I don’t have any children (although I could have; click here for the backstory on that). Still, what God has blessed me with is two godchildren who I take very seriously (even took out life insurance policies just for them) and a bevy of love nieces and nephews (love is what I say when they aren’t blood relatives). And when it comes to my nieces, in particular, now that most of them are teenagers (or older), if there is one thing that I am a broken record about…it’s telling them how a bad girlfriend (platonic one) can be so much more damaging than a bad boyfriend. And I will forever die on that hill.
My first and third books get into how some poor decisions of female friends impacted — and in some ways damn near destroyed — my life. And honestly, I think that is a part of the reason why the article, “The Trouble with Lived Experience: When Peer Support Compounds Trauma by Denying Abuse,” that I recently checked out resonated with me so. Still, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t had some pure gems when it comes to relationships with women too.
In fact, I’m currently going through something life-shifting (that I will share sooner than later that is non-health related; I am fine) that has caused my friend circle — male and female — to rise up in some really extraordinary ways. Indeed, the right friends can be an invaluable blessing. Oh, but those wrong ones? Hell on earth, chile, and as philosopher Thomas Hobbes once said, “Hell is truth seen too late.”
Think I’m exaggerating? Oh, there is actual scientific data available that totally backs me up, and below, I’ve got 10 (mostly) health-related ways that a good female friend can do wonders for you, while a not-so-good one could be doing more harm to your life than you would ever imagine.
1. Healthy Female Friendships Benefit Your Overall Physical Health
GiphySometimes, even we introverts and ambiverts need to be reminded that we weren’t created to be islands. In fact, having a solid support system can do wonders for your physical health — and that’s just for starters. There is research out here that says good female friendships can lower depression and anxiety risks (and symptoms), strengthen your heart, boost your immunity and they can also make it easier to go through various life transitions including motherhood and menopause.
2. Healthy Female Friendships Reduce Stress
GiphyAlthough there is data to support the fact that healthy relationships reduce stress overall, I once read an article that brought up an interesting point as it relates to female friendships, in particular: that conversations that are had between women tend to impact both individuals for long periods of time. This means that if the exchanges are good, they also play a role in de-stressing women long-term.
Plus, healthy friendships with women can also prevent cortisol (the stress hormone in your body) levels from going off the charts so that you are less susceptible to weight gain, high blood pressure and blood sugar levels and muscle weakness.
3. Healthy Female Friendships Provide an Oxytocin Boost
GiphyTypically, when I talk about oxytocin on this platform, it’s in reference to sex. However, it’s important to put (and keep) on record that oxytocin is considered to be a bonding hormone, period. And so yes, when you spend quality time with your female friends, that actually causes your oxytocin levels to uptick which strengthens the bond between you and your girls while also improving your mental health and making it easier for you to relax too.
4. Healthy Female Friendships Increase Longevity
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GiphyNow that I have way more time behind me than what’s apparently before me, it is a sobering thought that the current average life span for men is 70 while for women it is 75. Hmph, I don’t know about you but, to me, that means that I need to be even more hypervigilant than ever about taking care of my health — mind, body and spirit. And yes, good female friendships can help with that.
When you get a chance, check out Forbes’s “Hanging With Your Girlfriends Helps You Live Longer And Happier” and Oprah Daily’s “Female Friendships Are the Unsung Secret to Longevity.” I mean, if you’re less stressed in life and you know that your girlfriends have something to do with it, this point already tracks. And who doesn’t want to add on a few more years past 70? Yeah, exactly.
5. Successful Female Friendships (Apparently) Need Three S’s
GiphyWhile I was in the process of doing a bit of research for this article, I happened upon a feature that CNN did about this time last year on a sistah author by the name of Danielle Bayard Jackson. She published a book entitled, Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships.
One of the things that she believes is that in order for female friendships to thrive, it needs three “s” things: (emotional) support, symmetry (meaning reciprocity) and secrecy (in the sense of knowing that they are a safe space to share various parts of yourself).
And when I really stop to think about what she’s saying, I honestly don’t know how any friendship can be considered healthy if all three of these things don’t operate as a trinity. Do you?
6. Unhealthy Female Friendships Can Cause Bodily Inflammation
GiphyOkay so, just like healthy friendships can impact you in one way, unhealthy ones can affect you in another. And boy, when you have a toxic female friend in your life? Whew, chile. That’s a part of the reason why I’ve written articles for the platform like, “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “Why Friendships Should Come With Deal-Breakers Too,” “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” and “5 Signs Your Closest Friends Are The Most Envious Of You” — it’s because it can be semi-easy to let some relational ish slide because you don’t realize that what is transpiring between you and a “friend” is far more destructive than you might’ve (initially) thought.
Like this: Did you know that unhealthy female friendships can increase inflammation in your body? That’s because toxic relationships are full of stress and stress is a leading cause of inflammation. And since inflammation can lead to things like moodiness, weight gain, fatigue, joint pain, heart disease, certain cancers and autoimmune issues like lupus and arthritis — please don’t tell me that you think that any friendship is worth going through all of that. Good lord.
