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Are You Ready To Up Your Phone Sex Game, Sis?
Whether you're in a long-distance relationship or you're just looking for a way to spice things up with your man, something that I think you should never underestimate is what a good, long and sexy round of phone sex can do for you and yours. While I already know that it's oftentimes seen as some wack-ass, bootleg consolation prize, I personally think that's just because there isn't enough forethought and prepping that is put into it. Hopefully, though, after reading these 12 suggestions, not only will you see phone sex in a whole new light—you'll be excited about having a few session with your boo thang, just as soon as you possibly can.
1. Download the Right Sexting Apps
Before getting into all of the ways to make phone sex better, I'm thinking that you're probably most concerned that what you say (and do) remains between you and your partner. Noted. That's where certain sex apps come in. Dust is a sexting app that literally turns everything that transpired to "dust" after 24 hours. If you want to send some screenshots, Confide will "gray out" any of the ones that might be shared with someone other than the originally intended individual. We-Connect is cool because you can connect vibration sensations to your sexts. LokLok is great because you can actually scribble messages to your partner to give a more personalized effect (which is great when it comes to foreplay or afterplay). Wickr isn't exactly a sexting app; still, it's really secure when it comes to sending photos and videos. Bottom line, these are some popular apps that can put your mind more at ease, as far as confidentiality is concerned.
2. Send Each Other a Phone Sex Gift Pack Ahead of Time
Now that you can feel more confident that, whatever you and yours are game for while being on the phone, no one else will have to know about it, it's now time to get into some tips on things that you can do that will help to create the mood. Let's start with making a sex gift pack, shall we? This is something that both of you can customize and then send to each other.
If you're totally down yet you're not sure what yours should include, I've got a few ideas: lubricant; sexy underwear; the perfume (or essential oil) that he likes to smell on you; a handwritten note that consists of some of the things that you want to do to him; a phone grip (so that he can either hold his phone with one hand or not at all); a voice-controlled vibrating egg or cock ring; some satin sheets; a blindfold; some champagne (or a bottle of whatever their favorite liquor is and, some chocolate sauce (or whatever their favorite sexual condiment is).
How can someone not get excited at the sight of receiving items like this, chile?
3. Set the Stage
Whether or not you plan on video chatting, you still should set the stage/scene for some erotic romance. Turn off your overhead lighting and either light some scented soy candles (jasmine, lavender, vanilla, rose, patchouli, cinnamon and nutmeg can all help to get you in the mood) or install a colored LED light bulb (blue, purple and red are really sexy). Get yourself a sex pillow; it can make getting into certain positions, so much easier. If you want to play some soft and sexy music in the background, do that. Shoot, some people like to have phone sex while soaking in the bathtub. Others prefer to roll around on the floor. The key is to create the kind of atmosphere that makes you want to have sex while encouraging your partner to do the same.
4. Dress Up
I won't lie. About half of the men that I know, whenever the topic of lingerie comes up, they tend to shrug their shoulders and be like, "I prefer you just get naked." About another 30 percent say that they like to see their lady in it, with or without sex happening. Then there's the other 20 percent (a lot of them are husbands) who say that lingerie is like the gift wrap that's around a present. Personally, I like lingerie, even just for me, because it makes me feel sexy, sensual and super seductive, especially when I get something that feels really soft on my skin, that's in a color that I like, that accentuates my favorite parts of my own body. Anyway, whether your man likes lingerie or not, whether you plan on getting on video or not, phone sex should be treated like a special occasion. Dress up for yourself, if no one else. It has a way of putting you into a headspace that is sexually unmatched.
5. Bring in Some, Umm, Sound Effects
This might be a "something new" for some of you. Have you ever heard of auralism? Some people consider it to be a sexual fetish. Personally, because it literally means that you're turned on by sound, I just think it's something that takes arousal up a few notches while encouraging us to tap into all of our senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, hearing). Anyway, when you're physically with your partner, auralism is a reminder that while some people might prefer "silent sex", most of us do not. Use your "dirty" words. Moan. Apply more lubrication, so that you can hear the sounds of wet movement. Don't be shy about the sounds that are made during oral sex. Let loose. It's hot.
During phone sex, you can mimic some things that create certain sounds. Take oral sex, for instance. If you want to act like you are literally performing fellatio, get a popsicle in your favorite flavor. All of that slurping will be sure to turn both you and him on. See what I mean?
6. Watch Your Tone
Although A Different World continues to be one of my all-time favorite shows and I actually own a shirt with a picture of Dwayne and Whitley on it, something that I always wondered was how Dwayne could put up with Whitley's voice. Lawd. Especially in a sexual setting. That said, there's a guy from my past who, while the sex was definitely something special, it was his voice that totally did me in. Matter of fact, when we caught up on the phone a few years ago, I had to cross my legs, a few times, because of just how good his voice sounded through my smartphone.
