
Hey, babes! It's your girl, the Mystic Model, checking in with your April horoscopes. This month brings a much needed refresher after wading through the murkiness of Pisces season in March. We're officially in Aries season, which also marks the beginning of the astrological new year.
On April 5th, we've got a New Moon in the sign of the ram that encourages us to take bold steps towards our dreams. Aries is all about the "self" and this dynamic energy just so happens to be exalted when the Sun is in this part of the sky. Over the next few weeks, the courage to boldly express who you are will come more easily along with the help of Mars in Gemini. This combination of elements—fire and air—will give you the energy to get shit done. However, this coupling can result in clumsiness and accidents if you're not mindful of what you're doing. There's also a tendency to burn out quickly, so try to balance enough time for rest.
Jupiter, the benevolent, goes retro on the 10th until August giving us the chance to engage more deeply with the soul-searching process. This is when the difficult lessons finally start clicking and we're able to see the blessings within our misfortune. On April 17th, Mercury moves into Aries joining the party with the Sun and Mars. Watch out for starting arguments just for the sake of ruffling feathers or proving a point. There's a tendency to be self-righteous and boisterous under this energy. Breathe and count to ten before you proceed with sending that nasty work email to your boss. The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th gives us another chance to revisit relationship issues that came to a head around the Full Moon in March. There's no coincidence that there are two back-to-back Full Moons in Libra this year, driving the message home about clearing our relationship karma and bringing ourselves—mind, body, and spirit—back into balance.
Check out your horoscope below to see what magic April has in store for you:
Aries

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Happy birthday, hottie! The month kicks off with a New Moon in your sign on the 4th, making this a potent time to plant the seeds for what you want to manifest six months from now. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro and over the next four months, you'll be integrating the spiritual insights you've been receiving through deeper research, study, and reflection. Once this retrograde is complete, you'll come out on the other side feeling more solid in what you believe. Mercury moving into your sign on the 17th blesses you with some brilliant ideas that can enhance your image and energy. People will be more argumentative during this transit. Avoid the drama and stay focused on the bag instead.
On the 19th, the Full Moon in Libra lights up your relationships marking a pivotal point of change, helping you release a long-standing issue with someone or a negative pattern in your relationship dynamics. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th bringing your focus to matters of love and money. Venus moves into your sign on the same day, heating up your life even more. Your personal magnetism is through the roof. All eyes are on you! (But what's new?) The month closes out with Pluto going retro on the 24th in your house of career, achievements, and social status. Saturn follows right behind on the 29th going retro in the same part of your sky. The work that you do over the Spring and Summer will have some life-changing rewards come Fall.
Taurus

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The month starts off a little more lowkey for you with the New Moon in Aries on the 4th bringing the focus to your inner-world. This is a time to discover who you are at the core and the programming that needs to be ditched for you to finally embrace the badass that you are. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro through your house of sex, death, and rebirth. The next four months can help you take a lighter approach to some of your heavier life experiences and the spiritual lessons you're integrating can be embraced with joy. Your personal mantra for the month is "Laughter is the best medicine". Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th, activating your dream world and bringing your fears to the surface. Keep a journal to work through the emotions that come up at this time.
On the 19th, the Full Moon in Libra illuminates your daily routines, health, and possibly some hidden enemies. If you've been questioning whether someone is Team Taurus or not, your dreams can be surprisingly insightful. Any health concerns can come to a head at this point that requires you to tighten up your diet and exercise routine. The Sun moves into your sign on the 20th, ushering in your birthday season! Your ruling planet moves into Aries the same day. During this transit, you'll likely enjoy nesting with your lover away from the chaos of the world. At the end of the month, Pluto and Saturn go retro in your ninth house. Throughout the Spring and Summer, you're given the opportunity to dive deeper into your spiritual understanding. This is a perfect time to sign up for that Reiki class, connect with a spiritual guru, or return to your old meditation routine. Use the time to nurture and water the roots of your spiritual wellness.
Gemini

