6 Signs You Love A Man (Who Doesn't Love Himself)
I've been in the relationship game for a long time now. If I'm not going through my own stuff, I'm coaching someone else or I'm writing about matters of the heart.
Through my years of experience and observation, there's one thing I'm certain about—in spite of all of the information that's offered on relationships and even self-love, if there's one thing that we don't see nearly enough intel on, it's what to do if you love someone who doesn't happen to love themselves (very much).
What made me do research on this topic is, I used to be that girl. When it comes to loving a man who doesn't love himself, although I am not a woman who refers to men as "dogs," the best way to illustrate where I'm coming from is dealing with a stray canine.
Have you ever seen one walking along the side of the road looking beaten, hungry and worn? You feel so sorry for it that you want to help in some way, but when you reach out to feed or even pet it, it goes on the attack?
It's not that it's a "bad dog." It's that it's so damaged and has been used to suffering on its own for so long, it doesn't know how to react to well-intentioned treatment. Sadly, neglect and mistreatment are what it's used to. This is what loving someone who doesn't love themselves is like. And, I used to do it…a lot.
What broke my pattern?
First, it was revisiting one of my favorite definitions of love; the Love Chapter that's in the Bible (I Corinthians 13). When someone loves anything or anyone, including themselves, they are patient and kind. They are not rude, jealous, or easily provoked. They love truth, they are optimistic and as far as failure goes, it's simply not an option.
Keeping that in mind, when two people are in a healthy and loving relationship, they will mutually express love in this same fashion. They are patient and kind with each other because they are first patient and kind with themselves. They aren't easily provoked and they don't fail each other because first they are even-tempered and committed to doing what's best for themselves.
It took me years (almost times infinity) to get to the point and place of really understanding and embracing this. Now that I've learned how to love myself, it's easier to detect how—and why—I fell for some men who didn't love themselves very much, even as they were in the midst of claiming to love me. What are some of the telling signs a man doesn't love himself?
6 Signs Your Man Doesn't Love Himself
1.He Wants You to Be a Fan More Than a True Friend.
Recently, I was sharing with someone that the more you love yourself, the more you want to become the best you that you can be. This includes being open to receiving advice and even constructive criticism that will help you grow. It also includes being aware of your weaknesses and doing what's required to strengthen them. Self-love knows that self-awareness leads to self-improvement; it's willing to do whatever it takes to evolve, even if it's challenging, at times.
People who don't love themselves? They are so insecure that their definition of love is receiving constant affirmations and compliments. In fact, the moment you bring up something about them that they don't want to hear, they take it as you displaying a lack of love rather than you doing what you can to help them to win.
Bottom line, a man who doesn't love himself isn't looking for a lover who's a true friend. They'd much rather you be their fan (or is it groupie?); they want you to be someone who is constantly enamored with them—even if that means overlooking things they are doing that are unhealthy, immature, counterproductive, or all of the above.
2.He Has Absolutely No Problem Wasting Time.
One of my favorite quotes by author M. Scott Peck is, "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it."
A man who doesn't love himself tends to make decisions "in the moment". Meaning, he doesn't really think—or even care really—about how what he says and does will impact his future. So long as he's having fun or it's scratching some sort of immediate itch, it's all good.
And since he doesn't care very much about his own future, he's not too pressed about yours. He will pull you into his randomness and recklessness because time is not a factor. Consequences rarely are either.
3.He’s Down for Sex but Hates Intimacy.
One of the most intimate relationships I've ever had, we never even kissed. What's interesting is that he propositioned me many times over the years and I know many women he's been with. To him, his "hit list" wasn't that big of a deal. Oh, but get that guy to talk about some innermost fears or desires and suddenly he was all kinds of uncomfortable. He can get physically naked, but emotionally? Not so much. To me, that revealed a lot.
When a man truly loves himself, he doesn't just want to share his anatomy. He wants to give all of himself and he expects the same in return.
When a man doesn't, he settles for sex-only situations because he's too afraid to let someone into his heart so that he can have a multi-dimensional and lasting relationship.
4.You Can Never Do Too Much—And He Can Never Do Too Little.
One of the reasons why a healthy relationship consists of a whole man and a whole woman is because they are giving to one another out of their abundance, not what they lack.
Unfortunately, a lot of us miss this important fact. Instead, we end up being severely malnourished (especially emotionally) because rather than looking for someone to complement us, we are in a desperate search for someone who will fill our voids.
Not loving yourself? That's one of the greatest voids there is. If you decide to love a man who is already empty in this area, the more you give in in order to satisfy him, the more he will take…and take…and take. What's worse is because he doesn't have much love for himself, he won't have much—if any of it all—to give to you either.
He'll take a lot—and give little. Constantly.
5.He Doesn’t Deal with His Past.
People don't come out of the womb not knowing how to love themselves. A low self-image was either modeled to them or there was damage in their past that broke them somehow. A close-to-home example is a man I once deeply loved who was severely-wounded due to quite a bit of childhood abuse that he experienced.
Whenever I tried to get him to talk about it, he'd dismissively say, "I don't live in the past." Oh, but based on his commitment-phobia, erratic temper, and the extreme co-dependency that he displayed when it came to his grown family members who always wanted him to take care of them – I think the past was exactly where he dwelled.
Since he wouldn't go to therapy (although several of us recommended it), he remained constantly in his toxic patterns. He also seemed pretty emotionally stunted. Watching him suffer in that way taught me that when a man loves himself, he is proactive about his healing. When he's not, as Iyanla Vanzant would put it, he'll fight you – and anyone else who tries to help him out – for it. So much that if he has to remain stuck in the past to the point where he can't build a future with someone else, so be it.
6.He Wants to Look Good More Than BE GOOD.
This one is HUGE. I recently watched a pretty insightful video from a self-love coach on make-up. She wasn't against wearing it, but her perspective was: It isn't something we should be so dependent on that we can't show our true selves. We shouldn't hide behind the mask of cosmetics.
Guys may not wear Maybelline, but some "hide" behind their looks, their physique, their charm—even their platform. So long as their IG gives off the appearance that they are living their best life, they are OK with being emotionally erratic, having toxic patterns, and breaking hearts left and right offline. As long as their appearance is on point, their character is not that big of a deal.
A man who loves himself is too busy being a good person to be posting selfies every day. He's focused on treating one woman right instead of being out here running through randoms. He wants to treat people right rather than charm the pants off of them.
A man who doesn't…does the opposite.
Am I saying that you shouldn't love a man who doesn't love himself? It's more like, if you decide to take something like that on, you shouldn't expect to be in a healthy relationship with that kind of individual. I'll take it further and recommend just being friends until they do some serious self-work.
Why? You wouldn't expect grape juice from an orange, would you? Along those lines, you're only playin' yourself if you expect someone to give you what they don't have. In order for a man to give you healthy love, he needs to love himself in a healthy way first.
Love yourself enough that if you recognize any of the signs that I just shared that you don't ignore them.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images