Yeah, something that is totally underestimated when it comes to giving good phone sex is one's tone of voice. How impacting is it? One of my male friends was just telling me about a woman he's been considering seeing beyond something casual. The interesting thing is, although he's not over-the-moon attracted to her on the physical tip, he can't seem to shake her voice. In fact, her voice has "made his nature rise" (lawd, who invented that saying?), on a few occasions. Enough to make him want to learn—and experience—more. So yeah, there go three examples of why focusing on your tone—as he does the same—during phone sex is semi-crucial.
Sit up straight. Breathe in deeply. Speak slowly. Control your volume. Moan more. Whisper at times. Smile while speaking. Believe it or not, all of these things can help to make your voice sound more soothing which always works when you're trying to seduce your partner.
7. Ask a Few Questions
Some people struggle with phone sex, simply because they're not sure how to get things started. Like, what do you actually say to get the ball rolling? This is where some pre-game foreplay sexting can come in handy. Hours before, text your partner to let them know, just how excited you are about what is coming later on. Also, share with them some of the things that you find to be so appealing and alluring about them in the sexual sense. With one of those apps that I mentioned earlier, send a racy pic or message too.
Then, once you both get on the phone to get the party started, you'll both already know what time it is. From there, you can simply ask each other some questions. Forget that, "So, what do you have on?" generalized stuff. How about something like:
- What's your favorite part of my body?
- Where can I touch you to turn you on the most?
- What do I taste like?
- What's your favorite sexual position?
- What's something that we've never done that you'd like to try?
- How do I feel when I cum?
- What's your favorite part of me going down on you?
- What do you wish we'd do more often?
- What do you wish I was doing to you, right this second?
- How hard are you?
Between your questions and his answers, trust me, the self-consciousness that you might initially feel will soon be consumed by how turned on you both end up getting.
8. Take a Walk Down Memory Lane
First up, did you know that the more sex you have, the better your memory tends to be? The reason why is a bit complex; however, in a weird way, it confirms why this next point should be incorporated. I've mentioned before that a past sex partner of mine says that he firmly believes in what he calls "sex memory"; that there are certain times of the year when he will crave certain women because 1) that was the time of year when he started having sex with them and 2) the sex was so good that it impacted him long-term. I thought he was being ridiculous until I thought about my own sex memory and indeed, there are certain months when I'll be like, "I wonder how so-and-so is doing" which will follow some sort of memory of a sexual encounter that we had.
Now, if a past partner can have this effect, imagine what recalling some of your favorite sexual experiences with your current boo can do. Be direct. Be specific. Set the scene of where you were, how you felt and the parts of the encounter that were your absolute favorite. Sometimes, it's remembering the past that can ensure that you will thoroughly enjoy the present.
9. Share Some Sexual Fantasies
Some of y'all probably remember when Darius Lovehall said in the movie Love Jonesthat when people say that romance is dead, what they are really saying is that they've exhausted the possibilities. Say that. SAY. THAT. When you really stop to think about the fact that all men basically have the same equipment and we as women do too, whenever couples talk about how bored they are, if they wonder what it would be like to be with someone new, oftentimes it all stems from a lack of imagination and creativity that's transpiring within their current situation. This is why sharing sexual fantasies can be so important. I mean, think about it. Of course, if you're always in the missionary position in your bedroom at 10 p.m., stuff is gonna get the yawn effect. The "cure" for this is to create your own sex bucket list (check out "This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of 'Sex Bucket List'") and then to share your list with your partner. And when it comes to some good phone sex? That's one of the best times to bring the lists(s) up. Share together. Dream together. Be as graphic as possible. Getting your creative juices stirred up is a great way to get other things to…flowing.
10. Do Video Sometimes. Sometimes Not.
To use video or not to use video. When it comes to phone sex, that is the question. My two cents would be to alternate. Sometimes, when you solely rely on the video feature, it can make you a little lazy when it comes to finding unique ways to turn your partner on. Besides, if you take the sound suggestions that I already mentioned, just hearing each other get aroused can be enough to bring about a few climaxes. Look at it as a challenge. (If you know what I mean.)
11. Play a Lil’ Bit of ‘Simon Says’
I don't know about y'all but blatant directives during sex is kind of a turn-off (to me). When you're physically with your partner, body language, changes in breathing and dirty talk can go a long way without feeling like you're in the military. When you're not together, though, and you're engaging in some good ole' phone sex, a "nasty" version of Simon Says can be the lick (no pun intended). Y'all remember the game Simon Says as a kid, right? One person would give instructions, starting with saying "Simon says" and they would keep doing it until folks got so used to hearing those two words that they would slip in a directive without pre-empting it with the phrase. Whoever did the directive anyway, they lost the game.
