Devale & Khadeen Ellis: "Why Is It Considered Negative To Serve Your Spouse?"
Devale and Khadeen Ellis are all about getting marriage right for themselves. The two have been married for 10 years, but friends for almost 20. So to say they know a bit about making marriage work for them, is quite an understatement.
They aren't here for societal norms, or whatever you read in the books, they just want to live within their own realm of happiness, their way. And they just so happen to be open to sharing their journey with all of us. From uploading the cutest family moments on social media, to taking the time to have those tough, vulnerable conversations, they don't shy away from anything.
And the latest episode of their Dead Ass Podcast was no different as the two touch on what it means to be married, today. Titled "Put Bae On A Platter", the happily married couple got on the subject of catering to each other and why in today's society, this is considered a bad thing. Devale says:
"If you go into a marriage, and you're complete, right? And now that I'm a complete person, I know what I can give. So I can serve my wife. But here's the issue with serving your wife: most dudes that go in and say 'I'mma serve my wife,' people call them a simp. Most women, who talk about 'serving my husband,' people say they're submissive. And both of those words have a negative connotation."
Khadeen agrees, and he continues:
"Simp and submissive. And in this generation everyone wants to be a boss or a bad b*tch or an alpha male so in order for me to be an alpha male, I can't serve my wife. You know what I'm saying?"
Khadeen goes on to say that they have both been referred to as such for serving each other, "I've been called submissive by our circle, and you get called a simp all the time." Sidebar, for anyone not familiar, a "simp" (short for "simple") is internet slang for a person (often male) who performs excessive sympathy and attention toward another person. He finishes:
"Put bae on a platter. Just imagine what two people could accomplish in a marriage if both parties dedicated their lives to serving one another."
Which...in this generation...is a bad thing, right? I guess it depends on who you ask.
The conversation of serving your partner, stemmed from a previous episode, where they discussed what it means to be an "alpha male".
"I have always felt that my job as a husband is to create a space of unlimited possibilities for my wife. People love to throw around the word 'Simp' for a man who caters to the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. But imagine how powerful and secure you have to be in order to create a life of full autonomy for the woman you love. Now image how small and insecure one must truly be, to take that all away from her--in an attempt to feel like an 'alpha'."
"There's this whole idea that if you're an alpha male, you control your wife. But what I've just realized that being an alpha male, doesn't mean that you control your wife or the person you're with. Being an alpha male means you control everything that exists around her, so that she can have control over what she wants to do. You can't be an alpha male if you are controlling. If you have insecurities, you can't be an alpha male. You're just controlling."
The episode ends with a final message: "Do not be afraid of being of service."
Watch the clip below:
Whew.
Ladies, let's talk about it. Do you think partners should serve each other?
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Featured image via Devale Ellis/Instagram
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Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage