When Lauren Simmons stepped through the doors at 40 Wall Street, it didn't cross her mind that her first day as a stock trader was one that would go down in history. In fact, prior to a chance encounter with fate, the then 22-year-old had no intention of working for her new company, Rosenblatt Securities, or the New York Stock Exchange at all.
"I had no clear direction of what I wanted to do," says Simmons. "I didn't know anything about equity trading. It wasn't a passion of mine in the sense of I've been working my entire life to get to the New York Stock Exchange."
It was, however, an opportunity of a lifetime. So early that morning before the sun hit the sky, she slipped on her heels, painted her lips, and made her way to what has been deemed by some as the geographic center of American capitalism. For it was on Wall Street that Simmons would earn recognition for being the youngest female trader and the second African-American woman in 226 years to hold the title, and just the beginning for a woman who refuses to be confined by conventional career paths.
Journey to Wall Street
Photo Credit: Ida John
Life for Simmons is anything but normal. At 25 years old, she's traveling the world as a motivational speaker for women and youth, is the executive producer of a biopic coming out starring Kiersey Clemmons chronicling her journey to Wall Street, and in the upcoming year will be the host of her own financial TV show. Oh, and there's a book in the works, too.
"This is what I wanted to do, which was so much more rewarding than, you know, the life of being a trader," she says.
Just a few years ago, Simmons had her heart set on a career in architectural engineering with a focus on designing and building homes. When she didn't get into her desired program, she switched to genetics with a minor in statistics in hopes of becoming a genetic counselor. Inspired, in part, by the desire to help families like hers who have loved ones with disabilities, and also by her love of numbers. But after writing her senior thesis and realizing that there was a lack of technological advancement in the field, she decided that genetics was no longer a path she wanted to pursue. She did, however, know that without a doubt, she needed to be in New York. So in December 2016, just after graduating from Kennesaw State University, she hopped on a plane to the Big Apple without a job lined up.
Ironically, Simmons says she wasn't always a risk-taker, but growing up with a twin brother who didn't let his disability handicap his life inspired her to pursue the one she wanted. "He never looked at his disability as a disability; he always would say yes to everything," she says. "And I just felt for me like I'm an able-bodied person, I don't have a reason to say no or to not do anything. The biggest roadblock for everybody is themselves and setting these limiting beliefs, and he really showed me that there really is no such thing as that."
"The biggest roadblock for everybody is themselves and setting these limiting beliefs, and he really showed me that there really is no such thing as that."
In New York, Simmons hit the ground running, applying for a number of jobs, and using LinkedIn to set up in-person meetings with over 300 executives, senior HR managers, and CEOs she found on LinkedIn. A tactic, she says, helped to separate her from the thousands of applicants hitting the inboxes of HR reps for what would often be only one position. While her strategy helped her to get some face-time with decision-makers, it didn't get her the response that she was looking for. Many expressed doubt in her goal of switching career paths, shooting down her desire to shoot for the stars, which Simmons says is, in part, due to generational differences.
"I think for the older generation, everything needs to be linear, meaning if you want to get a degree in genetics, then you're going to get a job at a hospital or something very linear and direct," she says. "I think the millennial generation, and even Gen Z is like, it's OK to want to switch jobs. It's OK that you got a four-year degree in something and you want to do something completely different."
Despite the resounding no's, Simmons continued to fight for that one yes. "There was a reason why I had this gut feeling that I needed to be in New York," says Simmons. "I didn't know what it was and what that was going to look like, but I knew I would find that job and I knew that it was going to work out."
For nearly three months, she continued to hustle her resume to anyone who would take a meeting with her. Her resilience paid off when a gentleman who worked at a large financial firm connected her with a colleague in equity trading. But there was one catch— she had never worked in the financial industry before, let alone at the biggest hub for trading and investing.
"I tell people you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable in these spaces," says Simmons. "The biggest growth comes from putting yourself in a new environment. When I get answers like, 'Oh, but I'm not qualified' or 'I'm this or that,' I'm like, OK, so let that person tell you no. Don't stop yourself from doing it because you've already told yourself no before the opportunity even came your way."
"I tell people you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable in these spaces. The biggest growth comes from putting yourself in a new environment."
The next day, she would get her first introduction to the trading floor.
