The hurt still lingers. It lingers even though I am now in a good space. I'm slaying my goals, manifesting my dreams, and my life is unfolding beautifully. I have no complaints. But this is a pain that has not softened.
Why won't this hurt leave? Why can't I release this feeling?
This pain tends to resurface from time to time. It's an open wound that is still healing. It cuts deeper than any cut a past lover has given me. The thing is, I value the people that come into my life. And I am not in the business of short-term friendships or transactional relationships. But now I see friendships are not forever, regardless of time, effort, connection, and space.
In this past season, I have lost a few close friends. I have also lost friends I was becoming close to. I perceive it as a loss because patterns, actions, body language, and energy tell no lies. I sensed the change in these friendships before it was truly over. It pained me to see their Instagram Stories and posts. It became a trigger for me. Not because I was angry, but because I was hurt. I am still hurt. After everything I did for them, I couldn't help but question, "Why was I being treated differently? You mean to tell me; I was a friend for just one season? I wasn't a good enough friend for a lifetime of seasons?"
Eventually, I began to nonchalantly scroll past their Stories and posts to avoid being triggered.
Why is my title of "friend" now stripped?
Why was I no longer good enough to sit at their table?
Why am I only worthy of being just an acquaintance or an associate now, when I've proven myself as a friend?
I just couldn't understand it at all.
My first thought was, "What did I do wrong?" Followed by, "How do I fix it?" Why did I even think this was my fault, to begin with? I tend to blame myself when situations like these happen. But we all do this when conflict or problems arise. Just know it's a habit I'm trying to break.
For weeks, I lost sleep. I relapsed into an anxious state of mind and possibly mild depression. I confided in my cousins and other friends about the situation at hand. I spent therapy sessions rambling to my therapist about what I have done right in these friendships, what I could have done wrong, and how I should go about confronting these friends. And I did try to address my concerns only to not get a response.
So, finally, I left it alone.
I had nothing more to say. I had no desire to fix anything. I just decided to let it be. I chose to give them grace because I realized I did nothing wrong. I mean, I know what type of friend I am. I am proud of how I show up in my friendships too. I'm a giver.
That's just who I am.
What I did do is use my hurt as fuel to focus on myself. I took all the love, time, patience, energy, effort, and grace I gave to them and poured that ish into myself. Read that again.
And when I did that, I began to shine. I spent my time perfecting my craft, my artistry, and I stayed focused in the gym. I nourished friendships (both old and new) with people who were equally interested in my life, happiness, growth, and success. As my light started to grow bigger and brighter, these same friends started to come back around. As if nothing changed. As if there wasn't an issue that no longer needed to be addressed.
I even questioned whether it was me that was toxic at times. And the answer was no, I wasn't. At the time, my mental health relapsed, and I needed a close friend to talk to. I came to understand they were projecting their issues onto me. I am not one to hold grudges nor hate in my heart. And I learned at an early age pride ruins everything. I am the queen of respect, diplomacy, and tact. So, when I received a message or saw them in public, I kept it cool. But I miss the deeper connection I had with those friends.
To know now, that it may or may not be the same between us still hurts. It hurts to know that they didn't see me the way I saw them. They didn't value me the way I valued them.
In this season, I am not tolerating less than what I deserve in any friendship because I am not a "sometimes" friend. I am not entertaining temporary friendships nor friendships where I am not equally celebrated. I am not accepting a downgrade of "friend to an acquaintance" again. Not ever.
I am limiting access to my time, energy, and space. I am using boundaries across the board. And if someday, these same friendships are to be rekindled, it deserves a conversation with mutual respect, transparency, honesty, and vulnerability. And for me, in this moment, all that shit is earned because now the trust I had is gone.
You see, friendship breakups are just as bad as relationship breakups. This is because some of the same principles apply.
You have to come whole-hearted. You have to come ready to talk. Or don't ask or say anything to me at all. I know, I sound mean. I sound jaded, but I promise you I am not. But what I am is serious as AF. You have to realize you are equally exceptional in your own friendships too. Please, don't wait for someone else to show you this. Show it to yourself. You need to know that you are equally worthy of standing next to the person that you call a friend.
You deserve to be equally reposted, invited, nurtured, supported, and all of the above. You are not just worthy of a seat at the table, you are dancing on the motherfucking table too.
And this is how I am handling the loss of friendship this season.
With self-love and self-respect, because I know my worth. And I can only give someone grace for so long.
In the words of Bryson Tiller, we're outta time.
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
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Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023