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The social butterfly of the zodiac can now emerge from its cocoon now that Aries season is here. Both the Sun and New Moon on the 4th bring your focus to new alliances and possibly bridging the gap between you and people you've lost touch with. The people that you're meeting at this time will play a major role in some of your big goals over the next six months. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro in your house of relationships. You may find yourself revisiting a past relationship or working through some hang-ups during this transit. The energy is also favorable for reassessing any business contracts.
Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th. Be cautious of combativeness and competition amongst your social circle. It may be time to make an executive decision if someone isn't wiling to be a team player. Mars is currently in your sign, making you less tolerable for any negativity that is slowing down the group's momentum. The Full Moon on the 19th lights up romance and creativity for you, making this the perfect date night for some Sips & Strokes. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, giving you a chance to relax after a busy month before we enter your birthday season. Both Pluto and Saturn go retro at the end of the month, initiating you into a deeply transformative process that will heal some of your most tender traumas and empower you in mind-body-spirit.
Cancer

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Career advancement is your top priority this month, with both the Sun and New Moon on the 5th encouraging you to plant the seeds for what you would like to manifest six months from now. This is the perfect time to start working towards that promotion or launching your own business. On April 10th, Jupiter stations retrograde in a part of your sky that has to do with your daily routines and health. Use the next few months to study up on a new fitness regimen or diet that can enhance your well-being. Mercury finally leaves your sister sign on the 17th and moves into Aries. Watch out for power struggles with your boss or your worker bees if you're the HBIC! It's best to err on the side of caution with Mars in Gemini amping up the "know it all" combativeness that can show up in our interactions during this transit. On April 19th, the Full Moon in Libra lights up the area of family and home. You may be saying goodbye to your childhood home in pursuit of making your own mark on the world. This is the perfect time to feng shui your space to invite more love into your home. Any issues with family can also be peacefully settled at this time.
The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, bringing your focus to friends and your long-term vision. The people that you connect with now will play a major role in your life over the year to come. Venus moves into Aries on the same day. A workplace romance may be tempting during this transit, especially with someone in a position of power and affluence. The month wraps up with both Pluto and Saturn going retro in your house of relationships, making the next several months good for coming to terms with some heavy love issues and revamping existing partnerships (romantic and professional). Out of all of the signs, you're the one most likely to have an opportunity to revisit a significant relationship from your past to see if your power struggles can truly be rectified.
Leo

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This month is all about your spiritual ascension with the Sun and New Moon on the 5th, bringing the attention to dating, romance, and creativity. Things are heating up for you and this can mark the beginning of a new fling for you. Avoid getting too serious at this time and just enjoy the moment for what it is. On April 10th, Jupiter goes retro in a part of your sky that has to do with higher learning and spirituality. Over the next four months, you'll have the chance to dive deeper into your spiritual learnings and you may even decide to revisit a former practice of yours. Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th, making you even more flirtatious that usual. Keep in mind, that this energy can be super aggressive, and given your fiery nature, it's best to avoid discussions of politics and religion on the first date.
The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th brings your attention to friends and associations. This can possibly result in the ending of a connection to a group of people that no longer resonate with you. However, this can also be the healing balm to restore balance to your connections as well. The choice is yours. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, making the next month all about the home and family. This is a good time to visit your childhood home or revamp your current living space with some cozy decor! Venus moves into Aries the same day, encouraging you to really own your truth when it comes to your creative expression You may surprisingly find yourself attracted to someone you're collaborating with at this time. The month closes out with Pluto and Saturn going retro in an area of your life that has to do with sex, death, and rebirth. Over the next few months, you'll be undergoing an inner metamorphosis and healing issues around power (or powerlessness) to come out on the other side feeling stronger than ever before.
Virgo

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The beginning of the month may be a little more quiet for you with the Sun and New Moon on the 5th in a part of your sky that has to do with the psyche, inner transformation, and the taboo. This time is best spent excavating the inner workings of your mind and addressing any trauma that inhibits you from expressing yourself more authentically. On April 10th, Jupiter goes retrograde and over the next four months you'll be drawn to explore your roots, making this a great time to visit your childhood home. Mercury finally moves out of its post-shadow retrograde phase offering you a much-needed sigh of relief. Your ruling planet begins its transit through Aries on the 17th. If there's an area of your life that you've been struggling to overcome (whether it be an addiction, codependency, trauma), you're encouraged to seek support through counseling, group therapy, or a trusted confidant.
On April 19th, the Full Moon in Libra illuminates your finances, values, and self-esteem. This can be a pivotal breakthrough for you when it comes to your own self-worth in love and money. Stop sleeping on yourself, Virgo. It's time to raise your price tag! The Sun moves into your sister sign, Taurus, on the 20th, making the next month all about higher learning, teaching, and foreign excursions. This is a great time to share your gifts and talents (and make some extra money while you're at it). Venus moves into Aries on the same day, setting you up for a passionate, lowkey rendezvous with a side of BDSM. April closes out with Pluto and Saturn going retro in your house of dating, romance, and creativity. Over the next few months, you may find yourself revisiting an old flame or breathing life into a hobby you've placed on the back burner.
Libra

