What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?
This is one of those times when, if you've got the time, I'd actually prefer for you to read two other articles (from the site) first. One is entitled "These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom". The other (if you plan on getting married someday) is "Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him". The reason why I'm making this recommendation is this—while in theory, I think we all know that sexual compatibility is important in a relationship, at the same time, I also believe that a lot of us don't make figuring out if we are in "intimacy harmony" with someone a priority until after the deed is done. In other words, a lot of what comes with sexual compatibility can be discovered before hittin' the sheets with someone. It comes through heartfelt communication.
Case in point. I've always liked hearing Meagan Good say that, when she was asked why she didn't want to "test drive her husband" prior to marriage, she didn't because "he is not a car". Yeah, I know that society tries to cram down our throat that you can't find out if you and another individual are sexually in sync without getting naked first, but that's not 100—or even 65—percent true. A lot of sexual compatibility consists of chemistry and connection. And again, a lot of that transpires outside of the bedroom. That's not knocking the fact that sexual compatibility includes the act of sex itself as well, but—I guess what I'm saying is, like most things in life, good sexual energy and interaction comes with many layers. Don't underestimate how far conversations can take you. Then there are six others that we will explore today.
So, how can you know for sure if you and another person are truly sexually compatible? I asked a (totally platonic) male friend of mine to tackle this topic with me. These are the things that we both were able to agree on. How about you?
Sexually Compatible Couples Have Similar Sex Drives
I've got a friend who, ever since I've known him, he's wanted to have sex at least twice a day (his soon-to-be ex-wife can vouch for this, by the way). It really is like he's insatiable. Hmph. If we only went by men like him, it would be easy to see why the society and the media claim that men have higher sex drives than women do. But then, I've also got a girlfriend whose husband has told me, on more than one occasion, that the person who can't get enough rest isn't her, but him; she is the one whose libido is always in overdrive.
My male friend? He's 47. My female friend is 38. So, we can't really put drives on age, gender or anything else, can we? In many ways, a person's sex drive is totally up to the individual—and the relationship that they are in. This is something that I've been trying to get my male friend to accept ever since college. It's not that there aren't women who can't keep up with him; it's just that different people have different approaches to arousal and seduction. Sometimes, approaches and techniques need to switch up as well.
But what I think we all can agree on, is if two people don't have similar sex drives, that can lead to some disappointment, if not all-out frustration, for one or both individuals. Remember how I said that my male friend is going through a divorce? One of the issues in their marriage was the fact that while he wanted sex at least four times a week, his wife was good with 1-2 times a month. It's hard to be compatible when your desires are incongruent. Is it a relationship deal-breaker? Maybe not. But is it something that should be taken seriously? Definitely so.
Sexually Compatible Couples Connect on a Mental and Emotional Level
A cool definition of compatible is "capable of existing or living together in harmony". Harmony is defined as being in "agreement; accord; harmonious relations". Recently, I penned an article on here about how you should never automatically assume that a great sex partner will turn into a great life partner. If you want to know how well you and someone work outside of the bedroom, you need to figure out what you agree on and if you are on the same accord about when it comes to principles, values, life goals and what you want for your futures. When you find someone who can relate to you in these various areas, the sex with them is so much better.
There are studies that support this fact (you can read one of them here). There are articles like "The Differences Between Hook-Up Sex, Marital Sex, and Making Love" that co-sign on it. Shoot, I bet you can look back on your own sex life and vouch for the fact that when you were connected on a deep mental and emotional level, the sex was so much better than when you weren't.
Sexually compatible couples are mature in the sense that they aren't only out to get orgasms; they want to have internal highs that come from really knowing a person and them being known in return. They know that their minds and hearts being in sync also qualifies them for being truly sexually compatible.
