also visited the Junkanoo World Museum & Arts Center where we had a behind-the-scenes look at what goes into putting the festival costumes together. We spent a morning with the owner, Quentin “Barrabas” Woodside, who explained how each costume and float was pasted with strips of colorful crepe paper by hand. He also showed us how to paste a mask, which gave us an appreciation of how much work went into preparing for Junkanoo.
And at 12:01 a.m. on January 2nd, the Junkanoo parade finally kicked off. The parade was back after a two-year hiatus, and it was hard not to get swept up in the energy from the crowd. Thousands lined Bay Street to see the return of their favorite bands as drums, cowbells, and trumpets rang out the triumphant return to the parade, which lasted until the sun came up. The night was an unforgettable display of Bahamian culture - and the best way to start the new year.
Junkanoo Band
Mariette Williams
Junkanoo Dancers
Mariette Williams
Why Return Travel?
While there’s also a sense of awe in visiting a new country, there’s a certain magic in revisiting the same places. My week in The Bahamas helped me slow down and have a deeper travel experience. I visited several off-the-beaten-path beaches, ate at local restaurants, and learned the history behind the one-of-a-kind Junkanoo parade.
When we return to the same countries, it’s nearly impossible to have the same travel experience because the places we visit also change. Since our last visit, new restaurants and hotels had cropped up around Nassau, and on this return trip, I was reminded that we had changed too. I had come back to The Bahamas with my kids, now preteens, and we sought out different experiences from when they were toddlers - ones that helped them learn more about the local culture.
Return travel also helps us go beyond our initial impressions, allowing us to see more and forge new memories. As we boarded the plane to go back home, my daughter asked me when we would be coming back. The week had made an indelible impression on both me and my kids, and we’re all looking forward to returning to The Bahamas to discover more about one of our favorite destinations.
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- Where To Travel In 2023, According To Your Zodiac Sign ›
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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