7. Unhealthy Female Friendships Can Cause Psychological Damage
GiphyWhat are some of the signs of psychological damage or trauma? Nightmares. Depression. Constantly experiencing bouts of shame and/or guilt. Edginess. Exhaustion. And yes, a toxic friendship can lead to these things also. I’m not exaggerating either because, there is research which states that if you are constantly in conflict with a friend, they are dishonoring or are dismissive of your boundaries and needs and/or they take more than they give, that can start to take a real toll — one that may need some serious therapy to fully recover from.
Y’all, my first childhood friend was pure evil — all the way into my 20s. I’m telling you, if you are a parent of a girl, really pay attention to her female circle and be very intentional about making sure that it’s a positive one until she is mature and self-aware enough to do it for herself. Trying to heal from the nonsense of a toxic female friend? Those of us who have successfully done it deserve a trophy, plus, a free vacation.
8. Some Female Friendships Are Nothing More than Trauma Bonds
GiphyOne of the most unhealthy female friendships that I’ve ever had (and boy, have I had some doozies) is a woman who my mother said, “All you two do is throw-up on each other and eat it up.” A gross analogy, I know. It doesn’t make her any less off-the-mark, though. At the end of the day, what bonded us more than anything was shared trauma — and you need more than that for something to flourish and be mutually beneficial.
That’s why, when I read Vice’s article, “Your Female Friendships Might Be Ruining Your Life” and especially the line, “If the closeness of your friendship is dependent on shared pain, there’s also the danger that you might start manufacturing that pain to keep the relationship going” — it really hit home. A good friend will help you to get through painful experiences; not keep you stagnant in them. Words to live by.
9. Your Mom and Sisters May Significantly Influence Your Female Friendships
GiphyAbout five years ago, Psychology Today published an article entitled, “Unloved Daughters and the Elusive Nature of Friendship.” It particularly caught my attention because, as more data is coming out about adults who are choosing to be estranged from their parents/family members (read more here, here, here, here and here), I realized that it’s about about the fact that if your relationship with your mom and/or sisters was less than stellar, you may repeat the cycle with your female friendships.
Listen, I feel like not a day goes by when I’m not out here saying that you’ve got to remember not to put familiar over what is right. If some of your female friendships feel redundant in a counterproductive way — reflect on your relationship with your mother and/or sisters. You might be surprised by how some dots start to immediately connect.
10. The End of a (Female) Friendship Can Be Worse than a Divorce
GiphyIn the article, “What Science Reveals About Female Friendship,” I found this part to be interesting:
“For instance, in many traditional societies throughout history, once a woman found a mate or husband, she typically left her family group and went to live with him and his family. Because women had to live with and get along with strangers, they invested in fewer relationships and had smaller social groups. Yet they devoted themselves highly to these friends so that they could enjoy a more secure social network while living with their mate's family.
The unique ways that women communicate today, such as talking about their intimate lives and crying in front of their friends, are a result of these smaller friend networks. By disclosing vulnerable information to their close friends, they’re able to build trust — and they're better able to hold on to this smaller circle of friends.
As a result, women’s friendships tend to be more intense than men’s — but also more fragile. Since it’s so important for women to rely on each other, they don’t tolerate breaches of trust well, and little things that may seem trivial, such as not turning up when you’re invited somewhere, can tip things over the edge.”
You know, a part of the reason why I once wrote, “I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend,” “Lost Some Friends Lately? Welp. Has It Been Seven Years?” “How To Heal From A Broken Friendship” and even “12 Women Told Me 'The Final Straw' With Their Former Besties” is because I get the fact that few things are more devastating than the end of a true friendship (or one that you thought was). And the article that I just referenced perhaps sheds some real light as to why that is the case.
Yeah, y’all don’t get me started on the fact that one reason why the end of a female friendship may feel worse than a divorce is because some people are more invested in their friendships than their marriage (ouch). Still, it also rings true that oftentimes, we don’t even stop to consider that our friendships could end. And so, if/when they do…heart-wrenching, indeed, it is.
And that is why a lot of content says that a friendship break-up can feel like a divorce — worse even. So, if you are going through a friendship break-up in real time and you’re wondering if what you’re feeling is ridiculous or dramatic — eh, probably not. Our emotions process friendships as being built to last; when they crumble, it can be hard to put our heart pieces back together again.
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I enjoy writing on friendships because all of us have at least one close friend. This one, I thought was important to share because we all should really take our health and well-being very seriously and literally. And, as you can see, friendship influences you, on a holistic level, in some very real ways.
As you prepare to close out on this, ponder what a good female friendship does and really take in what an unhealthy one can do to you too.
If you’ve got some real decisions to make, don’t wait.
Your mind, body and spirit need you to choose very wisely. Science says so.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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