Youngest Woman on the Trading Floor
Photo Credit: Ida John
At 5:30 in the morning, Simmons would join her colleagues on the trading floor of Rosenblatt Securities to start a nearly 12-hour shift. As the only woman on the trading floor, she certainly was one you could not miss. "The first day I went around and literally was introduced to everybody, which is 250 men, and most of their names were John. They were like forget about our names, just guess and it most likely is John, which turned out to be very true."
The lack of diversity both in gender and skin color didn't escape her notice. Yet years of attending a predominantly white high school and working in male-dominated environments throughout college prepared her for this very moment. "There was a reason they said yes to me," she states with unshakeable confidence. "Your job does not care if you're tall, skinny, fat, blue, black, or orange; it cares that you do well in your job. And I just wanted to do really well in my position."
Life on Wall Street was a drastic change for the young college grad but in an exhilarating way. Her days would range from administration work in which she would arrive early to set up everyone's computers, attend meetings before the open and after the close of the stock market, and run around with her high heels echoing across the trading floor in an attempt to get the price of the opening stock for institutional clients like Google and Apple, whom she traded a notional value of $150 million a day. "I didn't go to school for finance, let alone the stock market or anything related to it, so I had a lot to learn within a short amount of time, but I loved it."
"I didn't go to school for finance, let alone the stock market or anything related to it, so I had a lot to learn within a short amount of time, but I loved it."
Unsurprisingly, the long hours both in and outside of work left little time for a social life. While she got along well with her male colleagues, there weren't often invitations extended to join the boys' club for after-hour drinks and the likes. Outside of the workplace, inclusivity was a foreign language. Still, Simmons credits having male mentors like Richard Rosenblatt for helping her navigate the financial terrain. And to this day, she has yet to be embraced by other women for mentorship, something she hopes will change with her generation.
Before she could officially claim the title of equity trader, however, she first had to pass a mandatory test for securities professionals that, at the time, boasted a low 20% passing rate.
"The men on the trading floor were making open bets on if I was going to pass," she says in an interview with Express. "Everyone thought I was going to fail. When I found out I passed, I didn't scream, I didn't get excited, I just opened the result's paper and closed it. And everyone was, like, 'Did you pass?' And I was like, 'I did.' And there was silence on the trading floor. You could only hear the machines whirring. Everyone was in shock. I rang the bell that day."
"Everyone thought I was going to fail. When I found out I passed, I didn't scream, I didn't get excited, I just opened the result's paper and closed it. And everyone was, like, 'Did you pass?' And I was like, 'I did.' And there was silence on the trading floor. You could only hear the machines whirring. Everyone was in shock. I rang the bell that day."
It would be another few months before she would learn that she not only passed the infamous exam but was only the second African American to do so. Nearly a year after starting on the trading floor, the media started to pick up that there was a new girl on the block breaking down barriers. Her story hit outlets like Forbes, Harper's Bazaar and CNBC, flashing images of the baby-faced beauty who was keeping up with The Johns.
Her newfound notoriety also opened her up to a world that she didn't previously consider. Soon she was picking up speaking engagements and encouraging more women and minorities to fearlessly pursue careers in finance, and inspiring her generation to strive towards financial freedom.
"I started getting exposure to the opportunities that I was given and realizing that my purpose was bigger than trying to make white men wealthy," she says. "I really wanted to see more people of color and women and younger people being able to infiltrate those spaces."
Beyond Wall Street
Photo Credit: Ida John
Back in the comfort of her childhood home where she's traded in the now silent streets of New York for the soft rustling of the wind through southern grass and trees, Simmons is educating me on which stocks are worth investing in given the current state of the market. Just a few days before, the Dow plummeted a shocking 3,000 points, an extreme loss that hasn't occurred since the Black Monday crash of 1987.
"The travel industry is going to be shot for the next 21 months because 93% of countries aren't allowed to travel," she says. "Once the travel ban is lifted, it's going to be a while before travel and airlines and cruises kind of bounced back. I believe that the market is going to reset to its bottom at least two more times."
That same day, Simmons posted on Instagram for the first time in three months offering her followers a chance to ask any questions, and ensuring them that "this will pass." She has since been regularly going live, using her platform to lessen fears about the stock market and offer financial advice, a foreshadow of what's to come with her financial talk show set to air in 2021. As the self-proclaimed "Suze Orman of her generation, for her generation," she hopes to bring a fresh perspective on the topic of personal finance, encouraging millennials and Gen Z to develop better spending habits with an emphasis on building generational wealth.