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The Sun is in your opposite sign this month bringing the focus to relationships with the New Moon on the 5th, encouraging you to put yourself out there. You have the potential to meet an important person, romantic or business, that could figure into your life for some time to come. Jupiter goes retro on the 10th until August and the next few months will find you revisiting old friendships and associations that can be revamped to help you get one step closer towards your long-term goals. On the 17th, Mercury moves into Aries. Be cautious of picking fights with your lover or a business partner. This placement, along with Mars in Gemini, can have you (and others) feeling a little froggy. *cues "Knuck If You Buck"*
The Full Moon on the 19th in your sign places the spotlight on you! This is an ideal time to showcase anything you've been working on behind the scenes or simply posting that selfie of your big chop on IG. The Sun moves into down-to-earth Taurus on the 20th, bringing your focus over the next month to your daily routines and health. This is the time of year when you feel the pressure of getting your summer bod ready. Better late than never! Venus, your ruling planet, moves into Aries the same day, heating up your personal magnetism. Things are getting hot in the love department but maybe not so serious. Have fun and don't place too many expectations on a new fling at the moment. We wrap up the month with Pluto and Saturn going retro in your 10th house, giving you a chance to revise your career goals and strategize a better plan of action for the 2nd and 3rd quarter of the year.
Scorpio

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The month starts off with you feeling empowered to overcome any obstacles related to your psychological wellbeing. With the Sun in Aries and the New Moon on the 5th, you're definitely feeling the warrior spirit in any area of your life that's had you feeling defeated. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro in a part of your sky that has to do with the subconscious. Your dreamworld will be super active and you'll be receiving tons of insight via your Higher Self and Guides over the next four months. Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th, making you very vocal when it comes to what toxic behaviors you won't put up with (within yourself and from others). This marks a time when you make a clear shift from "Victim" to "Champion".
On the 19th, The Full Moon in Libra illuminates your finances, values, and self-esteem. This can be a powerful time of breakthrough for any issues surrounding your self-worth. There may also be news coming your way about a money opportunity or an expense that needs to be handled. Make sure you haven't been dodging those debt collectors. On the 20th, the Sun moves into your opposite sign bringing your attention to relationships and with Venus moving into Aries the same day, things can get pretty intense. A passionate, transcendental sexual experience can be just what the doctor ordered to unlock your coochie chakra. The month winds down with Pluto and Saturn going retro in the part of your sky that has to do with friends and your long-term goals, making this a great time to revisit old associations that can help make your vision a reality.
Sagittarius

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The Sun is currently in your sister sign, blessing you with a much-needed boost of energy after that heavy ass Pisces season. The New Moon on the 5th encourages you to do what you do best—level up. You're craving new knowledge, ideas, and philosophies at this time and this may be the beginning of a new spiritual journey for you. On the 10th, your ruler Jupiter goes retro until August, giving you the chance to go deeper into the areas of life that you've been expanding in. You may be feeling less social during this transit while you spend time integrating cosmic downloads that you'll need to help navigate your way ahead when Jupiter goes direct. On the 17th, Mercury moves into Aries, making you super chatty about all you've been learning. Avoid self-righteousness at this time. Mars is currently in Gemini, which can make you feel like you know-it-all. As Auntie Badu told us, "The man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all."
The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th illuminates your mind with an influx of ideas that you can use for that book, podcast, or blog you've been wanting to start. This is a favorable time to release a project via social media. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, bringing your focus to your mental health. This could be a good time to start therapy or join group counseling to support you with any psychological battles. Venus moves into Aries on the same day and you may find yourself attracted to a spiritual guru or someone that shares similar beliefs to yours. April winds down with Saturn and Pluto going retro in through a part of your sky that has to do with your subconscious. The next few months can offer you deep insight and understanding into habits, karma, and past lives that contribute to a misuse and abuse of your power.
Capricorn

