If you were to ask a lot of sex therapists what a sex date is, they would probably say they are the kind of date that is strictly for the purpose of having sex—no more, no less. To me, that sounds like the calls that I used to get at midnight when I was in my 20s. Come to think of it, I used to know a man who would call those "the blue light special" because the person would come in after dark and leave before dawn. I certainly don't knock those (to each their own, chile). At the same time, because I know that the biggest sex organ is actually our brain, it can help to plan the kind of date where it's mutually understood that sex is at the culmination of the date without it being the only thing that transpires while being on it. To me, a sex date isn't just about having sex. It's more about…extending the foreplay a bit longer. It's about doing something with your partner that is erotic, sexy—something that makes you both feel desired…craved for, even.
Sounds hot, right? If a sex date is something that you and your partner could definitely use right about now, I've got 10 ideas to, at the very least, pique your interest in exploring some of your own naughty thoughts and sexual creativity.
1. Throw a “Wine and Senses” Party
Something tells me that I already had you at "wine". From a scientific standpoint, a part of the reason why red wine is considered to be an aphrodisiac is because the ethanol that's in it tends to stimulate the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is the part of your brain that regulates things like your body temperature, your hormones, your hunger levels and yes, your sex drive.
If you pair a bottle of red wine up with a blindfold, it can make for a really sexy date because as you and your partner take turns covering up your eyes and exploring different parts of each other's bodies while verbally affirming each other, it can heighten certain senses.
For instance, without being able to see, your sense of hearing will automatically increase (dirty talk, anyone?). Or, if you pair up the red wine with some dark chocolate, not only will the chocolate stimulate your sense of taste on another level, but it will increase blood circulation throughout your body, ultimately intensifying your orgasms as well.
2. Meet Up for Some Midday Sex
When is the best time of the day (or night) to have sex? That answer is kind of multi-layered. On one hand, it's been reported that men's peak of sexual desire tends to transpire between 6-9am while women's are highest between 11pm-2am. However, another scientific study says that men and women's bodies are most (sexually) in sync at around 3pm (with a close runner-up being at 7:30 in the morning). While I am a huge fan of morning sex, there is something that I really like about that 3pm block. To me, it just screams spontaneity. I mean, who wouldn't get excited about receiving an email or text from their partner asking them to meet them at home, a hotel or, umm, somewhere for a lil' sumthin' sumthin'? Especially since science says that the afternoon is almost guaranteed to make sex better.
3. Design Your Own Erogenous Zone Pleasure Maps
Everybody's body is different. This means that while there are some erogenous zones that fall into the "general population" category, there are others that are specific to the person you are currently with. Make a date out of discovering what your partner's favorite hot spots may be by having them strip down to their underwear and then using your hands (and mouth) to figure out where their customized erogenous zones are. Make it even more fun by turning on some slow jams from their favorite music era (that will help to relax them). Then "mark the territory" with some lipstick. To make things even more enjoyable for you, I actually found a line that creates edible chocolate lipsticks. You can cop a tube or two here.
4. Shop for Sexy Items Together
Lingerie. Sex toys. Massage oils. Aphrodisiac foods. A lil' alcohol. Bedding. Whatever works for you and yours, make a date to either order some of these things online or while you're out shopping together. For one thing, it's probably been a while since you've upgraded your sex stash. Secondly, getting these kinds of items together can help you both to get a better grasp of what turns the two of you on—and what doesn't.
5. Make Your Own Fondue. And Then…
I'm thinking that most of us know what fondue is. It's when you melt one food into a dish and then dip other foods into it (like bread into cheese). You can totally put a sexual twist on this by having the fondue be made out of chocolate and the "food" be your various body parts instead. If you're all down for this but (Lord forbid) you hate chocolate, no worries. There's a butterscotch recipe here, a strawberry one here, and a salted caramel recipe here.
6. Create a Sex-Themed Scavenger Hunt
Something that can bring an element of curiosity into your sex life is to create a scavenger hunt that has a sex theme to it. You can leave notes in your partner's briefcase, car and throughout your house with riddles, hints or instructions of where to go next.
Some people like the notes to include directives to take off certain articles of clothing. Others prefer to "reward" their partner if they get an answer right to a question about a certain sexual memory that they can recall with their partner. Or, you could let all of the items that you bought on your other sex-related outing to serve as clues to your "grand finale".
The details are totally up to you, but a sex-themed scavenger hunt is definitely a way to bring some real fun back into your boudoir.