"I know people are eager and there are so many companies who are like invest now as early as you can," she says. "And while I think that is true to a certain degree, I definitely put an asterisk at the end of that sentence. Because if you have student loan debt, if you don't have anything in savings, and you haven't saved for retirement, why are you putting the extra cost that you should be really putting into yourself into the market?"
"70% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck," she continues. "Trying to build generational wealth is building up a budget and building up savings. Obviously getting to be able to buy a home at some point, but having revolving credit card debts is not actually preparing for your future and isn't going to create generational wealth, and preparing for your future is not stock market. You want to be thinking about your future, and that is always first and foremost. No credit card debt, student loan debt, you know, start to actually build out that wealth beyond your savings account— beyond your retirement account."
"Trying to build generational wealth is building up a budget and building up savings. Obviously getting to be able to buy a home at some point, but having revolving credit card debts is not actually preparing for your future and isn't going to create generational wealth, and preparing for your future is not stock market. You want to be thinking about your future, and that is always first and foremost. No credit card debt, student loan debt, you know, start to actually build out that wealth beyond your savings account— beyond your retirement account."
It's been a year-and-a-half since Simmons left Wall Street, a move that she says didn't come without criticism. In a recent interview, she shared that many thought her decision to leave the trading floor to be "foolish" and dismisses what she refers to as "dated mindsets" before declaring that no one should stay in the same job their whole life.
"I knew I wasn't going to stay on the trading floor but I knew that it would lead to opportunities bigger than what I would have even imagined," she says. "I was enjoying it, but I gave myself a limit. Two years and then I'm going to go on and do something else."
She credits her mother for instilling a fearlessness in her that's fueled the risks taken to pursue her dreams. She shares a story of the single-parent being in and out of the hospital with her twin brother, and ultimately quitting her job on the spot after an employer gave her an ultimatum of putting her job first or her kids. "She definitely taught me to be fearless and do things that are right for you, and have a passion and purpose. She's always told me don't ever give anyone the power to be able to control you. You have the power to do whatever you want to do and make sure that you take life as that."
"You have the power to do whatever you want to do and make sure that you take life as that."
With each leap of faith, Simmons continues to leave a legacy that will be spoken about for generations to come. Even if that road comes with a level of uncertainty. "There were a lot of periods where things weren't happening, and it's realizing that everything isn't going to happen instantaneously," she says. "I look back at my story as inspiration for me on a daily basis when things aren't going the right way, just realizing it's going to happen the way that it's supposed to happen. Even if that doesn't align with my time, you know?"
As the saying goes, well-behaved women seldom make history. And this story— her story— is one for the books and the big screen.
For more of Lauren, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image by Ida John; all images courtesy of Lauren Simmons
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And that is why I decided to put emphasis on the word “late” for today’s topic. Because if you and someone break up and they approach you, well after the fact, with an “I’m sorry,” if you struggle with whether or not to accept it due to the timing of it all, you should definitely ponder that a bit.
And as you’re doing so, it might help to read a bit deeper into what an apology should look and live like, even from an ex, regardless of when it shows up.
Your “late.” Or his right on time.
Three Things That a True Apology Consists Of
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that when you work as a therapist/counselor/coach, a lot of people never really see you as human — and this can include your close relationships. What I mean by that is, it’s almost like they expect you to be free on-call therapy to the point where they “forget” to actually check on you sometimes.
Such is the case with one of my longest-running friendships. Even during the weeks between losing my mother and losing $4K (SMDH), she would just keep calling me to vent about her marriage. I finally got so fed up that I brought it to her attention that for the past couple of years, that is exactly what our friendship has been like: her venting, me listening without her being very invested in my life at all. In response, she texted me an apology — and boy, was it beautiful.
I’m not going to share the details of what she said; however, I am going to tell you three things that it consisted of because it’s what I believe ALL APOLOGIES should entail.
1. She took full ownership for what she believed that she did. I framed this point in this way because, something that everyone needs to forever keep in mind is the fact that two people start and, to a large extent, end relationships — and what I mean by that is, it’s never like one person was perfect and the other was the villain. That said, though, when someone is making an apology to another individual, they are going to own their part and articulate what that part is. It’s not gonna be a simple “My bad.”
