Sevyn Streeter's voice filled my living room through my laptop speakers as she joined the conference call for our interview. Like her smooth and sultry vocals, Sevyn speaks warmly and with the familiar comfort of an old friend.
"Happy New Year! What's going on with you?" she asked me casually from her hometown in Haines City, Florida where she was enjoying the last days of the holiday season with her family.
Despite an impressive musical resume that includes songwriting credits for pop and R&B chart-toppers like Chris Brown, Ariana Grande, and Alicia Keys, a repertoire of radio hits in her own discography, and a quiet but undeniable sex appeal to complement her fiery R&B tracks, Streeter is no diva. The songstress has an inviting, down-to-earth demeanor and an endearing personality that makes it impossible not to like her.
That, by no means, makes her a pushover, and she certainly doesn't take any crap.
She proves that with her latest release, "Whatchusay", a sharp-tongued takedown of an ex-lover who takes her support and love for granted. In the visual, which has amassed nearly 1.5 million views since its release in November 2019, Sevyn confronts her lover in between Aaliyah- and Janet Jackson-inspired dance sequences and flashbacks to tender moments.
Sevyn notes that the song and video represent her growth as a woman and an artist who has learned to be unapologetic in her truth.
"I don't feel the need to bite my tongue. I don't feel the need to seek approval at all. I'm not in a space where I get hung up on things I used to in the past. Whatever I do with my art, whatever space I'm in, it's gonna be truthful to how I feel and where I am. Listen," Streeter added with calm confidence, "I am a Cancer, and I am an artist, and I'm emotional, and I'm sensitive, and I'm very in tune with how I feel. This period in my life, it's gonna be what you see is what you get."
Courtesy of the artist
"I am a Cancer, and I am an artist, and I'm emotional, and I'm sensitive, and I'm very in tune with how I feel. This period in my life, it's gonna be what you see is what you get."
As we spoke, I could hear Sevyn flipping through the pages of her notebook. She told me she was looking for a thought she'd scribbled down a few days prior. I waited as she searched. She apologized for the delay, but when she finally found it, I was happy she'd taken the time to look.
"'Don't abandon yourself to make others comfortable,'" she read out loud from her notes.
It was a simple phrase but a profound reminder to those of us who get stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing.
"There's no need to abandon your own thoughts and feelings and ideas just so that someone can sit there comfortably, and at the end of the day, you're left holding all this stuff that wears and tears on you in so many different ways. I'm never nasty or rude. It just means I want to get a good night's rest like everybody else. It's growth, and it's beautiful, and it feels really fucking good," she declared.
Honesty and growth were recurring themes in our conversation, and are at the foundation of Sevyn's upcoming album, Drunken Words, Sober Thoughts, which is on track to be released this year. The album's title is a play on the adage that says, "Drunken words speak sober thoughts," as we often find the courage to say our innermost feelings under the influence of a drink or two.
The title also hints at a part of Sevyn's creative process—a gathering of her guy friends and girlfriends in the studio with a few drinks on hand to get the conversation flowing. For Sevyn, who prefers for her songs to reflect real-life experiences, whether they're her own or those of the people around her, these studio chats are great songwriting material.
Courtesy of the artist
"When we get in a room and guys and girls get to talking, we might pour up a little something. When that happens, it makes for very truthful conversation, to say the least. We may talk about love and relationships. We may talk about cheating," Sevyn said.
Sevyn hopes that the songs these conversations inspired might help to break down some of the barriers between men and women, and she's being very intentional about writing songs that will speak to anyone, regardless of gender.
"It may hurt a couple people's feelings. It may inspire people. Just know it's gonna speak to any and everybody who has these emotions day in and day out, how we all deal with life, love, and relationships," she said.
But while Sevyn is eager to please her fans with her new album and deliver on the familiar themes of love and relationships she's covered in hits like "It Won't Stop", "Before I Do", and "B.A.N.S.", she explained that this album is also about honoring her journey in music and life and exploring other kinds of relationships as well.
"I feel like I owe it to myself to just dig a little deeper and bring my musical self up to speed with where my spiritual self is. Writing a record people will like is like a science for me. I know what melodies, hooks and beats work, but it's deeper than that for me now. I gotta make sure I do right by who I am and where I am now," Sevyn said.
Part of doing right by herself has been making sure she balances writing songs for other artists and creating for herself. It's a familiar juggling act for many women trying to pour into others in their professional and personal lives without leaving themselves empty. Sevyn strikes the balance with 'artist dates', a concept she borrowed from the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.
Sevyn periodically drives herself down to the California coast from her Woodland Hills home and sets up on the beach with a bottle of wine, a good book, a notepad, and an umbrella. She'll spend hours reading, writing, and simply allowing herself space to be with and pour into herself.
"At the beginning of my career," she confessed, "I would sacrifice my own self and my own creativity for other people, and a lot of days, it just left me frustrated."
Courtesy of the artist
"At the beginning of my career, I would sacrifice my own self and my own creativity for other people, and a lot of days, it just left me frustrated."
Today, she ensures she makes the time to separate which parts of herself and her work are strictly her own, and she encourages us all to do the same. "Even if it's just 30 minutes, 45 minutes, an hour. Find something that works for you. Find that time for yourself. Because, at the end of the day, you're not gonna be any good for anybody else if you don't allow yourself to be in a good space," she cautioned.
Sevyn also warns us to be careful of overworking to the point of burnout. A go-getter who often spends long hours in the studio and driving home under the rising sun, she has worked herself to exhaustion trying to push past creative blocks. She's found that walking away and immersing herself in things she loves, like sermons and solo movie and dinner outings, are the recharge she needs to get unstuck.
"When I get burnt out, I stop. I'll do everything outside of the thing I just rammed my head against the wall on for days and days. And I come back laughing at myself like, 'Bitch, see. All you needed to do was to walk away for a second,'" she said with a laugh.
If Sevyn experiences any burnout during the production of Drunken Words, Sober Thoughts, it won't be because she's rushing. She's taking her time with this one, determined to give people music that's worth the wait.
While her album is in the works, Sevyn promises that her fans will be getting to know her more intimately this year. In addition to the album, her team is sorting out tour details, and she's also working with Anthony Anderson on a reality show about balancing her life as an LA-dwelling R&B star and a small-town Florida girl.
"It's insane," she said, "How I balance the two, God only knows. But it's going to be absolutely hilarious, and I'm looking forward to my fans learning that side of me."
Challenging as it may be, Sevyn makes balancing it all—the small town roots, the big city life, the writing behind the scenes, and the crooning in the spotlight—look easy, but her vulnerability and candidness reveal a comforting and universal truth: we're growing as we go and finding ourselves along the way, and that's just fine.
For more of Sevyn, follow her on Instagram.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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