7. Have an Electrical Outage (on Purpose)
Earlier this year, Mashable posted a video sharing some of the reasons why having sex with the lights on is better than in the dark. One of the reasons it shared was it makes us feel more exposed to our partner; by them accepting us "in that light", it can, in turn, create a stronger connection. I totally get and support that. At the same time, no one said that the lighting had to be a neon light in your bedroom. There's something that's both sexy and mysterious about being alone with your partner in the dark. So, for one night, pretend that you've got absolutely no electricity, light up some scented soy candles, pull out your massage oil and give each other an erotic rub down. Don't even turn any music on. Enjoy the silence and sounds that the both of you make—before, during and after sex happens.
8. Enjoy a Romantic Dinner with Aphrodisiac Appetizers and Dessert
A romantic dinner is always a classic move. Spare yourself all of the work that comes with preparing everything; instead, order your favorite main dishes from a restaurant. Then, focus on creating the right ambiance with some vanilla-scented candles (and/or fairy lights), some rose petals, some 90s R&B playing and absolutely no phones. Next, pull out your good dishware and a fancy pair of glasses. The sexy twist here is to make your own aphrodisiac-inspired appetizers and dessert, along with a signature libido-boosting drink. Perhaps some avocado egg rolls (with sweet chili sauce), a little Mexican chocolate mousse or homemade honey ice cream and, for the drink, a blueberry martini. You'll be tipsy, horny and full by the end. A "perfect store" for a sexual rendezvous.
9. Become a Shibari Master
If you are saying to yourself, "What the heck is that?", consider this to be your something new for the day. Basically, shibari is the word for Japanese rope bondage. You tie your partner up (or let them do that to you) via different types of rope patterns that are designed to stimulate various pressure points throughout their body. I did some digging around for beginner's tutorials and chile, this ain't as easy as you think. But if you want to step out there and give it a shot, click here to learn how to create single and double-column ties.
10. Go on a Monthly Hotel Room Tour
There aren't going to be too many articles written by me where the topic of sexual suggestions come up and I don't mention a hotel room. Hmph. Just because it's been a while since I've gotten any, that doesn't mean that many of my memories aren't still crystal clear when it comes to the pleasure of sex on a bed that has a mattress that costs a few thousand dollars in a room that is somewhat unfamiliar that I don't have to clean up afterwards. Pretty much every city is known for having at least one really sexy hotel. Have you and yours ever tried it? If you really want to get buck wit it, use your sex jar to go on a regional, national or even international hotel tour. You can get some inspiration by checking out articles like "20 Sexy Hotels That Make Banging Better", "The Sexiest Hotels in America" and "13 Naughty Hotels That Aren't Afraid of a Little Nudity, and More…". Out of all of these date suggestions, I'm not sure a sex date gets any sexier than this!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of 'Sex Bucket List'
These 10 Foreplay Hacks Can Take Your Sex Game To Another Level
10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)
If You've Always Wanted A 'Lubricant Cheat Sheet,' Here Ya Go
Featured image by Shutterstock
RELATED
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
Courtesy
So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
Courtesy
What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
Courtesy
Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
Courtesy
Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
Chile, that song is so brilliantly written that I once shouted it out in a podcast that I did with a dear friend of mine a few years back (you can check it out here if you want to): “I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door/I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure/Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more/Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for.”
Won’t it preach? “Almost” when it comes to romantic dynamics? It’ll have you out here feeling like you’re in some straight-up purgatory because, when you’re not really sure where things stand with someone and/or things feel like a perpetual game of hot-and-cold, you never really know what you should do — and that can have you in a very uncomfortable mental limbo or feeling like you’re in some emotional version of the throwback game Twister.
Today, though, we’re going to discuss “almost doesn’t count” from a broader perspective. I want to explore what happens when you’re in ANY DYNAMIC where it feels like you’re in a state of almost — and what you should do about it if that is indeed the case.
I’ve added Brandy’s jam for you at the top of all of this. Feel free to play it as your background music as we finally figure out what to do with the “almost ish” that is (currently) in your life.
Almost. Revisited.
GiphyY’all, I am so sick of people allowing social media to redefine words.
For instance, just because something didn’t work out with a guy, that doesn’t automatically make him a narcissist (check out “You Could Be Turning Into A Narcissist...And You Don't Even Know It,” “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?” and “3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist”) and just because someone doesn’t “gel” with you, that doesn’t mean that they are toxic (check out “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life” and “7 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship...With Yourself”) — and while we’re here, just because you hear the same online opinion dozens of times a day, that doesn’t make it a fact. Google is our friend. Open up browsers to fact-check things. It’s a wise move and well worth your time.