Well, in an erotic version of Simon Says, you and your partner can swap out "Simon" with your own name and "says" for "likes". Then, each of you can take turns playing the game the same way. For example, if your name is "Sharon", you can say something like, "Sharon likes it when you stroke yourself". Keep on giving instructions and then if you go without saying "Sharon says" and he still does what you stated, give him a consequence of something that he has to do. Like maybe rub himself down with an ice cube while you watch. Simon Says will never be the same again, chile.
12. TAKE. YOUR. TIME.
One of the best things about phone sex is it truly is all about the art of seduction. It really is about seeing how good you are at turning on your partner, even when you aren't around, as they do the same thing for you. That said, don't try and see this as a "sprint". Instead, treat it more like a marathon. In fact, right along with Simon Says, have a prize for the person who could hold out (from climaxing) the longest. You might look up and realize that phone sex isn't some lame consolation prize. It might end up being one of the absolute favorite things that you and your partner like to do. Whew.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
10 New Moms Share What They Wish They Knew About Sex Post-Delivery
Back when I was the teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit organization, I decided to become a doula. One reason was that I couldn’t stand how disrespectfully dismissive a lot of doctors were towards pregnant teenagers (how you gonna pre-schedule C-sections in girls who are in their first trimester?). My second reason was to do some healing from my own past pregnancy choices (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”). Over time, another reason was that when a woman has a child, she needs support for more than just birthing her baby.
Take her sex life, for example. Although some women have a pretty thriving sex life throughout their pregnancy and, after their six-month check-up, they resume having sex relatively smoothly then as well, for other women, their experience is quite different. And because sex, post-delivery, still (amazingly) remains a taboo topic on a lot of levels, other (new) moms suffer in silence because they feel like they are alone.
That, right there, is why I decided to sit down with some mothers to have them share what they wish someone had given them the heads up on when it comes to sex after having a child. If you are a mom who’s having some challenges in the bedroom, hopefully, this will assure you that others get exactly where you are coming from. If you’re not a mom (yet), my goal is that you can get an idea of some things that could possibly happen — so that you can surround yourself with the support that you need (i.e., a girlfriend, some other new moms, even a counselor, if necessary). That way, you can do what needs to be done to get your sex life back (or right) to where you want it to be…in time.
*Middle names are used in this type of content so that people can speak freely*
1. Bevelynn. 28. Mom of a Six-Month-Old Daughter. First Child.
“The weirdest thing for me is there are certain positions that can always make me cum that were super uncomfortable throughout most of my pregnancy. So, it felt like I was having sex for my partner instead of with him. Then, after having the baby, my man was so used to hurrying through sex because that’s how I was while pregnant that he felt self-conscious that I was trying to ‘coach him’ through foreplay like he wasn’t a good lover.
"You know how they say that sex, after abstinence, is like riding a bicycle? The hell you say! There was a lot to relearn that it was almost like having sex for the first time again. Pretty much a year of sex being one way and then adjusting to something else will do that to you. We’re still figuring it out.”
2. Embree. 34. Mom to a 11-Month-Old Son. Third Child.
“I never had postpartum depression, thank God. I did go through a long sex lull. I love my babies, Lord knows that I do, but you don’t really get just how much sex creates them until you have them, if that makes sense. Being a mom is fulfilling and draining — any woman who says otherwise isn’t taking her role as seriously as she should. And when you sit and realize that kids can’t exist without sex, you have moments when you’ll avoid having it at all costs because you don’t want to risk what comes from it — another baby. And that’s just the truth.”
3. Gail. 37. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Third Child.
“Please don’t give your husband a hard time about getting used to your new body and hormonal changes during sex. It might be popular to act like men shouldn’t have a say in giving birth or what comes with it, but science says otherwise, and while they’re supporting you through your changes, they might end up going months without intimacy — no man wants that. The more talks [that] you have about sexual needs and expectations before getting pregnant, the better. Remember that he is a part of all of this, too.”
4. Quincee. 32. Mom to a One-Year-Old Daughter. First Child.
“I was told that I should get a doula before having my daughter, and I should’ve listened because it makes no sense to push out a baby on your back. My friends who had doula assistance learned positions that were way more helpful. Since I didn’t and my daughter, although I love her dearly, has a really big head, I tore pretty badly. The healing process was borderline hell but, more than anything, I had some PTSD about allowing any — and I do mean anything — from going into my vagina.
"I don’t care if it was a penis, a sex toy, or even a tampon, I was traumatized. Get those perineal massages before giving birth, squat during labor, and get a man who loves oral sex, both ways, so that you both can get through the adjusting. That’s the best advice that I can give on it.”
