When I tell you that, even as I’m typing all of this, I’ve got around 45 tabs open — I am absolutely not exaggerating (if you’ve got a laptop, get a laptop cooling pad; it’s a lifesaver when it comes to your keyboard!). Between all of the writing assignments that I have and tidbits of information that I come across, I have to keep them open until I find a “home” for all of the content that I collect.
Today, I’m about to clear out quite a few as I share with you something that I talk about a lot over on this platform: SEX. Only this time, because the tidbits are not (necessarily) long enough for their own piece, yet they are interesting enough to share, I’m going to tackle 15 current sex-related points back-to-back that might surprise you. Maybe, maybe not. At the very least, it’ll give you and your girls something to talk about the next time you get together for after-work drinks.
Ah, sex. It never stops being fascinating, y’all. Here we go.
1. Not Kissing During Sex Is More Common than You Think
GiphyA few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?” While that might sound odd to some (me included), the people I interviewed for it aren’t alone. For better or for worse, although close to 90 percent of people said that they kissed during their last sexual encounter, people under 30 are more likely to skip out on doing it because “kissing is too intimate.” Umm…sooo…genitalia on and in you isn’t? Chile…nevermind.
2. The Use of Plan B Has Doubled
Yeah, I don’t know what I think about this one because I personally think that Plan B hasn’t been around long enough for folks to be popping them like Tums. For one thing, it’s important to remember that it’s supposed to be used as emergency contraception; secondly, since it only helps to prevent pregnancy, people still need to get out here using condoms. Plus, side effects like irregular (menstrual bleeding), headaches, and a lower libido need to be kept in mind.
All of that said, it looks like people are using Plan B more than ever before, to the point where 1 in 4 women say that they have used it before. That brings me back to the importance of condom use (which, short of a latex allergy, doesn’t really have side effects). I’ll talk about this more at the end of all of this.
3. Millennials Think Sex Is More Important than Gen Z-ers Do
GiphyI’m not gonna get to preaching about how I find myself saying, at least three times a week, that when you don’t know the purpose of something, you are bound to misuse or abuse it — and how, to me, sex is on the very top of that list. I’ll just say that with the current state of our culture, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that Gen Z (born 1997-2021) is out here Elmo shrugging when it comes to sex. Meanwhile, the generation who comes right before them (y’all, millennials don’t go on forever…LOL; it’s folks who were born between 1981-1996) actually make sex more of a priority.
Now, I will say that I appreciate that only 5 percent of the Gen Z crew think that sex is the most important part of a relationship. That shows some depth in their mindset, for sure.
4. Uncut Men Are Totally Underestimated
If there are two things that I find to be, let’s go with “fascinatingly hypocritical” when it comes to online gender banter, is the fact that a lot of women like to crack on short guys while not wanting men to say anything about women’s weight and that women also seem to be hella dismissive of men who haven’t been circumcised when a lot of us have vulvas and vaginas that have quite a bit of extra skin going on as well.
That’s why I had to shout out the fact that when it comes to men who are uncut, they actually tend to have more intense orgasms than men who are circumcised.
Not only that, but women who engage in coitus with uncircumcised guys tend to experience less “bang-bang-bang” sex and have more orgasms, too. Well, looka there.
5. Folks over 50 Like Doggy Style Most
GiphyA couple of months ago, I saw an IG post of a woman who was struggling up the stairs with some Timberland boots in hand. Her caption simply said, “If your man owns a pair of these, then you know.” LOL. Chile. And who would’ve thought that although 50 isn’t old (AT ALL), with all of the folks out here with back issues, bad mattresses, and the need to work out a bit more, the fave position for those who are 25 times two and over is doggy style (with missionary coming after and the spoon position trailing after that)?
While it should come as no surprise that men enjoy the visuals and powerful feelings that come with the position, I’m curious to know how many of y’all can relate to the Women’s Health article, “12 Thoughts Every Girl Has During Doggy Style.” Hop up in the comments and let me know.
6. Meanwhile, Women Prefer Missionary (Most of All)
Not too long ago, I was in an interview with someone who told me that submission (to men) was antiquated. I immediately said, “So, you don’t have sex then?” When she asked me what I meant, I said, “Isn’t the missionary position an act of submitting to a man?” She immediately changed the subject (uh-uh). Hey, don’t take my word for it.
A GQ article literally cited that most women still find missionary to be a top-tier sexual position, in part because “the eye contact, the mild male dominance, and the angle of penetration make it a popular one among women..”
And with that, let’s move on to the next point.
7. Women Are Still Faking. Men Are Still Not Believing It.
GiphyI’ve written about faking it on this platform before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not” and “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”). Personally, I’m not a fan (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). A huge part of the reason is that I’m pretty word-literal, and fake means things like deceive, fraudulent, and pretending — yeah, I don’t know how anything truly beneficial comes out of that, especially long-term.
Anyway, somebody let the fellas know that faking is still alive and “well” no matter what they think because it’s also been cited that while 85 percent of guys think that they made their partner cum the last time they had sex with them, only 64 percent of women said that was actually the case (vaginal contracting happens during climaxing, fellas. Always remember that).