Okay, so in order to build the foundation of this piece, let’s look at what almost means (even though I’m sure that you basically know):
Almost: very nearly; all but
Synonyms: approximately, essentially, most, relatively, practically, virtually, about
It is a very wise man who once said that “The worst lies are 99 percent true” — and that is what’s so wild about almost: It can be so close to being something that you will think that it is that thing…when it actually…isn’t. You can literally have close to 99 percent of everything that you needed, wanted or required and that missing one percent can still totally jack you up out here.
A good example? A condom. If you go to pretty much any health-related website, it will say something along the lines that — eh hem — when used perfectly, condoms are somewhere around 98 percent effective. And yet, while I do tend to roll my eyes whenever folks (in general) end up pregnant and shocked, all the while claiming to have used them (because I also know that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms and even they don’t consistently), I am aware that there are some people who are being completely honest: they used them, each and every time, correctly, and still…a positive pregnancy test result. And that’s because condoms are ALMOST totally reliable. Not totally, though.
Or a white lie. Oh, those are the “best” and most damning ones because they have so much truth to them that the deceptive part is super subtle. Hmph. It makes me think of a rather young South Korean artist (in her 20s) by the name of Dahyun. She once said, “When you love someone, or when someone is special to you, there are situations where little white lies are necessary.” Yeah, that makes me think of a quote by an author named T.J. Klune; he once said, “I lied to you because I thought it’d be easier for you, but I was really just trying to make it easier for me” — and he’s exactly right.
One of the greatest lies anyone can tell is that they are lying to protect or help another individual. More times than not, it’s a form of cowardice, because people don’t want to deal with the accountability (or even possible fallout) from telling the truth. Proof of this is a white lie: enough truth to cleverly hide the deceptive or omitted part(s).
Yeah, that’s what can trip you up about being involved in things that are “almost” what you are looking for or expecting: they can be so close to being on the mark that you let your guard down to the point where they can actually end up catching you off guard in some pretty profound ways.
The Difference Between ALMOST and POTENTIAL
GiphyBefore we go even deeper, I do think that it’s important to explain the difference between almost and potential because, although they might seem like the same thing, they actually aren’t.
Say that you are working at a company where there is plenty of room for growth and promotion; that is potential. Potential is about possibility and capability. Sure, it may not have happened yet; however, you see plenty of signs that it really could. Okay, but after working there for two years and running circles around many of your co-workers with your performance, you keep getting passed over for other positions — and that is when almost comes into play.
What has you trying so hard is the POTENTIAL of what could be. What has you disappointed is things keep ALMOST happening — almost yet nothing more.
Let’s do relationships. Personally, I think it is hella arrogant and a bit delusional to say, “I don’t date for potential.” Umm, everyone out here is potential-in-progress, so are you saying that you want people to grant enough patience to allow you to keep evolving and transforming when you won’t extend the same grace their way? Gimme a break. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone’s potential and wanting to have a front seat in their life in order to encourage and support it. The issue comes in when they keep “almost” getting there without ever actually hitting their goals — and the reason why that’s problematic is…what is keeping you stuck at “almost”?
Example. Say that you’ve been exclusively dating someone for 15 months. You get along well, your family members and friends like you together and you seem to have similar life values and ambitions. Thing is, you want to get married within the year and he says that he wants to have a certain amount of money saved up before jumping the broom. The POTENTIAL of you becoming his wife is if you notice that he really is stacking paper. You ALMOST marrying him is when you factor in all of the other stuff that I said and yet his money is still funny (because he’s misspending, not saving or he’s simply not prioritizing like he said that he would).
Do you see the difference between what potential and almost look like and why “almost” can be so much more mentally draining and emotionally dangerous? “Almost” can — and oftentimes will — have you wasting precious time because it can deceive you with a feeling of “someday.” And that’s because things are so close to becoming a reality and yet, they never end up coming into full fruition.
And that, my friend, is why Brandy’s song is right on the money — at the end of the day, “almost doesn’t count” because, if you keep experiencing “most” or “practically” or “very nearly” of something or even someone and yet what is required for that something to actually become all of what you desire never manifests…what that ultimately boils down to is it — whatever “it” is — is really not much of anything at all.
