7 Married Men Have Some Marriage Myths They Want To Debunk
"When you get married, the sex stops." This is probably one of the most popular myths that many of us hear when the topic of marriage comes up. There may be seasons when it may slow down for whatever reason, but for most couples, it doesn't stop. This is a myth that can easily be debunked, and I can attest to this because of my personal experience as a wife (10+ years), as well as the experiences of others. Not to mention, the fact that sex was a hot topic and constant theme throughout the recent Black Love Summit -- from sex closets to toys, wigs, positions, and costumes. You can read a recap of the event here.
During the summit, we asked several of the husbands and panelists what marriage myth they'd like to debunk. Here's what they had to say*:
Myth: Your life is over when you get married.
Dondre Whitfield – Married Sixteen Years:
"People think that your life is over when you get married and I don't know where that information comes from. If you're talking to people who don't have a good marriage, then, yes, they will feel like their life is over, but that doesn't mean that's going to be your marriage. Marriage is a great thing if it's done the right way. It's like when you get a driver's license. Driving is great, but if nobody gives you the skill set to drive and you're crashing, then driving is going to be awful. Marriage is similar – you just need the right information to know how to do it better."
Myth: Women are expected to be perfect.
Devale Ellis – Married Nine Years:
"The myth is that men come into marriage broken and women are perfect. So, women are expected to be perfect and they have this pressure to do everything the right way, but nobody's perfect. It puts women on a pedestal where if they're not perfect in every aspect, then they feel inadequate. Women shouldn't have to be thought of as inadequate just because they don't do everything exactly as a man wants it. Women go through things and have issues, as do men, but we -- men and women -- have to work collectively to make sure we're both okay."
Myth: Marriage isn’t fun.
Tommy Oliver – Married Four Years:
"My wife and I we still like to have a lot of fun, crack jokes with one another, and take trips with each other. We still take the same trips we took while we were dating in the very beginning. Marriage is fun! Now you have a partner to share everything with…like a real true partner for a lifetime."
Myth: You have to change yourself.
Mike "DJ Fadelf" Jackson – Married Eight Years:
"One of the things we need to stop thinking is that when you get married, we have to change ourselves. In other words, you think you have to become someone who is less than you were before you got married; not realizing that you become a better person in that relationship. People lose themselves by becoming someone they're not. You fall in love with a specific person, but in the relationship you enhance that person and work on each other together."
Myth: The first five years of marriage are hard.
Warryn Campbell – Married Eighteen Years:
"Honestly, every year is hard, but it's really about what you put into it and your perspective. People say the first year tends to be the hardest, but to me, I thought the first year was great! Whatever you did in the beginning, you have to continue that same energy and same work throughout the relationship because you grow together, you change, and you evolve."
Myth: The work stops when the wedding ends.
Chris Spencer – Married Ten Years:
"The wedding may feel like happily ever after, but it's not over. The wedding day is the start. That's day one, and it's a marathon. So, get ready to run that race."
Bryan Chea – Married Three Years:
"Once you're married, it's til death do you part, but that doesn't mean you don't have to work at it. You're still learning yourself, let alone your partner, and all of those changes. Marriage isn't a lifelong thing unless you're intentional about making it that way."
*Responses edited and condensed for clarity
Want more marriage gems? Tune into OWN every Saturday at 9/8c to catch the all new season of Black Love.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."
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According to Mrs. Savannah James, she would like to be addressed as “wife” — other monikers simply won’t do.
In a recent episode of the Everybody’s Crazy podcast, James and co-host April McDaniel received a call from a listener caught in a love triangle between a man she was dating while entertaining a “sneaky link.”
The hosts went on to advise the call-in guest to pursue singleness as she sorts out her needs, which led to a discussion what the meanings of "sneaky link" and a "side chick," a topic their producer eventually clarified for them.
“A sneaky link is somebody that you know you sneaking with,” their producer decoded. “But your side chick the majority of the time your main girl knows about the side chick.”
Agasted by the definition, McDaniel went on to share her stance on ambiguous relationship statuses. “I don't even want to be the main chick,” she stated.
“I need to be the wife these days. I don't want to be the ‘wifey.’ I don't want to be nothing. I want to be the wife.”
James went on to express her strong dislike for the term "wifey," sharing that she didn’t want to be called a wife until she officially made one by her now husband, NBA star, LeBron James. “When I tell you I hate, loathe ‘wifey’ with my whole entire soul,” said James. “I'm sorry, don't call me your wife and I'm not.”
“I had to politely tell my husband back in the day,” she says. “He used to introduce me, ‘This is my wife.’ I had to pull him to the side like, ‘Excuse me, sir, don't introduce me as that, please. I am not your wife, and I deserve that title when the time is right.’”
She continued, “I don't want you to start to think that it's okay for you to say this and then, you know, means don’t have to go the next step.”
As we age and new terms become popularized, it’s common to not fully know what titles and terms work best for the relationship and dynamic one might navigate. In McDaniel’s case, finding the right titles to introduce the new men who come into her life can be tricky.
“But that has been interesting, recently, when introducing certain individuals, at my age,” she explains. “‘Boyfriend’ sounds crazy, ‘my man’… mhmm… ‘my partner’ sounds like I’m a lesbian.” Conquous to what the best intro would be at the “big, grown stage” James offered “tiers.”
“I feel like it's tiers,” James said. “You have to start at the bottom and then come up.”
“One of these days we have to go live so we can ask people live like, what is the titles? Because I'm very intrigued by knowing what are the titles people go by and what feels ‘premium.’ Because I want the premium title,” McDaniel concluded.
While every relationship is different, placing the proper titles on who you're dating and where you see it going is key to formulating a bond that’s both secure and amicable. After all, it’s not what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Featured image by Araya Doheny/Getty Images for Baby2Baby