It’s going to be “I am really sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” or “I apologize for taking you for granted” — something that sounds like they get the “offense” that transpired. By doing this, they recognize their missteps — and that is what puts people on the road to not repeating them.
2. She did not deflect or gaslight me. You know what one of the worst apologies are: It’s when someone says they are sorry and then follows it up with, “But you do it too” or “If you hadn’t done ‘A’, I wouldn’t have done ‘B.'” Justifying your actions is a surefire way to make someone believe that you don’t really think that you did something wrong (or that bad) in the first place. And really, how can they trust you (again) if that is how you feel? Oh, and don’t get me on gaslighting.
Ugh, ain’t nothing like someone claiming that they want to set things right with you, only to act like they don’t really get where you are coming from with the issues y’all were having in the first place. A good gaslight line in an apology: “If that is what you think happened, I apologize.” Yeah, you can keep that, jack. Never accept this kind of apology — because it isn’t one.
3. She addressed why she needed to make the apology in the first place. Wanna know one of the main reasons why I don’t trust people who don’t believe in having regrets (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”)? Did you know that apology means “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.” How, as a human, do you think that you are out here not making any mistakes or poor decisions that you sometimes need to APOLOGIZE for? That is just…insane.
And one of the reasons why apologies are important is because if you feel bad about “failing” someone, it’s usually because you value them enough to want to keep them around. And yes, in my friend’s apology, she also explained why she didn’t want me to feel hurt in the way that she had hurt my feelings and what she would do to prevent that from happening in the first place.
So y’all, with all of this out of the way, before getting deeper into this topic? If an ex is hitting you up to apologize to you for something, please make sure that he hits all three marks of a true apology.
Now let’s keep going.
A Genuine Apology Should Also Include an Amends
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made.” You know how I mentioned a second ago that a solid apology has no gaslighting in it? Hmph. Ain’t it wild how someone can do something that hurts or harms you and yet, they want you to just “hurry up and get over it”? GASLIGHTING.
Someone in my family, after unpacking years of abuse that I experienced at their hand, they had the nerve to say, “I’m not going to keep apologizing to you for this.” Hmm…Okay. So, how about you let me give you a consistent three months’ worth of the years of mistreatment that I experienced from you and then flippantly throw an apology your way. Let’s see how you feel about it. How much you believe that I am being genuine and sincere.
Listen — and please hear me GOOD on this: when someone really gets the magnitude of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience that they caused, they aren’t going to be fine with just saying that they are sorry for it; they are going to ask you what they can do to set things right.
It’s actually a part of the reason why I named the four children who I aborted (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”) because I do have some real remorse for those decisions. Each of their names have an intentional meaning and I strive to leave out their purpose, through those names, on a daily basis. It’s a small way of making amends.
You know, back when my first book came out, my first love reached out, via email, to send me an apology. The apology hit most of the points that I mentioned earlier. Looking back, there wasn’t an offer to make an amends, though, and trust me, there was A LOT to make up for.
At the end of the day, amends means “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense” and while none of us should use bitterness, resentment or emotional stagnation as the “bar” for which we should expect amends to be made, if you’re trying to figure out just how sincere an ex is with their apology, if they want to do something to make things better, that’s a good sign.
There is a caveat, though.
Discern the Motives. Always.
GiphyEarlier this summer, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What's Your Motive For Sex? (It Reveals A Lot. Trust Me.)” Then, a few weeks ago, I wrote another article entitled, “As Cuffing Season Steadily Approaches, What The Heck Is 'Winter Coating'?” and boy, when I tell you that both of these complement this point really well? Goodness.
If you’ve never heard of the dating trend known as winter coating before, it’s basically when an ex creeps back up around cuffing season — and if you know what cuffing season is all about, you can absolutely connect the very probable motives behind those dots.
Now can there be exceptions? There are ALWAYS exceptions. Still, if you haven’t heard from your ex in years and here he comes a couple of weeks before Christmas, unless the two of you got together or broke up around the holidays, stay on potential “winter coating alert,” because it might not be about “building bridges” so much as getting into your bedroom.