It’s basically like what a playwright by the name of Nikita Gill once penned: “The saddest word in the whole wide world is the word 'almost'. He was almost in love. She was almost good for him. He almost stopped her. She almost waited. He almost lived. They almost made it.” It’s like…if it almost happened yet didn’t…why does the almost really even matter (much)?
At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, other than (hopefully) the lessons learned…it…doesn’t.
Someone Who “Almosts” You? That Is a Conscious Decision.
GiphyAnd here’s the wild thing about the person who “almosts” you — nine times out of 10, they know exactly what they are doing. The boss who almost promotes you and yet doesn’t…over and over again? You think they don’t have a self-serving strategy (or is it stratagem?) in that? The boyfriend who almost proposes (tells you that he wants to marry you while months to years later, he doesn’t do anything to prove that) and yet never does? You think he’s not aware of what’s going on? Oh, take it from me — the “almost folks” like being that way.
Why? I mean, think about it: If you are giving someone just enough for you to get what you need out of them without giving them all of what they want in the process, why not keep them in the cycle of “almost”? Let’s circle back to Brandy’s chorus to further illustrate the point:
I can't keep on loving you one foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin' if you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you, than what you came here for
Look at what she was doing: she kept on trying while he kept on hesitating. And what this basically means is she was mistaking almost for potential. And you know what? He was letting her because he was benefitting from all of her trying and, although she was getting something in return (maybe even 99 percent of what she was looking for), his hesitation was causing her to see that something isn’t everything…and everything is what she deserved — and still, he chose not to do that.
HE CHOSE NOT TO DO THAT. He chose to remain in the relational purgatory of “almost” because he didn’t want to be “all in.” He was right where he wanted to be and if that kept her uncomfortable…so be it.
See how ugly, self-serving and manipulative “almost” can be?
Do you see why we need to stop romanticizing it because it really shouldn’t count?
What Should the Shelf Life of Almost Be?
GiphySo, final question with this: When it comes to the “almost” areas of your life, how long should you allow them to last? Honestly, I think the answer to that lies in the definitions of the word “almost.” You see, the reason why most of us even notice that we have an “almost situation” going on is because there is a need (sometimes a want) that is going unmet to the point where we aren’t satisfied. And since one definition of almost is “all but” — what is the ALL and then what is the BUT?
Once you figure that out, it’s time to address the “but” part with the individual who isn’t providing it — and honestly, not just their response (words) but their reaction (actions) will let you know what the shelf life of the almost needs to be.
Case in point: When it comes to some of the couples who I work with, sometimes one of the partners goes through a significant change and they want their spouse to quickly adapt to that fact. Usually, the change within wasn’t instantaneous, and so, I share that it’s unfair to expect that to happen immediately; usually, a fair amount of time should be allotted. The relationship is ALL good in every area BUT where the evolution is transpiring. If the spouse’s response is, “Give me a minute to get used to this new you,” the partner should. The spouse is almost where they can accept matters. They just need a bit more time for the almost to turn into “I’m good now.”
However…say that you have a friend who you like and enjoy just about everything about them. The challenge is the fact that they want you to be on-call for their issues and gripes and yet, whenever you need them to do the same thing for you, they are more unavailable than not. Not only that but, whenever you bring it up, although they acknowledge your point, time and time again, nothing ever changes; you still pick up their calls at 11 p.m. while you are still leaving voicemails when you reach out their way. If that is indeed the case, that makes me think of an Instagram post that I recently watched that is underneath this last point. In it, the content creator says, “It’s so important to know where people go. Your feelings will be less hurt.”
And along these same lines, it’s important to know an “almost” when you see it. Isn’t it interesting that one definition of almost is “all but” and to that, I think most of us have heard that whenever you use “but” in a sentence, it negates pretty much everything that you said before it. Chile, if someone is doing all BUT and the BUT is a really big deal to you…does the “all” really “scratch your itches” like you need them to? And again, if they are refusing the “but” (and the “but” is realistic, by the way), isn’t that saying a lot about how they see you and y’all’s dynamic? I would certainly think so.
So, how long should the shelf life of an almost be? Long enough to articulate your needs, for the person to hear them, and then make adjustments. If no adjustments are made…almost is probably where things are going to remain — what you choose to do about that is on YOU not THEM. How long you take speaks to how much you value…yourself.
All this from the word “almost”? Yep. You can thank Brandy for that. LOL.
You deserve to get and have what you need. If you’re almost getting it, remember what Brandy said: When it’s all said and done, sis…almost doesn’t count.
A white lie will tell you it does.
The truth has just revealed — otherwise.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Unsplash