8. Men Ain’t the Only Ones Who Loathe Rubbers
A male friend of mine recently told me that wearing a condom is like wanting to enjoy the rain while in your car when the windows are rolled up. I shared that with some other men I know and they pretty much agreed. One expounded and said it’s like “wearing a trash bag on your d-ck.” Hmm. Although a part of me thinks that folks need to do better at wearing rubbers that actually fit them (because only 50 percent do), men are not alone in not being the biggest fan of prophylactics.
Apparently, a whole lot of women also think that condoms make sex less pleasurable, too. I mean, raw sex in a long-term committed relationship (where two people are exclusive, honest, and tested regularly) is understandably the most ideal situation.
For everyone else who wants to avoid pregnancy and/or STDs and/or doesn’t want to rely on hormone-filled birth control to prevent conception — a list of “barely like it's even on” condoms can be found here.
9. Around 20 Percent of People Are Abstinent
GiphyIf you’re currently abstinent and it seems like you’re the only one on the planet that is, trust me, you ain’t. Reportedly, around 19-20 percent of people are currently not having sex (intentionally). Interestingly enough, many women don’t, either due to discomfort during sex or having a low libido. Also, on the topic of not gettin’ any, I think it should go on record that most of the population is no longer a virgin by 22. At the same time, around 27 percent of young men are still virgins. Yeah, bet that last thing wasn’t on your Bingo card…was it?
10. Women Don’t Find Money to Be As Sexy As Social Media Says
Chile, if you leave it up to TikTok, every woman in the world is out for a man’s money. However, a study of over 17,000 women actually said that what women find to be the sexiest thing in a man is confidence (65 percent), followed by humor (54 percent) and intelligence (53 percent). And just where did a man’s wallet place? Last — at 7 percent. Share it with everyone you know.
11. Some Men Intentionally Bring Condoms to Funerals
GiphyA random movie that I like is Catch & Release (Jennifer Garner, Juliette Lewis). In the trailer, you see a couple having sex in a bathroom right after a funeral. That’s what crossed my mind when I read that, reportedly, 1 in 8 men bring condoms to homegoings. I don’t mean that there is one already in their wallet; I mean that they plan on having rubbers on tap — just in case. I mean, if ever there’s a time when emotions are all over the place, that would be it. Not sure how to close this one out so, I’ll just go to the next.
12. Religious Folks Have Better Sex than “Secular” Ones Do
One of my favorite Message Version translations of Scripture is I Corinthians 6:16-20. It starts off by saying this:
“There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, ‘The two become one.’ Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never ‘become one.’”
You know, no matter what you think about the Bible, science even backs that sex bonds people (thanks to oxytocin, for starters). And when you add a serious commitment and a spiritual foundation into the mix, I’m not surprised that, reportedly, religious couples profess to have more satisfying sex than “secular people” do. Not surprised at all.
13. Women Like Sex Toys. A LOT.
GiphyHere’s my TMI tidbit for the day: I don’t own nor have I ever owned or even used a sex toy (well, not one that needs batteries). Never had the need or curiosity to. Oh, but when I toured with an organization that got people out of the porn industry, I learned quite a bit about them and knew that they were going to be increasing in demand and use — and that is all true.
Word on the street is that 50 percent of people use some type of sex toy on a weekly basis, 82 percent of women own at least one sex toy (vibrators are their favorite pick) and almost 40 percent of women would prefer to use their sex toys without their partner. Hmm…does anyone care to expound on that last part?
14. People over 60 Are Still Gettin’ It In
Every time I see something on social media that alludes to the fact that folks over 40 aren’t really having that much sex, I get irritated. Some people are so young-minded that they think 40 is ancient. Meanwhile, their parents and grandparents are out here running circles around some of these 20-somethings. Case in point: nine million women over 60 had sex at least once last year; 13 percent say that they enjoy sex more now than they did a decade ago; 57 percent said that they (almost) always cum with their partner (can you say the same?), and 14 percent masturbate a few times a month.
If you add to that the fact that more than half of people between the ages of 57-75 have oral sex and one-third between 75-85 are doing the same and that 54 percent of those aged 75-85 engage in intercourse 2-3 times a month while 23 percent get it in at least once a week — whew! Can we finally put ageism, as it specifically relates to sexual activity, where it belongs? In. The. Trash.
15. More People Need to Be Wearing Condoms. SERIOUSLY.
GiphyListen, I don’t know why the fact that just knowing that syphilis has increased 80 percent over the past several years isn’t enough for people to WRAP IT UP out here (le sigh). Oh, and yet here we are: only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms consistently. Sometimes, I just sit and think about all of the confusion, chaos, and avoidable sickness out here, and it’s all because 1) we treat sex too casually and/or 2) we don’t use protection.
There are plenty of Google links to prove that it’s not my opinion that STIs/STDs aren’t going anywhere — probably ever. In fact, they are reportedly surging. So, out of the 15 things that you just read, I saved the best one for last in the sense that, for the sake of your overall health and well-being (as well as your partner’s), USE CONDOMS. Raw sex lasts a moment. The outcome? That can be a lifetime. Real talk and straight up.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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