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Aries season brings career matters to the forefront over the next few weeks and the New Moon on the 5th can mark the beginning of an exhilarating, new experience for you when it comes to what you do in the world. This can be a time in which you're rising up in the ranks and becoming more popular as well. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro in an area of your sky that has to do with finances and values. Over the next four months, you'll spend some time revamping your budget and diving deeper into your relationship with money. It's time to address the poverty consciousness that may be wreaking havoc on your bank account. Mercury finally moves out of Pisces after an extended stay, and into Aries on the 17th, and the topic of discussion is about your career goals. Just be cautious of arguments with your boss or worker bees at this time.
On April 19th, the Full Moon in Libra visits your fourth house again, possibly representing the end of your stay in one residence as you prepare to move elsewhere. This energy can also offer a much-needed recalibration amongst any imbalanced family relationships. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th bringing your focus to higher learning and spirituality over the next month. This is a good time to expand beyond your current comfort zone of consciousness. Venus moves into Aries the same day and you may find yourself attracted to someone in a position of power. Be mindful of workplace romances especially with a higher up. The month closes with both Pluto and Saturn going retro in your sign, making the next few months a little more introspective for you as you integrate the lessons you've been learning about your personal power.
Aquarius

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Happy April, babe! The Sun in Aries and the New Moon on the 5th brings your attention to your social circle. It's time to branch out and meet some new people that are on your same wave. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retro in a part of your sky that has to do with learning, communication, and social media. The next four months is a perfect time to dive deeper into your studies and to revamp your social media strategy. Mercury moves into Aries on the 17th, which can cause some tension amongst your friends if you're being too bossy or self-centered. Be open to compromise and creating a win-win situation for everyone involved.
The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th illuminates your romance and creativity for you. This is an auspicious, harmonious time for you in matters of dating and you're likely to enjoy a peak experience with sweet connection at this time. If you've been working on a project behind the scenes, this energy is very favorable for your big reveal. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, bringing your focus to career advancement over the next month. Take a practical, disciplined approach to the work that you're doing. On the same day, Venus moves into Aries and you may surprisingly find yourself falling head over heels for a friend or associate. The month wraps up with Pluto and Saturn going retro in a part of your sky that has to do with finances and values. Over the next few months, you'll discover the power of embracing and validating your gifts that you'll more openly share with the world come the Fall.
Pisces

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You are working your way around the astrological wheel once again with the Sun in Aries and the New Moon on the 5th encouraging you to put your gifts and talents on display. This not only can benefit you financially but the positive reception you receive from others will boost your self-esteem as well. On the 10th, Jupiter goes retrograde in a part of your chart that focuses on your roots. You may be revisiting your childhood home over the summer or diving deep into your family's ancestry. Mercury finally moves out of your sign after an extended stay, and into Aries on the 17th, giving you a much-needed breath of fresh air. Your dreams will be super active, if you're not dealing with intense bouts of insomnia. Stock up on the chamomile tea and lavender essential oil to help calm your nerves.
The Full Moon in Libra on the 19th illuminates your daily routines and health. A longstanding imbalance in these areas of your life may reach a critical boiling point forcing you to strive for balance in your every day affairs. What we consume plays a big role in our mood and energy. It may be time to let go of the caffeine or dairy if it's not sitting well with you. The Sun moves into Taurus on the 20th, bringing your attention to your friends and organizations that you're a part of, making this the perfect time for volunteer work. You're a humanitarian at heart so make sure you're sharing your positive vibes, whether that's with your homegirl that's going through a rough time or a homeless person in need of a kind gesture. Venus moves into Aries on the same day. You'll likely want to lay low with your lover during this transit, preferring the privacy of what goes on behind closed doors.
We wrap up the month with Pluto and Saturn going retro in a part of your sky that has to do with learning and communication. Research and writing are supported at this time, making it an ideal transit to create new content that will get your social media accounts buzzing with more followers and engagement.
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
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Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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