Sexually Compatible Couples Are Willing to Explore Sexual Desires and Fantasies
Sometimes couples have a ho-hum sex life but it's not because of the sex itself; it's because they've become bored. That make sense too because most of us have heard that the biggest sex organ we have is our brain. This means that our imagination needs to be stimulated as much as possible. One way to do that is by exploring different types of sexual desires and fantasies.
As far as what some popular publications say—Glamour said that it's sex in public, sex in an usual location and pegging.Everyday Health claims that men enjoy their partner taking charge and engaging in oral and anal sex.Ask Men asked some women and they said, role-playing, domination and voyeurism were some of their favorite fantasies. But all of these findings are based on surveys and polls. The best way to find out what sends your own partner's mind to racing is to ask them. But don't stop there—once they tell you, put your best foot forward to try and make some of their dreams a reality.
A guy once told me that men don't get tired of being with the same woman; they get sick of having the same kind of sex with the same woman. Words to live by, if you ask me.
Sexually Compatible Couples Have Little Stress in Their Dynamic
I thought it was interesting that, when I asked my male friend to share with me a sign of sexual compatibility, one of the things that he listed was the relationship needed to have as little stress in it as possible. But after those words came out of his mouth, I sat and thought about the sessions I've sat in where the husband was like, "I still find my wife attractive but between all of the nagging and complaining, I'd rather just get some quiet and a good night's rest over some sex."
The reason why I think a lot of people underestimate that stress is an enemy of sexual incompatibility is because they are so used to being stressed out that they don't factor in what it is doing to their intimacy. But if all the two of you are doing is arguing, casting blame, giving each other the silent treatment, rationing affection and/or taking shots at each other, really—what in the world is sexy about that?
I totally get where my friend is coming from. Although one of the benefits of sex is it decreases stress, it's hard to even get into the act if your partner already has you turned off because of all of the stress that they are causing.
Sexually Compatible Couples Strongly Desire to Please Their Partner
I make it no secret that there have been a couple of partners in my sex life's past who, while I wasn't all that physically attracted to them, the sex was still pretty damn good. It was because pleasing me was a passion of theirs. At the same time, there were a couple of other men in my life who really needed a mirror on the wall for them to look directly into because, while they were fine, they seemed to get off more on themselves than trying to make me happy.
Whenever I sit down with couples who are totally unsatisfied with their sex lives, something that I usually say is they are making things so much harder than they've got to be. If the guy is totally focused on pleasing his lady and the woman is totally into pleasing her man, it's hard for the sex to not be totally off the charts. Problem is, just like with relationships in general, a lot of people aren't in sync with their partner; they are more concerned about what they should be getting than what they should be giving. Sexual compatibility lacks selfishness. Any couple who is in true harmony in this area can certainly vouch for that.
Sexually Compatible Couples Have a Consistent Sex Life
For some reason, a lot of folks will read the word "consistent" and think that means all day, every day. But actually, consistent simply means to be constant in whatever it is that you are doing (or not doing). As far as sex goes, some of the married couples that I work with consistently have sex 2-3 times a week while others consistently have sex a couple of times a month. Both dynamics seem to be fine with that; things only get "weird" when there is less than what they have grown accustomed to.
If you're curious about what the "general norm" is when it comes to intimacy, one study revealed that the happiest couples are those who have sex no less than once a week. I could see why that is the case. Between work schedules, household responsibilities and everything else on people's to-do list, having sex once a week is something that a lot of couples find to be a realistic amount. At the same time, no matter what is happening in their lives, they make sure that they aren't too busy to engage one another at least once a week. The sexual compatibility here is that sex isn't treated like a "relational perk"; it's a relational need and responsibility. Two people who are on the same page about that are sexually compatible in a way that is truly underrated. A lot of married couples in sexless marriages can certainly vouch for that.
So, there you have it. If you are wondering if you and yours are sexually compatible and your head moved up and down to these points, congrats. You've got something that a lot of people desire—a partner you are sexually in tune with. And that's the makings for some pretty powerful and amazing sex!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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