5. Francis. 30. Mom to a Seven-Month-Old. Second Child.
“You might need to see a sex therapist after having children. It might sound crazy, but no one talks about how having a baby changes everything about you — every single thing. My husband has always been able to please me, and he’s not small in the least, but after having our first child, my vagina never felt the same. That kept me from feeling the same pleasure, which made me want to have sex less and even resent him for not being able to please me like he used to.
"We tried to figure it out on our own, but that started to affect his self-esteem, and then we weren’t having much sex. My girlfriends had some of the worst advice, so I spoke with a marriage counselor who referred me to a sex therapist who helped me to understand the transitions of motherhood, sexually. It’s one of the best things that happened to our relationship. My best advice is nothing is fully ever the same after a baby — sex, for me, was on top of that list.”
6. Erda. 25. Mom to a Three-Month-Old Son. First Child.
“Being a mom is hard as sh-t — do you hear me? I am terrified of getting pregnant. I don’t mean any time soon; I’m contemplating being done forever because my pregnancy was difficult, and my son thinks that we all should be up all day and all night long. People keep telling me that this will pass, but until it does, whenever I see my husband’s penis, it’s like ‘enemy #1’ in my eyes. We can do some oral action; I’ve always been about that. But if he wants to put that thing in me, I always want him to put on three condoms — I’m NOT playing.”
Shellie here: As a doula, I’ll be checking back on her in six more months or so. Something tells me that this will have a bit more balance in the narrative. Those first few months can be a mutha, indeed.
7. Laurelle. 39. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Fourth Child.
“Even after having four kids, I never got used to my breasts being available to everyone. Mine, then my husband and mine, and then, for a season, my kids — and then sometimes everyone’s. Our two first children were less than two years apart, so I swear that my husband didn’t get to touch my breasts for like three years straight…and he’s a breast man! I don’t think anyone can fully prepare you for how to be a momand a sexual being at the same time. It’s one of the hardest things about motherhood to date.”
8. Iris. 30. Mom to a One-Year-Old. Second Child.
“Your erogenous zones might change. Mine did. I used to not be a breast person, but I started having orgasms while breastfeeding, which kind of creeped me out but then it made me want my breast played with more than ever during sex with my man. The other thing is my thighs got pulled on a lot during labor, and so, I’m kind of jumpy when my fiancé reaches out for them now — and he’s a thigh man. Having a child isn’t just a miracle because of the baby. Being able to figure out a new normal in the bedroom is a miracle, too, sis.”
Shellie here: If you can relate to what Iris just said about climaxing while breastfeeding, there is no reason to feel embarrassed or guilty.Breastfeeding tends to produce some of the same hormones that come from sexual stimulation — for instance, remember that oxytocin is a bonding chemical.It’s for this same reason that you might produce extra milk when you orgasm after having sex with your partner. It’s natural. It also tends not to last forever. It will usually pass.
9. Hope. 32. Mom to a Four-Month-Old. Second Child.
“The talk about the whole ‘Madonna-Whore’ thing that men may go through — you know, how once you become their wife or mother of their child, they have a hard time seeing you as a sexual being. Some of us go through that, too. I don’t have hang-ups about sex. I’m just not as nasty as I used to be. My body is used for so many different things now, and the fluids get all mixed in together — I dunno. Sometimes, when I’m about to show my porn side, I’m like, ‘Hold up — is this appropriate? I’m a mother now. It’s so complex, honey.”
10. Tateyana. 27. Mom to a Nine-Month-Old. First Child.
“I was told to get a co-sleeper and keep our baby out of our bed. I didn’t listen. I wish I had because now our bedroom is more like a nursery/daycare and it’s harder than ever to keep our son out of our bed — emotionally. My husband is patient; sometimes, he’s the one who wants our son to stay in the bed but we know that sex is an important part of marriage and we certainly didn’t sign up to be co-parents who are roommates. When they say that the bedroom is for sex and sleep only, the sleep part really shouldn’t be your children. They’ve got a room. They’ll be fine in there. We’re trying to wean him off now, so I’m preaching to the choir here. Sex after babies…it’s just so much.”
____
Sex after babies…it’s just so much. As you can see, sex, post-delivery can be layered, complex, and sometimes challenging. Still, if you have a partner who is understanding, if you’re patient with yourself throughout your transitions, and if you get that healthy intimacy has a mental, emotional, and spiritual component that can get you through all of the physical “growing pains” that you may be experiencing — sex after having a child can become richer, closer and even better with time.
After all, a new normal? Sometimes, it exceeds what you’ve been accustomed to.
And isn’t that something to look forward to when it comes to post-delivery intimacy? Definitely.
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