That said, if it’s been a minute (six months or more) since you’ve heard from an ex and he suddenly reaches out to apologize, absolutely take out a moment to discern the motive — and shoot, feel fine with even asking what is causing him to make the move…now. If it’s in the spirit of the holidays and wanting to go into a new year with a clean slate, got it. If it’s because he’s been in therapy and realizes that he didn’t end certain things in his past very well, understood. If it’s because he didn’t like how the two of you broke up and he wants to try and make peace, that’s fair.
On the other hand, if you sense that he wants to rekindle something (check out “Nelly And Ashanti Are Giving It Another Shot? Here's What You Should Know About 'Ex Reconciliation'” and “I'm Thrilled That Ryan Destiny & Keith Powers Are Back Together. 5 Things Before Reuniting With Your Ex, Tho.” and “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”) — although that’s kind of another article for another time, do check that motive.
When someone apologizes, you should really be the only focus for them; not what they can get out of it on the back end. Listen, even if he hopes to get back with you (or back in bed with you), that shouldn’t be something that is discussed during the apology. If it is said or even implied, something about HIS MOTIVE is disingenuous. And if that is indeed the case, to a valid extent, so is he.
We All Should Give the Grace and Mercy That We Desire
GiphySooner than later, I’m going to write an article about forgiveness (beyond what I already have here). For now I’ll just say that if you are someone who thinks that other people don’t deserve forgiveness? That is either your pain or your ego talking and, either way, you can’t trust “their” judgment.
All of us mess up sometimes and if you are a karma (or you reap what you sow) believer, then you absolutely should want to extend others grace and mercy so that you can receive it in your own time of need (and you are absolutely delusional if you think a time won’t come, sooner than you probably think, that you will need it).
Besides, do you know all of the self-inflicted drama and trauma that comes from NOT forgiving others: higher blood pressure, insomnia, stress, anxiety, the higher risk of a heart attack, a weakened immunity, a greater risk for depression and anxiety — whatever he did, is it really worth all of this? Yeah, while a lot of people think that weaponizing forgiveness is empowering, really all it’s doing is putting themselves in harm’s way. Physically. Emotionally. SPIRITUALLY: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — NKJV)
By the way, no one is saying that forgiving that man means that you have to allow him back into your life. After all, access is a privilege. Yet if he comes to you and acknowledges that he feels sorry for some things, for the sake of your own sanity, why not let him express it? Don’t wanna meet up or talk on the phone? Understood. Email and/or text are there for the taking. Don’t want to go back and forth? Who said that it needs to be a discussion or a debate?
All I know is, the more time you spend on this planet, the more you want to put out the energy that you want to come back. Forgiving others tends to make life easier. Not forgiving? Oh, the way that it boomerangs, sometimes in ways you never saw coming, chile. Dodge that kind of experience (and typically hard life lesson) if you can.
Yes, Better Late than Never
GiphyToo late to apologize. Yeah, I don’t really know if there is such a thing (because forgiving and reconciling are not one in the same and some of y’all will catch that later). I’ll wrap this up with a story to prove my point.
Once upon a time, I knew a woman who was in a serious relationship and yet, whenever her boyfriend would bring up the possibility of marriage, she would stall him out. When I finally asked her what her deal was, she explained that she still harbored so much pain from the man before him that she didn’t fully trust that he was the real deal. About five months later, here came her ex with a thorough explanation for why he made some of the decisions that he did while they were together. Now that she had the full story, she was able to heal. She got married to her boyfriend that following year.
You see where I am going with this? Although your ex’s apology might be “late” as far as y’all’s relationship timeline, the timing may be BRILLIANT when it comes to true when and why you actually need it. Yeah, a Scripture that I adore is “Timing is the Father’s business” (Acts 1:7 — Message) and sometimes those apologies, in the grand scheme of things, are more on time than you could ever imagine; they’re when God deems you need them not when you want to have them.
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It is Oprah Winfrey who once said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience” and sis, if you remove the bitterness and anger and look deeper, there were valuable lessons, even in and from the most challenging relationships. And that is worth appreciating through forgiveness and, if need be, full and complete release.
Bottom line, should you accept an ex’s late apology? Absolutely.
What better way to illuminate your present on a whole ‘nother level.
Just as forgiveness always does.
TRUST ME.
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