U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight
Orgasms are climaxes and climaxes are the ultimate. So, hell yeah, I'm gonna write about them, just as much as I possibly can (for example, check out "10 Hacks To Help You Climax More Consistently", "10 Weird & Random Things That Can Prevent An Orgasm" and "What Is A Super Orgasm & How Can I Have One?"). Today, what we're gonna explore is the kind of orgasms that you can have that don't get nearly as much attention as they probably deserve. What I personally think is so cool about them is they are a clear reminder that there simply isn't just one way to cum and if you're open to discovering some other avenues, you might be able to see the mountaintop—you know, so to speak—a whole lot more often than you currently do. And who doesn't want to do that? Let's check out six "uncommon" orgasms, shall we?
1. How to Have a U-Spot Orgasm
So, what in the world is a U-spot orgasm? It's all about stimulating your urethra which is about gently touching the area that's around and above the opening of your urethra. If you're looking like, "Uh, OK but where exactly is my urethra?", it's an internal part of our body (a tube) that is located between your clitoris and vaginal opening.
Externally, the opening of your urethra is underneath your clitoris and above your vagina. It's literally the hole that you pee out of. When this tiny area is very lightly caressed with a finger or tongue—listen, there are absolutely no words to adequately describe how sensational it feels. There really aren't.
2. How to Have an A-Spot Orgasm
OK. This is the kind of orgasm that I already know some of you are gonna wanna throw one of your shoes at the monitor about because it's like a calculus-level one. However, since I can't think of too many things that are more fun than trying to achieve the Big O, it had to go on the list. An A-spot orgasm is what happens when the tissue that is located at the end of your vaginal canal, between your cervix and bladder is stimulated.
The way you find this lil' spot is you or your partner moves your finger about two inches deeper past your G-spot and—there it is. How do you know if you've reached it? Well, remember how the G-spot feels like a tiny walnut? Well, the A-spot feels really soft and spongy. If a finger moves along it gently in the motion of how a windshield wiper moves, you can end up with an orgasm that will blow your mind in every way.
3. How to Have a Kissing Orgasm
A part of the reason why I wrote the article, "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?" for this platform is because I enjoy kissing so much that those kinds of people seemed like polka-dotted unicorns to me. I'm serious—kissing is so pleasurable to me that I've even had an orgasm from doing it, a few times, before. TMI? IDC. IDC. If I had my way, everyone on this planet would experience at least one before leaving this earth!
While there is no real instruction when it comes to this particular kind of orgasm (which is also known as an oral orgasm), what most people who've had one will say is 1) it's easy to achieve with someone you have a strong emotional connection with; 2) it involves slow, intense and erotic kisses, and 3) the "goal" shouldn't be to have one. All you need to keep in the back of your mind is, if kissing happens long enough and the mood is just right (atmosphere means a lot with these orgasms too), a kissing orgasm can transpire when you least expect it. (I can certainly vouch for that!)
4. How to Have a Nipple Orgasm
A nipple orgasm is pretty self-explanatory. The reason why this is on the list is because, while it can be difficult for many women to have a vaginal orgasm (roughly only 25 percent of women do), if your breasts are a huge erogenous zone for you, this is one that you may want to try because it is very possible to climax, just from nipple stimulation alone. The way to achieve one of these is to deep breathe, slowly, as your partner first strokes your areolas (the dark part of your breast that is around your nipple), then works up to your nipples by stroking and then very gently pinches them. If he alternates the sensation of pinching and kissing them as you focus on your breathing, there is a really big chance that you'll have a nipple orgasm. Maybe even a few of 'em.
5. How to Have a Fantasy Orgasm
They say that the brain is the biggest sex organ there is and I would have to absolutely agree. Case in point—there is one guy who I used to sleep with who I semi-recently ran into. When he winked at me, I literally thought I was gonna throw up in my mouth. That's how disgusting he is to me—now. That's why it doesn't surprise me at all that there is something known as a fantasy orgasm which is also known as a mental orgasm. So, what is that? It's when you are able to climax, strictly from your own thoughts. If you're skeptical about this one, there is scientific evidence which reveals that thinking "dirty" thoughts actually causes your brain to light up in the same way as having your genitals stimulated. So, how can you refute having this type of orgasm unless you try it out first? (Get to fantasizing and definitely report back!)
6. How to Have a Hands-Free Orgasm
If any of these orgasms are a real challenge (at least to me), this one would probably top the list. A hands-free orgasm? It's exactly what it sounds like—it's the kind of orgasm that you try and achieve without using your hands at all? AT. ALL. Technically, oral sex could achieve this goal (I'm thinking that it would be pretty hard to engage in intercourse without using your hands). Still, try and think out of the box by engaging in some water play (showerhead, anyone?), tantric breathing or grinding on your partner while dancing to some of your favorite music.
When you really let your imagination go, there are all kinds of ways to experience this type of orgasm. Again, just remember that it doesn't count if your hands are involved in any way.
7. How to Have an Energy Orgasm
Speaking of tantric breathing, another orgasm that can be a cool experience is an energy orgasm. It's all about focusing on breathing, sound and movement (pretty much in that order) in order to climax. The thing that's interesting about this kind of orgasm is you've got to find the balance between totally freeing your mind of other thoughts while also fully focusing on cultivating sexual energy. Do this by dimming the lights in the room you plan to have your orgasm in; lighting a candle or applying a scent that you want to breathe in deeply; getting into a position where you can comfortably have an orgasm; taking some long deep breaths, and having your partner gently caress your genitalia as you're breathing deeply and swaying your hips back and forth so that your spine is able to feel a bit of a sensation. Then, as you feel more aroused, speed up your breathing as well as your hip movements as your partner intensifies his strokes. If all of this happens at just the right time, an energy orgasm is exactly what will happen. No penetration needed.
8. How to Have a Full Body Orgasm
Let's all be honest—whenever an orgasm happens, it feels like it resonates throughout our entire body on some level. Well, a full body orgasm is pretty much a more intense version of this. The best way to achieve one is to engage in the act of edging (which is when you get sexually aroused to the point of climaxing, but you don't allow yourself to completely get there). In between those times, have your partner focus on stimulating the upper half part of your body that has erogenous zones (meaning it could be your breasts or it could be your ears or neck; the point is whatever turns you on above your pelvis).
While he is consistently alternating between doing those two things, you focus on breathing deeply and totally letting yourself go. If that means saying the dirtiest words created or yelling, it doesn't matter. A full body orgasm requires consistent stimulation on your partner's part and total release of self on yours. And how will you know if you've had one? Let me put it to you this way—I don't think ANYTHING makes someone feel more pleasured, exhausted and totally outside of themselves as a full body orgasm. If it happens, you'll know. You'll both know.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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